Honeymooners Episode Reviews: “Six Months To Live” (Color)/“Alice’s Birthday" (Color)

[Frank Gannucci]

Honeymooners Episode Reviews: “Six Months To Live” (Color version) & “Alice’s Birthday” (Color version):

Episode #202
DVD: Attached to “Alice’s Birthday” & “Lawsuit” (as well as other variety show sketches.)
Color & Lost Episode Title: "Six Months To Live."
Classic 39 Episode Title: "A Matter of Life & Death."
Air Date: 11/23/68

Thanks to Time Life, I am FINALLY able to see these short color sketches. This is also a color episode that is very similar to a Classic 39 title. TV.com says that this episode is the same as “A Matter of Life & Death.” That is not right.

Alice is home. Trixie visits. Alice is talking about her mother's dog being sick and having to be taken to the doctor. It costs Alice $10. It costed more to have the doctor give the dog a check-up then it did Ralph when he recently visited the doctor. She is expecting a letter from the doctor.

Ralph and Ed come in. Ed wants a kiss from Trixie. But she says no. One of the reasons is that he worked in the sewer all day. Trixie goes upstairs. The girls go upstairs. Ed asks Ralph if he wants to go see a movie tonight. Ralph says no. He thinks that there is something wrong with him since he went to the doctor. The telegram is sent in. Ralph gets the letter from the delivery man and when the man holds out his hand expecting a tip, Ralph says: "Your hand is very dirty." Ralph: “I hope there is something wrong with me. That way, I can go down to do some fishing.” Doesn’t Ralph know that when you are sick and have to stay at home from your job, you shouldn’t go on vacation? Ralph reads the telegram aloud to Ed. Ralph: “A severe case of manochromia exists. This is the type of disease that normally affects Boxers. The signs are: blue tongue, hair falling out and irritability. Keep him away from your mother as people will become vulnerable to the disease he is carrying." He continues reading the telegram. Jackie is noticeably sweating here. Ralph thinks that the letter is about him and he is dying. Ed: "Doctors can be wrong to you know. Take a friend of mine, the doctor gave him six months to live. He lived for almost eight months." In 2002, during the Honeymooners 50th Anniversary Special, they played clips from versions of this scene of this episode and played them in a collage format like they showed Ralph receiving the telegram in the second version of this episode and then in the third version, they showed Ralph saying to the man: "Your hand is very dirty." They continued doing this until Ralph finished the letter. Ralph blames the disease on his job. Ralph: “I am headed up to that big bus depot in the sky.” Ralph thought he would never go out this way. It’s been a real struggle ever since he was born according to him. He can’t believe the way he is going out. Ed cries than asks for his pair of bowling shoes. Ralph says yes and he will also give him his bowling ball. Ed asks for it in writing because he doesn’t think he will be around to tell people that he will leave him his bowling ball and shoes. Ralph thinks that he ought to make a will right now. Ed writes while Ralph dictates.

“To Whom It May Concern:
I Ralph Kramden, being of sound mind and body, bequeath all my worldly possessions to my wife Alice. To my dear pal, Mr. Ed Norton, I leave my bowling shoes and bowling ball and carrying case. To Alice’s BUM brother Frank, who never worked a day in his life, I leave my diamond ring.”
Question: What about the job Frank had in “Without Reservations”? Ralph says that he doesn’t have a diamond ring. He said that so Frank can go nuts looking for it. Ed leaves but not before saying that he will pick out a new bowling partner.

