Masked Bagger & Cart-Boy (issues 31-40) **includes series finale**

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #31. New Era, Old Faces

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck (34 years-old)
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward (17 years-old)
Miss Mindy Dalton (33 years-old)
Mr. Brad Bartlett (51 years-old)
Ben Davis (23 years-old)

[Adamantium]

Also Starring:
Hailie Morgan (24 years-old)
Bernie Boswell (23 years-old)

Guest Starring:
Pineapple-Man
Glup
Cassie Beaumont
Rachel

**This issue is a tad dirtier than previous ones (nothing so bad that I decided not to post it, however). I apologize for that to those who don't go in for that sense of humor.**

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #31. New Era, Old Faces

Originally released on April 23rd, 2016

We Now Present To You… This Issue!

Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy are on the front end, battling the recently escaped Glup.

Masked Bagger: Give it up, Glup. You can’t beat us.

Glup: Wrong! I managed to escape. Step one!

Cart-Boy: He’s got us there. We really need to make the prison more escape-proof!

Masked Bagger: And when do I have time to work on that - what with the villains constantly escaping and needing to be rounded up and returned to their cells?

Glup punches the 717 Guardian in the face, leaving it a greasy, sloppy mess as Bagger falls to the floor. Cart-Boy takes out his handle bar and takes aim to whack the villain on the head. However, Glup grabs it and begins beating the teen hero with it. Masked Bagger wipes off his face and then points the bag-gun right at Glup, who turns around and stretches his greasy arm to reach Bagger, and punches him again. This at least gave Cart-Boy the chance to take back his handle bar as Glup loosened his grip, while punching the magnificent masked hero.

Cart-Boy: Come on and take your medicine, blob!

Cart-Boy again aims to hit Glup over the head, but because the handle bar is still greasy, it slides right out of his hand, and the baddie is able to punch it away. Glup walks away from the fight scene. Masked Bagger gets up again.

Masked Bagger: Carts, we have to stop him!

Cart-Boy: Well, duh, but how?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know, but we can’t let him out of our sight.

Cart-Boy: Not like we can lose him. He leaves a greasy trail wherever he goes.

Masked Bagger: You’re right. That’s dangerous.

CUT TO: A couple minutes later, Masked Bagger is again battling Glup while Cart-Boy is following behind them, putting plenty of “Caution: Wet Floor” signs out. After all, safety first!

Masked Bagger: I’ve got a bag-gun here and I’m not afraid to use it.

Glup: I’ve got my own version.

Glup takes aim and shoots out a giant glob of grease that covers Masked Bagger from head to toe. Glup walks closer to the hero to pound him into the floor with his massive fists, when Bagger’s hand breaks free… the hand with the bag-gun, that is! He shoots Glup, capturing him in a big plastic Kroger bag. He then frees the rest of himself and stands over the villain.

Masked Bagger: I need a shower.

Cart-Boy finally makes his way over from putting down all the wet floor signs. Suddenly, he slips and falls.

Masked Bagger: Carts, did you not see all the wet floor signs around?

CUT TO: Adam, Chris and Mr. Bartlett are walking around the store together, discussing Adam’s lack of love life.

Adam Hauck: I don’t want Mindy to know that I’m still a loser with women. I want to be able to say to her “Welcome back. How are you? Cool. I’ve had sex with women while you were gone.” Is that too much to ask? I think not!

Chris Ward: Speaking of ask, why don’t you find a woman and ask her out? They’re clearly not going to just up and ask *you* out.

Adam Hauck: Hmm, maybe Katie? She and Austin finally broke up.

Chris Ward: I know I wasn’t around when you used to chase after her, but from all accounts, she wants to be nothing more with you than just friends.

Mr. Bartlett: That’s putting it nicely. I don’t think she even wants *that*. But maybe I’m mistaken.

Bartlett nods his head no.

Adam Hauck: Okay fine, not Katie. But then who?

An attractive woman walks by.

Mr. Bartlett: How about this woman?

Adam Hauck: She *is* quite the looker. Okay, I’ll go up to her and ask her out. I just need a moment to gear up for it.

Chris Ward: You don’t have the ovals to ask that woman out.

Adam Hauck: If “ovals” are what I think they are, I can assure you I have them and they’re about to go to action. Just watch.

Adam nervously (but pretending to be cool) heads over to the attractive woman named Cassie.

Adam Hauck: Hello, can I help you find anything today, miss?

Cassie Beaumont: No, thanks. I’m good.

Adam Hauck: Are you sure? Because if you’re single, I can find you a good man. I don’t have far to look… just the nearest mirror.

Cassie Beaumont: Are you hitting on me?

Adam Hauck: I’m trying to. Is it taking?

She smiles.

Cassie Beaumont: It’s doing okay. Besides, I have a thing for fat, ugly guys.

Adam Hauck: Then it doesn‘t matter what I say. I‘ll just let my appearance do the talking for me.

Cassie Beaumont: Go out with me tomorrow night. Lovemaking is guaranteed.

Adam Hauck: Wow, my appearance is one smooth operator. You got yourself a date tomorrow night.

CUT TO: Pineapple-Man has escaped the basement prison. As he is headed for produce, he talks to himself…

Pineapple-Man: I can’t fail this time. Masked Bagger MUST be killed, and I can return to my job as produce head and no longer be a pariah to my own department.

CUT TO: The next day. Chris Ward is in the hallway of his high school. An attractive classmate, Rachel, walks up to him. He’s not surprised as he’s quite cocky.

Rachel: Hi, Chris.

Chris Ward: Hey, what’s up, Rachel?

Rachel: Not much. I was just wondering if you still work at Kroger?

Chris Ward: Yes. Why? Do you want me to bag something for you? Because I really only do that at work.

Rachel: No. I was wondering if you know who Cart-Boy really is.

Chris Ward: Why do you want to know?

Rachel: I’ve seen him in action, and let’s just say, he does it for me.

Chris gets excited.

Chris Ward: Yeah, I know who he is.

Rachel: What’s his real name?

Chris is having a hard time avoiding telling Rachel the truth.

Chris Ward: I’m not allowed to tell. Sorry.

Rachel: Oh, come on. Please.

Chris Ward: I can’t, but what about this? If you go with me to the dance this Friday, I’ll put in a good word for you with Cart-Boy.

Rachel: Great! Oh, and I’ll go with you even if you don’t talk to Cart-Boy on my behalf.

Chris smiles. Unlike Adam, who usually strikes out, getting girls comes quite easily to Chris.

CUT TO: Later that day. Chris is out of school and on the clock at Kroger. A page has gone over the intercom warning Masked Bagger about a Pineapple-Man sighting. The Grocery-Store Guardians march right over to produce, where Piney is standing.

Masked Bagger: You escape and don’t even try to hide. You’re just out in the open for us to recapture you.

Pineapple-Man: Why escape if I’m only going to live in fear? This is my way of saying I’m not afraid of you, Bagger. And this is MY produce department. I’m not leaving.

Cart-Boy: I’ve got this handle bar here that’s gonna persuade you otherwise.

Pineapple-Man: (to Masked Bagger) Why the need for some teenage help? You were great on your own.

Masked Bagger: Thank you, but I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. Things just happened.

Pineapple-Man: Wait a moment… this isn’t your son, is it?

Masked Bagger: My son?!? Of course not! I’m not old enough to have a sixteen year-old son. I’m only thirty-four.

Pineapple-Man: Let’s see, that means you would have been eighteen when the cart-lad was born. Yes, you most certainly *are* old enough.

Masked Bagger: (shocked) Well damn. I’m old enough to have a sixteen year-old son.

Cart-Boy: Actually, I’m seventeen now.

Masked Bagger: Seventeen? They grow up so fast! Where does the time go? It seems like only yesterday I was in high school, trying to convince the other students that I’m cool. Now I’m just some old man, counting down the days ‘til I die.

Pineapple-Man: Count no more, Bagger. This is that day.

Masked Bagger: (joking) I wish, but no. It’s not.

The masked hero takes out his bag-gun because, you know, he has to at least *try* using it before it gets knocked out of his hand. He aims it at the villain who, with the power of his mind, hurls a pineapple at Bagger’s hand, knocking the bag-gun to the floor.

Cart-Boy: I got it, Bags!

Masked Bagger: Cool but don’t ever call me “Bags” again.

Cart-Boy: Hey, I don’t like being called “Carts.”

Pineapple-Man: And while we’re at it, I don’t like being called “Piney.”

Masked Bagger: Boy, we’re a mess, aren’t we?

Cart-Boy is about to grab the bag-gun when a telekinetically thrown cantaloupe smacks him in the face. Suddenly, a big watermelon floats over the gun and lands hard, crushing it.

Masked Bagger: My bag-gun! I don’t know how to fix it, either!

Pineapple-Man: Then it looks like I’m winning.

Masked Bagger: Looks can be deceiving! (thinks for a moment) Although I guess in this case, looks are right on.

Pineapple-Man: I’m going to quit while I’m ahead. Time to finish you.

Piney uses his telekinesis to lift all the fruits from the shelves, and they hover up to the ceiling.

Pineapple-Man: Be fruitful and multiply!

The amount of fruit suddenly doubles. Masked Bagger rolls under the potato table to safety. He sees Cart-Boy still standing there and shoots out his cart strap. It wraps around the teen’s ankle and knocks him on his butt. Bagger then reels him in just before all the fruit lands on the floor, burying the table.

Cart-Boy: Seriously, dude. That hurt!

Masked Bagger: I’d say being crushed to death by all that fruit would be much worse.

Cart-Boy: Nope. Then I wouldn’t be laying here with a sore tailbone.

Masked Bagger: Okay, fine. I’m sorry for saving your life.

Cart-Boy: Apology accepted. So, what do we do now? We’re buried alive in a mountain of fruit.

Masked Bagger: Too bad it’s not pizza. We could eat our way out of here.

A few minutes later, there’s a light shining through. Mr. Bartlett is doing his best to remove all the fruit. Within a few more minutes, our heroes are freed. They both stand up.

Masked Bagger: Where’s Pineapple-Man?

Mr. Bartlett: He took off. No doubt enjoying his victory over you.

Cart-Boy: Now what?

Masked Bagger: Now, it’s break time. I’m starving. I just wish I had something to eat while I was surrounded by all that fruit.

Bagger and Boy walk off. Bartlett says to himself…

Mr. Bartlett: He’ll never be a healthy man, will he?

CUT TO: That night. Adam and Cassie’s date went surprisingly well. The two went back to Adam’s place for some late night lovemaking. Cassie is on the bed, naked. Adam is standing at the end of the bed, fully clothed. He takes out a diagram of the female body, and looks at it.

Adam Hauck: Okay, so I stick my manhood…

He looks at the diagram and then back at Cassie. He points to the proper area.

Adam Hauck: Right there.

He begins to take his clothes off, when Cassie stops him.

Cassie Beaumont: Stop it. You’re too weird. I can’t do this!

Adam Hauck: Come on, I was just kidding. You know, breaking the tension? You don’t know weird until you’ve met Bernie Boswell. I mean that guy is nuts.

Cassie Beaumont: So, you’re not really so stupid as to not know where to put it?

Adam Hauck: Exactly. I know where to put it. Now, do you want to continue? Because I do.

Cassie Beaumont: Okay, fine. Let’s get it on.

Adam Hauck: Great. You’re in for some of the best lovemaking you’ve ever had!

Cassie Beaumont: I’ll decide that. Just be sure to pay me $200 when it’s over.

Adam Hauck: Wait, what? You’re a prostitute?

Cassie Beaumont: (offended) Of course not, you jerk! I’m just a little low on cash, and you looked like the kind of chump who would hand over his money to a beautiful woman in exchange for sex.

Adam Hauck: I have to be going now, Cassie. I have a little thing called pride. It won’t allow me to continue being here.

Cassie Beaumont: You’re right about having a “little thing.”

Adam Hauck: That’s not what I said, and how would you even know? I’m fully dressed right now!

Cassie Beaumont: It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is what I tell people about you.

Adam Hauck: I guess that’s right.

Cassie Beaumont: So, are you going to pay up?

Adam Hauck: Fine.

He gets out his wallet and hands Cassie two hundred dollars.

Adam Hauck: Well, you’ve been paid. We may as well do the deed.

Cassie Beaumont: Actually, I have to pay this bill immediately. I’ll be going now.

Adam Hauck: Wait, no sex?

Cassie Beaumont: Nope. You should have paid me after.

Adam Hauck: You know, when I invited you to come over to screw me, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.

CUT TO: The next day at work. Ben is in the break room. Bernie enters.

Bernie Boswell: Watcha up to, Ben?

Ben Davis: I’m working on a screenplay. While I plan to one day make it big with a movie based on Masked Bagger, for now, I’m starting out with a romantic comedy.

Bernie Boswell: That’s cool. You know, if I was writing a movie, I’d write a horror film.

Ben Davis: Would it be based on your life?

Bernie Boswell: No, it wouldn’t.

Ben Davis: I know. I was just kidding.

Bernie Boswell: I know you were, but I felt if I laughed, it would only encourage you to joke like that again, and I can’t have that.

Ben Davis: (frustrated) Anyways, what would your movie be about?

Bernie Boswell: The thing that scares me the most - the unknown. See, the actual slashing and gory stuff doesn’t scare me. It’s not getting a clear shot of the killer. It’s not knowing when he’s going to strike. That’s where the fear lies for me. So here’s my idea. The movie starts with a group of friends living in Springfield. They’re all happy and leading good lives. There’s knowledge of a Springfield murderer, but they pay very little attention to it. They just go about their business, being happy, having sex and whatever. About fifty minutes into the film, the gang is *still* happy and healthy. The audience is on the edge of their seats, waiting for the murderer to come in and slash up everybody, especially during the sex scenes. But alas, it doesn’t happen. Cut to thirty minutes later, the gang is still happy, healthy, alive and all that jazz. It turns out, the murderer lives in a different Springfield.

Ben Davis: That sounds terrible.

Bernie Boswell: (offended) Terrible? Well aren’t *we* the movie critic? You know, you should really wait to watch the finished film before commenting on how much it sucks. That’s what I plan to do with *your* movie.

Ben Davis: (sarcastically) You really put me in *my* place.

Bernie Boswell: Oh, that’s it. Please don’t make me kick your ass!

Ben Davis: What?

Bernie Boswell: (cowardly) Seriously, please don’t make me. Because I don’t think I can take you, and I’ll probably end up getting my own ass kicked in the process. So again, I must beg of you… please don’t make me kick your ass.

Ben Davis: You don’t have to kick my ass.

Bernie Boswell: (relieved) Oh, thank you, friend.

CUT TO: Hailie is talking to an uninterested Mr. Bartlett about her relationship with Ben.

Hailie Morgan: Ben be tellin’ me he be havin’ a secret he need be tellin’ me.

Mr. Bartlett: Are you brain damaged? Why do you talk that way?

Hailie Morgan: Just help me! I don’t know what to do ‘bout this.

Mr. Bartlett: And you decided this was a corporate matter?

Hailie Morgan: No, but Katie be off. Bernie be married to a ghost, so I don’t wanna get help from him. Adam be, well Adam. Chappy’s on vacation. Who else can I go to?

Mr. Bartlett: How about one of the many *other* employees in the store?

Hailie Morgan: No, seriously.

Mr. Bartlett: Okay, fine. Ben seems like a decent young man. I can’t picture him cheating on you. So that can’t be his secret. Maybe he’s gay or dying or something.

Hailie Morgan: He’d better be gay or dying, and not cheating on me or he *wish* he be gay or dying!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is walking around produce, looking for Pineapple-Man. The search ends as Piney walks up to him and punches Bagger in the face.

Masked Bagger: Ouch! Hey, you punched me! Usually you just hurl fruit at my head. What’s up with that?

Pineapple-Man: I wanted to feel your face on my fist. So, no sidekick today, Bagger?

Masked Bagger: Of course.

Cart-Boy taps Piney on the shoulder. When he turns around, the teen hero rams him in the face with his handle bar. The produce pariah goes down.

Masked Bagger: I figure I should make good use of there being two heroes now.

He takes out his new bag-gun (turns out there’s a drawer full of them in the basement lab), but before he can use it, a swarm of fruit surround Bagger’s head. Cart-Boy grabs an orange and tosses it in the air. He swings his handle bar, batting the orange into Pineapple-Man’s face. This distracts him for a moment, causing the fruit around Bagger to drop to the floor.

Cart-Boy: You’re free, Bagger! Use your gun!

Masked Bagger: On it!

The 717 Guardian is too slow and Piney begins hurling more fruit, one after another after another: anything from limes to apples to oranges to pineapples to cantaloupes to other fruits I can’t think of at the moment. Bagger does his best to dodge them. As for Cart-Boy, four wheels pop out of the sides to both of his shoes, allowing him to skate around produce, bashing all the fruits and veggies with his handle bar.

Pineapple-Man: This is wonderful. You two look ridiculous, swatting away the fruits and veggies as if they were mosquitoes.

Cart-Boy: I’ve never swatted mosquitoes with a handle bar before, so I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Masked Bagger: You’ve got to stop this, Pineapple-Man! How can I defeat you, if I can’t get near you?

Pineapple-Man: Precisely!

Masked Bagger takes out his bag-gun and aims it at that prickly produce pariah. However, Pineapple-Man quickly gathers a bunch of fruits and veggies to form the shape of a person his size, and when the bag shoots out, it captures those instead of him. The guardian is mad.

Masked Bagger: Damn it! Did you see that, Cart-Boy?

Cart-Boy is currently texting with Rachel while battling away the fruits. If only she knew that she was texting with Cart-Boy during a battle. She’d be thrilled.

Masked Bagger: Okay fine, Piney. You win.

Pineapple-Man: I don’t win until you’re dead.

Masked Bagger: Oh, well then you’ll never win. You see, I can’t die. This is *my* story, and the powers that be would have to change the title if I perish… and they don’t want to do that.

Pineapple-Man: You could be dead and then someone else comes by, using the guise of “Masked Bagger.”

Masked Bagger: I guess that’s true.

Masked Bagger - the one and only - quickly points the bag-gun at Piney and shoots it, finally bagging him and ending this particular fight.

Masked Bagger: Well, that was easy.

Bagger looks over and sees Cart-Boy still swatting away, even though there’s nothing to swat at anymore. He’s unaware of the bagging of Pineapple-Man, because he’s in a deep texting conversation with Rachel.

CUT TO: Ben and Hailie are standing in the hallway of his house, just next to his bedroom.

Hailie Morgan: Benny, this be ridiculous. I have never seen the inside of yo room. What you be hiding from me?

Ben Davis: I just don’t like my room. That’s all.

Hailie Morgan: You keeping something from me. I demand to know right now, before I kick yo ass!

Ben Davis: Relax.

Hailie Morgan: No! You be acting strange for a while now. I let things slide, but I gotta know. You got yourself a side bitch?

Ben Davis: You think I’m cheating on you? No way! I love you, Hails.

Hailie Morgan: Well then what be this secret you won’t tell me?

Ben Davis: Fine. I’ll come clean. The secret is… um… well. I’ll tell you. I’m coming out.

Hailie Morgan: You be gay?

Ben Davis: No. I’m a brony.

Hailie Morgan: What be a “brony”?

Ben Davis: Young adult males who watch and love the television cartoon “My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.”

Ben then opens the door to his bedroom, revealing a “My Little Pony” setup, complete with toys on display, a couple posters and a bedspread of the show. Hailie looks on with disgust.

CUT TO: Ben is chatting with Bernie while cleaning the bagger’s closet.

Ben Davis: So, Hailie and I decided to take a break from our relationship for a while.

Bernie Boswell: I’m sorry, dude. You two made a great couple.

Ben Davis: Thanks, but until we can work out a certain problem we have, there’s no getting back together.

Bernie Boswell: What problem?

Ben Davis: It’s, uh, personal. I just want to tell you, though, that I value your friendship. After all, friendship is magic.

Adam walks over to them.

Adam Hauck: What are you doing, Ben?

Ben Davis: Isn’t it obvious? I’m cleaning off the door here.

Adam Hauck: Why?

Ben Davis: It’s dirty and the new manager starts today. Gotta make the store look nice.

