Honeymooners Episode Reviews: "Be It Ever So Humble" & "Hair To A Fortune":

[Frank Gannucci]

Honeymooners Episode Reviews: "Be It Ever So Humble" & "Hair To A Fortune":

Episode #190 (Syndicated episode #19)
TV: Hour (edited)
DVD: Attached to "Hair To A Fortune" & "People's Choice.” On the Best of Color Honeymooners DVD, it is attached to “Sun & Raccoon Capital”, “Two Faces of Ralph Kramden” & Double Trouble.”
Color Episode Title: "Be It Ever So Humble"
Lost Episode Title: "My Fair Landlord"
Air Date: 9/9/67

"Be It Ever So Humble":

The June Taylor Dancers come out and sing a song about paying rent I believe. Ralph & Ed come by. They are going to see a apartment rent control section of a New York building. The landlord is going to raise the rent $5. Ralph says that they have been living in that building for 17 years. Ralph: "The handwriting is on the wall. Another 17 years, he will want to raise it another $5." This is similar to the argument that he made in "Please Leave The Premises." Ed agrees. If the tenants don't pay the rent, the landlord won't make any improvements Ralph says that the landlord is loaded and takes a vacation once a year to Miami Beach every August. Ralph says that the landlord isn't after the $5, he is after his pound of flesh. Ed says if that's the case, Ralph can pay off the whole building.

They finally go up to see the man that runs the rent control, Mr. Cagleeotti. The man is played by George Petrie. Ralph says that the landlord wants a $5 rent increase. Mr. Cagleeotti: "When did you receive this letter?" Ralph: "About 30 seconds before I called you." Ralph says that he is objecting because he is a BUM. Ed says that he is a crummy rat and a rotten fink. Gee, what good reasons. It is revealed that the landlord never got their hallway walls painted in over 13 years. Ralph: "That is not the only thing. The water boil is broken, the roof leaks, all the boards on the staircase are loose etc. Only, Mr. Mountgovern stepped on a loose board on the third floor and fell all the way down to the first floor. Could have killed himself." Ed: "Luckily, he was carrying a bottle of Canti and the straw broke his fall." Mr. Cagleeotti says that according to the file, the rent in the building is frozen. He can't raise the rent unless he makes certain improvements or he gets the tenants' permission. Mr. Cagleeotti is going to get a form for Mr. Kramden so he could state his objections. Ralph & Ed sing: "Stand In Fight For What You Know Is Right."

One morning, Alice is trying to make breakfast. There is no heat in the building. It is so cold that there's a stick of ice on top of the milk bottle. Ralph says that the reason for the lack of heat is because the landlord is trying to get back at him. Alice is complaining. Ralph: "I won, didn't I?" Alice: "So did George Washington at Valley Forge." Ralph tries to get his long underwear which is on the bedroom fire escape. He brings it inside and it's frozen stiff. Ralph says that all he needs is an ice pick and he will get dressed. Ralph is having bacon, ham, and sausage on his pancakes. Alice wants Ralph to pay the rent increase so they will get heat. Ralph is reluctant. Alice takes the underwear and puts it near the stove so it will thaw out. Alice can't light the gas in the stove. Ralph says that there is nothing wrong and that Alice doesn't know how to light the stove. He tries, but is unsuccessful. Ralph is fed up with the lack of water, gas and heat. He wants to move out and buy a house. Alice says that they can't afford to buy a house and asks Ralph to use some common sense. Ralph says that he is using common sense. Ralph looks in the paper and sees a two-family home for only $500 down. Alice says that there must be a catch. Ralph: "It can't be too bad. It says: 'Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!'" The Kramdens would be the landlords and Ralph figures he would have the Nortons as tenants. Ralph: "Tenants are the least of my worries. If anything goes wrong, we would have to pick up the phone and get it fixed just like that." Alice asks where would they get the money to get it fixed. Ralph: "Very simple. We will raise the rent $5 a month." Ralph is convinced. They are moving out.