Alice comes down. She sings: “I am walking alone.” Ralph (yells): “WILL YOU STOP SINGING THAT SONG?” Alice doesn’t comply and if she wanted to, she will sing it for the next six months. Ralph looks at his tongue in the mirror to see if it is blue. Ralph: “I just want to look at my tongue.” Alice: “Why don’t you go down to the butcher’s? They have a lot of them.” After that, he asks for a saucer of warm milk and he wants it in his bedroom. Alice: “One of these days, they are going to take you away.” Ralph: “That is right.” Ralph wants Alice to sit down. Ralph wants to talk to her. Ralph: “I want a man-to-man conversation with you. If anything ever happens to me, you are protected. I made out a will. All of this is yours.” Wow, it’s like “Gee, thanks Ralph.” Ralph also said that 12 years ago, he took out a subscription for Liberty magazine. He said that for 2 cents extra a week, they give you an insurance policy. Insurance policy for 2 CENTS? I know that this was the 1960s but come on. Ralph: “Even though the magazine went out of business, I held onto that policy. Then there is the widow’s benefits from the Raccoon Lodge. Then there’s my pension from the bus company less from what I already borrowed. You should be sitting pretty. After I am gone, you shouldn’t have to work for…six weeks.” Ha! Ralph: “Anything can happen.” Alice: “Don’t worry. You are strong as a horse.” Ralph: “I suppose you never saw a dead horse.” Alice: “Now that you mentioned it, there is a resemblance.” Ralph: I tried to save you some aggravation.” Ralph hands her the letter from the doctor. She does. She laughs. Alice tells him that he is not dying and this telegram is for mom's dog. Ralph is happy that he is not dying after all. He and Alice laugh together. Ralph: “You are married to the World’s No. 1 Maniac.” Alice: “I love my maniac.” They hug and kiss.

Jackie walks on stage for the curtain call. There are walls that are covering up the curtains for whatever reason. Maybe they were being worked on. Jackie praises the Miami Beach crowd and says good night.

Episode #203
DVD: Attached to "Lawsuit" & "Six Months To Live" (as well as other variety show sketches.)
Color & Lost Episode Title: “Alice’s Birthday.”
Air Date: 12/7/68

Thanks to Time Life, I am FINALLY able to see these short color sketches.

Trixie comes by and wishes Alice a Happy Birthday with a hug and a gift. Alice says that Ralph is going to give her a nylon slip. Ralph doesn’t even know that he is going to give her a nylon slip yet. Every year, Ralph forgets to buy Alice a present. Tonight, some of her friends are going to drop in. They do for every one of her birthdays. Every year, Ralph gets embarrassed when they give me gifts and Ralph doesn’t have one for her. To make sure that it doesn’t happen this time, she asked Jo Anne’s Lingerie to send a nylon slip to her as Ralph’s gift. She even dictated a romantic card. Alice needs some glasses for the party.
Ralph & Ed come in. Ed wonders why Trixie is here and not upstairs because he doesn’t like burnt leftovers. Trixie: “You are getting cold cuts.” The girls leave. Ed says that he couldn’t get out for lunch because some jerk parked his car over the manhole. A man arrives with a package for Alice. Ralph found out again. It’s Alice’s birthday. He asks Ed to go down to the drug store and get the biggest box of candy that they have with ribbons and everything. Take it to your place and I will pretend that I had it there all the time. Ralph reads the romantic card and assumes that since the card wasn’t signed, that there is another guy in Alice’s life. Ralph: “Why would Alice want another guy when she has got me? I’m with her every night except for the nights when I play pool, go bowling, go to the Raccoon Lodge and play shuffleboard. I take Alice to the movies every Friday if I am not too tired.” Ed claims that since Ralph has Alice get the popcorn every time they are at the movies that she is in love with the popcorn man. Ralph (yells): “HE IS 75 YEARS OLD.” Ed (yells): “YEAH, BUT HE IS IN SHOW BUSINESS.” Ralph: “It can’t be him because sometimes he doesn’t even fill up the bags.”

Ed says that they know what Alice does during the nighttime but not the daytime. Ed says that she may be in love with the Ice Man. Ed: “When the Ice Man comes by, you go downstairs, and when he leaves, you come back in here, thrown your arms around Alice and give her a kiss. If her shoulders are wet, than she has been kissing the iceman.” Ralph: “When you die Norton, you should give your brain to a college so they can use it for a volleyball.” Ha! Ed is convinced that it is the iceman because he is far away. He has to wake up the horse, get the ice and beat the traffic just so he can give Ralph a 25 cent piece of ice. Ed: “That is not profit. That is love.” The iceman used a horse to deliver ice in the 1960s? He must have been pretty poor and/or thrifty.

