Ralph Kramden, a NY NHL fan? (Part 1) (2015)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Islanders beat the Washington Capitals 4-1.)

(Ralph & Ed just watched the game from a bar.)

Ralph: "Those Capitals really had it coming."

Ed: "I'm surprised that our Islanders beat them so easily."

Ralph: "Say with the Islanders splitting their games between the Barclay's Center and the Nassau Coliseum."

Ed: "Why are they doing that?"

Ralph: "Oh, the Coliseum is aging. They are renovating it. Plus, the Islanders want to play in both arenas forever I think. The Coliseum is ancient according to some people. To some people it is a slum."

Ed: "Kind of like your apartment."

Ralph: "Hahahaha. You got that right. I wish that both the Rangers and the Islanders were to advance and face each other. The NY sports media will be all over it."

Ed: "Didn't you mention that you want one of those teams to face Tampa?"

Ralph: "Oh yes. The Rangers and Islanders will be fortunate to be hours away from the sun and fun capital of the world, Miami Beach."

(Crowd cheers.)

Ed: "But those Capitals are tough. They have proven to be."

Ralph: "Yeah, you're right Norton. But, our NY teams will rule the roast."

(They sing a song about the Rangers and Islanders ruling the roast.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!"

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers beat the Pittsburgh Penguins 2-1.)

(Ralph just watched the game from his apartment.)

Ralph: "What a game Alice. The Rangers are for real."

Alice: "I would agree. But, Ralph it is just one game."

Ralph: "Alice, the Rangers just scored first blood. The Penguins momentum has been stalled. They will never be able to mount a successful comeback."

Alice: "You said that in the past regarding other teams and look what happened."

Ralph: "Do you have to bring up those flukes Alice? Huh? I'm going to be celebrating by pounding beer when either one of the NY teams will win the cup."

Alice: "I'm not surprised. I just hope you don't get drunk and come home and say: 'Hey, Mrs. Gallagher, would you get your cat out of my apartment?" You did that in the past only for you to find out that you had your Raccoon hat on backwards."

Ralph: "All right. I won't drink. I will eat."

Alice: "Not a surprise. I just hope you don't eat so much that you hurl all of your dinner out of the window like the time you did last week. The only thing is you got all of the food on Garrity."

Ralph: "He deserved it. He hates ALL NY teams but he will pay."

(Ralph goes over to the window but does NOT stick his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "HEY GARRITY, I HOPE YOU EAT CROW WHEN THE RANGERS OR ISLANDERS WIN THE CUP YOU BUM!"

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN, EVERYONE IN HERE THINKS THAT YOOOOU ARE THE BUM THAT LIVES IN HERE."

(Ralph sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "OH YEAH!"

(Ralph gets doused with water and a pie at the same time. Alice laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP! THAT GARRITY WILL GET HIS."

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. The Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Washington Capitals beat the NY Islanders 4-3.)

(Ralph & Ed just exited out of the Raccoon Lodge.)

Ed: "Tough break Ralph. The Islanders lost. But they still have a good chance of winning."

Ralph: "You are right Norton. Today I had a bad day at work. That should have an omen. Now the Islanders have to win the series at home at Brooklyn or on Long Island."

Ed: "I hope its Brooklyn. I like looking at the Barclay's Center."

Ralph: "Yeah, but it is not as good looking as the Jackie Gleason Theater."

(Crowd cheers.)

Ralph: "Well, we should all hope we get our wish to see the Rangers and Islanders play each other. That series will be a classic and when one of them win the Cup, I will humiliate Garrity by dousing HIM with a Stanley Cup-sized water bucket in retaliation for him doing what he has done to me."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph: "What's so funny?"

Ed: "A few things. What he did for you and I think you won't be able to LIFT a bucket that big even though you wear one."

Ralph (yells): "OKAY NORTON! PUT 'EM UP! PUT 'EM UP!"

(People come by to stop the potential fight.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. Good night everyone."

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Pittsburgh Penguins beat the NY Rangers 4-3.)

