Kids In The Hall Fan Fiction

[Plata]

Here are a few fan fics that I wrote on the show Kids In The Hall. I hope everyone enjoys reading them.


Title: The Killer Bunny

Cast:
Dave: guy
Kevin: bunny

Scene: Dave lying in bed reading book. A rustling sound is heard.

Dave: Hey, Rover. Come here, boy! (whistles)

Kevin enters room dressed as a rabbit. He has blood on his
mouth. Dave sees Kevin.

Dave: Hey, you aren't Rover!

Kevin: I know. I ate Rover.

Dave: You ate my dog? I thought rabbits were vegetarian.

Kevin: Not me. I'm what people call the killer bunny!

Kevin grits his teeth and growls.

Dave: Oh, well just don't kill me, okay?

Kevin: Don't worry. Your dog was very filling. I couldn't eat
another bite.

Kevin pats his stomach.

Dave: Oh. Good.

Dave sighs with relief. Goes back to reading book.

Kevin: Of course, I will always be hungry tomorrow.

Dave looks up from book with worried expression on his face.

Dave; Then....what will you eat?

Kevin: Oh, I don't know. Maybe another animal. Maybe a human.
Maybe...You.

Dave: Oh, well, I don't think you would want to eat me. I don't
think I would taste too good.

Kevin: Well, I've eaten a postman before and he didn't taste too
bad.

Dave frowns.

Dave: You're one weird rabbit.

Kevin: Bunny! I'm a killer bunny. Not a rabbit. A bunny!

Dave: Yes. Fine. A bunny.

Kevin: Anyway, I guess I'll be off now.

Dave: Would you like to take a carrot with you?

Kevin: No, I hate vegetables. But, thanks for the offer.

Kevin starts hopping towards door, then stops. He turns to Dave.

Kevin: But, just one last thing.

Dave: What?

Kevin: Be sure to leave out some food tomorrow night, or else,
the killer bunny will get you.

Kevin laughs and hops out of room.

Dave lies back in bed with worried expression on his face.

THE END






Title: Bananas

Cast:
Dave and Mark: guys eating bananas
Kevin: guy afraid of bananas
Bruce: guy at barbecue

Scene: Dave and Mark sitting at lunch table. Kevin walks in and
sits down across from them.

Kevin: Hi guys! So, how did you find that test in chemistry?

Mark: Oh, easy!

Dave: Yeah, piece of cake!

Kevin: Yeah, same here.

Dave and Mark reach into lunch bags and each take out a banana.

Kevin: Ahhhh! Get that away from me!

Mark: What are you talking about, man? It's just a banana!

Dave: Yeah. It's not like it can hurt you.

Kevin gets up from table and runs around screaming.

Kevin: Take the banana away! Take the banana away!

Mark: Okay, we'll put the bananas away.

Dave and Mark put bananas back in lunch bags.

Mark: God, is this ever strange! (to Dave)

Dave nods.

Kevin: Don't pick on me.

Mark: So, how did you get your fear of bananas in the first
place?

Dave: Yes! Tell us! (waves banana in front of Kevin)

Kevin: Ahhh! (gets up from table) Well, it all began two summers
ago at my cousins' barbecue.

Scene changes to barbecue outside in yard. Kevin is beside fruit
bowl and eating a banana. Bruce enters.

Bruce: Hey punk! That's my banana you're eating!

Bruce grabs banana and begins hitting Kevin with banana.

Kevin: Please stop! I will never eat bananas again! I swear!

Scene goes back to lunch room.

Kevin: And, that's why I'm afraid of bananas.

Dave: Oh my goodness! We had no idea!

Mark: Not a clue!

Kevin: Well, hopefully you won't taunt me anyomore with bananas.

Dave: No, we won't.

Mark: We're very sorry. It won't happen again.

Kevin: Good. I accept your apologies and I'll be on my way now.
I have to go to the computer lab and type up something.

Dave: Oh. Okay. See you later.

Kevin gets up from table.

Mark: Watch out! Bananas!

Kevin looks around startled.

Mark and Dave laugh.

THE END






Title: Playing With Videotapes

Cast:
Kevin: friend #1
Dave: friend #2
Mark: friend #3

Scene: 3 friends sitting on couch

Kevin: So, the video is wrecked, eh?

Dave: Yep, so what do you suggest we do instead?

Mark: I think I have an idea.

Mark takes video and begins pulling out tape out of cassette.

