A Honeymooners XMas:

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Kramdens and Nortons are shown at Chicago International Airport. They watch people looking to see who is coming. It's 12am. It's Santa Claus played by Jay Leno. Crowd cheers.)

Ralph: "I can't believe it. It's Santa."

Ed: "Hey, he's got a bigger stomach than you do Ralph."

Santa (yells): "HO! HO! HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! I WILL GET EVERYONE. HAVE PATIENCE."

(The Kramdens, Gibsons and Nortons walk back to their seats. Eventually Santa arrives and greets them.)

Ralph: "Santa, you are AMAZING."

Alice: "After the PA announcer said that all flights are cancelled, I texted Santa about our predictament. He has all of our gifts."

Santa: "Merry Christmas to all of you. Here's a gift for you Ralph. A new bowling bag ball. I mean a new bowling ball bag."

Ralph: "Thank you."

Santa: "Here is a couple of spats for you Ed."

Ed: "Thank you."

Santa: "Here is a gift for you Alice, Trixie and Alice's Mother. It's a Orange Juice squeezer. You squeeze the orange on Napoloean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears."

All: "Thank you."

Santa: "Here's a gift for you Alice's Dad. A DVD Box Set by Time Life of the 60s episodes of the Jackie Gleason Show featuring seven of the short Color Honeymooners sketches as well as the script of the Honeymooners play."

Ralph: "Good for you."

Alice's Dad: "Thank you Santa."

(Ralph gets up.)

Ralph: "I will say this again. I love saying this. Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up – red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas.' Well, maybe except if you got to Walmart."

(Crowd boos.)

Ralph: "Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home – you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place you're going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"

(They each kiss and hug their respective partners. The curtain starts to close but Jackie stops it.)

Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen, we don't normally step out of character this way, but I want to change things up. Let's introduce every one of the cast. First: Jean Kean."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: “Ethel Owen!”

(Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Also, Howard St. John. The guy who plays Alice’s Dad.”

(Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "And the actor who played Santa. Jay Leno ”

(Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Now Sammy Spear, I hope you are still sober."

(Crowd laughs.)

Jackie: "It's time to play a carol. How about this one Jay? Jingle Bells."

Jay: "I was thinking about the song that goes: 'Joy to the world/the teacher is dead/..."

(Crowd laughs.)

Jay (continues): "...they barbecued her head."

(Jackie laughs with everyone.)

Jay: "I'm kidding."

Jackie: "You are a riot."

All (singing): "Dashing through the snow/In a one horse open sleigh/Over the fields we go/Laughing all the way (ha ha ha)/bells on bob tail ring/making spirits bright/what fun it is to laugh and sing a sleighing song tonight./ Oh jingle bells jingle bells/jingle all the way!/Oh what fun it is to ride and sing In a one horse open sleigh, Hey!/Jingle bells jingle bells/Jingle all the way!/Oh what joy it is to ride/in a one horse open sleigh./A day or two ago I thought I'd took a ride/and soon Miss Fannie Bright/seated by my side/the horse was lean and lank/misfortuned seemed his lot/he got into a drifted bank/and we we got upsot/oh jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way!/Oh what fun it is to ride/In a one horse open sleigh, Hey!/Jingle bells jingle bells Jingle all the way!/Oh what joy it is to ride/In a one horse open sleigh./A day of two ago/The story I must tell/I went out on the snow/And on my back I fell;/A gent was riding by in a one-horse open sleigh/he laughed a there I sprawling lie/but quickly drove away/Oh jingle bells jingle bells/jingle all the way!/Oh what fun it is to ride/In a one horse open sleigh, Hey!/Jingle bells jingle bells/Jingle all the way!/Oh what joy it is to ride/in a one horse open sleigh/the ground is white/go it while you're young/take the girls to night/and sing this sleighing song/just get a bob tailed bay/to forty as his speed/hitch him to an open sleigh/and crack you'll take the lead."

(Everyone cheers.)

Jay (yells): "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! THE MIAMI BEACH AUDIENCES ARE THE GREATEST AUDIENCES IN THE WORLD."

Jackie (smiling): "THAT'S MY LINE! GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE!"

(The crowd erupts with cheers.)

Credit for the lyrics goes to http://www.metrolyrics.com/jingle-be...as-carols.html