(Ralph & Ed just heard the game on the radio while they were on the subway.)

Ralph: "That was a lousy game. How could the Rangers blow a lead like that?"

Ed: "You mean a one goal lead?"

Ralph: "Certainly. I wish I was the goalie for the Rangers. No puck would ever get pass me."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph (yells): "DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT!"

Ed: "Well, I was once a goalie in school. One time a puck hit my head right where my brain is. That part of my head was sore. I went to a doctor to get rid of the pain. When the kids saw me and knew that I went to the doctor, they asked me: 'What did he remove, the pain or the brain?' Hahaha."

Ralph: "You don't have to ask me. I know what he removed."

Ed: "Well, the Rangers still have a chance."

Ralph: "Yeah, but they will have to win at least once in the Steel City. That is going to be hard. But the Penguins won't have Happy Feet, they will have Upset Feet at the hands of the Rangers. Hehehe."

Ed: "Well if the Rangers lose, someone in our building will get a heart attack."

Ralph: "Who?"

Ed: "You?"

(The subway stops.)

Announcer (aka Johnny Olsen on PA): "YANKEE STADIUM."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

(Ed leaves. The door closes.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Islanders beat the Washington Capitals 2-1.)

(Ralph and Ed are having lunch in the bus company locker room.)

Ralph: "That Islander game was great. A thriller. Went into overtime and the Islanders put the Capitals in their place."

Ed: "A two games to one lead Ralphie-boy. Those Capitals better get ready to lose."

(Fred Muller comes by.)

Fred: "What a surprise that you two are following the Rangers and Islanders. I don't know if they will advance Ralph and Ed."

Ralph: "What are you talking about. The other teams can't hold a candle to them."

Ed: "You mean a hockey stick."

(Ralph, Fred & Ed laugh.)

Fred: "You made this kind of claim many times in the past Ralph and almost always you came up short. This time may be no different."

Ralph: "Why don't all of us go see the next hockey playoff game and maybe you will change your mind."

Fred: "Maybe I will Ralph. Thank you."

Ed: "You will see how great the NY area hockey teams are."

(They all sing a song about hockey teams that also includes praise for the Florida Panthers who play in Fort Lauderdale.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE!"

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers beat the Pittsburgh Penguins 2-1.)

(The girls are watching TV in the Norton apartment.)

Trixie: "With the boys at that game tonight, you know that they are going to come home hootin and hollering."

Alice: "Yeah, you're right. They ought to be doing that...right now."

Ralph & Ed (from hallway, yell loudly): "RANGERS! RANGERS! RANGERS!"

(They enter. Crowd applauds.)

Ralph: "Hi girls. What a thriller of a game. We brought Freddie Muller with us."

Ed: "We all had a blast. Wait until you hear what Ralph did."

Alice: "I wish you boys would have more common sense to come in here at this hour hootin' and hollerin' and the top of your lungs."

Trixie: "Yeah."

Ralph: "Tonight is OUR night to howl. I made a bet with Freddie. If the Rangers or Islanders don't win the Cup, I owe him $50. If they do, he owes me $50."

Alice: "Ralph, that was very foolish. You might lose."

Ralph: "Alice, I am very confident. When I am this confident, I can't lose. I got enough confidence in me for all of us."

Alice: "You got enough of EVERYTHING in you for all of us."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

Alice: "How about all those bets that you made in the past to Harvey and you lost."

Ralph: "Those were flukes. Nobody is 100%."

Alice: "You are. You have been WRONG every time."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!" (normally): "I am just like Richard the Lionheart. I have no fear."

Alice: "You are? Richard the Chickenhearted ran further away from me from a snake."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU WANT TO FIGHT ED?"

(Ralph tries to fight Ed. The girls separate.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. THE MIAMI BEACH CROWDS ARE THE BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Washington Capitals beat the NY Islanders 2-1.)

(Ralph & Ed are listening to WFAN in the Kramden apartment. Ralph gets on the phone. Two people named Joe Beningo and Evan Roberts are talking.)