Mark: We can tie each other up and see how long it takes each of
us to escape.

Kevin: Oh, great plan!

Dave: Yes, that sounds like a fabulous idea!

Mark: Okay, who wants to go first?

Kevin: Me! Me!

Kevin sits in chair and Dave and Mark begin to pull tape around
Kevin.

Kevin pretends to struggle in chair.

Kevin: Help! Help! I'm stuck!

Then, Kevin pulls tape apart and gets loose.

Mark: Hey, look at these weird things I found in the cassette!

Mark holds up a blue gadget-type thing and a black gadget-type
thing.

Kevin: Hey, that black thing looks like a bird. So does the blue
one.

Dave: Hey, it's a black bird and a blue bird!

Mark moves the black gadget and blue gadget around his head.

Dave takes strips of tape and attaches them on light with fan
with scotch tape.

Dave; Hey, take a look at this!

Dave turns on fan and tape spins around.

Kevin: Wow! Looks like a streamer on a kite!

Mark: That is so cool!

Kevin puts hand under tape and tape spins around his hand. The
hand gets caught in the tape.

Kevin: Ahhh! Help! The fan will eat me alive!

Dave: Oh no!

Dave runs to switch and turns fan off.

Mark: Maybe putting tape on fans isn't such a good idea after
all. Someone could lose a finger.

Dave: Yeah. You're right.

Kevin: Lets' play with the black bird and blue bird again.

Mark and Dave: Okay.

Kevin, Dave and Mark pick up the gadgets and run around the room.
Kevin drops his.

Kevin: Oh no! I think it died.

Dave: So, revive it.

Kevin: Good plan.

Kevin pretends to do mouth to mouth resucitation on the gadget.
Kevin picks up gadget.

Kevin: I brought it back to life!

Mark: Yippee!

Dave: Isn't this the most fun you've had all year?

Kevin: Yes, actually. Apart from that time I put gum in my
boss's hair.

Mark: Didn't you get in trouble?

Kevin: No, he found it after a week and blamed it on his kid.

Dave: Oh. Well, lets' get back to our gadgets.

Mark: Yes.

Kevin, Dave and Mark continue to spin gadgets around in the air.

THE END

[FOLrocks1]

Those were good! You're a great writer!

[Plata]

Originally posted by FOLrocks1
Those were good! You're a great writer!

Thanks. I hope you enjoyed reading them.

[Plata]

Here are a few more fan fics of Kids In The Hall that I wrote.


Title: Getting Hit On The Head With A Hacky Sack
Cast:
Dave and Kevin: guys playing with hacky sack
Mark: guy who gets hit with hacky sack

Scene: Dave and Kevin kicking hacky sack back and forth with
their feet. They're laughing and having a good time.
Mark walks by with his dog on leash. As Mark walks by Kevin
accidentally kicks hacky sack too hard and it hits Mark on the
head. Mark falls down on sidewalk. Kevin and Dave run to Mark.

Kevin: My god! Are you alright?
Mark: My head aches.
Dave: We didn't mean to hit the sack over here like that. And,
Kevin has a very hard kick.
Kevin: Yeah! Would you like me to call the ambulance? I've got
my cell phone with me.
Mark: No, I'm perfectly alright.
(Mark gets up and falls back down again.)
Dave: Kevin, this doesn't look good.
(Marks' head tilts to the side.)
Kevin: You're right. lets' leave before anyone sees what we've
done.
Dave: Good plan.
(Kevin and Dave walk away.)
(Mark stays lying down on sidewalk.)
Mark: Ooh! My head! Ouch! My head!
THE END






Title:Jesus Rides The Bus For Free
Cast:
Dave:bus driver
Kevinassenger
Bruce and Mark:COPS

Scene: Dave driving bus. He pulls bus to a stop and opens the
door. Kevin steps into the bus. He starts to his seat without
putting money into the change dispenser.

Dave: Hey! What do you think you're doing?
Kevin: What do you mean? (raises eyebrows)
Dave: You're supposed to pay for your ride. I can't let you ride
the bus for free, you know.
Kevin: I'm Jesus Christ. I'm allowed to ride the bus for free!
Haven't you heard of me? I was born in Bethlehem...
Dave: I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the bus! (points to
door of bus)
Kevin: I have a friend named Paul. You know, the Apostle. Do you
know him?
Dave: No, I'm afraid I do not. And, I don't know Mary, Joseph or
anyone else you may have been acquainted with over these past
2000 years.
Kevin: Do you read the bible?
Dave: (annoyed) Yes, I do read the bible! But, what you're
talking about is absurd! There's no way you could be Jesus
Christ! And,even if you were, I would not let you on the bus for
free, anyway.
Kevin: Fine! I will make sure to tell Paul about you and have
you sent to hell fot not treating the lord with courtesy!
Dave: Oh, I wouldn't want that to happen, would I? (scared
expression on his face)
Kevin: Great! So, you'll let me on the bus for free? (smiles)
Dave: No. (glares)
Kevin: Very well, then. (steps off bus)

Dave drives away.