Adam Hauck: You’re going about this all wrong. When a new manager comes to a store, they want to have things to fix. That way it makes them feel like they’ve accomplished something or put their stamp on the place. You’ve gotta keep things dirty so the manager can tell you to clean it up… and then take credit for getting it done.

Ben Davis: But it’s Mindy. She’s cool.

Adam Hauck: But she’s a manager now. I’ve known many cool people who changed when they went into management.

Mindy Dalton walks in the front door. She stands there a moment and looks around. She’s happy to be back.

Ben Davis: Hey Mindy, welcome back!

Miss Dalton: Thanks, Ben. It’s good to be back. But I’m the manager now, so you’d better call me “Miss Dalton.”

Ben Davis: (to Adam) For once, you’re right.

Ben walks away.

Bernie Boswell: I’m glad you’re back. This store really missed you.

Miss Dalton: Thank you… I want to say “Billy”?

Bernie Boswell: That’s a great memory you’ve got there. You were almost correct! It’s Bernie.

Miss Dalton: That’s right.

Bernie walks away. It’s now just Mindy and Adam.

Adam Hauck: So, you’re back. You know, I was a little nervous of who the new boss was going to be. But I gotta say, I’m glad it’s you.

Miss Dalton: I’m glad to be back. I’m just sorry it’s under such sad circumstances, but this place feels like home.

Adam Hauck: Things have changed since you left. I have a sidekick now, so I guess we’ll be a trio.

Miss Dalton: No, Adam. I’m no longer Retail-Red. Those days are over. I’m in management now, and I take that seriously. I’m here because no one else wanted this store and I have a history here.

Adam Hauck: Me?

Miss Dalton: Yes you, but mainly *my* Adam.

Adam Hauck: Oh, right. Him.

Miss Dalton: How is he?

Adam Hauck: He’s fine. He talks about you every now and then.

Miss Dalton: I can’t believe it’s been a year since I set foot inside this place.

Adam Hauck: Me neither. I thought you were going to visit.

Miss Dalton: I intended to, but you know how things work out. You don’t always get a chance to do the things you want to do.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, like be able to tell you that I had sex while you were away. Oh, how I wanted to tell you - in a casual manner - that I’ve been sexing a bunch of ladies. But alas, I cannot say that. Well, I *can*, but it would be a lie.

Miss Dalton: It’s good to see that some things don’t change. Your lack of love life, for example.

Adam Hauck: Yeah.

CUT TO: Chris is at his school dance with Rachel. However, girls are lining up to have the next dance with him. Adam, on the other hand, is at home on various dating websites, looking for women to date, but is getting nowhere.

Adam Hauck: I thought superheroes were supposed to have love interests. All I get are women who either don’t like me, are dating an alternate world version of me, or just want what little money I have. This world is a twisted place.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE 32. Date on Defrost

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Miss Mindy Dalton
Mr. Brad Bartlett
Ben Davis
Hailie Morgan
Bernie Boswell

Guest Starring:
Freeze-Cepticon alias Gabe Chapman [both pictured below]
Jacey Johnson [pictured below]
Katie Collins [pictured below]

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #32. Date on Defrost

Originally released on May 18th, 2016

And Now Our Story…

Twenty-year-old Jacey Johnson is in the middle of a photo shoot for promotional shots of the “Win a Date with Jacey Johnson” contest. As a Kroger model, she has pretty much become the face of the company, appearing at store events, commercials and even her own 16 Months of Jacey calendar. As her picture is taken, we jump ahead a couple of months. Chris Ward is inside the bagger’s closet, looking at the flyer for the contest he had stored away. Adam walks over and notices.

Chris Ward: Jacey Johnson is so hot.

Adam Hauck: Yeah. She’s okay.

Chris Ward: You know there’s a contest to win a date with her. I entered it.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, I entered it, too. It’s not a big deal though.

Miss Dalton walks up to the two baggers.

Miss Dalton: Adam, congratulations. You won the date with Kroger model, Jacey Johnson.

Adam Hauck: YES!! I, uh, mean *me*? Really?

Miss Dalton: Well you *did* buy 500 tickets.

Chris gives Adam an odd look.

Chris Ward: Not a big deal, huh?

Adam Hauck: I, uh, truly believe in the cause.

Chris Ward: What *was* the cause?

Adam Hauck: Something about starving orphans, or lonely chubby guys who need female attention. Something like that.

Miss Dalton: Your date is this Wednesday. She’ll pick you up here at the store at 2pm, and take you to Gravas for some lunch.

Adam Hauck: Gravas is the finest, most expensive restaurant in Ohio. This girl’s got class.

Miss Dalton: Well Kroger is footing the bill.

Katie walks over.

Miss Dalton: Hi, Katie.

Katie Collins: I heard you were back, Mindy. It’s good to see you again, kid.

Miss Dalton: Why did you just call me “kid”? I’m older than you. Plus, I’m the boss now. So I go by “Miss Dalton.”

Katie Collins: Imma need you to chill out. It’s just something I said.

Miss Dalton: Well “Imma” need *you* to treat me with a little bit of respect.

Adam Hauck: (coughs) Fight. (coughs) Wrestle it out. (coughs) I’ll get some mud. (coughs)

Miss Dalton: Adam, shut up and get back to work.

Adam Hauck: That’s right, Mindy. Put me in my place.

Miss Dalton: I’ll be going now.

Mindy walks away. Katie heads back to the restroom. Adam tags along. They walk and talk.

Adam Hauck: So, Katie, I won that contest. I’m going on a date with Jacey Johnson.

Katie Collins: Who?

Adam Hauck: Jacey Johnson. She’s a model for Kroger.

Katie Collins: Oh *that* bitch?

Adam Hauck: Don’t be jealous.

Katie Collins: I’m not jealous. I could be a model, too, if it wasn’t for one physical flaw.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, what’s that?

Katie makes it to the restroom and leans on the wall. She takes off her right shoe, followed by her right sock. She holds up her bare foot for Adam to see. He braves through the smell.

Adam Hauck: So they stink… real bad. Unless the photos you take are scratch n’ Sniff, you’ve got nothing to worry about… Kimmy Gibbler.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to shut lip and look closer.

Adam Hauck: Can you get through a single conversation without using the word “Imma”? Because I don’t think so.

Katie Collins: Look closer.

Adam looks at Katie’s bare foot. He notices something off-putting. She has six toes.

Adam Hauck: A sixth toe? That’s um… (disgusted) okay. I bet they could airbrush it, or crop it out, or something.

Katie Collins: Adam, shut up.

Adam Hauck: So *that’s* why you wore a flip-flop on one foot and a sneaker on the other at the Kroger barbeque last year. I just thought you were trying to set a fashion trend.

CUT TO: Mr. Bartlett is walking around the store. A female employee walks up to him. Miss Dalton is standing by, eavesdropping.

Employee: Mr. Bartlett… my grandma just passed away.

Mr. Bartlett: Oh no, I’m so sorry. Although it’s Kroger policy to give you three days off when a close relative dies. So, it’s sad that your grandma died, but hey, you get three days off with pay! Go you!

Mr. Bartlett was honestly trying to cheer her up. He’s just a moron - like many in this store. She cries and runs off. Bartlett gets a smile on his face.

Mr. Bartlett: (to Mindy) Awe, tears of joy, she’s shedding. I love providing the light at the end of the tunnel for sad people.

Miss Dalton: I think maybe you should stay in your office and not interact with employees or customers or people of any kind at all.

Mr. Bartlett: Oh, come on. You’re just upset that the corporate boss has set up shop here in your store.

Miss Dalton: It *is* kind of weird.

Mr. Bartlett: I admit that when I came here, it was only to fill in the gap between managers. But I’ve gotten to feel so useful being a part of the Masked Bagger story. I feel it’s important that I stay.

Miss Dalton: Just don’t get involved with the employees’ lives. Okay?

Mr. Bartlett: Whatever.

He walks away. As he does, Bernie Boswell comes up to Mindy.

Bernie Boswell: So, you still haven’t heard from Chapman? He’s not shown up to work for a week now.

Miss Dalton: No, and I’m taking it as a no call no show. He’s already been terminated.

Bernie Boswell: You’ve had him killed? You monster!

Miss Dalton: No, idiot. He’s been fired. And if I ever see him, I can tell him that.

Bernie Boswell: Look, Miss Dalton, this isn’t like Chappy. There’s gotta be something wrong with him. He wouldn’t just not show up for work.

Miss Dalton: I know he’s your best friend, but face the facts. That’s exactly what happened.

CUT TO: The freezer at the end of aisle 19 begins to grumble. Slowly a head pops up from the top. It resembles Chapman’s head. That’s because it *is* Chapman. He’s been transformed into the latest 717 super villain -- Freeze-Cepticon.

Freeze-Cepticon: (whispers) What’s going on? What’s happened to me? I’m a fre-fre-freak.

CUT TO: Ben sees Hailie in non-foods and walks over to her in hopes of getting back together.

Ben Davis: Hi, Hailie. We need to talk.

Hailie Morgan: We ain’t got nothing to talk about.

Ben Davis: I agree. We have something to talk about. You see, you used a double-negative. So by saying “ain’t got nothing,” you’re actually saying we *do* got something to talk about.

Hailie Morgan: (sighs) Watchoo want we talk about?

Ben Davis: What do you think? I wanna talk about us. I miss you.

Hailie Morgan: I miss you, too. The old you. Not this freakin’ My Little Pony lovin’ you. I need a man. Not no eight year-old little girl.

She walks away. Frustrated, Ben turns around and spots Mr. Bartlett walking by. Ben’s a desperate guy and decides to seek help from the corporate boss.

Ben Davis: Mr. Bartlett.

Mr. Bartlett: Yes, Ben.

Ben Davis: I’m a brony.

Mr. Bartlett: Brony? What’s that? Wait, is that one of those male freaks who gets turned on by that girlie cartoon about a bunch of magical ponies?

Ben Davis: Not “turned on.” We’re just super fans of the show.

Mr. Bartlett: Well, why are you telling me?

Ben Davis: Because I need help. Being a brony has cost me my relationship with Hailie.

Mr. Bartlett: Oh, so something good came of your cartoon pony fetish.

Ben Davis: No. I love her and want her back. Can you help cure me of my bronyhood?

Mr. Bartlett: Yes, I will. Why? Is it because I care? Certainly not. Is it because I consider you a friend? Hell to the no. It’s because Mindy told me not to get involved with the lives of my employees, and she’s not my boss. That’s why.

CUT TO: Wednesday afternoon. Bernie is walking around the store with Chapman on his mind.

**FLASHBACK**

Bernie Boswell and Gabe Chapman are sitting in the office. This is back when Kroger was briefly run by Bernie and the store was called Boswell’s.

Bernie Boswell: So, I never asked. Why did you join Boswellity?

Gabe Chapman: Because I want to live for hundreds of years. This world is such a special place, I don’t want to leave it anytime soon. When I read your book, and saw that Boswellity promised long life, I knew I had to check out its author. I’m not a nut job. I know it’s very unlikely you can give me a couple hundred years of added life. But I wanted to at least come by and meet you. I’m having a blast being your right hand man.

Bernie Boswell: I’ll admit I’m a pretty weird guy. Most of my life could easily be a sitcom, but Boswellity is genuine. You have no worries, Chappy. No worries at all.

Gabe Chapman: I don’t have to spend these added centuries working for you, though. Do I?

Bernie Boswell: (smiles) Well I *am* the Almighty.

They both laugh. Chapman then chants his name…

Gabe Chapman: Bernie! Bernie! Bernie!

CUT TO: Back in present day, Freeze-Cepticon is now on the loose inside the store. Bernie walks past and recognizes that it’s his friend - Gabe Chapman - turned evil.

Bernie Boswell: Chapman! What are you doing?

Freeze-Cepticon: I’m not Chapman anymore. I’m a machine now!

Bernie Boswell: You have to stop this destruction. Fight the evil. You can do it. Just reverse back to your human self… please!

Freeze-Cepticon: Come on, Almighty One. Fix me.

Bernie Boswell: I can’t.

Freeze-Cepticon: I followed you, believing you to be the messiah. You’re not. You’re a fake.

Freezer opens his left door and a TV dinner shoots out at such a fast speed that when it strikes Bernie’s head, it knocks him out. The villain scoops him up, and places him inside the middle freezer door.

CUT TO: Adam is on his date with Jacey at the restaurant called Gravas.

Adam Hauck: So, how long have you been with Kroger?

Jacey Johnson: Three years. The first as a bagger and the other two as the store model.

Adam Hauck: (jokingly) I could have been a male model for Kroger but apparently I’m repulsive to look at, so that kind of works against me.

She laughs.

Jacey Johnson: Well, it’s not all roses being considered beautiful. I get hit on by all the creeps, and yet the attractive guys are intimidated by my looks. And you wouldn’t believe how many unsolicited dick pics I get in a week.

Adam Hauck: You wouldn’t believe how many unsolicited dick pics I send out in a week. Just kidding. I don’t do that. I guess I’ve been hanging around Mr. Bartlett too much. His personality is affecting my sense of humor. Not to say that I’m some innocent kid. I mean, I’m a grown man.

Suddenly, Adam’s watch plays the “Power Rangers” jingle.

Adam Hauck: Um, excuse me. I have to go… talk to Zordon.

Jacey Johnson: That’s weird, but okay.

He gets up and walks towards the restroom. He looks at his watch. Mindy Dalton’s image appears on the screen.

Adam Hauck: What’s up, Mindy? This better be good. I’m still on my date with Jacey.

Miss Dalton: We need you to come back to the store.

Adam Hauck: No.

Miss Dalton: Seriously. A new super villain is on a rampage.

Adam Hauck: Can’t Chris handle it?

Miss Dalton: He’s still in school. Adam, your number one duty is to protect the store. Now get back here!

Adam Hauck: (angry) Fine!

Adam walks back to the table. Jacey looks so beautiful, and he’s not willing to give up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity just yet.

Adam Hauck: Say, why don’t we move this date somewhere else?

Jacey Johnson: Gravas is the finest, most expensive restaurant in Ohio and it’s free to you. Where could you possibly want to go?

Adam Hauck: Kroger.

Jacey Johnson: Kroger? Why?

Adam Hauck: This place just doesn’t serve what I want.

Jacey Johnson: I’m sure they serve whatever you want.

Adam Hauck: Oh, yeah? Do they serve the deli’s popcorn chicken and mac & cheese? I think not. Let’s go!

They get up and leave the restaurant.

CUT TO: Ben and Mr. Bartlett are in Bartlett’s office - now located inside 717.

Mr. Bartlett: Do you like “My Little Pony”?

Ben Davis: Yes.

Mr. Bartlett slaps Ben across the face.

Mr. Bartlett: Do you still like “My Little Pony”?

Ben Davis: Yes.

Mr. Bartlett slaps Ben across the face again.

Mr. Bartlett: Do you still like “My Little Pony”?

Ben Davis: No.

Mr. Bartlett slaps Ben across the face again.

Ben Davis: Hey! What was THAT for?

Mr. Bartlett: For lying to me. Now, I’m going to ask you again. Do you still like “My Little Pony”?

Ben gets nervous as he answers…

Ben Davis: Yes.

Mr. Bartlett slaps Ben across the face.

CUT TO: Adam and Jacey have a table in the break room at Kroger with deli food in front of them.

Adam Hauck: Before we continue, I have to go to the bathroom. Your, uh, beauty is giving me a nervous stomach.

Jacey Johnson: I understand. It happens all the time.

Adam leaves the break room, and as he’s going down the stairs, he presses his belt buckle, which morphs him into the Masked Bagger! He heads over to the freezer section, but doesn’t spot anyone. He does, however, see the destruction caused by a villain on a rampage. As Masked Bagger is facing the photo lab, the freezer behind him slowly stands up as legs form under it and arms come out of its sides. The head pops up. Freeze-Cepticon is back, with a still unconscious Bernie inside. Just as he’s about to stomp on the store’s precious, some say handsome hero, Bagger turns around and jumps out of the way.

Masked Bagger: Whoa. Who are you?

Freeze-Cepticon: Freeze-Cepticon.

Masked Bagger: How do you villains decide on your names?

Freeze-Cepticon: That’s the least of your concerns. I’ve got Boswell trapped. He’s going to freeze to death.

Masked Bagger: Well, there’s a simple solution. Let him out.

Freeze-Cepticon: I’m thinking no. I’m also thinking *you* need to be inside of me.

Masked Bagger: Are you coming on to me? Because I’m flattered, but it just wouldn’t work out. And if you’re not coming on to me… I’d seriously rephrase that last sentence!

Freeze-Cepticon: Let’s get it on!

Masked Bagger: Again, are you hitting on me?

Freeze-Cepticon: Get over yourself and fight!

A battle begins which consists of Freeze-Cepticon shooting frozen foods out of his doors and Masked Bagger dodging the ones he can. There’s not much for him to fight back with.

CUT TO: Mr. Bartlett and Ben are still in Bartlett’s office. Two TV’s are set up, and Ben is handcuffed to a chair.

Ben Davis: This seems a little drastic.

Mr. Bartlett: I assure you, it’s not. Now on one TV , we have an episode of “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.” On the other TV, we have cancer and its affects on people. You are to watch both simultaneously. Afterwards, whenever you think of the pony show, you’ll think of slow, sad death.

Ben Davis: This is a horrible idea.

Mr. Bartlett: And yet you have no choice.

CUT TO: The fight between hero and villain continues until Freeze-Cepticon punches the 717 Guardian, sending him into the deli. This reminds Adam… his date! Bagger sneaks out the side when no one is looking and morphs back into Adam Hauck, and returns to Jacey.

Jacey Johnson: You’re back.

Adam Hauck: Yep. Now let’s get on with this date.

Jacey Johnson: Great.

Adam Hauck: So, uh, are you a natural purple head?

Jacey Johnson: It’s raspberry, and no.

Adam Hauck: I was just trying to be funny.

Jacey Johnson: I know. It was a decent attempt.

Adam Hauck: (nervous) Thank you.

Adam tries to think of things to talk about.

Adam Hauck: You know it occurred to me that you and I both have things to brag about.

Jacey Johnson: Really? Have you toured the country?

Adam Hauck: No.

Jacey Johnson: Have you been proposed to by royalty?

Adam Hauck: No.

Jacey Johnson: Have you…

Adam Hauck: (interrupts) No, okay. But yesterday, I was cutting a pizza and was about to cut right through a pepperoni, but was able to maneuver around it. I hate cutting through the pepperonis, so I was very proud of myself.

Jacey Johnson: (insincere) That’s amazing.

Deciding it’s time to return to the fight, Adam says…

Adam Hauck: Oh, crap. I just realized the deli didn’t give me any dipping sauce for my popcorn chicken. I’ll be right back.

CUT TO: Our masked hero returns to the fight scene where the evil freezer case is standing.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry this happened to you, Chapman.

Freeze-Cepticon: Save your sorrys. Fix me or fight me.

Masked Bagger: I don’t know how to fix you. But I swear I’ll do what I can… to my dying day.

Freeze-Cepticon: Not good enough.

Masked Bagger: You know what? I’ve had enough of this. It’s time to put you on defrost mode! Which I don’t know if you’re aware or not, but that was a threat. Time to take this up a notch.

Masked Bagger gets out his boom box and turns on the song “Uptown Funk.” The 717 Guardian begins to dance to the music, showing just how white he is. Assuming fight moves will come to him, Bagger keeps it up, but after a few minutes, he realizes it’s not gonna happen, and that he just looks foolish. So, he turns the music off and heads back to Jacey.

(Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson, featuring Bruno Mars https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1F0...y-N4NF95tr-YhQ)

CUT TO: Adam returns to the break room. Jacey is sitting there patiently. She notices he’s without the dipping sauce.

Jacey Johnson: Where’s your dipping sauce?

Adam Hauck: I don’t use any dipping sauce.

Jacey Johnson: But you left to go get some.

Realizing he screwed up, Adam decides to just act crazy.

Adam Hauck: No, I’m pretty sure I left to go get some dipping sauce.

Jacey Johnson: That’s what I said. Where is it?

Adam Hauck: Where is what?

Jacey Johnson: The dipping sauce.

Adam Hauck: I don’t use dipping sauce. You’re so silly.