Joe: "Let me tell you something Evan bro. Those Islanders really blew it during that game."

Evan: "Them and the Rangers need to have some consistency in the playoffs. I am so tired of them winning one game and losing the next and so on."

Joe: "Lets talk to a Mr. Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton in Brooklyn."

Ralph: "Hey Joe and Evan. I so wanted the Islanders to win."

Joe: "My man bro."

Ed (on phone): "Let me say that me and my fellow workers love listening to your show when we work in the sewer." (Ralph elbowing Ed): "Oooomph."

Evan: "Uuuuuuuum...thank you."

Joe: "I can safely say bro that I never thought I would see the day when one of our callers admitted that they work in the sewer."

Ralph: "What we are trying to say is that we want either one of those teams to win the Cup. I want to have a championship parade."

Evan: "Us too. We want to see the Rangers meet the Islanders in the next round. It will be great."

Joe: "Me too bro. I think that New York will be upset that once again they will be without a Stanley Cup kingpin if you know what I mean."

Ed: "Like I in the sewer: 'Let the water flows where it mays."

Ralph (yells): "NORTON! We are on a call-in show. In closing, I like to give a shout out to a person who hates New York teams and his name is Garrity from 328 Chauncey Street in Brooklyn. He is a BUM!"

(Joe and Evan laugh.)

Ralph: "Well, lets all say that the Islanders will win."

(They all sing a song about the Islanders winning.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. We couldn't get Joe Beningo and Evan Roberts to come on down here. So, we got their permission to call them and well you all saw it. We did it for your benefit."

(Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Goodnight everyone."

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers beat the Pittsburgh Penguins 2-1.)

(Ralph meets Ed by the sewer.)

Ralph (into the sewer, yells): "HEY NORTON!"

("NORTON" echoes.)

Ed (from sewer, yells): "BE RIGHT UP!"

(While Ralph is eating his lunch, Ed comes up in his sewer attire. Ralph sees this and gets scared.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAAAAAA!...WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?"

Ed: "Sorry Ralph. Boy, what a Ranger game. They..." (gasp!) "...became consistant."

Ralph: "Yeah, we needed that after the Nets lost. Boy, now we are three wins away from an all New York second round."

Ed: "You know something? I watched a documentary on HBO that talked about the 2012 season of the Rangers. I got a new respect for what hockey players and the manager go through. During trips at the end of night games, they have to board planes at 11p and sleep on the flight unless they are playing in the next town as well as look at tapes of their future opponents."

Ralph: "If that doesn't age you, I don't know what will. When all of them retire, they all should move down to Miami Beach."

(Crowd cheers.)

Ed: "What a great idea. You know if the Rangers or Islanders win the Cup, we should give them pointers on how to relax in retirement like watching SpongeBob Squarepants."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph: "But you know what Norton, being a hockey player is a respectable but hard job."

(They both sing a song about how hard hockey players have it.)

(Jack walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!"

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Washington Capitals beat the NY Rangers 5-1.)

(Ralph is pacing around the kitchen.)

Ralph (to himself): "How could the Islanders be that BAD?"

(Ed comes down and blows his nose.)

Ed: "Ralph, it has been a dark, dark day. The Islanders got bloutzed by the Capitals."

Ralph: "Now, the Islanders have to stretch the series to a game 7 to advance."

Ed: "It can happen. We can still have a Rangers/Islanders second round."

Ralph: "You are right Norton. How many times in the past 11 years has a team been down by as much as three games only to win a series?"

Ed: "A lot. To think that the first team to do it in this century was the Red Sox when they beat the New York Yankees."

Ralph: "Don't remind me about THAT Norton."

Ed: "It can be done Ralph. Leads can be blown."

Ralph: "You are right."

Ed: "How about the time when you were playing that baseball game in the arcade? You made a $200 bet with Harvey that you were going to win. During the 9th inning, you blew a 11 run lead and lost the bet."

Ralph (yells): "GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!"

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph (to himself): "He's going to get locked up in a mental institution."