THE NEXT DAY

Dave stops the bus at the bus stop and some passengers get on.
Kevin gets on with passengers waering a fake beard and a robe
Dave sees Kevin dressed up as Jesus.

Dave: I didn't know church was on this late.
Kevin: It isn't. I thought that this might help to make you let
me on the bus for free.

Kevin walks up steps of bus and sits down in passenger seat.

Dave: Look, I don't know who you are, but you either pay the bus
fare or get off the bus, or I'm going to make a complaint on my
radio.

Kevin: I'm the son of god! I don't have to pay the bus fare if I
don't want to!

Dave: If you don't get off the bus this minute, I'm going to
call the police!

Kevin: You're going to call the police on the son of god, huh?

Dave picks up radio.

Dave: Emergency on #23 bus. There's a man here who believes he
is Jesus Christ. I kindly ask that anyone who hears this send
the police over immediately. Thankyou.

Dave puts down radio.

Kevin: You can't do this! Not to the son of god!

Police cars surround the bus. Bruce and Mark step out of their
patrol car. They walk upto bus.

Mark: Okay, who's the guy who believes he is Jesus Christ?

Dave: He's right there.

Dave points to Kevin who is looking out the window of bus)

Bruce: Sir, I will ask you as a person of the law that you
either pay your bus fare or you get off this bus.

Kevin: No,sir. I am Jesus Christ. I should get to ride for free.

Mark: Will you get off the bus, please sir?

Kevin: Make me!

Bruce and Mark grab Kevin and drag him off the bus.

Kevin: This isn't fair! I should get to ride the bus for free! I
should get to ride the bus for free!

THE END

[FOLrocks1]

LOL. Those were great too!

[Plata]

Title: Horror At The Grocery Store
Cast:
Scott- customer
Kevin- clerk
Dave- price check guy

Scene: Scott at checkout dressed as a woman with a basket of
groceries. He starts putting his groceries on the counter. As he
puts down the groceries he also sets down a tampax box.

Kevin: Hello. How are you today, ma'am?

Scott: Very well. Thanks for asking.

Kevin begins scanning the groceries. He picks up the Tampax box
and trys to scan it. Nothing happens.

Kevin: That's funny.

Kevin trys to scan the box again.

Kevin: Just a minute.

Kevin picks up phone.

Kevin: I need a price check on Tampax. (looks at box) Supersize.

Kevin hangs up phone.

Kevin: So, it's that time of the month again, eh?

Scott looks down at the floor.

Dave walks upto Kevin.

Dave: The kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound
in with a hammer?

Kevin: I said Tampax, silly! Not thumbtacks!

Dave: Oh. I'll be right back, sir.

Dave walks away.

Kevin turns to Scott.

Kevin: Well, you're feeling cramped up today, aren't ya?

Scott looks at gum rack.
Dave comes back with Tampax box.

Dave: Here you are, sir.

Kevin: Thankyou.

Kevin scans Tampax box.

Kevin: Okay, that comes to $27.59

Scott hands Kevin a twenty and a ten dollar bill.

Scott: Keep the change.

Scott runs out of grocery store with bags.

Kevin puts money in register.

Dave: Sorry about that mistake.

Kevin: That's okay. We need some humor in our jobs sometimes.

Dave: Yeah, maybe you're right.

Kevin: We'll price check polident next week.

Dave: Yes. That's a great idea. Next week.

Kevin: We'll price check polident.

THE END






Title: Invasion Of The Caterpillar People
Cast:
Dave: Caterpillar Captain #1
Kevin: Caterpillar Captain #2
Scott: Gardener
Bruce: Narrative


Scene: Scott walks out of house. He picks up watering can off of
table on deck and walks over to the flowers and begins watering.
As he waters the flowers and whistles to himself, he hears a low
rumbling sound.

