Honeymooners Memorial Day

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Kramdens and Nortons are at a Raccoon Memorial Day bowling tournament at a bowling alley.)

Ralph: "Wow! First annual Raccoon Memorial Day Bowling Tournament."

Ed: "We man win the first prize."

Ralph: "Yeah. Four tickets to Miami Beach."

(Crowd cheers.)

Ed: "Look at all the war veterans that are here."

Ralph: "We will dedicate our victory to all the war veterans who are here and have passed away. They sacrificed their lives so we can enjoy our freedom."

Ed: "That is right Ralph. I was in the Navy. I know what sacrificing is like."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

(Alice comes by.)

Alice: "Ralph & Ed, good luck."

Ed: "Thank you Alice."

Ralph: "Thanks Alice."

Ed: "You're a sweet kid Alice."

Ralph: "I got a feeling that I am going to bowl like I never bowled before."

Ed: "That is great Ralph."

(They start bowling. Both of them get to the finals.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph-ie boy! We are this close to winning the tourney so we can dedicate our win to the war veterans."

Ralph: "That is true Norton."

Alice: "Ralph, we got a late visitor."

(Alice's mother comes in.)

Alice's Mom: "Hi Sonny boy!"

Ralph (yells): "WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?"

Alice's Mom: "I know that you two want to get those tickets. I want to see the expression on your faces when you lose."

Ralph: "I will NOT lose. Get that through your thick skull."

(Ed bowls a strike.)

(Cousin Leo comes in.)

Leo: "Hello Alice & Ralph. Am I too late for the tourny?"

Ralph: "It's my turn to bowl. If I get one pin down, we win."

Alice's Mom: "Hahahaha!"

Ralph (dropping the ball, mockingly): "Hahahaha! OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

(Bowl rolls down. It's a gutter ball.)

Head Raccoon (yells): "THE WINNERS ARE BROTHER CASSIDY AND BROTHER NOLAN."

Alice's Mom (to Leo): "You may be too late for the tourny but you are not too late to see my fat, loser son-in-law to make a fool of himself."

Ralph (to Alice's Mom, yells): "BLABBERMOUTH! YOU! BLABBERMOUTH!"

(A fight interrupts. People try to separate the two.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. Thank you. How sweet it is."

(Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "In case you are wondering, those weren't real bowling balls. I want to wish everyone, especially the marines in the first row, a Happy Memorial Day."

(Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Once again, the Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Crowd cheers.)