At the new broken-down home in Flushing, Trixie is talking to Alice when Ralph comes in. I think that AmericanLife edited the first few minutes of this scene. Ralph seems to be happy in his new home. He asks Trixie what she thinks of her new home. Trixie: "That is a very dangerous question for you to ask me when I have this hammer in my hand." She leaves. Alice expresses her displeasure about the new home. Ed Norton comes in and he is happy about his new home. Ralph says that she has been driving her nuts. Ralph: "It's been argue, argue, argue" Ed: "You got along so good in the other place." Ralph says that Alice has a short memory. Ralph: "At least here we got gas, heat and water." Ed says that the cellar is flooded. Ralph is upset. Ed: "Either it's flooded or you got yourself a new swimming pool." Ralph says that tomorrow night, he will rent a pump and pump the cellar dry before Alice finds out. Ed says that he was hoping that Ralph would come over to his house and repair the things that needed to be repaired (like the place needs a new coat of paint, the electric wiring doesn't work, the bathroom sink needs fixing as well as a few closet doors etc.) Ralph: "If you need anything to get fixed, fix it yourself." Ed says that since Ralph is the landlord, Ralph must fix it or he won't pay the rent. Ralph: "You sneak. What kind of sneak would think of doing something like that?" Ed: "I learned that from you. That is what you did for the landlord in the other place." Ralph reluctantly agrees to fix it but if it ends up more beautiful then his place, him and Ed are switching homes. Gee, Ralph is not nice. Ralph & Ed go over Ed's lease which lasts up to 99 years. Ed: "Can I get time off for good behavior?" Ralph: "That 99 years is for your benefit. No matter what you do, you are here for 99 years. Even after 99 years, you got an option to renew." Ed is glad because when he turns 142, he won't have to find another place to live. In the lease, Ralph is the lessor (the party of the first part) and Ed is the lessee (the party of the second part). Ed: "I thought this was you. Hippso Fatso." Ralph: "That is Ipso Fatto." One of the things in the lease is that Ed can't do is throw a party without Ralph because if he threw a party with Ralph, Ralph can't complain because he's a party of the first part. Ralph: "The landlord always gets the short end." It doesn't sound like Ralph is getting the worst of it here. After a few other things, Ed finally signs the lease. Ralph calls in Alice. Ed says that the arrangement will go fine. Alice sarcastically agrees. All of them sing: "The Future Looks Rosey."

After dinner at Ed's new home, Ralph comes in with paint. He is actually going to paint in a painter's uniform. He is going to fulfill Ed's request of painting the place. Ed asks him to do it when he is working because he can't stand the smell of paint. It makes him sick. Ralph: "You work in the sewer and you can't stand the smell of paint?" Ed: "I got sick down there too. They were painting the sewer." Why would they do that is any body's guess. Ralph insists on doing it now. Ed wants a choice of colors. Ralph writes them down. Here's their conversation. Ed: "I want the walls to be brown. Not as dark as a hazel-nut brown. Not as brown as morbid milk brown. There's a certain way that the sun at Coney Island has a way of striking the a hot dog's mustard which reflects off the hot dog through the mustard and sauerkraut. That's the kind of brown that I want." Ralph: "What about the moldings and window frames?" Ed: "I sort of visualize them as a misty gray. Did you see that technicolor movie with Ricardo Cortez? I want the gray from his eyes. Not the iris part of his eyes, but the cornea." Ralph: "That kind of gray huh? What about the door?" Ed: "The door I haven't really thought to much about." Ralph: "I think it should be something neutral so it doesn't clash with anything." Ed: "Good thinking. It should be a delicate badge. Not a harsh badge, just a neutral delicate badge." Ralph: "Let me see if I got all this right. You want the walls to be a brown like the sun striking through the mustard and sauerkraut on a hot dog. You want the moldings and window frames to be the gray of Robert Cortez's eyes. Not the iris, but the cornea and you want the door to be a nice delicate badge." Ed: "Yeah." Ralph: "I'm painting the whole joint green." Ed: "Green is good." Ralph: "IT WILL BE GREEN-GREEN!" Gee, what a nice landlord (note the sarcasm.) Ed relaxes while Ralph paints. Ralph notices. Ralph: "I never realized how much fun it is to be a landlord. Doing odds and ends and everything" Ed says that it won't work. He has read Tom Sawyer too. Ed plays the violin He says that it is important to use their fullest capabilities. Ed says that he is cheating himself if he doesn't use his free moments to do some creative and artistic endeavor. Ed says that he needs to practice. He plays it terribly. This aggravates Ralph and he orders Ed to stop. Ed says that he has to know how to play "Farmer and The Dell" on the violin by tomorrow. Ralph isn't going to let him play. Ralph paints the bow on his violin green. Ralph: "Now you can play 'Green Sleeves.'" Ed asks him to hurry up. Ralph hurries all right. He takes the paint cans and throws the paint onto the wall. Ed is upset and wants to leave, but Ralph won't let him because of his lease. (His rent is helping to pay Ralph's mortgage.) Ed: "Trixie, for the next 99 years, we aren't having any parties. I don't want Ralph to set foot in here anymore."