Scott: Oh, darn it sounds like a thunderstorm is coming. Well, I
guess that's all the watering I will have to do for today.

(Suddenly Dave and Kevin appear from out of the ground.)

Kevin: There he is! There's the gardener who flooded our home!

Scott: Pardon me? (Shakes his head) Funny, I could have sworn
that I heard a caterpillar talking to me.

Dave: Over here! (waves his arms)

(Scott looks towards ground)

Scott: Oh my goodness! There ARE caterpillars talking to me!

Kevin: That's right, sir! I am Captain Charles Caterpillar and
this is my friend (points to Dave) Captain Chad Caterpillar.

Dave: What right do you think you have to invade our home?

Scott: Invade YOUR home? Me? This is my garden. I am very sorry,
but I think you are invading MY home.

Kevin: What does this sign say? (points to sign that says HOME
OF THE CATERPILLAR PEOPLE)

Scott: Oh dear! Please forgive me. I don't know how I missed the
sign. (squints at sign)

Dave: Oh, that's quite all right. We understand that a garden
must not be the most convenient place in a yard for a gardener
to allow caterpillars to live.

Scott: How about this? What if I made you your own garden? I'll
even plant whatever flowers you want.

Kevin: Make it petunias.

Scott: Whatever you want, Captain Charles Caterpillar. I'll be
sure to plant them immediately.

Dave: Thankyou, sir.

Bruce: So, the Caterpillar People finally had a home of their
own. They spent many happy days there until the day came when
they became butterflies and flew away. Now the gardener awaits
the return of the caterpillar people as butterflies.

THE END


Title: Your Car Is A Dutch Whore

Cast:
Kevin- drunk guy
Mark- officer #1
Bruce- officer #2
Dave- owner of car

Scene: Mark and Bruce standing by police car drinking coffee.
Kevin is walking down the street. He stops at a toyota corolla.

Kevin: My god! That car is a dutch whore!

Kevin peers at car, inspecting it.

Mark: Hey, buddy, take a look at that guy over there!

Bruce: What guy?

Bruce looks up from coffee and sees Kevin kicking toyota corolla.

Kevin: Dutch whore! Dutch whore!

Kevin takes keys out of his pocket and scratches side of the car.

Mark: Gee, I'm glad we don't have his problem!

Bruce: But, he's going to be in big trouble soon.

Mark: You mean, you want to waste precious time arresting this
idiot?

Bruce: No, I mean the owner is approaching the car right now.

Dave walks upto Kevin, carrying a coffee.

Dave: Hey, what are you doing to my car?!?

Kevin looks up and sees Dave.

Kevin: Is this your car?

Dave: Yes. What the hell are you doing to it?

Kevin: Your car is a dutch whore!

Dave: Excuse me?

Kevin: You heard me! Your car! It's a dutch whore!

Kevin kicks car.

Mark: Okay, I think we should arrest him now.

Mark and Bruce walk upto Kevin.

Bruce: Hey! What do you think you're doing to that car?

Kevin: It's a dutch whore! It deserves this kind of treatment!

Kevin kicks car again.

Dave: Stop wrecking my car, you drunkard!

Kevin: God damn dutch whore!

Kevin kicks car three more times.

Bruce and Mark grab Kevin and drag him away.

Kevin: Hey, I'm not finished with the dutch whore, yet!

Mark: Don't worry, sir. We can take you to the junkyard.

Bruce: Yes, there are lots of dutch whores there.

Kevin: Really? Fabulous! Take me to the dutch whores!

Mark: Okay, sir.

Bruce opens passenger door and pushes Kevin in.

Mark(to Dave): We're sorry about your car, sir.

Dave: Oh, that's okay. I just have one question.

Mark: What's that?

Dave: What's a dutch whore?

Mark: Hell, I don't have the faintest clue!

Mark gets into cop car and closes door.

Mark and Bruce drive away.

Dave drinks his coffee.

THE END


Title: The Tarantulas Are My Friends

Cast:
Bruce: guy who is friends with tarantulas
Kevin: Tarantula #1
Dave: Tarantula #2

Scene: Bruce sitting in lawn chair on porch reading newspaper.
He folds newspaper and puts it down on table beside chair. Bruce
looks at his watch.

Bruce: Gee! I hope my friends come soon. It's getting late.

Then, Kevin and Dave crawl onto the porch dressed as tarantulas.
They collapse on porch.

Dave: Gee, it's hard to climb up these stairs everytime.

Kevin: Tell me about it! I think I just twisted a limb.

