A Honeymooners Memorial Day:

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph & Ed come into the Kramden apartment with a load of hamburgers and hot dogs.)

Ed: “What a way to celebrate Memorial Day Ralph-is boy.”

Ralph: “You got that right Norton. We are going to have you and Trixie over.”

(Alice comes into the kitchen.)

Alice: “Ralph, don’t forget that my mother is coming.”

Ralph: “There you go. Her mom...SHE IS NOT COMING INTO THIS HOUSE.”

Alice: “She most certainly is Ralph and you will be nice to her.”

Ralph: “I will be nice to her? That’s impossible. We don’t get along. We’re enemies. Natural enemies. Like a boa constrictor and a mongoose.”

Alice: “I suppose that YOU are the mongoose.”

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

Alice: "Ralph, you will be nice to her."

Ralph: "Okay, I will. Me and Norton are going to go to Sears and get that small barbeque grill so we can cook the food on the building's new and bigger fire escape."

Alice: "Ralph, are you two serious? That sounds stupid."

Ralph: "Look Alice. I don't want to spend the evening on the roof when we can have it down here. After all, this will prove that I am the one in the family with it up here in the brain."

Alice: "You got plenty of it down right above the waist too."

Ed: "Hahahahahaha."

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP NORTON!"

Alice: "Ralph, I encourage you to think this through."

Ralph: "I don't have to think it through. I know that it is a good idea."

(Alice rolls here eyes.)

(Later on Ralph has Ed lug the grill into the Kramden apartment. Alice's Mom arrives right behind them.)

Alice's Mom: "Hi Sonny Boy! I hope that you don't celebrate this Memorial Day by being an idiot like you always do."

Ralph (under his breath): "Just one swing."

Alice: "Hi Mom! Happy Memorial Day. Don't even bother talking Ralph out of what him and Ed are doing. I tried. Ed is going out of loyalty and not stupidity. Ralph is stubborn and unreasonable."

(The boys get the grill onto the fire escape.)

Ralph: "You won't say that after the dinner we are going to have tonight. Nothing is going to go wrong tonight."

(Ralph walks backward and accidentally causes the grill to fall off the fire escape and onto a cop car below. Ralph is all nervous.)

Ralph: "Huminahuminahuminahumina!"

(The cop goes upstairs.)

Ralph: "Alice, lock the door. Maybe the cop will give up looking for me."

Alice: "Ralph, I won't do it."

Ralph: "Fine, I will."

(Ralph locks the door. The cop opens the door with no problem due to the faulty lock.)

Cop (yells): "MR. KRAMDEN..."

(Ralph recognizes the cop.)

Ralph: "Sorry, my friend Teddy Oberman. I forgot that you became a cop and I gave you my keys to the apartment. You see, I can explain."

Ted (yells): "YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!"

(Ralph gets arrested.)

Alice's Mom: "Nothing is going to go wrong huh? My big, fat, loser of a son-in-law made a fool of himself again."

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE A BLABBERMOUTH! A BLAB-BER-MOUTH!"

(Ralph gets taken away.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. I want to wish everyone a Happy Memorial Day!"

(Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "The Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Crowd cheers.)