Honeymooners Episode Reviews: Script of “Easter Hats” & "Hot Tip":

[Frank Gannucci]

Honeymooners Episode Reviews: Script of “Easter Hats” & "Hot Tip":

Episode #47
DVD: Attached to “The Norton Interviews”, Radio versions of “Letter To The Boss” & “Love Letter”, “Additional Sketches & Commercials”, “Lost Episodes Story”, script to “Alice’s Birthday” & “All About Trixie: Joyce Randolph Interview.”
Air Date: Sat. 4/4/53

Special thanks to ChrisTV from sitcomsonline.com for typing this up.

"THE HONEYMOONERS"
"EASTER HATS"

Announcer
And now it's time for another visit with two of your favorite characters, Ralph and Alice Kramden, better known to you as "The Honeymooners".. You know there's an old saying goes "In the spring a young mans fancy turns to thoughts of love"… However a woman's fancy turns to thoughts of spring cleaning… So let’s look in on the Kramden household as Alice is in the midst of her spring cleaning.

[As travelers part camera holds on an establishing shot of the "Kramden Kitchen". The stage is dark for a split then Alice emerges from bedroom. She is wearing a kerchief around her head, and is carrying a broom in one hand and carrying curtains in the other. She sets broom against wall and crosses to stove where a large pot of water is boiling. Trixie enters.]

Alice
Hello Trixie.

Trixie
H'ya Alice. You almost done with your cleaning?

Alice
Yeah, and am I dead. I cleaned the whole house to-day, everything. And just my luck, some vacuum cleaner salesman will come around tomorrow to demonstrate….. Will you lift the lid off that pot, Trixie?

[She lifts lid.]

Trixie
Sure, what are you doing?

Alice
I'm going to boil these bedroom curtains, they're filthy.

[Alice sticks curtains in pot.]

Are you done with your cleaning Trix?

Trixie
Yeah, and was my place dirty. When I finished cleaning I found two new rooms!... I'm so tired I'm going to sleep right after dinner.

Alice
I wish I could do that but when Ralph gets home we're going to color some eggs. I'm going to give them out to the kids in the building for Easter.

Trixie
Gee, that's real thoughtful, Alice.

Alice
Say, Trix will you help me get the mattress back on the bed?

Trixie
Sure.

[As Trixie and Alice enter bedroom. Ralph and Norton enter from street.]

Ralph
Anybody home?

Alice [From bedroom]
Be with you in a minute.

Ralph [Sniffing]
Something smells good.

[Norton sniffs too.]

Norton
Yeah.

[As Ralph crosses to the stove Norton follows him. Ralph lifts lid.]

Ralph
Looks like we're having soup to-night.

[He tastes spoonful and registers satisfaction.]

Pretty good for a girl who couldn't cook when we first got married… Norton, just taste this.

[He gives Norton a spoonful. Norton reacts indifferently.]

Norton
I think it needs a little salt.

Ralph
Yeah, a little salt and pepper wouldn't hurt it.

[As Ralph takes salt and pepper shaker from stove and starts to season contents of pot, Alice and Trixie enter from bedroom.]

Alice
Ralph, what are you doing to my curtains?

Ralph
Norton, I just added a little salt and… (Take) CUUURRTTTTAAIINNNSSS! What are you trying to do, poison me?

Norton
I'm telling you, Ralph a little more pepper and it'll be fine.

Ralph
Norton, You are a mental case.

Trixie
C'mon Ed, I'll give you your dinner.

[As Trixie and Norton exit]

Norton
See you later folks.

Alice
Sit down and I'll fix you something to eat.

Ralph
I'm not hungry now. I had too much for lunch. Besides I'm aggravated.

Alice
What's wrong, Ralph?

Ralph [Walking joke]
Everything happens to me. Alice, I'm the unluckiest bus driver in New York. Look, in New York there are three million private cars… Twenty five thousand taxis… Fifteen thousand trucks and fifteen thousand busses. Now I've been driving a bus for twelve years with a clean record, and today I had my first accident…. Did I run into a private car? A bus? A taxi? A truck? No! I had to run into a police car!

Alice
Was anybody hurt?

Ralph
No, nobody was hurt, but twenty seven passengers are suing the bus company, including three guys who didn't get on till the next stop!

[Ralph reaches into his pocket, extracts packets of coloring.]

Oh, here's the coloring I got for the Easter eggs.