At 3am, Ed wakes up Trixie and they start to make noise by their fireplace (that is connected to the Kramden's fireplace.) They use noise-makers while they sing: "Get Some Cats and Dogs and Let Them Fight." After that Ed throws a lit fire cracker up into Ralph's fire escape...and nothing happens. Ed: "It must have been a dud!" Trixie goes to sleep. Ed makes more noise. Ralph hears the noise and confronts Ed. Ed tries to make noise in Ralph's presence. Ralph then shows Ed how to make noise by taking two lids and clanging them together and yelling. A cop comes around and Ed tells him that Ralph is the landlord and since he was trying to make noise to get evicted so Ralph came around and showed him how to make more noise. The cop understands but if he hears more noise, both Ralph & Ed will go to jail. Ralph leaves. Trixie gets back up. Ralph gets toasted from head to toe by one of Norton's giant firecrackers. With that, Ralph comes back in and kicks the Nortons out and just like that, the episode is over. In real life, the wick on fire crackers don't last that long. They make no mention of Ralph & Alice moving back home and making up with the Nortons.

At the curtain call, Jackie just says "Good night!"

Episode #191 (Syndicated episode #20)
TV: Hour (edited).
DVD: Attached to "Be It Ever So Humble" & "People's Choice."
Color Honeymooners Title: "Hair To A Fortune."
Lost Episode Title: "Hair-Raising Tale."
Air Date: 9/16/67

The June Taylor Dancers come out. They sing and dance to a song about being in the park, I believe. After that, they leave. Two con men pull a scam on Ralph as he sits in the park eating his lunch. You can easily tell that the background is completely fake. One poses as the inventor of a miracle hair restorer and the other as an unscrupulous businessman trying to buy the formula. The second man "gets rough" with the smaller one and Ralph intervenes and chases off the larger man. "Prof. Steinhardt" talks to Ralph about his discovery: a hair-restoring formula. "Prof. Steinhardt": "That guy knew me when I was bald." "Prof. Steinhardt": "If I had $500 to go into business, I could make millions. Where am I going to get the $500?" He then says he can get it from Carl and because of that, he could get his share of the revenue. Ralph: "Are you sure that this formula works?" "Prof. Steinhardt": "What do you think my hair is, feathers?" Ralph then says if he gave him the money, would he get the New York revenue. "Prof. Steinhardt" is happy to oblige. Ralph gives him the address. He asks for "Prof. Steinhardt"'s picture of when he was bald. Ralph leaves. It's like if I was Ralph Kramden, I would ask for a contract or something. The con men are happy.

At home, Ralph tries to get the money for the scheme but Alice will not allow him to have the money. Ralph says that he will leave and when he gets the money, Alice is not going to get a cent. Alice thinks that the idea is crazy Alice also says that this idea is going to be another one of his bad get-rich-quick schemes. Ralph says that every bald-headed man in the world will buy it because they are rich and they use their brains. Ralph: "It's a medical fact. The more brains you use, the less hair you have." Alice takes a look at Ralph's head and bases her next response on what Ralph just said. Her response? Alice: "I rest my case." Alice says that Ralph is a born sucker. Ralph disagrees. They both sing: "Stubborn" (I think that that is the title.) Alice says no again to Ralph's plan and goes to bed. Ed Norton comes down. Ralph has kept the whole building awake by telling Alice about his plan. Everyone knows about the plan. Ralph figures he can get three hundred dollars from his life-insurance policy (which consists of only $300), and invites Norton to become his partner for a two-hundred-dollar investment. Ed tells about all the times that Ralph has roped him into get-rich-quick schemes that did nothing for Ed nor Ralph. Ralph says that this idea will work. Ralph shows a picture of "Prof. Steinhardt" when he was bald and says that now he has a lot of hair. Ed says: "$200 is a lot of money to me." Ralph: "Well, I never thought that money would come ahead of our friendship." Gee, imagine if you say to your pal: "All I want is $200." Ralph talks about some of the "good things" he did for Ed. After that Ed complies.

