A Honeymooners July 4th:

[Frank Gannucci]

A Honeymooners July 4th:

(Ralph goes to the sewer to meet Ed.)

Ralph (yelling into the sewer): “NORTON!”

(“NORTON” echoes.)

Ed (from sewer, yells): “BE RIGHT UP RALPH.”

(“BE RIGHT UP RALPH.” Echoes.)

(Ralph takes his seat. Ed comes up.)

Ed: “Whaddaya say there Ralph?”

Ralph: “Norton, I am going to be famous. Guess what I am going to be participating in this July 4th.”

Ed: “What?”

Ralph: “The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest. I am going to win that belt and the money that comes along with it. Also, there is another prize which is a trip for two to Miami Beach.”

(Crowd cheers.)

Ed: “Ralph, you are a genius. You are planning on taking me to Miami Beach.”

Ralph: “Not you stupid. Alice.”

Ed: “Oh well. You think like me. I am going to do the same thing.”

Ralph (yells): “WHAT? YOU ARE STEALING MY IDEA?”

Ed (yells): “WHAT DO YOU MEAN STEALING IT? YOU JUST TOLD ME YOUR IDEA.”

Ralph: “I don’t know how you did it, but you stole it. Norton, you are backing out.”

Ed: “No, I am not.”

Ralph: “All right pal. On July 4th, when America celebrates its 140th birthday, you will lose. Just remember this Norton. From here on in, we are DEADLY enemies. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want nothing to do with you. If you see me going down the street, get on the other side.”

Ed: “When you walk down a street, there AIN’T no other side.”

(Ralph walks away.)

(On the night of July 4th, Ralph & Ed have to sit next to each other for the Nathan’s July 4th Hot Dog eating contest. Alice, Trixie and Alice’s Mom are watching.)

Alice’s Mom: “Sonny boy looks like he is built for the job.”

Alice: “Yeah, I just hope he doesn’t get sick.”

Trixie: “I hope that my Ed doesn’t get sick too. He says he hopes that he will be able to fit down the manhole after this contest.”

Host: “On your marks, get set, go.”

(The host fires a gun and scares Ralph.)

(Everyone starts eating the hot dogs. Later on, it boils down to Ralph & Ed. Ralph looks like he is going to win until he throws up at the last second allowing Ed to win.)

Host: “Our new hot dog eating champion is Mr. Ed Norton.”

Ed: “Hey, I won.”

(Ralph looks at Ed angrily.)

Ralph (yells): “NORTON, I HOPE YOU GET REALLY SICK. YOU GOT LUCKY.”

(Ralph throws up again just as Cousin Leo, Alice and Alice’s Mom come by.)

Cousin Leo: “I see that I am also too late for the eats.”

Alice’s Mom: “You may be too late for the eats but not too late to see my son-in-law make a fool of himself.”

Ralph (yells): “YOU ARE A BLABBERMOUTH. A BLAB-ER-MOUTH.”

Cousin Leo: “Ralph, it is…” (slapping Ralph’s back): “…GOOD to see you.”

(Ralph throws up again.)

Ralph (yells): “WHOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Ed: “Sounds like feeding time at the zoo. The last time I heard something like that it was from the elephant’s graveyard.”

Ralph (yells): “OKAY NORTON, PUT ‘EM UP!”

(Everyone tries to separate them and make peace. Fireworks start.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “How sweet it is.”

(Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Let me say as always, the Miami Beach crowds are the BEST!”

(Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: “Let’s introduce the main cast. Jean Kean.”

(Crowd cheers as Jean comes on stage and shakes Jackie’s hand.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(Crowd cheers as Audrey comes on stage and shakes Jackie’s hand.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(Crowd cheers as Art comes on stage and shakes Jackie’s hand.)

Jackie: “Good night everyone.”

(Crowd cheers.)