Jacey Johnson: (aggravated) Whatever!

Adam Hauck: So, what should we talk about?

CUT TO: It’s time for another round of slaps for Bartlett and Ben, still inside the office.

Mr. Bartlett: Do you like “My Little Pony”?

Ben Davis: Yes.

Mr. Bartlett slaps Ben across the face.

Mr. Bartlett: Do you still like “My Little Pony”?

Ben Davis: (unsure) Yes.

Bartlett slaps Ben once more.

Mr. Bartlett: Do you still like “My Little Pony”?

Ben Davis: (pauses) No.

Bartlett is about to strike Ben, but doesn’t.

Mr. Bartlett: I believe you.

They both laugh a laugh of relief.

Mr. Bartlett: Ha-ha, I believe you!

It’s over. Mission accomplished. They continue laughing and then hug.

Ben Davis: I’m cured! I’m cured!

CUT TO: The break room. Adam and Jacey are continuing their date.

Adam Hauck: You know, in chatting with you, I realize we have nothing in common.

Jacey Johnson: Yeah, besides being employed by Kroger - nothing.

Adam slyly texts Mindy to page him on the intercom. A few seconds later, there’s a page on the intercom.

Mindy on Intercom: Adam Hauck to the front. Adam Hauck to the front.

Adam Hauck: (faking anger) Oh, darn it! They can’t do anything without me down there. Excuse me. I’ll be back.

He leaves. Jacey is upset that Adam keeps leaving her. She decides to go downstairs and find out what he’s up to. As she walks past the freezer aisles, Freeze-Cepticon spots her, grabs her, and throws her inside the middle door where a very cold Bernie is sitting. She’s trapped, and needless to say, it’s quite chilly in there.

Bernie Boswell: I think we should huddle together for warmth.

Jacey Johnson: I’m good.

Bernie Boswell: Well in that case…

Bernie continues shivering. Masked Bagger noticed Jacey inside Freeze-Cepticon and ejects a cart strap from his sleeve. It attaches itself to the door handle. Our precious hero does his best to climb up the strap, but the frozen baddie opens the left door and shoots out a pizza, which hits Bagger, knocking him to the floor.

Masked Bagger: (to himself) Betrayed by the thing I love most… pizza!

CUT TO: Chris enters the store. Mindy is waiting up front for him, and alerts him of the fight. He goes to the bagger’s closet and comes out as Cart-Boy. Wheels pop out of the sides of his shoes and he skates through the front end, back to the freezer aisles, where the fight is taking place.

Cart-Boy: Have no fear. Cart-Boy is here!

Masked Bagger: It’s about time.

Cart-Boy: So, what’s going on?

Masked Bagger: Um, isn’t it obvious? Gabe Chapman turned into a giant freezer and he’s attacking the store. Oh yeah, and he’s got Jacey Johnson. Looks like you get to meet her after all. If we can save her.

Cart-Boy: This is awesome! I mean, sucks about Chapman, but how are we gonna get this guy?

Masked Bagger: I literally have no clue.

Cart-Boy: Did you try your bag-gun yet?

Masked Bagger: No. He’s way too big to be captured by the bag-gun.

A customer walks up to the duo, looking frustrated.

Customer: Excuse me. I want a Banquet TV dinner and it’s inside that walking freezer.

Masked Bagger: Sorry, I can’t get it for you right now, sir.

Customer: (ticked off) Well in that case, you’ve just lost my business. I’m going to Wal-Mart - where they don't have walk-around freezers! That's ridiculous!

The customer leaves, presumably to go to Wal-Mart. Mindy enters the scene with a special kind of gun.

Masked Bagger: What’s that, Mindy?

Miss Dalton: This is how you capture Chapman. Shoot him with this and it will paralyze him for good.

Cart-Boy: Uh, wait. Isn’t that kinda cruel?

Miss Dalton: He’ll be in a comatose state. He’ll never know what’s happening to him.

Masked Bagger: And how did you get so smart?

Miss Dalton: I’m not. I got this invention from a friend. But trust me, it works.

Adam Hauck: Wait, what friend?

Miss Dalton: We’ll talk about him later. For now, just trust me.

She hands Bagger the gun. Freeze-Cepticon runs towards the heroes, ready to take them all out. The 717 Guardian pulls the trigger and an electrified beam exits the gun and stuns the freezer. He falls backwards, crashing loudly onto the floor. He’s passed out. Both captives are unharmed. Cart-Boy runs over to the freezer and opens the middle door. He helps Jacey out.

Cart-Boy: Miss Johnson, it is an honor to meet you. Are you okay?

Jacey Johnson: Thank you. I’m just a tad cold right now.

Cart-Boy: Of course. Let me get you a blanket. (screams) Someone bring me a blanket!!!

CUT TO: Adam returns to Jacey to conclude their date.

Adam Hauck: Hi. Sorry about… everything.

Jacey Johnson: I have a feeling you’ve been trying to avoid me all day. I don’t get it. What did I do wrong?

Adam Hauck: Are you kidding? Nothing. You’ve been great. I’m sorry I’ve been elsewhere for most of our date. You don’t know how sorry.

Jacey Johnson: It’s okay. I’m just glad to know you like me.

Adam Hauck: I do. So, is there any chance of lovemaking?

Jacey Johnson: Ewwe! You’re forty!

Adam Hauck: I’m thirty-four!

Jacey Johnson: So, I rounded up.

Adam Hauck: Well round down. I’m closer to thirty than forty.

Jacey Johnson: But you’re past thirty and headed for forty. I’m not into looking to the past, but rather soaring into the future.

Adam Hauck: Well I’m not quite ready to soar just yet.

CUT TO: Ben and Hailie are inside Ben’s room. It no longer has a “My Little Pony” set up. It looks like a grown man’s room now. Hailie is pleased… or in her language, Hailie be pleased.

Hailie Morgan: You be a man again. Good.

Ben Davis: So, we’re back together?

Hailie Morgan: Yeah.

Ben Davis: Great! We’ll never be apart again, my love.

Hailie Morgan: Cool. Man, I be thinking about that dang show and those stupid ponies who got idiotic names like Pinky-Toe and Rare-ass-ity. I’m weak!

She laughs but Ben is not amused. In fact, he’s outraged.

Ben Davis: That’s Pinkie Pie and Rarity. Get out!

Hailie Morgan: What?

Ben Davis: I said get out. I’m choosing the ponies over you. Now, don’t let the door hit your flat ass on the way out.

She leaves. Ben goes over to his closet, opens the door and takes out a couple of his pony toys. He breathes a sigh of relief. He made the right choice.

Ben Davis: Reunited and it feels so good.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE 33. Cutter's Revenge

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Miss Mindy Dalton
Mr. Brad Bartlett
Ben Davis
Hailie Morgan
Bernie Boswell

Guest Starring:
Cutter Magee [pictured below]
Masked Beggar [pictured below]

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #33. Cutter’s Revenge

Originally released on July 17th, 2016

Here Now, The Story…

It’s morning and Adam walks into 717. Mr. Bartlett is up front and greets our mask-less hero.

Mr. Bartlett: Good morning, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Morning, Bartlett.

Mr. Bartlett: So, how are you today?

Adam Hauck: Not good. I have a pounding headache that just will not go away. I should be fine as long as nothing upsetting happens today.

CUT TO: An empty prison cell in the basement lab. The name on the cell door --- Cutter Magee!!! Hiding out in a secret location, the box cutter villain is flashing back to a horrible day.

LATE JULY, 2015:
Cutter and his brother Scraper are battling Masked Bagger on the roof of Kroger. Scraper rides his motorized cart with plans to knock off the Bagger. However, the 717 Guardian jumps out of the way, causing Scraper to go over the edge of the roof and fall to his death. Suddenly, we’re back to July 2016.

Cutter Magee: Your days are numbered, Masked Bagger. I’m going to avenge my brother by killing you. But first I shall kill someone close to you. But before all of that, I shall sit here and announce my intentions to myself, then laugh maniacally, hahahahahaha!!!!!

CUT TO: Adam is bagging groceries, after all, despite defending the store on an almost monthly basis, he’s still one of the baggers. Miss Dalton walks up to him.

Miss Dalton: Adam, when you get a chance, I have to talk to you.

Adam Hauck: I’ve got time now. Let’s chat.

Miss Dalton: You’re in the middle of bagging an order.

Adam Hauck: I’m willing to stop just for you.

Miss Dalton: No. Once Chris comes in, come to my office. We can talk then.

Adam Hauck: Is it serious?

Miss Dalton: I don’t know about serious, but it’s some interesting information I’ve been keeping from you for over a month.

Adam Hauck: How can you say that and then expect me to wait?

Mindy walks away. A few minutes later, Chris enters the store. He spots Adam and walks over to him.

Chris Ward: Adam, I have some great news.

Adam Hauck: Me, too. Now that you’re here, I can go to Mindy’s office for a nice chat.

Chris Ward: My news is better.

Adam Hauck: I’ll be the judge of that.

Chris Ward: I’m getting married!

Adam Hauck: The F you are!

Chris Ward: Come on, man. You’re an adult. Say the actual word.

Adam Hauck: Forget that. What are you talking about?

Chris Ward: Now that it’s the summer, Rachel and I have been hanging out a lot. Last night I popped the question and she said yes. Isn’t that great?

Adam Hauck: Are you insane?

Chris Ward: Not clinically, no.

Adam Hauck: You’re too young to even *think* about marriage.

Chris Ward: No, I’m not.

Adam Hauck: Come on. I didn’t get my first girlfriend until I was… well, I *still* haven’t had my first girlfriend.

Chris Ward: So, you want me to end up like you --- old and alone?

Adam Hauck: You make it seem like I’m ancient. I still have time to get married and be a grandfather even.

Chris Ward: You’d better get on that.

Adam Hauck: Look, you can’t get married. You’re only sixteen.

Chris Ward: I’m seventeen.

Adam Hauck: Then we’re agreed, you’re not eighteen, which would be the magic age for you to get married.

Chris Ward: What do you care?

Adam Hauck: I’m thinking of your mom. I’m sure she’d be against this, and since she’s not here anymore, I have to speak for her.

Chris Ward: The plan is for when I turn 18. That’s next year. She turns 18 a few months after me. We’ll both be official adults then. Okay, Adam?

Adam Hauck: Legally I can’t stop you. But why the rush?

Chris Ward: Rachel and I are in love, and life is short. If there’s anything I can take away from my mom’s death is that life is short. I risk my life everyday. Who knows when one of these freaky villains is actually going to kill me?

CUT TO: Ben and Hailie walk into the break room. Bernie has the place set up like a church and he’s standing behind the pulpit.

Ben Davis: What’s going on here, Bernie? Why’d you want to see us?

Bernie Boswell: What, no Chris?

Hailie Morgan: He be downstairs, bagging.

Bernie Boswell: How about Bartlett?

Ben Davis: He’ll be up in a few minutes. He was in a meeting.

Bernie Boswell: Well then, let’s begin. Back in August of 2013, I founded the religion called Boswellity. No one has ever taken it seriously. No one except for Gabe Chapman -- my only follower.

Ben Davis: I’m sorry about Chappy. I miss him, too.

Bernie Boswell: Please don’t interrupt. Now, what I was about to say is that it’s time for you guys to take Boswellity seriously.

Hailie Morgan: How we be do that?

Ben Davis: We have GOT to teach this woman how to speak properly!

Hailie Morgan: Shut up. You ain’t getta be mean to me no more. We ain’t no couple.

Ben Davis: And I’ve never been happier.

Hailie looks hurt.

Bernie Boswell: You two have been arguing for over a month now. Shut up! This is about me and what I am going to offer you!

CUT TO: Adam enters Miss Dalton’s office.

Adam Hauck: (to himself) My headache is worse. (to Mindy) I’m here. What’s going on?

Miss Dalton: I needed to talk to you about my friend.

Adam Hauck: Friend?

Miss Dalton: Yes. You remember back in May when a friend of mine invented a gun that took out Freeze-Cepticon?

Adam Hauck: Of course, and you wouldn’t tell me who it is.

Miss Dalton: I feel it’s time.

Adam Hauck: Good. Who is this mysterious scientist friend of yours?

Miss Dalton: I don’t want you to get mad.

Adam Hauck: Why would I get mad?

Miss Dalton: It’s someone you don’t like.

Adam Hauck: Wait, I know this person? Tell me.

Miss Dalton: Adam Hauck.

Adam Hauck: Yes?

Miss Dalton: It’s Adam Hauck.

Adam Hauck: I don’t get it. It’s me? Do I black out, invent things and then black in, or whatever the term for coming to would be?

Miss Dalton: I said it’s someone you don’t like.

Adam Hauck: I have a low self-esteem.

Miss Dalton: No, it’s not you. It’s the person I believe you refer to as “Adam III.”

Adam Hauck: The Masked Beggar? But he’s a super villain!

Miss Dalton: Yeah, he needs to talk to you about that.

CUT TO: Adam is in his Masked Bagger outfit and he and Mindy are in the basement lab.

Miss Dalton: Adam, there’s no need to wear your outfit. He knows your true identity. He’s an alternate version of you, after all.

Masked Bagger: Please don’t tell me when or when not to wear my outfit. I have something called free will, and I’m expressing that right now by wearing what I want.

Miss Dalton: Fine.

They get to the cell. She opens the door and both of them go inside. The Masked Beggar is sitting there.

Masked Beggar: I’m so glad you would speak to me. First off, let me tell you that you do a great job taking care of the super villains.

Masked Bagger: Cut to the chase. What’s this about?

Masked Beggar: I’m no longer evil.

Masked Bagger: How is that possible?

Masked Beggar: You know that every person has some percentage of evil inside them. Even if it’s just one percent. Kroger Devil cranks that percentage up along with giving super powers to create a Kroger 717 super villain.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, I know.

Masked Beggar: I’m a genius. Now I’m not bragging about it. Just stating a fact. I’m so smart, that I have been able to - overtime - use my mind to control the evil. To put it in its place. I have taken it back down to the original percentage. Hence, I’m not a bad guy anymore.

Masked Bagger: But your appearance. You still look the same.

Masked Beggar: Yes, well I am unable to do anything about that. What I *can* control is what’s inside. The outside is still presented by the Kroger Devil. So, I have this mask that I cannot remove from my face and this beard that I cannot shave off. It’s all part of the evil appearance Kroger Devil gave me.

Miss Dalton: I kinda like it.

Masked Beggar: Thanks, babe.

Masked Bagger: “Babe”? Are you two back together?

Miss Dalton: Of course, we are. We came to this Earth level together and we will one day leave it together.

Masked Bagger: You’re nuts! Everybody here is nuts! This guy tried to choke you to death. Have you forgotten that? He wanted you dead!

Miss Dalton: No relationship is perfect.

CUT TO: The front end. Cutter Magee rides by on his hand-jack. Chris notices and heads to the bagger’s closet. He makes a transformation and comes out as Cart-Boy. Wheels pop out of his shoes, and he skates along, following the green baddie.

Cart-Boy: Stop in the name of the law!

Cutter Magee: You’re not a cop!

Cart-Boy: No, but I’m the law around here.

Cutter Magee: You’re just some lame teenage sidekick. You’re pathetic. A real loser!

Cart-Boy: Oh yeah!?!

This gets Cart-Boy furious, just as the villain was hoping for. He chases Cutter Magee throughout the store. They end up headed for the back dock. Once Cutter makes it through the doors, he jumps off his jack and waits by the door. When Cart-Boy comes through, Cutter trips him, causing the hero to fall on his face. Magee takes this opportunity to tie him up.

CUT TO: Back in the basement lab. Masked Bagger, Masked Beggar and Miss Dalton are still chatting.

Masked Bagger: What do you want, Beggar? Freedom? I can’t do that. You’re still classified as a super villain.

Masked Beggar: I understand you don’t want to let me out of my cell. I just want you to know that I’m good now and willing to help you out in your fight against evil. You’re in need of a new scientist buddy and I can serve that purpose.

Masked Bagger: Not you.

Masked Beggar: Then who? How many scientists do you know?

Masked Bagger: Hmm. (snaps fingers) Hey, what about your friend, Mindy? The one who made the gun that stabilized Freeze-Cepticon, and as I say this, I realize Beggar’s that friend. Damn.

Masked Beggar: Come on. What do you have to lose?

Masked Bagger: If you’re lying… everything.

Masked Beggar: But if I’m telling the truth, I can be a huge asset to your battle against the Kroger Devil. We both want him dead. He killed your friend and turns co-workers into super villains. Look what he did to me. I want him dead, too. We’re on the same side, Bagger. We have the same goal.

Masked Bagger: So, what do you want from me?

Masked Beggar: I know I can’t be allowed upstairs, but if I can have free range down here in the basement, I could work on inventions and help you out.

Masked Bagger: Mindy’s responsible for you. If you do anything to cause me to lose trust in you, it’s on her. And I know you wouldn’t want anything to happen to her. Correct?

Masked Beggar: That’s correct. But you don’t have to worry. Mindy showed me something that I can wear around my ankle. If I go too far up the stairs, it will shock me… real bad.

Miss Dalton: Yes, I found it when I was rummaging around here last week looking for my, uh, okay, I was just snooping.

CUT TO: Back to Bernie, Ben and Hailie, who are now joined by Mr. Bartlett in the break room.

Bernie Boswell: I am not your normal human being.

Ben Davis: That might be the first thing we’ve ever agreed on.

Bernie Boswell: The reason I started Boswellity was because I wanted attention. I admit that. Originally, I was a fraud. No one took the time to pay any attention to what my religion was about, so it could have been about anything. But regardless of what it is, you all just mock me for it.

Mr. Bartlett: To be fair, you’re a pretty mock-able guy.

Bernie Boswell: I used to say I couldn’t die. However, that was a lie. At least at the time I was just making it up. Until I had my near death experience. Hailie, you’ll remember that time Pineapple-Man stabbed me and I almost died.

Hailie Morgan: Why would I remember?

Bernie Boswell: Because you were hot for the guy who did it. You even dressed up as the Pineapple-Princess to get with him. “Press it” as you call it.

Ben laughs. That ticks Hailie off.

Bernie Boswell: Anyways, my father, who’s an inventor slash scientist, injected me with a serum to prevent me from dying from anything other than old age when the serum eventually wears off, which should be in a few hundred years.

Hailie Morgan: He be whacked out his mind!

Bernie Boswell: He “be” a great man, who just happens to use me as a guinea pig for his experiments from time to time, which now that I say that out loud, I realize he’s not a very good father.

Ben Davis: No, I’d say not.

Bernie Boswell: Anyways, this one worked. I will continue to look twenty-one years old forever. And so Boswellity became about living for hundreds of years. Chapman was my only follower. I even injected him with some of my blood, so he too, would live a super long life and be free of disease. Who knew he’d turn into a damned super villain though?

Hailie Morgan: Wait a second. What be this offer you have for us?

Bernie Boswell: I’ll inject some of my blood into you. You’ll look whatever age you are now, for the rest of your life and you’ll live a couple hundred years. I mean, you know, if it works. You may need the actual serum, but my dad has it locked up and he won’t let me touch it.

Mr. Bartlett: I have a question.

Bernie Boswell: What?

Mr. Bartlett: How does Kroger let such an unstable person work at the store? You have severe issues, and it used to be funny but now it’s just sad. I’m going to call in Dr. Whetstone to have some sessions with you -- and yes, I’m allowing shock treatment. And not only that, but I kind of want to be there when it happens.

Ben Davis: Oh come on, Mr. Bartlett. Bernie’s just upset because his best friend has gone to the dark side. He doesn’t believe a word he’s saying. Let’s just play along.

Bernie Boswell: I will prove to you that what I’m saying is the truth. I will jump off the roof of this building and survive.

CUT TO: Cart-Boy is tied up to a pole in the back dock hallway. Cutter walks over to him.

Cutter Magee: Are you and Masked Bagger like brothers?

Cart-Boy: He acts like he’s my older brother sometimes.

Cutter Magee: So, he would be devastated if you died?

Cart-Boy: I’m starting to think so, yes. The more I think about it, the more I realize he *does* care about me. Wow, what a good feeling.

Cutter Magee: This is a great feeling because after I kill you, Bagger will be heart broken.