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. The Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers won the Eastern Conference Semifinals, 4 games to 1, by beating the Pittsburgh Penguins 2-1.)

(Alice is sweeping the floor.)

Ralph (from Ed's apartment, yells): "THE RANGERS WIN NORTON! WHAT A GAME!"

Ed (from Ed's apartment, yells): "WHAT A GAME RALPH! DON'T YELL LOUDER. I THINK MIAMI BEACH MAY HEAR YOU."

(Alice rolls her eyes.)

(Alice goes upstairs and meets the boys.)

Alice: "Hi Ed! Ralph, don't yell to loud. People want to sleep."

Ralph: "People like Garrity huh? I don't care. I want to drive him nuts. I so want to see him upset like when the Islanders beat the Capitals. We are going to have a Rangers/Islanders second round."

Ed: "Yes, everything is coming up Ralph & Ed like Milhouse Van Houten on the Simpsons would say."

Alice: "Just tone down your act guys."

Ralph: "Tone down. That is like asking Jackie Gleason and Art Carney to town down their style. Hahahaha!"

Alice: "Well, don't be surprised when you hear about other people's opinion."

Ralph: "All right."

(Ralph goes into the hallway.)

(Later on, Ralph meets Alice in the Kramden apartment.)

Ralph: "Well, all of the people in the building hate the fact that me & Ed are such loud fans."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY RALPH, LOOKS LIKE ALMOST EVERYONE IN THIS PLACE AGREES WITH ME."

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "MCGARRITY, YOU ARE..."

(Ralph gets a face full of water. Alice laughs. Ralph puts his head back in.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP ALICE OR YOU WILL GET IT."

(Jack walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!"

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Islanders beat the Washington Capitals 3-1.)

(Ralph & Ed meet at the doorstep of 328 Chauncey Street.)

Ralph: "Did you hear Norton? The Islanders won. We are now ONE game away from an all NY second round."

Ed: "It will be sweet."

Ralph: "I was surprised by the outcome. I thought the Islanders would beat on the Capitals more."

Ed: "Well, I bet those Capitals are sorry that they blew a chance to win it all."

Ralph: "They probably stewed on the plane ride back to Washington."

Ed: "That will probably cost them the game."

Ralph: "Yeah. Hahahaha! That might work to the Islanders advantage them being so upset. You know Alice is still upset at me n regards to that bet I made with Freddie Muller. She isn't smart. She must not want to be rich. I have the bigger brain in the family."

(Ed starts to say something.)

Ralph (yells): "DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT!"

Ed: "Well, you do have brains."

Ralph: "I do."

Ed: "You can think of smart things to get yourself out of the dumb things you get yourself into all the time."

Ralph (pointing to the doors): "You know what this means Ed?"

Ed: "Yes, I do."

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!"

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Washington Capitals won the Eastern Conference Semifinals, 4 games to 3, by beating the NY Islanders 2-1.)

(Ralph is sitting at the dining room table. He is upset.)

Alice: "Ralph, look on the bright side. The Rangers got into the second round and they can still get the Cup."

Ralph: "Yeah, but now the odds of a NY team getting the Cup has decreased. Now, the Rangers will meet the Capitals in the second round and not the Islanders. I bet both teams would love to face each other in the playoffs. Less travel."

Alice: "Well, I know you want the Rangers to beat the Capitals."

Ralph: "I sure do. I want blood. I want REVENGE. I want to get EVEN."

(Ed comes down all upset.)

Ed: "Ralph, it has been a dark, dark day. The Islanders LOST. We will never get to see a Rangers/Islanders second round."

Ralph: "You know what, I also want the Tampa Bay Lightning to play the Rangers. The Rangers will have the opportunity to be several hours away from that fun and sun capital of the world, Miami Beach."

(Crowd cheers.)

Ralph: "Now, I owe money to that Freddie Muller due a big bet that I made. I have a BIIIIIG mouth."

Ed: "Well, you need to have a BIIIIIG mouth to go with your BIIIIIIIIIIG stomach."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GEEEEET OUT!"

