A Honeymooners July 4th:

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph & Ed are packing the car.)

Ed: "Boy Ralph, this was a pretty smart idea of yours. Us getting a cottage in Gloucester, Massachusetts for the July 4th holiday."

Ralph: "Of course. I got some real great fireworks for us to launch. We will be like kids."

Ed: "Ralph, where did you get them? Are they legal?"

Ralph: "Of course they are legal. I got them real cheap from a street vendor. All the street vendors in Brooklyn would NEVER sell illegal fireworks."

(The girls come down.)

Alice: "Boys, are you all ready?"

Ralph: "Are we ready? Of course, we are."

Ed: "There is one bad thing about this trip."

Ralph: "What's that?"

Ed: "Ralph, you can't enter the Nathan's hot dog eating contest. With a body like yours, you will be starving. It will be rough on the farmers."

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE GOING TO GET IT NORTON. YOU'RE GOING TO GET IT."

(They all get in the car.)

Ralph: "And away we go."

(They leave.)

(They arrive in the house in Gloucester, Massachusetts.)

Ralph: "Finally, we are here. We would have been here hours ago if a certain someone had the EZ Pass. Isn't that right Norton?"

Ed: "You are right Ralph. It's MY fault that YOU forgot the EZ Pass."

Trixie: "You two have been bickering like little babies all the way up here."

Alice: "That is true. I hope you don't embarrass us by doing what you did the last time you were up here Ralph, which is get drunk and expose yourself outside.:

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP NORTON!"

Alice: "Ralph, I see that you got fireworks Ralph. I hope that they are legal."

Ralph: "Alice, how many times do I have to tell you? These fireworks are legal."

Alice: "All right. By the way Ralph, my folks are coming by and my Cousin Leo is coming by."

Ralph (yells): "WHAT?"

(Alice's parents arrive.)

Alice's Mom: "Hi Sonny Boy!"

(Ralph stamps his feet all the way up the stairs like a little kid.)

(On the night of July 4th.)

Alice's Mom: "I am sure glad that you didn't stuff yourself with hot dogs Ralph. You got the perfect body for them,"

(Ralph has got a mean look on his face.)

Ralph: "Okay people, I got the fireworks ready."

Alice: "Ralph, I am looking at these fireworks. I think that these fireworks are ILLEGAL."

Ralph (yells): "ALICE, I AM TELLING YOU THAT THESE FIREWORKS ARE LEGAL."

Alice (yells): "RALPH, HOW CAN YOU BE SURE? I KNOW ABOUT FIREWORKS. I AM 99.9% SURE THAT THESE FIREWORKS ARE ILLEGAL."

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE WRONG LIKE ALWAYS. I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU. STAND BACK."

Alice (yells): "RALPH, DON'T."

Ralph (yells): "I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME ABOUT FIREWORKS. I KNOW ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ABOUT THEM."

(Ralph fires some of the fireworks. A cop sees them. The fireworks misfire and hit the Kramdens and Nortons car which causes it to explode. The cop comes by. So does Cousin Leo.)

Cop: "Hello people."

(The cop sees the fireworks.)

Cop: "Sir these fireworks are illegal. Who bought them?"

Alice's Mother: "He did."

Ralph (to Alice's mother, yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

Cop: "You are under arrest sir."

Alice: "Ralph, you will pay for the damages to the car."

Ralph (to Alice, yells): "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"

Cousin Leo: "Happy July 4th! Am I too late for the eats?"

Alice's Mom: "You may be too late for the eats but not too late to see my big, fat lousy son-in-law make a fool of himself again."

Ralph (to Alice's Mom, yells as he is being hauled off to jail): "YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU ARE A BLABBERMOUTH. A BLAB-BER-MOUTH."

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. I just want to wish everyone a happy July 4th."

(Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Let's introduce every one of the cast. First: Jean Kean."

(Audience cheers as Jean comes on stage and shakes Jack's hand.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(Audience cheers as Audrey comes on stage and kisses Jack.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(Audience cheers as Art comes on stage and shakes Jack's hand.)

Jackie: “Ethel Owen!”

(Crowd cheers as Ethel comes on stage and shakes Jack's hand.)

Jackie: “Also, Howard St. John. The guy who plays Alice’s Dad.”

(Crowd cheers as Howard comes on stage and shakes Jack's hand.)

Jackie: "As usual, the Miami Beach July 4th's are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Crowd cheers.)