Alice
Did you get different colors?

Ralph
Yeah lets see I got red, green, blue, yellow and white.

[He hands packets to Alice.]

Alice [Quizzically]
White?? What can we use white for?

Ralph
I don't know, uh… maybe we can use it to color the brown eggs!

Alice
Did you stop at the store to get the decals?

[Ralph searching in his pocket.]

Ralph
Yeah.

Alice
Good. After we eat we can transfer the pictures on the eggs… Did you get the Mother Goose characters like I asked you?

Ralph
They were all out of those so I got some assorted cockamamies.

Alice
What do you mean assorted?

Ralph
Assorted that's what I mean… Give me your hand I'll show you.

Alice
What are you going to do, Ralph?

Ralph
Give me your hand.

[Ralph takes single decal, wets it on his tongue and slaps it on the back of Alice’s palm. He rubs it with the forefinger of his hand. Then lifts transfer... And exclaims as he points at picture on Alice’s hand.]

There you are… Arthur Tracey The Street Singer.

Alice
who’s the street singer?

Ralph
I don't know… but he must be somebody important if they put his picture on a cockamamie….. Did you get enough eggs, Alice?

Alice
I got six dozen. There they are.

[She points to table. Ralph picks up bill, glances at it.]

Ralph
Ninety five cents a dozen for eggs?????

Alice
That's what they cost, Ralph. A week ago these same eggs cost seventy cents a dozen.

Ralph
I can't understand it. A week ago these eggs sold for seventy cents… Now they're ninety five cents a dozen? What does the farmer do? Go into the hen house where the chickens are sitting, and say "hold it" till the prices go up?

Alice
You can't blame the farmer.

Ralph
Oh, I can't blame the farmer. I suppose it’s the chickens fault. I can see it now… The hens walking up and down in front of the farmhouse carrying picket signs reading… "We want more money… We're tired of working for chicken feed!"

Alice
What are you getting excited about?

Ralph
You could have gotten eggs for fifty cents a dozen. We're just going to color em. Not eat em.

Alice
I'm sorry, I just didn't think.

Ralph
That’s just it. You don't think. If you thought a little, a dollar bill would go a lot further around this house.

Alice
Look, Ralph, don't act like I fritter your salary away. I make every penny reach as far as possible. I couldn't even save enough out of your earnings to buy me a new hat for Easter.

Ralph
A new hat? What about the hat I bought you for your birthday?

Alice
You mean the one with all the ostrich feathers on it?

Ralph
That’s the one.

Alice
Some hat. Every time I put it on I feel like burying my head in the ground.

Ralph [Steamed]
What, are you complaining?

Alice
No. I'm not complaining. But my sister’s husband doesn't make anymore than you do, and my sisters always buying dresses, hats and shoes.

Ralph
Yeah, but your sister's husband doesn't have the expenses I do. He lives in a low rent district! And besides what are you always talking about buying clothes. What are you trying to do? Get on the list of the ten best dressed women?

Alice [Holding broom]
Yeah. I almost made it this year, but the Duchess of Windsor nosed me out!

Ralph
What are you yapping about? The last time I bought a suit it had two pair of pants and one of them was knickers!… And another thing, you know I've never owned a hat. Is that asking too much out of life to have a hat to call my own? Why even horses that pull junk wagons have hats. How do you think I feel when I walk into a restaurant and I walk by the hat check girl and I've got nothing to check? I got feelings, Alice; I'm not made out of iron.

[Alice crosses into bedroom. Ralph doesn't notice this and continues his lament.]

In the summer my heads exposed to the sun's rays. In the winter it's exposed to the cold and the snow. In the spring the rain beats on it. It's a wonder all this hasn't affected my brain… I must have a very thick skull!…

[Alice returns, places hat box on kitchen table, she strikes a pose and Ralph continues to rave.]

You know one of these nights I'm going to be coming home from work with my pay envelope in my hand and I'm going to see a hat store. I'm gonna walk right in and try on the first hat I see and buy it… And that ain't all… I'll buy myself a cap too… For my evening wear!

[He discovers Alice.]

That's what I'll do, Alice. That's what I'll do.

[He notices hat box. Opens it and extract hat.]

For me?

Alice
Yes for you. Happy Easter, Ralph.

Ralph
Gee! It's beautiful.

[He tries on hat.]

Alice
It's a little big… But I can exchange it.