Cart-Boy: Wait, what? Did you say “Masked Bagger”? I thought you said “Nasty Bagger,” referring to that gross kid who bags groceries and stinks to high hell. We all call him the “nasty bagger.” But what can I say? He cares for me. Masked Bagger, however, cares nothing for me.

Cutter Magee: No, no. Masked Bagger cares for you. Why wouldn’t he? You’re a nice kid and a great sidekick and a good friend.

Cart-Boy: (touched) Hey thanks.

Cutter Magee: Alright. Time to get Masked Bagger so I can kill you in front of him.

Cart-Boy: Your compliments come with a sting, don’t they?

CUT TO: Adam and Mindy are in the manager’s office.

Adam Hauck: I hope I’m not making a mistake.

Miss Dalton: Relax, Adam. Everything will be fine. He’s good now.

Adam Hauck: I don’t care how good he is. I just don’t like the guy.

Miss Dalton: Why not? He’s you.

Adam Hauck: He’s me, but better. He’s a genius who was able to get you to fall in love with him. I’m a superhero and I can’t get any women to fall in love with me. I’d even settle for lust.

Miss Dalton: Oh, come on.

Adam Hauck: It was one thing when he was a bad guy, but now he’s good again and apparently you *like* the shabby way he looks. So, how is he not better than me?

Miss Dalton: It’s not about being better. You were both born the same but made different choices in life.

Adam Hauck: So, I’m a genius, too?

Miss Dalton: No, of course not. But you could have been if you’d paid attention in school and worked on science projects on the weekends instead of watching reruns of “I Love Lucy.”

Adam Hauck: I regret nothing.

Suddenly, there’s a page on the intercom from Cutter Magee.

Cutter Magee on Intercom: Masked Bagger to the back dock. Masked Bagger to the back dock.

Adam Hauck: That sounds like Cutter Magee!

He presses his belt buckle, morphing into Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Time to go to work.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger marches to the back dock and pushes open the doors. He spots Cart-Boy at the end of the hallway, tied up.

Masked Bagger: Cutter Magee? Where are you?

Cutter appears.

Cutter Magee: Right here. I’ve got your buddy all tied up.

Masked Bagger: I had no idea you were into bondage, but I should let you know that he’s a minor, so any kinky stuff will land you in prison… and I’m not talking the Kroger basement prison, either.

Cutter Magee: Always being funny. I suppose you thought it was a hoot when you killed my brother!

Masked Bagger: I didn’t kill Scraper. I just didn’t stand there and let him kill me.

Cutter Magee: He was my BROTHER! Do you know what it’s like to lose a brother?

Masked Bagger: Not a biological brother, but a brother-in-arms.

Cutter Magee: Well, get ready to go through that pain all over again as I kill Cart-Boy in front of your very own eyes.

Masked Bagger quickly takes out his bag-gun… a little too quickly and he drops it. You didn’t expect him to successfully bag the villain right away, did you?

Cutter Magee: (laughs) You really are a funny one!

Masked Bagger: (sarcastically) Hey, thanks!

The 717 Guardian bends over to pick the bag-gun up when Cutter knees him in the head and takes out his box cutter. He’s about to take a swipe across our hero’s masculine chest, but Bagger grabs his arm with one hand, and punches him in the stomach with the other.

Masked Bagger: I got some pretty sweet moves!

Cutter Magee: You got kicked in the face, then blocked an attack and punched me. Let’s not act like you’re a master of fights.

Masked Bagger: Well okay, but I am winning *this* fight.

Cutter Magee: You are NOT winning this fight!

Cart-Boy: (from a distance) Well YOU’RE not winning it, Cutter!

Cutter Magee: I knew I should have put some duct tape over his mouth, but I was hoping to hear him beg for his life moments before I kill him.

Masked Bagger: There will be no killing here today. Cart-Boy wasn’t even active when Scraper died. Why take it out on him?

Cutter Magee: Because he’s your sidekick. I want to see you lose someone special to you before I end your life, too.

Masked Bagger: (laughs) And you chose *him*? Come on, I can’t stand the teenage twerp. He causes headaches. He’s inconsiderate. He’s selfish. He’s annoying.

Cart-Boy: (from a distance) Is there any way you could kill Masked Bagger before killing me? I wouldn’t mind seeing that before I go!

Cutter Magee: Don’t believe what he’s saying for one second. He’s trying to get me to change my mind about killing you by making me believe he doesn’t care about you. But he does.

Cart-Boy: (from a distance) Bagger, is that true?

Masked Bagger: No, of course it’s not true. I hate you. In fact, if I had it in me to kill people, I’d shove Cutter out of the way and kill you myself.

Cart-Boy: (from a distance) You douche bag!

Of course Masked Bagger was lying. Over the months of working with Chris Ward, he’s begun to think of him as a kid brother. He’s just hoping he can convince Cutter Magee that it’s not true.

Cutter Magee: This reminds me of all my wonderful chats with Scraper. He always bullied me and made me feel like I was a dummy. I hated that about him. He made me feel like a nobody sometimes.

Cart-Boy: (from a distance) Yeah, looks like he’s literally a *nobody* right now!

Cutter Magee: (furious) That is my brother you’re talking about!

Masked Bagger: Forget Cart-Boy. He’s a teenager. Teens say stupid, inappropriate things sometimes. I remember at my uncle’s funeral when I was 14, I went up to speak about him and began roasting him.

Cutter Magee: You had a lighter with you?

Masked Bagger: No, roasting him like the Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts. I’ve never seen a full episode, but the infomercials always looked funny to me.

Cutter Magee: Oh well, then your story is less awesome.

Masked Bagger: Sorry I’m not evil like you.

Cutter Magee: Okay, chit-chat over. Time to kill.

Masked Bagger: You mean it’s time to get put in a big brown plastic Kroger bag.

Our hero runs over and picks up the bag-gun, he aims it at Cutter, who throws a box cutter at him. Bagger jumps out of the way and while he’s distracted, Magee gets back on his jack and - at full force - rams into the 717 Guardian, causing him to fly in the air and land on his back, of course dropping the bag-gun in the process.

Cutter Magee: Just lay there and watch as your teenage buddy is impaled. And just remember it’s all because you let Scraper die. THIS is the price you pay for your actions last year!

Cutter takes out a long, sharp sword and attaches it to the front of his hand-jack. Bagger starts to get up but Magee kicks him in the face, keeping him down.

Cart-Boy: (from a distance) I’m feeling weird. I’m feeling… possessed!

Cutter Magee: Say what?

The teen hero had to think fast and pretend to be possessed by the late Scraper Magee.

Cart-Boy: (from a distance) I am (clears throat) Scraper. Your brother. Please don’t take this innocent life because of me. Return to your cell and make me proud by being the best person you can be. (clears throat) Possession over.

Cutter Magee: Scrapes, it’s actually you. I *will* be the best person I can be… for you, brother.

Cart-Boy: (relieved) Oh good.

Cutter Magee: Of course, even the *best* person I can be is still a murderous, vindictive, s.o.b. So, back to killing the kid.

Masked Bagger watches as Cutter Magee takes off on his hand-jack. He grabs the bag-gun off the floor, gets up and chases after the baddie, but he isn’t fast enough. Cart-Boy is standing there, wincing, with the knowledge he’s about to be impaled. So yeah, it’s a pretty serious situation.

Cutter Magee: You die now!!!

Just before the sword reaches the Cart-Boy’s chest, the hand-jack stops suddenly. Cutter looks embarrassed. There was a little sliver of wood on the floor, and as anyone who’s ever pulled a hand-jack knows, those will stop one on the spot.

Cutter Magee: (embarrassed) Okay, so you won’t die *now*, but pretty soon.

Masked Bagger runs over and punches Cutter in the face, causing him to fall to the floor. Our precious hero takes his bag-gun and shoots the villain with it, capturing him in a big Kroger bag.

Masked Bagger: Let me get my own box cutter and get you out of those ropes, Carts.

Cart-Boy: Thanks, Masked Bagger.

Bagger cuts Cart-Boy free.

Cart-Boy: You see what I saying earlier about life being short? This is why I have to marry Rachel before I’m, you know, dead.

Masked Bagger: I don’t know. Bernie’s married to a dead woman, and they seem to be doing fine.

CUT TO: The roof of Kroger. Bernie is up there along with Mr. Bartlett, Ben and Hailie.

Ben Davis: Okay, we’re up here, Bernie. But let’s go. I’m having flashbacks from last year when Hailie and I were up here with those insane Magee brothers.

Bernie Boswell: To prove I can survive anything and will live for hundreds of years, I shall jump off the roof of this building and be fine.

Mr. Bartlett: You go guy.

Not believing that Bernie will actually go through with it, Bartlett, Ben and Hailie stand by without trying to stop him. Bernie peeks over the edge and looks down. It would be instant death -- just like it was for Scraper, a year prior.

Bernie Boswell: This one’s for you, Chappy. Thanks for believing in me, up until you didn’t anymore.

Bernie takes a deep breath and jumps off the roof. He falls through the air and hits the ground.

CUT TO: A deceased Bernie Boswell inside his casket in a funeral parlor. There’s a room full of mourners. However, none of them are familiar to you the reader. That’s because everybody who worked for Kroger in 2016 has been dead for many years. For you see, Bernie’s funeral is in the year 2275!

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #34. A Witch, a Hood-Rat & a Future Girl

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Miss Mindy Dalton
Mr. Brad Bartlett
Ben Davis
Hailie Morgan
Bernie Boswell

Guest Starring:
Becca the Bakery Witch [pictured below]
Maitland Collins [pictured below]
Masked Beggar
Austin Slaughter [pictured below]
Bill Boswell [pictured below]
Agent Jensen [pictured below]

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #34. A Witch, a Hood-Rat & a Future Girl

Originally released on September 19th, 2016

And Now The Story…

Mr. Bartlett enters the store. There to greet him is Bernie Boswell, sitting in a wheelchair, wearing a full body cast. He survived the jump off the roof, but didn’t think about the fact that the impact would still break every bone in his body. Rather than given time off, however, he was told to be a greeter.

Bernie Boswell: Welcome to Kroger.

Mr. Bartlett: Thanks, Bernie, and how are you doing today?

Bernie Boswell: Okay. The cast comes off tomorrow.

Mr. Bartlett: That’s great news, because to be honest, I feel bad seeing you like this.

Bernie Boswell: Thanks, sir. I feel bad being in this condition.

Mr. Bartlett: Well maybe next time you won’t jump off a roof to prove a point. What if you’d have been wrong?

Bernie Boswell: Then my spirit would be forced to be a greeter right now instead of my broken body.

Mr. Bartlett: You got it.

CUT TO: Adam is in the break room by himself. He’s feeling down that he’s thirty-four and still doesn’t have a girlfriend.

Adam Hauck: Please God, I know I ask for a lot, so it shouldn’t surprise you that I’m asking for a girlfriend, too. I just want someone to love. Someone to love me. I’m Adam. Where’s my Eve?

Suddenly there’s a flash of lightning. Maitland Collins arrives in the break room, wearing clothes that are torn. Adam sits there, looking at her in amazement and confusion.

Adam Hauck: Eve? That you?

Maitland turns around and notices him. Adam had seen a birthmark on her lower back, thanks to the holes in her clothing.

Maitland Collins: Hello. Why are you looking at me so funny?

Adam Hauck: Well besides you just appearing from nowhere, that birthmark looks familiar. I feel like I’ve seen it on a baby recently, but that makes no sense, as I don’t go around looking at baby’s lower backs.

Maitland Collins: There’s something I should tell you.

Adam Hauck: (snaps fingers) I remember! Katie’s baby. I delivered a baby a little over a year ago who had that exact same birthmark.

Maitland Collins: I know. I *am* that baby.

Adam Hauck: You’re Maitland Collins - Katie’s daughter?

Maitland Collins: Yes.

Adam Hauck: Just the other day, Katie was saying how fast you’re growing up. I had no idea though!

Maitland Collins: I have a story to tell you about that. But first, would you get me some fresh clothes?

Adam Hauck: Oh right! On it.

Maitland Collins: Good. Thanks.

Adam Hauck: You’re in luck because the clothes are just in that room over there. You don’t mind wearing a Kroger uniform, do you?

Maitland Collins: I’ve worn worse.

CUT TO: A few minutes later, Maitland is wearing Kroger clothes and is seated, telling Adam the story of her arrival.

Maitland Collins: Scrominians sent me back in time as a punishment. They intended on sending me all the way back to the dawn of time, but I have a friend who fiddled with the time machine and chose a cozier destination for me.

Adam Hauck: Scrominians are bad? They’ve always helped us out before.

Maitland Collins: They started off peaceful with the human race but that was only an act. And only a select few people knew of their existence in the first place. In about ten years, the Scrominians make their presence known to the general public and it starts a huge war when they decide to take over the planet with the purpose of using it as their trash bin. Earth has been battling them ever since. The Scrominians don’t care about keeping Earth though. They’re perfectly fine with destroying it, which they’ve tried in the past… well my past, your future. I’ve joined the army and am currently fighting against them. That’s why I’m here. I was a prisoner of war. I tend to go off and fight them all by myself. Usually I’m successful, but not this time.

Adam Hauck: This is amazing. I can’t get over this.

Maitland Collins: I know. It’s pretty kabloian.

Adam Hauck: “Kabloian”?

Maitland Collins: What, you guys don’t use that word yet?

Adam Hauck: Not to my knowledge. But then again I’m not the hippest cat around.

Maitland Collins: Oh, well it just means unbelievable.

Adam Hauck: There’s a couple of questions I have for you. First off, when I told you I delivered you as a baby, why were you not surprised? It was as Masked Bagger that I delivered you.

Maitland Collins: Because in the year I come from, your secret is already out.

Adam Hauck: What year did you come from?

Maitland Collins: I left the year 2036.

Adam Hauck: How are you getting back?

Maitland Collins: I have no clue. Bernie will probably try and help bring me back home, but there’s a huge chance he’ll fail. Well you know Bernie.

Adam Hauck: Boswell?

Maitland Collins: Yeah. He’s my sidekick and best friend in the future.

Adam Hauck: Okay, things are really weird anymore. In fact, I can’t think of anything weirder than that.

CUT TO: The bakery. A customer is complaining about whatever it is customers complain about. Becca, a bakery employee, aged 34, is fed up with his outrageous attitude.

Becca the Bakery Witch: Please, sir, if you don’t calm down, there will be a consequence.

Irate Customer: You’re right! There WILL be a consequence! I’m out to get your fat ass fired!

Becca the Bakery Witch: Fat ass?!?

Chris Ward walks by and witnesses as Becca makes a gesture with her hands, turning the customer into a sugar cookie shaped like himself. She then puts him on the counter with the other free cookies for the kids. Chris freaks out and runs off to become Cart-Boy. He soon returns.

Cart-Boy: Hold it right there, Becca! I don’t know how you did it, but you turned a customer into a cookie!

Becca the Bakery Witch: I did? I did not!

Cart-Boy: You did! I saw it.

Becca the Bakery Witch: Prove it. Where’s the cookie?

Carts looks on the shelf and notices that the cookie isn’t there. Is the teen hero losing his mind? Did he just imagine the whole thing? No! He looks over and spots a little kid with the cookie about to take a bite out of it. Cart-Boy runs over and swipes it out of their hands, causing little Stacy to cry. This, of course, gets the attention of her mom.

Stacy’s Mom: What’s happening here?

Cart-Boy: I need that cookie.

Stacy’s Mom: That’s my little girl’s cookie!

Stacy’s mom (who’s got it going on) strikes Cart-Boy with her purse. Wheels pop out of his shoes and he skates away, but the furious parent isn’t letting him off the hook that easily. She chases after him.

(Stacy's Mom by Fountains of Wayne https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSGjevDzBpk)

CUT TO: Ben looks miserable. He is extremely depressed. He walks into Mindy’s office. She’s sitting at her desk.

Ben Davis: What have I done?

Miss Dalton: Excuse me?

Ben Davis: Why did I dump Hailie?

Miss Dalton: Didn’t you do that three months ago?

Ben Davis: Yes, and I regretted it almost immediately, but I kept assuming the hurt would go away. But here we are and I’m still hurting. Maybe it still hurts because the universe wants us to be together and it is telling me not to give up on her.

Miss Dalton: Maybe. Or maybe you’re just a psycho.

Ben Davis: No, it’s not that.

Miss Dalton: Things will be fine. You just need to move on.

Ben Davis: (sarcastically) You’re a great help.

Miss Dalton: I’m just here to keep this store afloat. I don’t give out relationship advice.

Ben Davis: Well then I’m outta here.

Miss Dalton: Wait. Before you go, I *do* have some advice.

Ben Davis: What is it?

Miss Dalton: Plenty of Hoodrats. It’s a dating website. The women on there are just what you’re looking for.

Ben Davis: Trust me. If I don’t get Hailie back, I don’t want anyone who remotely resembles her.

Ben leaves the office and walks past Hailie flirting with some guy. This ticks him off.

Ben Davis: What’s going on here?

Some Guy: Excuse me?

Ben Davis: I asked a simple question. What’s going on here?

Hailie Morgan: There be nothing going on here that concerns you.

Ben Davis: How do you figure?

Hailie Morgan: We done broke up!

Ben Davis: We’re broken up until you come to your senses. Although I admit for you that could take a while.

Hailie Morgan: I done come to my senses when I dumped your brown booty!

Ben Davis: It’s tacky to bring race into this.

Hailie Morgan: Oh please. You wanted your 4 year-old niece to refer to us as Aunt Vanilla and Uncle Chocolate. This whole relationship has been about race.

Ben Davis: Not true. It’s been about love and respect until you couldn’t handle a simple eccentricity of mine. And besides, I dumped YOU.

Hailie Morgan: After I took your pathetic “My Little Pony” lovin’ ass back when I *thought* you was done with that children’s show.

Some Guy: This is very uncomfortable for me.

Ben Davis: Why are you still here?

Some Guy: Well, I’m kinda flirting with “Aunt Vanilla” here.

Ben Davis: I knew it! Put up your dukes. We’re gonna fight.

Hailie Morgan: No you ain’t. You’re gonna walk away and let me and this guy have a chat.

Ben Davis: That’s it. If I walk away… our relationship is over.

Hailie Morgan: Okay.

Ben Davis: Okay?

Hailie Morgan: I said it.

Ben Davis: (sad) Fine.

Ben walks away, not sure of what his next move will be but 85% sure that he’s never going to be with Hailie again.

CUT TO: Cart-Boy runs over to Adam, who just left the restroom and is headed for the break room to talk some more with Maitland.

Cart-Boy: Adam! Adam! I have to tell you something!

Adam Hauck: What is it?

Cart-Boy: It’s Becca from the bakery. She’s a witch!

Adam Hauck: Becca the Bakery Witch? I like the sound of that.

Cart-Boy: Well you won’t like what she’s doing! She turned a customer into a cookie. This one!

Chris hands Adam the cookie.

Adam Hauck: Uh, I don’t know what to do with this.

Cart-Boy: Fine. I’ll take the cookie downstairs to Masked Beggar and see if he can do something about it. In the meantime, morph into Masked Bagger and capture Becca!

Adam Hauck: Why didn’t you capture her?

Cart-Boy: I had to deal with this crazed mom.

Adam Hauck: Which one?

Just then, Stacy’s mom, who’d been chasing after Cart-Boy, finally caught up with him.

Stacy’s Mom: There you are -- you creep!

Cart-Boy: THAT one! Gotta go!

Cart-Boy races off with cookie in hand, headed for the basement lab.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger enters the bakery, but there is no Becca in sight.

Masked Bagger: Becca? Are you here?

He waits a moment and there’s no response.

Masked Bagger: Well it’s past three. Maybe she went home for the day.

Our precious hero turns around and just then, Becca pops out of a large oven (which was turned off). She waves her fingers around and a spell is cast on Bagger, turning him into a sugar cookie. One might call him a Sugar Bagger. Anyways, she picks him up and puts him on the free cookies shelf, and continues working her shift.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Cart-Boy and Masked Beggar are down there.

Masked Beggar: I believe by reversing the action that took place to his molecules, I can return him to his human form. There’s just one slight problem.

Cart-Boy: What’s that?