Ralph is so upset and convinced that there is another guy in Alice’s life that he will move to the Y.M.C.A. rather than wallow in grief. Ed: “You are 250 pounds of class.” Ralph is classy? Ralph talks about how much he spent for Alice like a $2 flu shot. Ed: “You always spoiled that girl.” He has? Ralph notices that Alice made a big cake and because of that, she will have a lot of people over. He will stick around and expose this home wrecker. When they get here, all Ralph will do is mention the words “I Love you now and forever.” (A sentence that was a part of the romantic card.) When he sees the person react to it, he will nab the guilty party. If that doesn’t work, he will use his ace in the hole. He will compare everyone’s handwriting to the handwriting on the card.

Alice comes down and asks Ed if he can bring chairs down. Ed: “I don’t know. I don’t want to see any chairs get broken tonight. Ralph convince Ed to get the chairs. While feeling Alice’s shoulders, Ed says that he will bring down the chairs since it is her birthday. Ed (to Ralph): “They are bone dry Ralph. It’s not the iceman.” Ralph kicks Ed out. Ralph notices that Alice is wearing her best dress. Alice: “It’s my birthday and I want to please the man I love.” Ralph sarcastically wishes her a happy birthday. Alice puckers her lips expecting Ralph to kiss her. Ralph doesn’t so Alice asks Ralph what is eating him. A knock on the door is heard. It’s Alice’s friends. Ralph goes into the bedroom. Alice lets them in. It’s a couple named Mildred & Fred.

Ralph comes out. Fred says that Ralph is pretty lucky to have a wife like Alice. Ralph gets suspicious that Fred is the “home wrecker.” Ralph: “So, you think I got a pretty wife, huh?” Fred: “Yeah.” Ralph: “’I love you now and forever.’ Does that mean anything to you?” Fred: “Yeah, you are drunk.” Ha! I think you can tell that this was before homosexuality really came into vogue. Ralph asks Fred to get out a pencil and a piece of paper. Frank asks why. Ralph: “I need to know your address.” Fred: “I live right in the next apartment.” Oh boy! Ralph: “I need it in case I move.” Fred complies. Ralph takes the paper and compares the writing to the writing on the card. Ralph then tells him to get a drink and gives him his address back. A man named Max (played by Frank Marth) comes in and kisses Alice on the cheek. Ralph calls Max over. He asks Max what he gave Alice for her birthday. Max says that he didn’t give her anything. He told the store to deliver it. Ralph assumes that Max is the guy and demands that Max put up his dukes. Alice gets upset. Max lightly taps Ralph in the stomach. Cue Ralph’s pain bit. Gee, Ralph must be a wimp for that light punch to hurt him that much. Yeah, I know why that was put in the script. Alice’s friends all leave. She looks and sounds like she is about to cry. Ralph accuses Alice of being in love with Max Winkleman. He proves it by showing the present and card that Max “sent.” Alice explains the whole thing. She says that since Ralph never remembers her birthday and when people give her gifts, Ralph gets embarrassed. So she asked Jo Anne’s Lingerie to send a nylon slip to her as Ralph’s gift with a card so Ralph wouldn’t get embarrassed. She says that Ralph humiliated her. Ralph apologizes that he ruined her birthday. He says that he loves her. He says happy birthday. Alice says that she is puckered up. They embrace. Ed comes down with the chairs and leaves. Well, that was different.

Jackie walks on stage for the curtain call. There are walls that are covering up the curtains for whatever reason. Maybe they were being worked on. Jackie praises the Miami Beach crowd and says good night.

Credit I believe goes to tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Box Set booklet Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Yahoo! Groups You’re A Riot! & amazon.com