Ralph
You'll do nothing of the kind. I love this hat… I'll put some newspaper in the hat and it'll fit fine. Oh, Alice, just go in the bedroom and look on top of the closet.

Alice
You don't mean you bought me a hat too.

Ralph
Just go in the bedroom and look.

[As Alice exits, Ralph completes putting newspapers into hat and puts it on. Alice enters wearing hat with hat box in hand.]

Alice
Oh, Ralph, it's gorgeous.

[Music sneaks in.]

Ralph
You look beautiful in that hat… Baby, we'll be a riot in that Easter parade…. I'm sorry about the way I hollered before… But I felt a little bad knowin' that I bought you a hat… And the price of eggs got in… I thought you were wastin' money… But it ain't your fault, Alice, I had a rough day today…..

Alice
That's okay, Ralph, I love you.

Ralph
Baby, You're the greatest.

[Blackout]

Episode #48 (Syndicated episode #89)
TV: Attached to "Checkup."
VCR: Attached to "A Promotion."
DVD: Attached to "Two Men On A Horse", "A Promotion" & "Checkup." On the Lost Episodes Restored DVD Box Set, it is attached to “Honeymooners Xmas Party” (’52 version), “Glow Worm Cleaning”, “Alice Plays Cupid”, “Suspense”, “Lost Job”, “Anniversary Gift”, “Income Tax”, “What’s Her Name”, “Alice’s Aunt Ethel”, “Lunch Box”, “Norton Moves In”, “Ralph’s Diet”, “Dinner Guest”, “Manager of The Baseball Team” (’53 version) & “Dorsey Bros. Show.”
Color & Lost Episode Title: “Hot Tip.”
Air Date: Sat. 4/11/53

The script for this episode is at UCLA Library Special Collections Box 109 Folder 18 Harry Crane Collection.

This episode is apparently entitled “Hot Tips”, not “Hot TIP”, that the syndication package says.

Alice is doing her makeup. Ralph comes out and complains that he can't find his other black sock. Alice goes into the bedroom while Ralph takes off the black sock that is on his foot and there's another black sock on it (he put the two black socks on one foot), so he tells Alice about it. Ralph's fly in his pants are open. Ed comes down and is ready to go to the racetrack with Alice and Ralph. He is wearing a loud jacket that he claims is lucky. He won money when he had it on at one time. According to him, the only time it brought him bad luck was the time that he met Trixie. Ralph talks to Ed and walks around the room to hid the fact that he is zippering the zipper in his pants and the studio audience realizes this and laughs loudly. Ralph: "There comes a time in a man's life where he will need a jacket like that." Ralph has picked five sure winners. Ed says that there is no such thing as a sure thing so he tells a story on how one horse couldn't lose and ended up losing because his tail got stuck in the starting gate.

Alice comes out and Ralph argues with her and says: "The next time I take you someplace, I will leave you home." Ha! Ralph asks Ed to give him some money. He has a hot tip on one horse that he thinks is going to win. He is betting $30 on one horse. Ed leaves. Alice wants to know how did Ralph get the $30. He got the money from the rent money. "This is no wild scheme", says Ralph. Ralph knows a bus driver who's got a brother-in-law that knows an uncle and this uncle knows a guy who drives a milk wagon and this milk wagon delivers milk to a barber who cuts the horse's jockey's hair. Alice sarcastically agrees. Ralph says that this horse is a 90-1 shot and when Ralph multiplies 90 times 30, he can't come up with the answer. Gee, that isn't saying too much about Ralph's IQ. Ralph: "We can move into a penthouse and have a nice view of Central Park if we win." Alice says the opposite will happen if they lose.

When word gets out, a bunch of people ask Ralph to place bets for them. Ed comes up and says that there is a policeman coming up to the apartment (thinking that someone is being a bookie). Ralph and Ed panic so Ralph says to put it under the ice box, but Ed says that that won't work. A policeman knocks on the door. Ed: "Just a minute. We are not ready." Ralph suggests putting the list in the faucet, but Ed says that that won't work since the cop may want a drink. Ralph and Norton panic, and Norton tells Ralph to eat the list that he wrote the bets on. Alice tells the cop that the list will prove Ralph's innocence and Ralph discovers that he didn't eat the list after all. (He actually ate the money.) The cop is convinced and leaves.

All I can say is if Jackie really ate the money, I hope he didn't get sick.

Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.

[Frank Gannucci]

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