Masked Beggar: I don’t know how to do that.

Cart-Boy: What?!

Masked Beggar: Hey, it takes a smart man to be able to admit to not being able to do something. And just because I don’t know now, doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I’ll figure out a way to fix this guy.

Cart-Boy: Okay. I’d better go check on the Bagger. That Becca’s a tricky witch.

Masked Beggar: Just check the monitor.

Cart-Boy: Oh, yeah.

Cart-Boy looks over at the monitor and sees Becca working. He doesn’t spot the 717 Guardian, but does notice a cookie shaped like the 717 Guardian on the shelf.

Cart-Boy: Crap!

The teen hero races upstairs.

CUT TO: Cart-Boy is back at the bakery. He looks on the shelf, but the cookie is missing. He looks over and sees a little boy holding the cookie, about to take a bite. He races over to the lad and swipes the cookie from his hand.

Cart-Boy: I’m sorry, kid. But this is a very important cookie.

A man comes over and spots the interaction between the costumed teen and his young son, Mason.

Mason’s Dad: What’s going on here?

Cart-Boy: I need your son’s cookie. It’s very important.

Mason’s Dad: I don’t understand.

Just then, Stacy’s mom walks by with her daughter and spots Cart-Boy.

Stacy’s Mom: That’s him Steve! That’s the guy who stole Stacy’s cookie!

Mason’s Dad: Now he’s taken Mason’s cookie as well.

Stacy’s Mom: What kind of a cookie-stealing fetish do you have?

Cart-Boy: Here’s a five dollar bill. Go and buy yourself an entire pack of cookies and keep the change. But I don’t have time for this.

The young hero runs off.

CUT TO: Maitland (again, in her new Kroger clothes) begins to explore her new surroundings. She leaves the break room and walks around the store. She’s intrigued about a store that to her is over twenty years old. Mr. Bartlett walks by and takes notice of her.

Mr. Bartlett: Why hello there. You must be new here. I’m Brad Bartlett, but you can call me Mister B.

Maitland Collins: Um, okay.

Mr. Bartlett: I’m from corporate but don’t be nervous around me. I’m not out to scare the staff or anything. I work alongside the Masked Bagger. I’m sure you’ve heard of him.

Maitland Collins: Of course. Who hasn’t? He’s epic. I’ve never heard of *you* before, though.

Mr. Bartlett: Well if not for me, there would be no Masked Bagger.

Maitland Collins: How’s that?

Mr. Bartlett: I was hoping you wouldn't question it and just accept it as the truth. It’s funny, I don’t recall Miss Dalton saying she was going to hire anyone.

Maitland Collins: Who’s Miss Dalton?

Mr. Bartlett: Store manager. Who are *you*?

Maitland Collins: Just your friendly neighborhood Kroger employee. My name’s Maitland.

Mr. Bartlett: That’s funny. One of our employees has a baby named Maitland.

Maitland Collins: (defensive) Well then I must be her all grown up and visiting from the future, because there’s only supposed to be one Maitland in the world at a time.

Mr. Bartlett: (confused) Uh-huh. Well, I’ll be on my way.

He walks away. Maitland continues her travels of a previous 717 store.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Masked Beggar and Cart-Boy are standing by as both cookies are propped up opposite a laser beam machine.

Masked Beggar: This laser beam should do the trick.

He aims it at the cookie and presses a button. The laser beam shoots out, making impact with the cookie, which immediately explodes.

Cart-Boy: No!

Masked Beggar: Well that didn’t go according to plan.

Cart-Boy: What now?

Masked Beggar: I’m going to change the settings on the laser and try again.

Cart-Boy: You’re not doing that to Masked Bagger!?!

Masked Beggar: Of course I am. Do you see any other people-shaped cookies around? Come on now - trial and error. I’ll get it.

Cart-Boy: You’ve still got some evil inside you, don’t you?

Masked Beggar: I’m taming it the best I can.

The homeless scientist makes an adjustment to the laser and presses the button. The beam hits the cookie and fortunately (and not very surprising to you, the reader) it transforms back into the 717 Guardian.

Masked Bagger: Why do I feel like diabetes?

Cart-Boy: You were a sugar cookie. It was Becca. She turned you.

Masked Bagger: She did? Well that was crummy!

Not all of the Bagger’s jokes are funny, but he tries.

CUT TO: Bernie Boswell is still up front in his wheelchair and body cast. Austin Slaughter enters the store with his young daughter, Maitland.

Bernie Boswell: Welcome to Kroger, Austin. What, no Katie today?

Austin Slaughter: Didn’t you hear? Katie and I broke up recently. I’m just taking little Maitland here with me while I go shopping.

Bernie Boswell: Oh, I’m sorry to hear about you and Katie.

Austin Slaughter: Don’t worry. I already found someone better.

Bernie Boswell: A new girlfriend so fast?

Austin Slaughter: No, no. I’m talking about Maitland. Turns out *she’s* the love of my life. Katie was just the person I needed to make Maitland a reality.

Bernie Boswell: Well, that’s nice. But I just have to ask. You don’t mean you’re dating your baby daughter? Because that would turn this incredibly sweet moment into a creepy and disturbing one.

Austin Slaughter: Dude, YOU just turned this moment into a creepy and disturbing one. I’m walking away now.

Austin pushes the cart - with baby Maitland inside - into the store and away from Bernie. Just then, Adam and Chris walk over to the bagger’s closet, talking about ADULT Maitland’s arrival. Bernie eavesdrops.

Adam Hauck: …and that girl’s name is Maitland Collins.

Chris Ward: Katie’s daughter?

Adam Hauck: Yep. She’s here alright and she is hot.

Chris Ward: Really? You think she’s hot?

Adam Hauck: Trust me. I just saw her. Wouldn’t it be funny if Maitland and I got together? Especially since Katie’s her mom and I spent a great deal of time trying to get Katie to fall in love with me. That’s what would make it so funny.

Chris Ward: Well, why would you think she’d want you? No offense.

Adam Hauck: Moments before she arrived, I was praying to God about wanting a girlfriend. Suddenly she shows up. Coincidence? I think not!

The two baggers then take off. Bernie is freaked out and looks at the front office person.

Bernie Boswell: Hey, quick, call my uncle and put the phone up to my face. There’s something I have to say to him.

CUT TO: Adam walks into the break room. Bill Boswell - Berne’s uncle - is standing in there, waiting for him. Bill is under the belief that Adam’s comments were about the baby Maitland and is here to confront him over it.

Bill Boswell: Please have a seat.

Adam Hauck: What’s going on? Who are you?

Bill Boswell: Who am I? Who are you?

Adam Hauck: I’m… Adam.

Bill Boswell: Adam Hauck?

Adam Hauck: Yeah.

Bill Boswell: I hear you have a thing for Maitland Collins. Is this true?

Adam Hauck: Where did you hear that and how do you know Maitland?

Bill Boswell: It’s not important. Is it true?

Adam thinks Bill is referring to the adult version of Maitland, who’s over ten years younger than him.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, I think she’s hot. So what? I’m not going to do anything with her.

Bill Boswell: Because of her age?

Adam Hauck: Well no. I mean age is just a number.

Bill Boswell: You’re a sicko.

Adam Hauck: Sicko? Look, I admit she’s younger than me and for some guys that may be a problem, but not for me. But again, I’m not going to do anything with her. She’s Katie’s, er, uh, I mean she’s a friend’s daughter and that would be weird.

Bill Boswell: *That* would be weird? Not the fact that she’s a baby?

Adam Hauck: Look we’ve already addressed the fact that she’s younger than me and I’m sure at your age, everyone who’s under thirty seems like a “baby” but she is not a baby to me. She’s a babe… but not a baby.

Bill Boswell: She’s not a baby? She’s just over a year old! That’s not a baby to you?!?!

Adam Hauck: Wait, what?

CUT TO: Ben walks into Miss Dalton’s office.

Ben Davis: Miss Dalton, I’ve got good news.

Miss Dalton: What is it?

Ben Davis: I met a girl online.

Miss Dalton: Really? You went to Plenty of Hoodrats?

Ben Davis: No, of course not. But that gave me the idea to go to a dating website that didn’t sound nuts. I messaged this girl named Lisa and she actually messaged me back. We have so much in common. She’s also a writer, but she writes children’s books. None of them have been published yet, but I’m sure they will be. And she also works for Kroger. Not this one, obviously. But anyways, I said something funny to her and she said “LOL.” You know what that means, don’t you? That means she was laughing out loud at what I had said. That means I still got it. I can still put a smile on the face of women. Which also means - forget Hailie. I’m gonna be just fine without her.

Miss Dalton: That’s great news, Ben.

CUT TO: Cart-Boy enters the bakery. Becca is back from her break.

Cart-Boy: Becca, this is it. It’s time to come with me.

Becca the Bakery Witch: I don’t think so, sonny.

Becca moves her fingers around, about to turn ol’ Carts into a cookie, however, the teen hero gets out his bag-gun and shoots her with it. She’s been bagged. After his victory, Cart-Boy looks over and notices a shelf full of sugar cookies in the shapes of people.

Cart-Boy: You have certainly been a busy little witch, haven’t you, Becca?

He grabs all the cookies and heads downstairs to have Masked Beggar return them to human form.

CUT TO: Maitland is sitting in the break room. Adam enters.

Adam Hauck: Okay, Mindy knows who you are and you’re gonna stay here under the guise of a cashier. You’ll only get a few hours a week so you’ll be able to work in the basement lab with Masked Beggar on a time machine and, as for your living arrangements, you can live with me.

Maitland Collins: With you? Look, I appreciate your help but I’m not into you *that* way.

Adam Hauck: No one is. But I was just referring to as friends. I delivered you a year ago. I think you’re attractive but I can’t get past the fact that you’re still a baby in my time and also that you’re Katie’s daughter. Things are just too weird for me to ever want to be with you in any way other than as friends.

Maitland Collins: Okay. Sounds good.

Adam Hauck: Just don’t reveal your last name to anybody and also never interact with your mom. It could result in some pretty heavy moments.

Maitland Collins: I won’t. I just want to do my job and figure a way to get back home.

Adam Hauck: Great. Welcome to 717.

CUT TO: The next day, Bernie finally has his body cast off and is sitting in the break room, still sore from his first day back as a bagger. Adam and Maitland are there explaining what their situation is.

Adam Hauck: So you see, Bernie… THIS is the Maitland Collins I was talking about. She’s here from the future.

Bernie Boswell: Oh, well that makes sense. Kind of.

Maitland Collins: It’s better than Adam talking about how hot a baby is. I’m surprised at you, Bernie. You aren’t this dumb in the future.

Bernie Boswell: Future? You know me in the future?

Maitland Collins: Of course I do. We’re pals. And you look just like you do now.

Bernie Boswell: Because of the serum my dad gave me!

Maitland Collins: Yep.

Bernie Boswell: This is great!

Maitland Collins: Sure is.

Adam Hauck: Well, we have to go now. Our break is up.

Bernie Boswell: Okay. See you Adam. And I’ll see *you* (talking to Maitland) in the future.

Maitland Collins: Right on.

Adam and Maitland leave. Moments later, Agent Jensen enters the break room.

Agent Jensen: Bernie Boswell?

Bernie looks at the government agent.

Bernie Boswell: Yes?

Agent Jensen: I’m Agent Jensen. I need you to come with me. There’s a matter we need to discuss.

Bernie Boswell: What?

Agent Jensen: A life elongating serum.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #35. Deliver Us From Evil

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Miss Mindy Dalton
Mr. Brad Bartlett
Ben Davis
Hailie Morgan
Bernie Boswell

Guest Starring:
King Kroger [pictured below]
Jarlen Mather [pictured below]
Maitland Collins
Masked Beggar
Agent Jensen
Jacey Johnson
Katie Collins

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #35. Deliver Us From Evil

Originally released on October 30th, 2016

And Now You Must Read The Story…

Adam Hauck returns to Kroger after a week’s vacation. However, once he gets to the doors, he notices that they’re boarded up, and there’s a sign saying “Out of Business” posted. This makes no sense. No one said anything about this to Adam. He looks around and then morphs into Masked Bagger. He walks around back and enters the basement lab through his secret entrance.

Inside the basement lab, the 717 Guardian walks over and spots Masked Beggar.

Masked Bagger: Beggar, what’s going on here?

Masked Beggar: Oh, thank goodness you’re here. There’s serious trouble at the store. King Kroger has taken over and turned all of the employees into his slaves.

Masked Bagger: King Kroger?

Masked Beggar: He’s a new super villain. Originally, Fred Kroger, he’s a descendant of the store’s founder.

Masked Bagger: How long has this been going on?

Masked Beggar: A day after you left.

Masked Bagger: Well, I’m here now. But isn’t Cart-Boy here?

Masked Beggar: Everyone’s here, but King Kroger was just too strong an adversary for the teen titan. Plus, he turned a few customers into his own servants, and they help him keep the employees in line.

Masked Bagger: Why didn’t anyone leave through my secret entrance?

Masked Beggar: Because it’s a secret entrance. None of us knew about it! This is great. We’re saved!

Just then, three customers break into the basement lab.

Customer #1: King Kroger… he’s here! He’s here!

Walking down the stairs in a calm manner, comes King Kroger. He takes one look at Masked Bagger and takes out a dart gun. The Monarch of Retail shoots the 717 Guardian, causing him to fall to the floor.

King Kroger: Well that’s done. How did he enter the building, Beggar?

Masked Beggar: I don’t know.

Customer #2: There’s a secret entrance. We heard them talking about it, your majesty!

King Kroger: We’ll have to board it up. Peasants, please take the superhero upstairs and place him in the pillory.

They carry Bagger upstairs. King Kroger stays and stares down the Beggar.

Masked Beggar: What?

King Kroger: I wonder why you didn’t report this secret entrance to me the moment it was discovered.

Masked Beggar: Because I’m not one of your cronies.

The king takes out a gun and aims it at the homeless hero, who then gets quite nervous.

Masked Beggar: And because I discovered it only a couple minutes before you came down here. There wasn’t enough time for me to inform you.

King Kroger: Strike one. Two more strikes and I execute you.

Masked Beggar: We don’t want that.

King Kroger: Correction. YOU don’t want that.

CUT TO: Bernie Boswell is in a government building with Agent Jensen.

Bernie Boswell: Please, let’s end this. These constant tests are wearing me out.

Agent Jensen: We need to make sure you’ll live for hundreds of years.

Bernie Boswell: But how would you even know? You won’t be around in a hundred years.

Agent Jensen: True, but we just want to make sure you can’t be killed, which would in turn, prove your claims to live for hundreds of years.

Bernie Boswell: Can’t you just take my word for it? I’m an honest guy.

Agent Jensen: Well, if what you say is true, this is a big deal and we can’t have you mingling with regular people. They’d start to wonder why you never change appearance as the years go by. You’ll have to quit your job at Kroger and be a government agent. We’ll take care of you here.

Bernie Boswell: But I like my job at Kroger.

Agent Jensen: What exactly is your position there?

Bernie Boswell: Hmm, let’s see. I started out in produce and worked my way up to head of the department. Then I became a D.J. for the Kroger radio station. Then I became a bagger and now I’m a… well, I guess I’m still a bagger.

Agent Jensen: You really worked your way down, didn’t you? Well anyways, you are a bagger no more. You are now a secret agent. I mean if you can’t die, there’s no risk involved. It’s great.

Bernie Boswell: Um, there *is* a risk involved. I could be buried alive and no one would find me, and I’d spend a couple centuries alive inside a pine box.

Agent Jensen: Good point. Just do your best to avoid situations like that. Okay?

Bernie Boswell: I’ll try.

CUT TO: The great king of Kroger is doing his rounds, checking on everybody. He soon spots Jeffrey, an employee who has his back turned to him.

King Kroger: Jeffrey, turn around.

The employee doesn’t respond. This upsets the King.

King Kroger: I repeat, turn around, Jeffrey.

He still doesn’t. Mr. Bartlett notices what’s going on.

Mr. Bartlett: I’m sorry, your majesty. Jeffrey’s deaf and dumb.

King Kroger: You say he cannot hear or speak?

Mr. Bartlett: Oh, is *that* what “deaf and dumb” means?

King Kroger: Never mind. You’ll do.

Mr. Bartlett: I’ll do… what?

King Kroger: I need to be amused. Amuse me.

Mr. Bartlett: It’s time my stand-up act makes its Kroger debut. I’ve been working on this for years now.

King Kroger: Well, make me laugh.

Mr. Bartlett: Okay. (clears throat) Knock, knock.

King Kroger: Who’s there?

Mr. Bartlett: Brad.

King Kroger: Brad who?

Mr. Bartlett: Brad Bartlett. This isn’t a knock-knock joke! I’m getting my name out there so people will remember me.

King Kroger: (sighs) Oh well. Continue.

Mr. Bartlett: Okay. (clears throat) What a wonderful looking audience we have here today, filled with a lot of beautiful people. And speaking of beautiful people, I was looking at myself in the mirror yesterday, totally naked. I was checking myself out when it dawned on me. I am two people when I look into a mirror. I am both the one being looked at and the one doing the looking. If that doesn’t make you stop and think, nothing will. Onto the next joke.

King Kroger: *That* was a joke?

Mr. Bartlett: Yeah well, it’s more life musings than laugh out loud jokes. I want to make people think but with humor.

King Kroger: But it’s a comic’s job to make people laugh, is it not?

Mr. Bartlett: It is, and you’re not the first person to point that out. The managers at all the comedy clubs I go to have the same thought. That’s what makes me so groundbreaking. I’m not like the others.

CUT TO: Maitland is walking through the store. She spots Masked Bagger, who’s stuck in the pillory on the front end.

Maitland Collins: Masked Bagger? You’re here!

Masked Bagger: Yes I am. Can you get me out of here?

Maitland Collins: I can’t. King Kroger mentioned something about public spankings for disobedient women. I don’t know if he actually will or not, but I don’t want to test him. Hashtag keeping my ass safe.

Masked Bagger: Hashtag?

Maitland Collins: It’s just a thing I say.

Masked Bagger: And it’s delightful but I really want out of here, so…

Maitland Collins: I’ll see what I can do without actually doing it myself. Hashtag playing it smart.

Masked Bagger: Before I came in today, I had ordered a pizza and it’s being delivered here. I’m starving. So, when the pizza arrives can you at least feed me?

Maitland Collins: Question. How is the pizza delivery guy gonna get in the building?

Masked Bagger: (thinks for a moment) Hashtag son of a bitch!

CUT TO: Jarlen Mather, a 28 year-old pizza delivery guy, drives up to the parking lot of Kroger. He gets out with the pizzas Adam had ordered, but sees the “Out of Business” sign. He sighs.

Jarlen Mather: What’s this?

He knocks on the door, but there’s no response. He turns around and heads back to his car when he hears a faint scream. It sounds like it’s coming from inside the “abandoned” building. This peaks his curiosity and he returns to the door.

Jarlen Mather: (yells) Is anybody in there?

There is no response. His gut is telling him to investigate, and there’s one thing Jarlen is known for and that’s following his gut.

Jarlen Mather: I’ve got to get in there.

CUT TO: Back at the government building with Agent Jensen and Bernie.

Agent Jensen: We’ve tested out the serum on a couple of volunteers and they died.

Bernie Boswell: That’s horrible.

Agent Jensen: Why is it that it works for you and no one else?

Bernie Boswell: I have no clue.

Just then, Agent Jensen takes out a gun and shoots Bernie in the chest. He falls to the floor.

Bernie Boswell: (in pain) You didn’t like my answer?

Agent Jensen: Just more tests. I’m going to leave you there and see if you bleed out. I’ll be back in an hour.

Jensen walks away. Bernie is in a lot of pain but he’s not even bleeding. The bullet didn’t pierce his skin.

CUT TO: King Kroger enters the manager’s office, which is his main room. He’s not alone, however.

King Kroger: There’s the queen. My beautiful bride.

Mindy Dalton is chained to the office by her ankle. She has range to roam through the entire office, but can go no further. Because he’s not a complete monster, the king has installed a toilet in the middle of the office for Mindy to use, and he gives her three meals a day. She is, after all, his “queen.”

Miss Dalton: I am NOT your bride.