Bruce: Tarantulas! My friends, I'm so glad you came.

Dave: Is there any chance you could put in a ramp in place of
these steps so that we could have an easier time getting up here?

Bruce: Actually, I think it would be safer for you guys if the
steps stayed. You see, I own a cat that is clumsy and the steps
are in place here so the cat wouldn't be able to pounce on you
very easily.

Kevin: You have a cat? (wrinkles nose)

Bruce: Yeah, why?

Dave: He's allergic to cats.

Bruce: A tarantula allergic to cats? I have never heard of such
a thing before in my life!
(Bruce laughs)

Kevin: Are you making fun of me, sir?

Bruce: Oh, no! It just sounds so absurd.

Kevin: Are you friends with your cat?

Bruce: Not especially. (scratches head)

Kevin: Well then, would you mind getting rid of your cat so that
we can live with you? You see, the other tarantulas kicked us
out, so we don't really have a home anymore.

Bruce: Oh, that's so sad.

Dave: Yes, it's very sad. (nods head)

Bruce: What happened? I mean, did you get into a fight with some
other tarantulas?

Kevin: Yeah. It was not a pretty sight.

Dave: Not in the least.

Bruce: Well you are welcome to live with me. My cat is nice and
all but, hey I need some new companions.

Kevin: That sounds great!

Dave: When do we move in?

Bruce: As soon as you can. I'll send my cat out through the back
so he won't bother you.

Bruce goes into house. A meowing sound is heard and Bruce
returns to the porch.

Bruce: Well, that takes care of that! I dropped him off behind
the fence. Come inside. Make yourselves at home!

Kevin and Dave scamper into house.
Bruce goes to fridge and takes out some root beer. He pours
three glasses and gives one each to Kevin and Dave.

Bruce: To the tarantulas, my new friends!

Kevin and Dave: To our new owner!

They drink their root beer.

THE END

[Plata]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bring Happy Days, Silver Spoons, Family Ties and I Dream Of Jeannie to DVD nd VHS

http://www.Petitiononline.com/DVDVHS/petition.html

[Plata]

Title: No Laws For A Day

Cast:

Kevin/Dave: robbers
Bruce/Mark: lazy cops
Scott: bankteller

Scene: Kevin and Dave in living room watching tv. News bulletin comes on.

News Reporter: This just in. There will be no laws for one whole day.

Kevin: This is great! Wanna rob a bank?

Dave: Sure.

(Kevin and Dave run to bank and go into bank.)

Dave: Stick up your hands!

(Scott puts up his hands, startled.)

Scott: Take whatever you want. I don't want trouble.

(Dave and Kevin empty out cash registers, open safety deposit boxes and run off. Scott runs outside where he sees Bruce and Mark by patrol car.)

Scott: Officer! Officer!

Bruce: What?

Scott: Those guys just stole money! Aren't you going to arrest them?

Bruce: Can't.

Scott: Why not?

Mark: No laws for a day.

Scott: Fine. I'll just go after them myself.

(Scott runs after Kevin and Dave)

(Mark turns to Bruce)

Mark: I could get used to this routine.

Bruce: Me, too. To think that for once we are actually being the bad guys towards the public.

Mark: Yeah, you always see it in movies, but never in real life.

(Scott continues chasing after Kevin and Dave on foot yelling)

THE END

[ap3ab]

Title: Be My Pet

Cast:

Dave: pet store owner
Kevin: Adoptee


(Pet store. Dave at bird cages feeding birds. Kevin walks in.)

Dave: Hello. What can I do for you today?

Kevin: Let's see. Well, I'm looking for a "pet".

Dave: I see. What type of pet? Anything in particular?

Kevin: Well, a cat. Maine coon preferably. And a female.

Dave: I believe we have just the cat.

(Dave goes to cages and brings back miane coon cat)

Kevin: That's just the one.

(Kevin picks up cat. Cat mrows and squirms and runs away)

Kevin: Wait! Wait! Come back!

(Thinks for a minute)

Kevin: Be my pet, be my pet. I pick you of all the rest. I want a little critter that does not have any jitters. I want to take care of your fleas. I want to clean up when you pee. I don't care if you have rabies. I just want to get you fixed so you don't have any babies. Oh, please be my kitty. I'll make you oh so very pretty. Don't worry about making the floors wet. Because....you'll always...be....my....Pet!

(Kevin pays for cat and exits pet store with cat)

THE END