A Honeymooners XMas Eve:

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Kramdens and Nortons have arrived to cut down a Christmas tree for the Raccoon Christmas Party.)

Alice: "Ralph, why didn't we go buy a Christmas tree instead of wasting a whole day to cut one down. Didn't they invent Christmas tree lots?"

Ralph: "They invented them Alice because people forgot to have an old-fashioned Christmas and they are satisfied with overpriced trees that have no meaning."

Ed: "Ralph, I can't feel my legs."

Ralph: "That's too bad Norton. I'm sure you stepped in freezing cold water down in the sewer."

Ed: "Naw, in the sewer they gave us a heater so it feels like we are in a sauna."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph: "We are living like our forefathers did."

Alice: "Oh Ralph."

(After many hours of searching, they finally find the tree.)

Trixie: "Isn't it a little big Ralph?"

Ralph: "It's not big. It's just full."

Trixie: "I think it looks great...for a tree that should be outdoors."

Ralph: "No one is asking you Trix."

Alice: "Boys, did you remember to bring the saw?"

Ralph: "Norton, hand me the saw."

Ed: "I thought you had it."

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, YOU DON'T MEAN TO TELL ME THAT WE DON'T HAVE THE SAW?"

Ed: "Yes."

Ralph (yells): "YOU STUPID STUPE."

(The boys end up fighting. The girls calm them down. The next scene shows the fact that they dug the tree out of the ground.)

(They arrive at the Raccoon headquarters.)

Brother Cassidy: "Hey Kramden, where are you going to put a tree that big and dirty?"

Ralph: "To quote Clark W. Griswold..."

(Alice clears her throat loudly.)

Ralph: "Now Norton, let's cut the tree and you better not cut my fingers."

Ed: "Relax, I cut a turkey before. Than again I did cut a fork before when I cut a turkey."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph (yells): "WATCH MY FINGERS! WATCH MY FINGERS! WATCH MY FINGERS!"

(After they cut the bottom, Ralph is ready to cut the rope that tied the tree together.)

Ralph: "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Raccoon Christmas tree."

(Ralph cuts it and the tree is so big that it knocks things over and engulfs Ralph.)

Ralph: "Looks great. Little full. Lot of sap."

Ed: "Hey that tree must be big for it to engulf you Ralph."

Ralph (yells): "OKAY NORTON! PUT 'EM UP! PUT 'EM UP! LET'S GO!"

(Everyone calms them down.)

(Later on, Ralph and Ed are putting ornaments on the tree.)

Alice: "The tree looks better. Better than before when you and Ed put all the ornaments in one spot. I still think with the way you are positioning it, it will fall over."

Ralph: "You are wrong. It won't fall. We are done."

(They walk away. The tree falls and all the ornaments get damaged.)

(Later on.)

Alice: "Ralph, I forgot to tell you that my parents are coming. I invited them."

Ralph (yells): "WHAT?"

(They arrive.)

Alice's Mom: "Hi Sonny Boy. I think you will get coal."

Ralph: "All right. They can stay."

Alice's Mom: "We heard that you made a fool of yourself by digging a tree out of the ground because you forgot the hacksaw..."

(Everyone laughs while Ralph looks embarrassed.)

Alice's Mom: "... and that you were engulfed in the tree when you cut the rope and that you positioned the tree so much that when they put the ornaments on, it fell over 10 times."

(Everyone laughs while Ralph looks embarrassed.)

Alice's Mom: "Not to mention that you in the beginning, you put the ornaments in one spot."

(Everyone laughs while Ralph looks embarrassed.)

Ralph (whispers): "Oh, just one swing."

(Pitter patter of feet are heard.)

Ed: "Who's that? It can't be Santa and his reindeer, could it?"

(To be continued.)