King Kroger: Agree to disagree. We’re both on the same page of your beauty though, right?

Miss Dalton: Don’t talk to me.

King Kroger: (jokingly) Oh boy. I’m going to be sleeping on the couch tonight.

Miss Dalton: And I’ll sleep on the floor… again.

King Kroger: I have some good news and some bad news. Masked Bagger has come back to the store.

Miss Dalton: And the bad news?

King Kroger: That *was* the bad news. The good news is I’ve captured him. He’s in the pillory in the front end right now. I’ll let him hang tight for a few hours and then kill him.

Miss Dalton: Why? What good is killing him? Anyone can do that!

King Kroger: Anyone can do that you say? Could Pineapple-Man kill him? Could The Powder? Could Salt-Man, Meat-Man, Mr. Hyatt, Cutter Magee, Cartastrophe, Time-Clock, Big K, Phil the Pharmacist, Mad Sacker, Trash Beast, Nutkroger, Masked Beggar, Moldy Pizza, Scraper Magee, Glup, Banker Betty, Mister Cleanshine, Freeze-Cepticon or Becca the Bakery Witch? Could any of them kill him?

Miss Dalton: Well they *could*. They just didn’t.

King Kroger: You’re talking crazy. But you’re a woman and that’s your prerogative. Speaking of you being a woman, pretty soon it will be time to consummate our relationship. I’ve given you a week to lust over me without getting any. It’s been torture on you, I know. But tonight, that ends. We shall make mad, passionate love.

Miss Dalton: I’d *have* to be mad to make passionate love to you.

King Kroger: It’s a mad world we live in, sweetheart.

Mindy has no intention of doing anything with him but has to think of a way out of this situation. She’s hopeful that Masked Bagger will be freed and rescue her. Oh, what she’d give for her old Retail-Red laser-beam gun right about now.

CUT TO: Ben Davis and Hailie Morgan are alone in the break room, eating lunch.

Hailie Morgan: We gonna die here.

Ben Davis: We’ll get out of this somehow. I promise.

Hailie Morgan: How you promise that? One of your magical ponies gonna break in and fly us out?

Ben Davis: Please don’t mock “My Little Pony.” You know that aggravates me.

Hailie Morgan: Then how we get out of here?

Ben Davis: I don’t know.

Hailie Morgan: I ain’t looking to get back together with you or nothing, but since we got nothing else to do… you wanna press it?

Ben thinks for a moment.

Ben Davis: Yes I do.

They go at it, which is our cue to say "CUT TO:"

CUT TO: Maitland returns to Masked Bagger.

Maitland Collins: How are you holding up?

Masked Bagger: Like this!

Maitland Collins: You don’t need to get cranky with me. I’m not the bad guy here.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry, but I’m hungry and very uncomfortable.

Maitland Collins: I understand.

Masked Bagger: So, fill me in. How did this guy come to power?

Maitland Collins: He just showed up one day. He has some sort of mind control over the customers and have turned them into his servants. The employees are straight up slaves.

Masked Bagger: But why don’t people on the outside know about this? I mean, aren’t all these people being reported missing?

Maitland Collins: No. It’s been explained to me that he has created clones of all of us.

Masked Bagger: I once had a clone made of me. Let me tell you, it ended tragically.

Maitland Collins: Well these clones have been sent out to replace us. So no one knows we haven’t left this place in a week. And the phone service is down and all of our cell phones have been destroyed. Which really sucks for me because I can’t simply buy a new one. Mine isn’t made for another twenty years.

CUT TO: Jarlen has climbed the building and gets on the roof. There, he knocks on the door and informs the guard he has a pizza. When the guard comes out to get some, Jarlen beats him up, then enters the store.

Jarlen Mather: The things I do to deliver pizza.

CUT TO: Bernie walks into a room with a guillotine in the middle and Agent Jensen standing by.

Bernie Boswell: Um, what’s that?

Agent Jensen: That is a guillotine.

Bernie Boswell: I’m starting to think you WANT me dead.

Agent Jensen: Nonsense.

Bernie Boswell: Well, you’re not gonna chop my head off!

Agent Jensen: I’m not? We have to continue these tests. You claim you can’t be killed. Put it to the test.

Bernie Boswell: Um, no.

Just then, four agents come in and forcibly place Bernie in the position to have his head chopped off.

Agent Jensen: I’ve got to say, I hope you make it.

Bernie Boswell: (sarcastically) You like me. You *really* like me!

Jensen lets go and the guillotine blade makes fast contact with Bernie’s neck. It doesn’t make a scratch. Boswell is fine.

Agent Jensen: I don’t believe it! It didn’t chop your head off. I’m beginning to think you really can’t be killed.

Bernie Boswell: Told ya! I mean, except for old age.

Agent Jensen: I’d say the testing is over. It appears your skin is indestructible and your vital organs are all in excellent condition and will remain that way for a long, long time. I believe you’re telling me the truth. I can’t explain why it didn’t work for anyone else, but maybe that’s for the best. We don’t need a bunch of people living for a few hundred years. The regular lifespan is good enough for humans.

Bernie Boswell: Good enough for “humans?”

Agent Jensen: Yes. Now we have to figure out what the hell YOU are.

CUT TO: King Kroger walks back to the 717 Guardian. A crowd forms. A smile comes to his face.

King Kroger: Time to unmask the Masked Bagger!

Masked Bagger: If you unmask me, I won’t really be the *Masked* Bagger, now will I? Think man, think!

King Kroger: I don’t have to think. I am the king. I have royal subjects to do the thinking for me. Removing your mask is one thing I want to do myself, however.

The crazed king reaches his arm towards the 717 Guardian, with his fingers inches away from the mask. Suddenly, a hot pizza inside a box is hurled at him, hitting Kroger in the face.

Jarlen Mather: What the HELL is going on here!?!

King Kroger: I was about to unmask this young man. Now I am putting all my efforts into killing you.

Jarlen Mather: Yeah, well, even all of your efforts won’t be enough to kill me. I learned self defense at a very young age… bullies.

King Kroger: Gun.

King Kroger takes out a gun and aims it at Jarlen. Maitland runs up behind the king with some rope in her hands.

Maitland Collins: Mutiny!!!!

She begins choking him. Jarlen comes over and takes the gun from his hand. As he’s gasping for air, King Kroger motions for his peasants to attack.

CUT TO: Chris Ward and Kroger model Jacey Johnson, who was visiting the store at the time this whole mess started, are in the photo lab.

Chris Ward: This has been just the best week of my life.

Jacey Johnson: We’re prisoners of some crazed king.

Chris Ward: But I get to spend this time with *the* Jacey Johnson.

Jacey Johnson: Why do I come to this store? I always end up in peril.

Chris Ward: I’ll protect you. Don’t worry.

Jacey Johnson: You’re a seventeen year-old kid. What can *you* do?

Chris Ward: I’m no ordinary seventeen year-old. Trust me. You’re safe with me by your side.

Suddenly, Chris hears fighting going on and has to join the action.

Chris Ward: Wait here for a second.

Jacey Johnson: What?

Chris points behind Jacey.

Chris Ward: What’s that?

When she looks the other way, he presses his belt buckle, because Masked Beggar had recently made a morpher for the teenage hero, and morphs into Cart-Boy. He runs off. She turns around and realizes she’s alone.

Jacey Johnson: Perfect.

CUT TO: Jarlen and Maitland are fighting off the mind controlled customers. The action is taking place close to Masked Bagger, who’s feeling quite uncomfortable, still in the pillory.

Masked Bagger: The first day back from vacation is always the toughest.

He checks out the stack of pizza pies that Jarlen has left on the floor. The fight continues as Cart-Boy enters the scene. He battles a couple of baddies and then notices the 717 Guardian.

Cart-Boy: Masked Bagger - you’re back!

Masked Bagger: Cart-Boy! It’s great to see you. Get me out of here.

Cart-Boy: The key would be in the king’s office.

Masked Bagger: And you’re standing here instead of running to the office… why?

Cart-Boy: Kind of in the middle of a fight.

He gets back to the action. Jarlen sees King Kroger sneaking off. He runs up behind him and tackles him to the floor.

Jarlen Mather: You’re the leader I take it.

King Kroger: I am the King!

Jarlen Mather: King of what?

King Kroger: This store, you maroon.

Jarlen Mather: Stores don’t have kings.

King Kroger: And that’s what’s wrong with the world.

His majesty takes a taser and uses it on the pizza delivery guy, who jumps off Kroger and lands beside him, shaking.

King Kroger: Instead of playing hero, just stick to delivering the damned pizzas. But don’t expect a tip.

He gets up off the floor and heads back to his office.

CUT TO: King Kroger enters his office where Mindy is still chained up.

King Kroger: Times are getting tough.

Miss Dalton: What’s going on out there?

King Kroger: The employees are finally fighting back. So instead of having them be slaves, I shall use my mind control to make them servants. I’m going to close my office door and concentrate. Don’t bother me. If you do… I will kill you.

Miss Dalton: You’ll have to catch me first.

King Kroger: You can’t go very far. I think I can handle it.

He closes his door. Jarlen barges into the office. He notices Mindy. The king is unaware as he is putting himself in a trance.

Jarlen Mather: Who are you?

Miss Dalton: I’m Mindy Dalton, the store manager. Who are you?

Jarlen Mather: I’m Jarlen Mather. I’m here to help. You probably don’t want to stay chained up, do you?

Miss Dalton: (smiles) You are quite the smart one.

Jarlen Mather: Reading people is a gift of mine. Is there a key for that thing?

Miss Dalton: Yes, but it’s in the king’s office and my chain doesn’t reach that far. But I should warn you, he’s in there now.

Jarlen Mather: I’ll take care of this. Sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. And right now, this man’s gotta dethrone a king.

CUT TO: Masked Beggar is in the basement lab. Since all of the bag-guns had been smashed earlier in the week, he has designed his own, which is indestructible. He can’t go upstairs to use it, because of the thing around his ankle that will shock him if he leaves the basement. So, he must wait for someone to come downstairs.

CUT TO: Jarlen opens the office door and stands there as King Kroger is in a trance, trying to control the minds of the employees. The pizza delivery guy clears his throat, causing the king to look up.

Jarlen Mather: This isn’t over.

King Kroger: Would you like to be tased again?

Jarlen Mather: Of course not. That would be crazy. Oops, “crazy,” now there’s a word I bet you hear a lot.

King Kroger: You may be right. I may be crazy.

Try as he might to let it slide, Jarlen just HAS to say…

Jarlen Mather: But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for.

They begin to fight.

CUT TO: Cart-Boy enters the basement lab.

Masked Beggar: Finally! Someone came down here!

Cart-Boy: Yeah, I needed a breather. It’s crazy upstairs. There’s a huge battle.

Masked Beggar: Use this on the king. It’s a new and improved bag-gun. This one can’t be destroyed. At least not as easily as the previous ones.

Cart-Boy: Great. Just as soon as I rest for a bit. I’m exhausted.

Masked Beggar: NOW!!!

CUT TO: Cart-Boy enters the office and spots the fight.

Cart-Boy: Pizza guy, move out of the way for a second!

Jarlen steps aside. Cart-Boy takes aim and shoots King Kroger, capturing him. Jarlen, Carts and Mindy all begin laughing as they are relieved.

CUT TO: On the front end, once King Kroger had been defeated, the light shines in the store as the boards on the windows disappear. The reign of King Kroger is over. Jarlen and the others make their way back up front. He uses the key and frees Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Thank you so much. You’re a real hero in my book. What’s your name?

Jarlen Mather: Just call me Jarlen Mather, P.D.

Masked Bagger: P.D.?

Jarlen Mather: Pizza Delivery.

CUT TO: Adam Hauck walks outside to the fuel center. Katie Collins is in there. She was trapped for a week and lived on water bottles and candy bars.

Katie Collins: Adam! I’m free! You have no idea what I’ve been through this past week. This place was boarded up with me inside.

Adam Hauck: It reeks in here!

Katie Collins: Yeah. Imma need you to empty the trash can. Don’t ask what’s in it or look inside. Just empty it.

Adam Hauck: Just so you know, if you were my girlfriend, I would have had Mindy let us take our vacation on the same week, so you would have been with me instead of here. So, you kind of brought this on yourself by not loving me. Just saying.

Katie Collins: (angry) Imma need you to leave now.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger, Cart-Boy, Miss Dalton, Mr. Bartlett, Maitland Collins and Masked Beggar are in the basement lab.

Maitland Collins: So, what’s going to happen to all the clones now?

Masked Beggar Well now that King Kroger is behind bars and his reign is over, the clones he created should vanish soon.

CUT TO: All the clones are vanishing. First we see a girl and her new boyfriend, who happens to be the clone of a Kroger employee.

Girlfriend: The last three boyfriends I said this to, took it as their cue to leave. They couldn’t handle commitment, I guess. But you’re different. So I’ll say it… I love you.

Just then he vanishes. She is upset.

Girlfriend: Men! You’re all alike!

CUT TO: Ben’s clone is driving his car, when all of a sudden he vanishes, causing the now vacant car to swerve off the road and crash into a telephone pole.

CUT TO: Mindy’s clone loves showing off her body. She’s standing in the middle of an art class, where she’s about to pose nude so the class can paint her portrait. She turns around and begins to remove her robe. As it drops to the floor, she vanishes. The guys watch in astonishment.

Guy #1: Wow. She not only took off her clothes, but her skin, blood and skeleton as well! Now THAT is sexy!

Guy #2: I don’t know. I mean leave a little something to the imagination. You know what I’m saying?

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #36. Baggers of the Caribbean

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Miss Mindy Dalton
Mr. Brad Bartlett (Captain Bartlett [pictured below])
Ben Davis
Hailie Morgan (Hailie Mermaid [pictured below])
Maitland Collins

Guest Starring:
Captain A-Crab [pictured below]
Mister Hero [pictured below]

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #36. Baggers of the Caribbean

Originally released on November 13th, 2016

And Now The Tale Gets Told…

It’s a beautiful November day. Inside Kroger 717, Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy walk over to seafood where Miss Dalton and Mr. Bartlett are standing.

Masked Bagger: Okay Mindy, what’s up?

Miss Dalton: Rebecca has been complaining about the lobster tank. Ever since we added crabs to the mix, weird things have been happening.

Mr. Bartlett: Crabs are never a good thing to have. Trust me.

Miss Dalton: Different kind of crabs, and TMI. Anyways, they’ve been selling quite well. In fact, there’s only one left and he’s a meanie.

Masked Bagger: So, I’m supposed to fight a crab? Come on! I fight super villains for a living. This is insulting!

Cart-Boy: (smiles) My money’s on the crab.

Masked Bagger: Shut up… sidekick!

Cart-Boy: (sarcastically) Well, you put me in *my* place. So, Miss Dalton, what do you really want us to do?

Miss Dalton: There have been reports of some sort of whirlpool that appears from time to time around the lobster tank. I just want you guys to investigate.

Masked Bagger: Will do. Why don’t we just take the whole tank downstairs to have the Beggar do some research?

Miss Dalton: Because it’s heavy.

Masked Bagger: Oh, come on. I’m sure Cart-Boy and I can carry this baby downstairs. Come on, Carts.

The heroes both begin an attempt to pick up the tank but obviously can’t even lift it. Suddenly, a whirlpool appears and sucks the Grocery Store Guardians inside.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy find themselves on a ship. Not quite a pirate ship, but it certainly looks like one. A man who looks like Mr. Bartlett walks over to the duo.

Captain Bartlett: What is the meaning of this?

Masked Bagger: I’m not sure. Where are we?

Captain Bartlett: On the sea, of course. I had to give up a fine girl named Brandy, but the sea is my true love. So here I am. This is the S.S. Kroger. We ship groceries to Krogers all around the world. Now I’ve answered your question. Answer mine. Who are you?

Masked Bagger: I’m Masked Bagger.

Cart-Boy: And I’m Cart-Boy.

Masked Bagger: We were at our Kroger store in the seafood department, when all of a sudden a whirlpool brought us here.

Captain Bartlett: Oh, well I hate to say this but you need the orb to get you back home.

Cart-Boy: Why do you hate to say that?

Captain Bartlett: Because this has happened before, only the people never made it back home because they were unable to obtain the orb.

Masked Bagger: And why’s that?

Captain Bartlett: It’s on a pirate ship and belongs to one of the evilest creatures of the sea… Captain A-Crab.

Masked Bagger: Well, we have to try and get it. No offense, of course, but I don’t want to stay here.

Captain Bartlett: Nor am I inviting you to stay here. I’ll drop the two of you off on the dock when we get to the next Kroger… in three days.

Cart-Boy: Three days?

Masked Bagger: Look, where is this pirate ship? We need to get onboard and get the orb.

Captain Bartlett: It could be anywhere. I’m always having to fight off those scoundrels. I haven’t seen them in a few days, so they are due for another visit soon. Hopefully for you two, they come by before we hit land.

CUT TO: Back at 717, Hailie walks over to Ben, who’s doing a price check.

Hailie Morgan: Benny, I got something to tell you.

Ben Davis: What is it?

Hailie Morgan: I’m preggers.

Ben Davis: What? Who’s the father?

Hailie Morgan: You is.

Ben Davis: But we haven’t done anything in months.

Hailie Morgan: Uh, are you forgettin’ a couple weeks ago when we was trapped in here for a week by King Kroger? We totally pressed it.

Ben Davis: Oh yeah. I *did* forget.

Hailie Morgan: You did!?! I be *that* forgettable?

Ben Davis: No, no, I’m just shocked. That’s all. I’m not thinking straight. Well listen, don’t worry. I will support this child and everything will be fine.

Hailie Morgan: You awfully calm about this.

Ben Davis: Hey, I’m not the one with a human being growing inside me. And when I become a famous screenwriter, I’ll have plenty of cash to give the both of you a good life.

Hailie Morgan: You gonna become a famous “screen rider”? You gonna ride screens? Is that some crazy fetish of yours or something?

Ben Davis: (looks the other way) I’m sorry world that she’s breeding because of me.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy are sitting down, relaxing on board the S.S. Kroger.

Masked Bagger: So, how are things going with you and Rachel?

Cart-Boy: Pretty good.

Masked Bagger: Cool.

Cart-Boy: How are things going with you and that girl you’re talking to online?

Masked Bagger: Fine. Except I’m pretty sure it’s a guy scamming me. We chatted for only the second time last night and she’s already telling me how much she loves me and wants us to get married just as soon as she returns from Nigeria. She’s there visiting an uncle.

Cart-Boy: Yeah, it’s a scam.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, I thought so.

Cart-Boy: You gonna dump them?

Masked Bagger: Not right away. I enjoy seeing someone say they love me, even if I know it’s a fake person. So, I’ll play along until they start to demand the money.

Cart-Boy: You’re sad.

Captain Bartlett enters the scene.

Captain Bartlett: You guys are in luck. The pirate ship is headed this way. I wish you both well. Maybe you can both get on the life boat and paddle your way to them before they get here so I don’t have to confront them again.

The duo get in the life boat and begin paddling their way to the pirate ship. Once they get close enough to it, the 717 Guardian waves at the pirates. A couple spot them and bring them on board. The pirates are weird lobster men.

Cart-Boy: The hell are you guys?

Masked Bagger: Carts, what’s say you *don’t* insult the giant lobster pirates, okay?

Lobster Pirate #1: Argh, you two will make a great feast. Once the captain okays it, I’ll put you both in the cage, then prepare you for dinner.

Masked Bagger: Just so I’m up to speed, we’re going to *be* the dinner, right?

Lobster Pirate #1: Argh, yes.

Lobster Pirate #2: Where you two come from, argh?

Cart-Boy: The S.S. Kroger.

Lobster Pirate #1: Argh, we hate that ship.

The crab captain, known as Captain A-Crab (pronounced like Captain Ahab, but with “crab” instead of “hab”), walks onto the deck where a few of the lobster pirates are standing by, guarding the grocery store duo with swords.

Captain A-Crab: Well, well, well. What do we have here?

Lobster Pirate #1: Argh, they’re from the S.S. Kroger.

Masked Bagger: I’m Masked Bagger and this is my sidekick Cart-Boy.

Captain A-Crab: I see. Argh, it’s time to walk the plank.