The first day, "Prof. Steinhardt" comes in and Ed says that with that hair, he could be Phyllis Diller's stand-in. I think Youtoo America cut out the first few minutes of this scene. The "professor" gives the ingredients and Ralph gives him the $500. The "professor" wishes them luck. Ralph thought up a name for the product which is called Grow Hair. The "professor" shows them the sample bottle of the formula and the instructions on how to make everything. The "professor" says that if there is anything they need to know, they can reach them in Chicago. He tries to leave. Ralph asks that if there is any papers that he needs to sign. The "professor" says no. He trusts Ralph. You can tell right there that this is a scam, but of course Ralph & Ed can't. Ed says that he didn't give him their address. Ralph goes to find him but all he sees on the street is a bald man. Do you think that that was the "professor"? They get a pan to mix the formulas. Ralph and Ed try to mix the ingredients in typical Ralph and Ed fashion. One of their mistakes is that Ralph calls the H2O bottle: "Ho." He says that you never pronounce the number in chemistry formulas. Ed pours the H2O in the bowl. Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?" Ralph also accidentally pours Ed's beer that he left on the table into the bowl that they are using for hair formula, thinking that that was one of the bottles that they were supposed to use. When he hears what he did, he calls Ed stupid. Ralph lines up the bottles and Ed calls them out when they are ready to be poured in. They end up mispronouncing every name on the bottle. Mr. Mitchell, a half-bald man and Ralph's boss, arrives informing Ralph of a bus assignment. Ralph tells him of the formula that he and Ed made. Mr. Mitchell says that he has tried a lot of hair-restoring formulas but none of them has ever worked. Ralph lets him try theirs. They put a sheet around Mr. Mitchell's neck so his clothes won't get wet. They drop some of the sample formula on Mr. Mitchell's head and put a hot towel on Mr. Mitchell's head. Mr. Mitchell doesn't like the hotness of the towel but he takes it easy. Ralph & Ed sing: "A Head of Hair Makes A Man A Millionaire."

A while later, Ed asks Ralph if he can try this formula on a cousin of his. Ralph: "Sure." Ed: "She will really appreciate it." The towel is taken off and not only did it not grow hair but kills all of what Mr. Mitchell had. I think you can tell that that actor that played Mr. Mitchell is wearing something on his head to make him look bald. Question: How could that formula kill Mr. Mitchell's hair? Ralph smashes the mirror that Ed was holding (unbeknownst to Mr. Mitchell) and blames it on Ed. Ralph: "You look very young." Ed: "About eight days old." The girls come home and see Mr. Mitchell and they realize that h e is bald. Trixie (not knowing that Mr. Mitchell had hair) says to Ed: "You better test that formula before you try it out on Mr. Mitchell." She says something like that. Alice: "I think that Ralph & Ed did." Mr. Mitchell: "I used to have a problem with my hair." Trixie: "You certainly don't have one now." Mr. Mitchell finds out what has happened to his hair and says he will sue both Ralph and Ed and Ralph will lose his job. Question: Shouldn't Mr. Mitchell found out how much hair he has on his head by feeling how cold his scalp was? Alice and Trixie don't like what their husbands did and blame Mr. Mitchell's bald head on them. Ed: "Don't blame me. The formula is a good dandruff remover." Ed: "He can't sue us. All the money we have has been used up for the hair-restorer. Ralph doesn't understand how everything went wrong. Alice sarcastically doesn't understand and reviews the story of how Ralph found out about the formula and what Ralph did. The formula somehow also caused the bowl they were using to break. How did that happen? All of them sing: "I Told You So." during which the girls remind each of their husband’s terrible ideas and each of the husbands defend themselves. One of Ed's ideas was taking a hypnosis course and somehow ended up hypnotizing one of Trixie's family members to believe that he is a chicken that lays eggs. Oh gosh! That is grounds enough for divorce right there I think. Ed says that because of him laying eggs, he is making money.

The next day, Ralph and Ed try to do the same thing to a guy on the park bench what the two shady people did to Ralph. (Ralph even looks and acts like "Prof. Steinhardt" complete with fake foreign accent.) Only problem is of course is that that Ed is the bully and Ralph is the victim. Not very believable. Not only that, but the person on the park bench doesn't intervene. Ed leaves. Ralph tries to sell Grow Hair to the guy (played by George Petrie). But the guy talks to him about his invention he is trying to market, an electric zipper. Ralph forgets all about unloading Grow Hair and wonders how much money he can make selling zippers as everyone dances around them and people sing: "There Is Fun For All In Central Park."

At the curtain call, Jackie says "How Sweet It Is" and praises the Miami Beach audience He also introduces the regular cast members and says good night to everyone.

Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Box Set booklet Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, Yahoo Group You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.