Cart-Boy: Wait, what? You’re going to kill us just like that? All you’ve learned is our names. You don’t know what we’re doing here.

Captain A-Crab: I care very little of why you’re here. All I know is you’re not one of my lobster pirates and therefore, you do not belong. So, walk the plank ye shall!

Cart-Boy: Okay, Yoda.

Captain A-Crab: I don’t get the reference.

Masked Bagger: I get it, but I don’t care for it. While I think the original trilogy is okay, I’ve never been a big “Star Wars” fan.

Cart-Boy: And you are so in the minority. Those movies are awesome.

Masked Bagger: Next you’re going to tell me that “The Dark Knight” is the greatest comic book movie ever made.

Cart-Boy: Yeah, I *am* going to tell you that. Heath Ledger is the definitive Joker.

Masked Bagger: You’re crazy!

Cart-Boy: For having a different opinion than you?

Masked Bagger: No, for being a Ledger fan boy. He did a great job as a villain, but I’m sorry, I don’t buy him as The Joker. And I’ll tell you another thing, if they ever make a movie about me, Christopher Nolan better stay away from that project. Can you imagine how dark and gritty he would make my life story out to be?

Cart-Boy: Yes, and maybe then some people might think you’re cool.

Captain A-Crab: Excuse me! Start walking the plank before *I* do!

Masked Bagger: Look, we came here for a reason. Apparently there’s an orb on your ship and it will send the two of us back to our dimension.

Captain A-Crab: I don’t know what “orb” you’re talking about, but if it’s on *my* ship, then it is *my* orb, and you can’t have it! Time to walk the plank.

Lobster Pirate #2: Captain, my captain, we were thinking they could be dinner, argh.

Captain A-Crab: They’ll be dinner… for the sharks. I’ve already got our dinner cooking, but besides that, the fat one here be too ugly to eat. I have *some* standards after all.

Masked Bagger: Words hurt, buddy.

Captain A-Crab: So do shark bites.

The lobster pirates take out their swords and guide the Grocery Store Guardians onto the plank. Sharks are swimming underneath.

Masked Bagger: Look, I think we got off on the wrong foot.

Just then he glances at one of the pirates who only has one leg. The other is wooden. Bagger feels awkward.

Masked Bagger: Oh boy. Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by that. We’ll, uh, just return to the S.S. Kroger.

Captain A-Crab: By all means, return to the S.S. Kroger. After you survive the sharks, you can swim there.

Two lobster pirates get on the plank with their swords and poke and prod at Bagger and Carts. As they’re falling, Bagger grabs one of the pirates, who then grabs the other. All four of them fall into the water. The sharks immediately eat the lobster pirates, while the heroes swim off. S.S. Kroger spots them and heads their way. Captain Bartlett throws a rope over and they hold on. Bartlett then pulls the duo back inside.

Captain Bartlett: Where’s the orb?

Masked Bagger: There’s something you should know about us. We fail a lot. At least in the beginning. But we’ll get it… somehow.

CUT TO: Back at 717, Maitland enters the manager’s office where Mindy is.

Miss Dalton: Hello, Maitland. How are you today?

Maitland Collins: I’m fine, but I’m still no closer to returning to 2036. Hashtag losing hope.

Miss Dalton: Don’t lose hope. You’ll return home one day.

Maitland Collins: Maybe. So, why’d you call me in here?

Miss Dalton: I just wanted to let you know that both Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy have vanished in a whirlpool by seafood. I’m pretty confident they’ll be back soon, but if any of the giant bird-men fly in, maybe you could take care of it, seeing as you’re army trained.

Maitland Collins: Of course. I mean, the army didn’t train us to battle big birds, but I’m sure I can handle it.

CUT TO: A group of twenty men walk into Kroger. They all have guns and are scouring the store. After locking the doors, one of the criminals pulls his gun out and shoots it at the ceiling. Everyone gasps.

Robber #1: This is a good, old-fashioned robbery! Keep calm and no one will get hurt. Make a move and you get killed. I want all of your valuables. Be that money, jewels or what have you.

The people do as they’re told.

Customer: You won’t get away with this. Masked Bagger will get you!

Robber #3: Show yourself, Masked Bagger!

Nothing happens.

Robber #3: That’s what I thought. You see, it’s one thing to fight supernatural villains, but we’re a crew with guns. It’s quite different. He’s probably somewhere right now peeing his pants out of fear.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is preparing to pee off the edge of the S.S. Kroger. When he looks down, he notices a woman, who looks just like Hailie, coming out of the water. He quickly makes himself decent.

Masked Bagger: Hello. It’s kind of dangerous to be swimming out there with all the sharks around.

Hailie Mermaid: It be fine for me. I be a mermaid.

Masked Bagger: And that means sharks won’t eat you?

Hailie Mermaid: Exactly.

Just then, she climbs up the side and sits down inside the ship. After all, she’s a mermaid. All she really *can* do is sit down or swim.

Hailie Mermaid: I never done seen you here before.

Masked Bagger: I’m just visiting. You know, you remind me of someone I work with. Her name is Hailie Morgan.

Hailie Mermaid: That be funny. My name be Hailie Mermaid.

Masked Bagger: She talks just like you do, too.

Hailie Mermaid: How that?

Masked Bagger: You know, kind of ghetto talking.

Hailie Mermaid: I be talking normal. You done insulted me.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. It’s just I don’t know many people who talk like you do.

Hailie Mermaid: Then you need to get out more.

Masked Bagger: (jokingly) If that means I’ll run into more people who talk like you, no thanks.

Hailie begins to cry… loudly. Captain Bartlett runs over.

Captain Bartlett: What’s going on?

Hailie Mermaid: This masked man done insulted me!

Captain Bartlett: Why would you do such a thing?

Masked Bagger: I was just kidding around. I didn’t realize mermaids were so sensitive… or that they even existed.

Captain Bartlett: Hailie here, is my sometimes female companion.

Masked Bagger: Really?

Captain Bartlett: It gets lonely out here on the sea.

CUT TO: Kroger 717. Mr. Bartlett, Miss Dalton and Maitland Collins are all together in the front end trying to stay calm in the face of danger.

Mr. Bartlett: With both of the baggers gone right now, we are totally defenseless.

Miss Dalton: Let’s just play it cool. These are normal people and not super villains.

Mr. Bartlett: Normal people… with guns. They can kill us all and this will go down as one of those massacres on the news. I don’t want to die. I haven’t yet completed my life’s goal, which is to bang two fifty year-old women on my one-hundredth birthday.

Maitland Collins: (to Bartlett) You’re a goon. (to Mindy) I can do my best to fight these guys off, but I doubt I can do it alone. Hashtag feeling overwhelmed.

Miss Dalton: You won’t have to do it alone. I’ll join you.

Maitland Collins: Thanks, but what can *you* do?

Miss Dalton: A while back, I was a superhero known as Retail-Red. I still have the costume in my office.

Maitland Collins: Great. Girl power!

Just then, three men with guns show up and aim their weapons at the Kroger employees.

Robber #3: You can’t do nothing once we tie you up.

Maitland Collins: So then, don’t tie us up.

Robber #3: It’s gotta be, sweet thing. It’s gotta be.

CUT TO: Back on the S.S. Kroger, the three guys are having a chat, while Hailie is sitting by.

Masked Bagger: We need to attack the ship.

Captain Bartlett: Yes, and I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. Why couldn’t you guys grab the orb when you were on the ship before?

Cart-Boy: Things got freaky. First they wanted to eat us and then they wanted to feed us to the sharks. I like it when girls think of me as a piece of meat, but I don’t like it when hungry animals do.

Captain Bartlett: We’ll have to change course and follow the pirates.

Masked Bagger: Are you willing to do that for us?

Captain Bartlett: Not for free, I ain’t. I need something.

Masked Bagger: Hailie, will you give the captain here, a blow… fish? I think he could eat.

Hailie Mermaid: I ain’t getting’ one of my pets for Bartsy to eat!

Captain Bartlett: I meant money.

Masked Bagger: I don’t have any cash on me. I use a debit card. I doubt you guys use debit cards here in the pirate days.

Captain Bartlett: That’s true. We don’t. But are you saying you’re from a different time?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m a dimension traveler. I know that. I don’t know if we’ve gone back in time as well to when pirates were in their golden years or what.

Cart-Boy: Well, if Kroger is around, we can’t be *that* far back in time. When did it first open for business, 1883?

Masked Bagger: That’s right.

Captain Bartlett: Just to clear things up, this is the year 2016. But I don’t know nothing about debit cards.

Masked Bagger: Could it be that their 2016 is our, say, 1716 and somehow Kroger exists anyways?

Cart-Boy: Could be. Or it could be we’re standing here trying to figure out what year it is when we should be tracking down Captain A-Crab and the lobster pirates to get the orb to go home.

Masked Bagger: (to Bartlett and Hailie) Always straight to the point, this one.

CUT TO: The robber has Bartlett, Mindy and Maitland all tied up. He’s pointing a gun at them.

Robber #3: Which one shall I kill first? This is always a tough call for me.

He looks at Maitland and gets a devilish grin on his face.

Robber #3: I choose you.

She gets nervous and begins to tremble. She closes her eyes and begins to quietly sing “I’ll Be There” by The Jackson Five.

(I'll Be There by The Jackson Five https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg2v...fCYfabxIgZFGF0)

Maitland Collins: ♪ I’ll reach out my hand for you… I’ll have faith in all you do… Just call my name and I’ll be there… ♪

Robber #3: Cute voice. Shame you gotta die.

Suddenly from seemingly nowhere, a turquoise and purple blur flies by and rams into the robber, causing him to soar in the air and land all the way in produce. The blur turned out to be a man. He flies to the robber and stands over him.

Mister Hero: You listen to me. You will leave these people alone. Don’t hurt anybody. It’s not nice!

Robber #3: Who the hell are you?

Mister Hero: I’m Mister Hero! And don’t cuss.

The new superhero then punches the robber in the face, knocking him out. Mister Hero flies around the store looking for the other armed robbers. He finds two in the bakery. They spot him and start shooting at him. The bullets bounce right off of his super chest. He laughs.

Mister Hero: That tickles!

He stands on his feet and lifts the two bad guys up. He then wants the attention of the crowd.

Mister Hero: Hey everyone, look at me!

Simultaneously, he throws the one in his left hand all the way to the dairy, while throwing the one in his right hand up, causing him to crash into, and get stuck in, the ceiling. Mister Hero laughs and then flies off.

CUT TO: The ship is on course to capture the pirates and end their reign of terror as well as get the orb. All three men each have a sword. Hailie doesn’t need one. She’s got moves that she feels are better than using a sword.

Captain Bartlett: We’re almost upon them. For your knowledge, this isn’t about the orb. Those ruffians have been after me for a long time. True, you are the one that got me to do this, but it’s something I have to do anyways. So we fight, to the death, possibly. Let’s rid this Earth of those freaky lobster pirates!

The S.S. Kroger comes up right next to the pirate ship and stops. The four person crew get on board and make their presence known. All of the lobsters look at them. Things suddenly become so surreal to Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Man, when I first got invited to come to 717, who knew that one day I’d be on a pirate ship with a teenage boy dressed as a cart, a ghetto talking mermaid and a bunch of lobster pirates… or that we’d be almost four years in, and I’d still be single? Not me. That’s who!

Captain A-Crab makes his way out. He removes the sword from its sheath.

Captain A-Crab: I’ll make this brief and to the point. Kill them!!!

A battle begins.

CUT TO: Ben and Hailie are outside taking a break together. They have been out there since just before the robbery.

Ben Davis: So, what are we going to do?

Hailie Morgan: What you mean?

Ben Davis: I mean should we get back together?

Hailie Morgan: Why?

Ben Davis: Um, you’re having my baby.

Hailie Morgan: I’m having *my* baby! I just needed you for some of the ingredients. Oh, and I be needing child support.

Ben Davis: Of course. I already told you I’d support him.

Hailie Morgan: Him? But not if it’s a her?

Ben Davis: I’ll support either gender. I just want to know what you want in regards to a relationship. Because I’ve been chatting with someone I met on a dating website, and we were finally going to have our first date tomorrow night.

Hailie Morgan: Go on the date. Me and you are just friends.

Ben Davis: Fair enough. But know this… I am a good looking guy with a great sense of humor. I am a catch. I don’t want to be at my wedding and you come along and crash it with intentions of breaking it up, just so you and I can get back together.

Hailie Morgan: (insulted) Why I gotta crash it? I ain’t gettin’ invited to yo wedding?

CUT TO: Mister Hero battles three more armed robbers and wins. Pretty soon a group of them come up and surround him. They all open fire. It has no affect. He’s a powerful hero. Once they’ve run out of bullets and have all thrown each of their guns at him in hopes that THAT might harm him, he extends both arms and then spins around, knocking them all out.

Mister Hero: (overly excited) Again! Again!

He then realizes that all of the armed robbers are unconscious and so he flies back up front and begins untying the hostages.

Mister Hero: You’re all safe now!

Miss Dalton: Thank you so much. But what is your name?

Mister Hero: I already said it. I’m Mister Hero!

Miss Dalton: Calm down. I didn’t hear you before. Well anyways, thank you again.

Mister Hero: You’re welcome.

Maitland Collins: Yes, and a big thank you from me, seeing as I was seconds away from death when you rescued me.

Mister Hero: It was fun.

CUT TO: The battle on board the pirate ship. A sword fight has begun. Despite having had zero training on how to use a sword, the Grocery Store Guardians are doing okay. Hailie stands on her hands, while repeatedly slapping one of the lobster pirates in the face with her tail, eventually causing him to fall overboard and get eaten by a shark. Captain Bartlett is killing off many of the lobsters while Masked Bagger goes head to head with Captain A-Crab.

Masked Bagger: Okay, give me the orb.

Captain A-Crab: No. Give me your life.

Masked Bagger: Trust me, you don’t want it.

Captain A-Crab: I’m sure it just seems worse than it is.

Just then, the bad captain whacks the sword out of Masked Bagger’s hand. He places the tip of his own sword on the guardian’s chest.

Captain A-Crab: Although right now it seems fairly bad.

Cart-Boy sees this and uses his sword to whack the weapon out of A-Crab’s claw.

Masked Bagger: Why didn’t you just stab him? (looks at A-Crab) Teenagers.

The captain punches Masked Bagger in the face. He keeps on punching him until the hero falls down. He’s defeated… or so he feels. Bagger looks over and spots a bucket labeled “Spinach.” He crawls over to it and begins eating the nasty green stuff. He gets up, still feeling weak, and confronts A-Crab.

Masked Bagger: I’m back. Give it your best shot!

The crooked captain punches the 717 Guardian in the face. He goes down again. He’s disappointed in his cartoon upbringing.

Masked Bagger: Every “Popeye” cartoon has been a lie!

Captain Bartlett sneaks up behind A-Crab, but the crustacean bends over and picks up his sword, turns around, and stabs Bartlett in the chest. Everyone stops and watches.

Captain Bartlett: No.

Captain A-Crab: Yes.

Masked Bagger grabs his bag-gun, now that the attention was no longer on him. He shoots A-Crab and bags him. He then picks up the bag, and throws it overboard. The sharks instantly begin chowing down on the delicious but evil A-Crab.

Masked Bagger: Mutiny! This is MY ship now!

The remaining lobster pirates jump overboard to their deaths as they are eaten by sharks. Bagger, Cart-Boy and Hailie all go to a dying Bartlett.

Masked Bagger: I’m so sorry, Captain.

Captain Bartlett: I don’t want to die here. Let me die in the place I love the most… the S.S. Kroger.

The 717 Guardian picks up Bartlett and carries him over to the S.S. Kroger. He gently lays him there moments before the captain passes away. Cart-Boy comes over.

Cart-Boy: I’ve got the orb. Let’s go home.

Masked Bagger is happy to be able to return home, but won’t forget Captain Bartlett and the sacrifice he made to help them get there.

CUT TO: Back at 717, a whirlpool appears and Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy are back. They’re up front and notice a crowd.

Masked Bagger: We’re back!

Maitland Collins: That’s great, but you would not believe what happened here.

Masked Bagger: You wouldn’t believe what happened where *we* were, which I feel is the bigger story.

Maitland Collins: No, seriously. There were like twenty armed robbers and this guy named Mister Hero…

She looks for him.

Maitland Collins: Wait. Where’s Mister Hero?

Mr. Bartlett: He’s gone. (to Masked Bagger) You know, this makes two months in a row we’ve had outside help to save us. I think maybe your special-ness has faded.

Miss Dalton: There’s another superhero in the store. We need to know who he is and where he came from.

Mister Hero is gone. He has returned inside the imagination of six-year-old Kevin Branch, an autistic child, who doesn’t speak or communicate with others. He has such a strong imagination, however, that the fear he was feeling from the robbers, created a superhero to fight them off. It was the only time he’s ever been able to interact with other people. Way to go, Kevin! You are special in deed!

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #37. It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Sacker

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Miss Mindy Dalton
Mr. Brad Bartlett
Ben Davis
Hailie Morgan
Maitland Collins

Guest Starring:
Mad Sacker alias Mickey Tork [both pictured below]
Dairy Dude [pictured below]
Cassie Beaumont [pictured below]
Masked Beggar
Austin Slaughter

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #37. It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Sacker

Originally released on November 29th, 2016

And Now For A Sack Of A Story…

Adam walks into the store. Chris Ward runs up to him.

Chris Ward: Don’t be mad at me.

Adam Hauck: Why would I be mad at you?

Chris Ward: Now that Bernie has used up all his vacation weeks, and has officially quit working here, Miss Dalton hired his replacement.

Adam Hauck: Why would I be mad at *you* though?

Chris Ward: People tend to kill the messenger. And today I’m training the new bagger.

Adam Hauck: And?

Chris Ward: She’s your former lover.

Adam Hauck: Chris, you clearly don’t know me. I’m Adam Hauck. I don’t have any former lovers. I’m a pariah to women. Who could you possibly be talking about?

Chris Ward: Cassie Beaumont.

Adam’s face turns pale… paler than usual.

Adam Hauck: Cassie? The girl I dated once and was about to do the deed with before she blackmailed me for $200 and then sent me on my way... sex-less?

Chris Ward: That would be her.

Adam Hauck: If this is the kind of person Mindy wants to hire at the good ol’ 717, my days here just might be numbered. I *can’t* work with Cassie and I *won’t* work with Cassie, and if this were a sitcom, we’d now cut to me working with Cassie.

They both look around for a “CUT TO.”

Chris Ward: We’re still here. This must not be a sitcom.

Adam Hauck: Not gonna lie, I’m a little disappointed. I’d love to be in a sitcom. It would explain why I hear a studio audience laughing whenever I’m being funny.

Suddenly, Mr. Bartlett runs over to the duo.

Mr. Bartlett: Guys, there’s trouble in the dairy! A new super villain is on the loose!

Adam Hauck: A dairy villain?

Mr. Bartlett: Yes.

Adam Hauck: It’s about time. That was the only department that didn’t have its own villain.

Chris Ward: Unless you count the fuel center.

Adam Hauck: I don’t. Let’s get to work.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy arrive at the dairy department and see something amazing. There’s a force field that’s holding back milk, which comes up to the Bagger’s chest. Soon, The Dairy Dude surfs up to our heroes.

Dairy Dude: What’s what, dudes? Trying to catch a gnarly wave here!

Masked Bagger: What are you doing?

Dairy Dude: (to Cart-Boy) This one’s not the brightest bulb in the box. (to Masked Bagger) I’m surfing, dude!

Masked Bagger: But… on milk?

Dairy Dude: It is what it is.

Cart-Boy: I don’t understand. How are you a villain? Right now you seem pretty awesome.

Dairy Dude: Thanks, bro. I guess they see me as a villain because I have twenty-five people held hostage inside the cooler and a yogurt bomb that’s set to go off any time now.

Cart-Boy: Um, what?

Dairy Dude: Oh, did I forget to mention that it’s poisonous yogurt and if it touches you, it turns you into a yogurt monster? I’ll have an entire yogurt army and destroy you dudes!

Masked Bagger: Looks like you’re the one who’s not the brightest bulb, telling us your plan like that.

Dairy Dude: Oh, bogus, dudes! Why’d I do that for?

Masked Bagger turns to Cart-Boy.

Masked Bagger: You take on the Dairy Dude while I go in and rescue the hostages.

Cart-Boy: No way. I have the tougher job.

Masked Bagger: Mine is more dangerous. The bomb could go off any second now… with me inside. All you have to do is fight off some guy who thinks he’s Bill, Ted and all four Ninja Turtles in one.

Cart-Boy: Well, when you put it *that* way.

Masked Bagger: I’ll give you a head start.

The 717 Guardian shoots out a cart strap from his sleeve, and it wraps itself around the baddies’ ankles. Bagger pulls on it, knocking the Dude off his board and into the sea of milk. Our hero then gets into the milk and walks over to the cooler while Cart-Boy goes after the villain.

Inside the cooler…

Masked Bagger: Everyone is going to be okay. Let me just untie you all… one at a time. Yikes, this could take a while.

Hostage #1: Once you untie me, I’ll help you untie the others.

Masked Bagger: Deal.

Bagger unties the gentleman, who then helps him untie another person, who in turn helps them untie other people. Soon everyone is untied. A computerized voice begins counting down from ten.

Masked Bagger: Everybody out! Head for the back hallway!

Hostage #2: But there’s a sign on the door that says “Employees Only”!

Masked Bagger: In this case, ignore the sign!

They all run out and head for the back hallway. Bagger closes the dairy door just before the bomb goes off, leaving it a poisonous yogurt mess. That magnificent man in a mask then returns to Cart-Boy’s side, but finds the teenage sidekick trying to run in the milk, while Dairy Dude surfs around.

Masked Bagger: You had one job.

Cart-Boy: Shove it where the sun don’t shine.

Masked Bagger: I’d rather not.

Suddenly, the Mad Sacker arrives on the scene. He’s not happy with Dairy Dude’s presence.

Mad Sacker: There will be no overlapping. There will be no team-ups. It’s my turn now!

The Mad Sacker shoots the dairy villain with a large brown paper sack. It covers his entire body and then transports him to the basement lab.

Mad Sacker: You’d better get down to the lab and incarcerate him, Bagger. You’re welcome.

Masked Bagger: Thanks. Wait, are you good now?

Mad Sacker: Me? Good? Why, that would be SACK-religious. You couldn’t see the way it was spelled in my head, but I spelled it S-A-C-K religious, which is pretty clever.

Mad Sacker takes off as the milk starts going down the drain by the cooler door.

Cart-Boy: Who was that?

Masked Bagger: That was Mad Sacker. Once upon a time, he went by the name of Mickey Tork, and was a buddy of mine.

Cart-Boy: Well, it looks like he’s escaped.

Masked Bagger: Yeah. Hey, wait a second. Shouldn’t you already know him? I mean, haven’t you been down the hall o’ villains in the basement lab before?

Cart-Boy: Nah, I tend to stay over in the computer area of the basement. There’s no need for me to mingle with the freaks.

Masked Bagger: Well last time he was out, he really screwed up my life. He reported me to the government and Agent Jensen threatened to throw me in jail if I didn’t leave the Earth level, so I had to marry Hailie to get a visa.

Cart-Boy: I didn’t know she’s your wife. You always whine about being single. What’s up with that?

Masked Bagger: We’re not married anymore, obviously. It only lasted five months and there was zero sex.

Cart-Boy: This is YOU we’re talking about, so you didn’t have to clarify the zero sex part. I already figured.

Masked Bagger: (to himself) I want to feel like there was a time when I was respected here.

CUT TO: Ben walks into Miss Dalton’s office. She happens to be sitting at her desk.

Ben Davis: I’m going to be a dad.

Miss Dalton: That’s great. Wait, that’s great, right?

Ben Davis: Of course, it is. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was a surprise, but I’m really looking forward to this.

Miss Dalton: Who’s the baby momma?

Ben Davis: Hailie Morgan.

Miss Dalton: So, does this mean you two are back together?

Ben Davis: Oh, no. I loved her when we were together and I mourned our relationship for a while there, but I’m over her and she’s over me.

Miss Dalton: Well, congrats on getting a woman pregnant who’s not your wife or girlfriend.

CUT TO: Adam is up front and spots Cassie Beaumont in her Kroger uniform, ready for work. He also sees Mr. Bartlett and decides to have a chat with him.

Adam Hauck: What is *she* doing here?

Mr. Bartlett: Mindy hired her. She’s Bernie’s replacement.

Adam Hauck: But that’s the girl I dated briefly earlier this year. She’s a bad, bad, bad person!

Mr. Bartlett: Wow, she wouldn’t put out, would she?

Adam Hauck: Well no, but that’s not what makes her bad.

Mr. Bartlett: No, that makes her a bad person and I will fire her immediately!

Adam Hauck: You’d do that for me?

Mr. Bartlett: (laughs) No, but it’s so sweet that you think I would.

Adam Hauck: Well fine. Maybe she’ll turn into a super villain and I can bag her.

Mr. Bartlett: I don’t know. You couldn’t bag her before. If you know what I’m saying.

Adam Hauck: (angry) I know what you’re saying.

Just then, Cassie walks over to the two guys. She instantly recognizes Adam.

Cassie Beaumont: Well, well. If it isn’t Adam something. How’ve you been since our date?

Adam Hauck: I’ve been just fine. How about yourself?

Cassie Beaumont: I’ve been great, hun. When are we going on that second date?

Adam Hauck: I can’t afford to take you out. All you want is my money.

Cassie Beaumont: That wouldn’t be true if you had anything else to offer. Just saying.

Adam Hauck: But it’s not like I’m rolling in dough. I have less than five-hundred dollars in the bank right now.

Cassie Beaumont: So, now you’re telling me that the one thing I thought you were good for, you’re not?

Mr. Bartlett laughs.

Mr. Bartlett: She’s got you there, Adam.

CUT TO: Adam is walking on the back dock.

Adam Hauck: (to himself) This place is getting worse and worse.

Mad Sacker appears.

Mad Sacker: And it’s only going to get worse and worse and worse… and worse.

He then tosses a sacked lunch at Adam, who catches it just as it emits some knock-out gas. Our mask-less hero passes out.

CUT TO: In a secret location, Adam Hauck is tied up to a chair. Mad Sacker walks over to him.

Mad Sacker: There’s no need for you to have your mask on since I already know your secret.

Adam Hauck: Well there is. I look better with a mask on. At least that’s what the ladies tell me. Great, now I’m cracking on myself.

Mad Sacker: Do you remember when I trained you on your first day?

Adam Hauck: Yeah.

Mad Sacker: Well, now I’m gonna deprogram you.

Adam Hauck: I’d rather you didn’t.

Mad Sacker: You don’t get a choice in the matter.

Adam Hauck: Let me take you back to another memory. Do you remember the time you tried to destroy my life by turning me in to the government?

Mad Sacker: Yeah, that was great.

Adam Hauck: I had to marry Hailie just to be able to legally stay on this Earth level!

Mad Sacker: (sarcastically) And you fell in love.

Adam Hauck: Um, no. But we did become friends. But that’s beside the point.

Mad Sacker: This time my goal is to drive you as mad as I am. One way to do that is to kill all the people you love. While you’re tied up here, I’m gonna go off and massacre your friends - film it - and force you to watch it later.

Adam Hauck: You’ve really changed since our old bagging days.

Mad Sacker: Pretty soon, we’ll be the same. I’ve heard rumblings of you having dated a certain Cassie Beaumont. She’ll be the first to go! Sacker out!

Mad Sacker leaves as Adam talks to himself.

Adam Hauck: Okay, so I have some extra time before he kills anyone I *actually* love.

CUT TO: Mr. Bartlett and Miss Dalton are in Dalton’s office.

Mr. Bartlett: The funniest thing happened today. I was taking a bath and, picture this, I’m soaking in the tub, totally naked. Are you picturing it?

Miss Dalton: Not intentionally, but the image has entered my brain.

Mr. Bartlett: And *that’s* the funny thing that happened today.

Miss Dalton: (annoyed) Leave. Just leave.

Bartlett exits as Chris enters.

Chris Ward: Miss Dalton, have you seen Cassie anywhere? It’s her turn on carts and no one’s seen her in the last half hour.

Miss Dalton: No. I assumed she was up front bagging.

Chris Ward: For that matter, have you seen Adam? I feel like it’s been a while since he’s been around.

Miss Dalton: You don’t suppose they’re off somewhere… together?

Chris Ward: No. No, I don’t. Adam hates her. She seems to hate him, too. I mean, sure, in a sitcom, that tension would lead to them eventually making out, but as Adam said earlier today, we’re not living in a sitcom. So where are they?

CUT TO: Mad Sacker is in another secret location. Cassie is tied up and angry.

Cassie Beaumont: What are you gonna do with me, freak?

Mad Sacker: I’m going to kill you.

Cassie Beaumont: What?!? Because I called you a freak? You’re so sensitive!

Mad Sacker: No, no. I was planning to kill you all along. But I have a plan and it involves kidnapping a few other employees. But first, I need to gear up for it.

The masked baddie goes to his stereo and cranks up “Hey Mickey” by Toni Basil.

(Hey Mickey by Toni Basil https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dLnvB9w2us)

He begins rocking out to it while Cassie watches in astonishment. Once the song is over, Sacker stops dancing and leaves the room.

CUT TO: Mad Sacker has removed his mask and cape. Now he looks just like his original persona - Mickey Tork. He walks over to Ben Davis with intentions of kidnapping him. Since Ben had replaced Mickey years earlier, he doesn’t recognize him.

Mickey Tork: Excuse me, the boss told me you’d train me. This is my first day as a bagger.

Ben Davis: Oh, okay. Hi, I’m Ben Davis.

Mickey Tork: I’m Mickey.

Ben Davis: Nice to meet you, man. I’m technically the cleaner, but I spend so much time up here and getting carts and stuff that “cleaner” just seems to be an empty title anymore.

Mickey Tork: How long have you worked here?

Ben Davis: A little over two years.

Mickey Tork: Have you ever been Employee of the Month?

Ben Davis: No, and they pretty much did away with that.

Mickey smiles as if they stopped doing it because he was no longer eligible for the honor.

Ben Davis: Well, let’s get started.

Miss Dalton walks past and notices Mickey, but it doesn’t click with her right away that he shouldn’t be here.

Miss Dalton: Hello, Mickey.

Mickey Tork: Hi, Mindy.

Miss Dalton: Wait a second! It’s not 2014!

Ben Davis: Very observant?

Miss Dalton: No, Ben, this is the guy you replaced!

Ben Davis: The guy I replaced was turned into a super villain. He was named Mickey Tork and YIKES!!!! It’s him!

Mickey takes out his sack-gun and shoots them both, trapping them inside a giant brown sack together. Mr. Bartlett and Maitland Collins notice this and run over, which turned out to be a dumb idea as Mickey does the exact same thing to them. Chris Ward and Hailie Morgan then run over and find themselves in the exact same situation. Tork looks at the three brown sacks, each containing two employees, and he smiles.

Mickey Tork: Well, that was easier than I thought.

CUT TO: Adam has just loosened the rope and frees himself. That seemed easy. A little *too* easy. He hits his belt buckle and morphs into The Masked Bagger and heads for the front end.

CUT TO: The front end. The 717 Guardian arrives to see Mickey Tork, once again dressed as the Mad Sacker, standing in front of four giant brown sacks.

Masked Bagger: I escaped, Sacker!

Mad Sacker: Just like I knew you would. All part of my plan.

Masked Bagger: What, seriously? I just thought I was *finally* getting good at this superhero gig.

Mad Sacker: Nonsense. I wanted you down there thinking about how I’m slaughtering your friends and how there was nothing you could do about it. But once you freed yourself, the real fun would begin. Now here’s what’s going on. There are four brown sacks in front of you. One of them contains store manager and our former crush, Mindy Dalton, as well as my piss poor replacement, Ben Davis. Another sack contains the corporate goon, who at some point came for a visit and stayed, Mr. Bartlett, with some girl who wears a black vest. I don’t know her name as she wasn’t here when I was.

Masked Bagger: (to himself) Maitland!

Mad Sacker: Another sack contains that ghetto talking bitch, Hailie Morgan, with some teenage bagger. I think I saw the name “Chris” on his nametag. And our final sack is completely empty. They are all rigged to release poisonous gas, killing the occupants of each sack. But I’ll let you choose one sack, and I’ll let those two people go. Unless you choose the decoy. Then all six of your co-workers get to die! Take your time. I’ve got all day.

CUT TO: Inside Mr. Bartlett and Maitland’s sack.

Mr. Bartlett: Now that it looks like we’re going to die, I should probably admit something.

Maitland Collins: What is it, Mr. Bartlett?

Mr. Bartlett: I’ve always been turned on by the sight of you. You have been the star of many of my self-pleasuring fantasies.

Maitland turns around in disgust.

Maitland Collins: I don’t want to die with this perv. Hashtag get me out of here!

Mr. Bartlett: I’m okay with death. I’m just sorry you have to die, too.

Nervous, Maitland starts to sing to herself.

Maitland Collins: ♪ I’ll reach out my hand for you… I’ll have faith in all you do… Just call my name and I’ll be there… ♪

(I'll Be There by The Jackson Five https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg2vMrDzoXM)

CUT TO: Inside Chris and Hailie’s sack.

Chris Ward: I don’t know if we can get out of this.

Hailie Morgan: If we can’t be gettin’ out, then I need to fess up.

Chris Ward: What is it?

Hailie Morgan: I’m not really pregnant.

Chris Ward: What!?!

Hailie Morgan: I thought I be when I told Bennie the news, but later found out I wasn’t and just never told him the truth. I was enjoying all the attention he be givin’ me.

Chris Ward: How far were you going to take this?

Hailie Morgan: I bought fat suits to wear in order to keep the lie goin’.

Chris Ward: Until?

Hailie Morgan: My cousin be pregnant. I was gonna pretend their baby be our baby.

Chris Ward: I think a weekly, maybe even daily, visit with Doctor Whetstone is a must for you.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger presses on his belt buckle which activates his mask-cam. It records what he’s seeing and a monitor in the basement plays what’s being recorded. This gets the attention of the Masked Beggar, who instantly devises a plan to save everyone.

Masked Bagger: Once I choose, how long before the others are killed?

Mad Sacker: It happens instantaneously. You choose. The sack opens, and as that happens, the other sacks are filled with the poisonous gas.

Masked Bagger: Well, what if I…

Our precious hero takes out his bag-gun and aims it at the Sacker, who takes out his own gun. They stand there with each of their guns aimed at the other one.

Mad Sacker: Go ahead. Make… my… day.

After a few minutes just standing there, and figuring he has nothing to lose, the Bagger pulls the trigger and shoots out his bag, but Sacker counter attacks by shooting his gun. The sack eats the bag.

Mad Sacker: Looks like you’ve got to play my little game.

Masked Bagger feels he’s stalled long enough and hopes that Masked Beggar has helped him out in some way. After all, the Beggar is a genius, and if anyone at the store could devise a plan to save everyone so quickly, he could.

Mad Sacker: Choose a sack.

Masked Bagger: Sack… number… three.

The sack opens up but no one comes out. Mad Sacker begins laughing maniacally.

Mad Sacker: They’re all dead! All of them are dead!

He goes over to open the other sacks, intending to see a bunch of dead bodies but instead everybody is alive, and run out.

Mad Sacker: What? I don’t understand! Why aren’t you dead?

CUT TO: A few minutes earlier. Masked Beggar in the basement took one of his inventions and placed it to the ceiling. It caused each sack to malfunction, thus not releasing the poisonous gas.

CUT TO: Back at the front.

Mad Sacker: Well your friends may have survived, but the love of your life won’t. Look up there!

The sinister Sacker points to the ceiling, where Cassie Beaumont is tied and hanging upside down.

Masked Bagger: Know this, she’s not the love of my life. I can’t stand her. That doesn’t mean I won’t save her, though.

Mad Sacker: I don’t see how you can. You’re not Superman. You can’t fly up and catch her. You’re not Spider-Man. You can’t swing up and get her. You’re not Batman. You can’t… do whatever it is that Batman would do. You’re just the lame Masked Bagger. Not even a real hero at all if you ask me.

Mad Sacker cuts the rope, which was keeping Cassie up, causing her to fall head first. The 717 Guardian takes his bag-gun and at the right moment, shoots her with it. The gun setting was such that once she’s inside, it would drop down as light as a feather, assuring her safety.

Mad Sacker: (angered) Damn it!!!

Masked Bagger: Nobody asked you… about me being a real hero. Oh, and by the way, you look silly covered in that plastic bag.

Mad Sacker: What?

Just then, Cart-Boy, who was standing behind the villain, shoots him with the bag-gun, capturing him.

Masked Bagger: Nice work, Cart-Boy!

Cart-Boy: I’ll take him downstairs.

Masked Bagger goes over and lets Cassie out of her bag.

Cassie Beaumont: Thank you, Masked Bagger!

Masked Bagger: You’re welcome.

Cassie Beaumont: I am hot for bagger.

Masked Bagger: What?

CUT TO: Chris and Masked Beggar are in the basement lab. Adam joins them.

Adam Hauck: Cassie and I had sex.

Chris Ward: (to himself) Maybe we *are* in a sitcom.

Masked Beggar: I thought you hated Cassie.

Adam Hauck: I do, but she’s extremely hot and wanted my body. Well technically, she wanted Masked Bagger’s body. It was as Masked Bagger that I lost my virginity. We found a nice cozy spot where no one could see, then… you know. And yes, nudity was required.

Masked Beggar: So she knows your identity now?

Adam Hauck: No, no. I left my mask on, but it’s *all* I had on.

Masked Beggar: That must have looked silly.

Chris Ward: So, wait. If you hate Cassie, why’d you have sex with her?

Adam Hauck: Two reasons. One is that I’m turning thirty-five next month and I’m getting closer and closer to finally being called the Forty- Year-Old Virgin. I can’t have that. Also, in the beginning, I was waiting for marriage. Then just someone I love. Lately, I was just waiting for a special time to finally do it. What’s more special than having a hot naked woman on top of me, ripping my clothes off and kissing me passionately?

CUT TO: Mr. Bartlett catches up with Maitland over by the bakery.

Mr. Bartlett: Can I ask you a question, Maitland?

Maitland Collins: Sure.

Mr. Bartlett: Earlier this month when that gunman was going to shoot you, before being rescued by Mister Hero, and then today when you were about to die inside that big sack, you sang “I’ll Be There.” Why?

Maitland Collins: That song gives me hope when I’m scared. It just calms my nerves. I don’t really remember the origin of why, though.

CUT TO: The origin of why she sings that song when she’s frightened. March 2018 (a couple years in the future) --- Austin Slaughter is driving a car with an almost four year-old Maitland sitting in the back seat. Suddenly, it crashes. His seat breaks and falls back, causing him to be laying next to his daughter, who’s seated in the backseat on the passenger’s side. Austin’s life flashes before his eyes. The best part of his life was Maitland. He remembers all the times he sang the Jackson Five song “I’ll Be There” with her. In his memories, they’re dancing. She’s dressed up like a princess as he twirls her around, noticing that big smile on her face. He remembers them both jokingly yelling out “Just look over your shoulders, honey!” After these wonderful memories subside, he returns to reality. Maitland is physically okay, but scared. She starts to cry. Austin can’t have that.

Austin Slaughter: Don’t cry, Mait. Everything will be okay.

She’s still crying. He begins to weakly sing her favorite song to her.

Austin Slaughter: ♪ I’ll reach out my hand to you… I’ll have faith in all you do… Just call my name and I’ll be there… ♪

She calms down and listens to her daddy singing the song to the best of his ability.

Austin Slaughter: ♪ I’ll be there… I’ll be there… Just call my name and I’ll be there…. ♪

Maitland Collins: (yelling playfully) ♪ Just look over your shoulders, honey! ♪

Austin hears the ambulance coming.

Austin Slaughter: Baby, the medics are coming. Don’t be afraid. They’re coming to help. They’re gonna call mommy, and she’ll come get you. (he pauses) I love you, Maitland.

The medics open the car door. They check on Maitland, but notice that the driver, Austin, has passed away. He had held on just long enough for the medics to arrive as he didn’t want to leave Maitland alone.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!