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE."

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Washington Capitals beat the NY Rangers 2-1.)

(Ralph & Ed board the subway home.)

Ed: "What a sad night Ralph."

Ralph: "Those lousy Capitals had to score with one second remaining. I thought for sure that the game would go into overtime."

Ed: "Those Capitals celebrating was a terrible sight."

Ralph: "Yes. I sooo want the Caps to be punished for eliminating the Islanders. There's still hope Norton. After all, the Rangers will beat the Capitals and when that happens, all the Capitals will be lowercase. Hahaha."

Ed: "Also tomorrow, you have to deal with that Joe Fenstablau. Joe is going to rub it in your face that the Rangers lost."

Ralph: "If he does that, he's going to get it. I want the Rangers to meet the Lightning in the third round. After all, if you can play hockey in Florida you can play it anywhere."

Ed: "That is so right. That team in Tampa is tough."

Ralph: "But, we know that the Rangers are New York."

(They all sing a song about the Rangers being New York.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. How about for Art Carney?"

(Crowd cheers as Art comes on stage and shakes Jackie's hand.)

Jackie: "Good night."

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers beat the Washington Capitals 3-2.)

(Ralph & Ed just got off the bus at Chauncey Street.)

Ed (yells): "WHAT A THRILLER RALPH-IE BOY!"

Ralph (yells): "I CAN FEEL IT NORTON! THE CAPITALS ARE GOING TO GET PUNISHED."

Ed: "Now, we can rest assurred that there would be at least a game 5."

Ralph: "What a series pal. We are now six wins away from a Lightning/Rangers third round. We could have been three but noooo the Capitals had to beat our Islanders. Robbing us of an Islanders/Rangers third round."

Ed: "What a shame."

Ralph: "I can't wait to see the look on Joe Fenstablau's face on Monday. Hahaha."

Ed: "What a loss for that poor, misguided soul Joe Fenstablau."

(Ed goes by the sewer.)

Ed (yells): "THE RANGERS WON!"

Man (from sewer, yells): "GOOD!"

Ralph: "Now, we can see game three on Monday."

Ed: "Oh, I can't. My mom-in-law is coming."

Ralph: "Put your foot down. Say to Trixie that you rather watch the game with me."

Ed: "When do I duck?"

Ralph: "You don't duck. Tell her you rather watch the game with me."

Ed (yells): "HEY TRIXIE, I RATHER WATCH THE GAME ON MONDAY...BUT I WILL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO STAY HOME THAN BE WITH RALPH."

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT NORTON! PUT' EM UP! PUT 'EM UP!"

(Ralph holds up his fists while people try to separate the two.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD DAY EVERYONE!"

(Crowd cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Washington Capitals beat the NY Rangers 1-0.)

(Ralph walks into the Kramden apartment.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph. I suggest from the look on your face that the Rangers lost."

Ralph: "Oh yeah. They lost by one goal. I was watching in the pool room. What a shame. There is one BUM on the Capitals team that has the nerve of having the last name called Gleason. He isn't worthy of having the same last name as Jackie."

(Crowd cheers.)

Alice: "You know Ralph. The Rangers still have a chance."

Ralph: "Oh, I know that. But, it would be sooo much better if the Rangers won. I want to see the Rangers face the Lightning in the next round."

Alice: "Ralph, just look at it this way. If the Rangers lost, there is always next year and the year after."

Ralph: "Yeah, I guess you are right."

(Ed comes down and blows his nose.)

Ed (starting to cry): "What a shame Ralph. I had to watch the game with Trixie's mom and she saw the trainwreck of a game. The Rangers looked like me out of water."

Ralph: "Norton, there's always next time."

Ed: "You are right. We got to keep a stiff upper lip even though the Rangers may get outplayed and outmatched..."

(Ralph starts to get madder and madder.)

Ed: "...and compile loss after loss after loss after..."

Ralph (yells): "GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!"

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. I just want to point out that Tim Gleason of the Capitals and me are not related and he is worthy of having the same last name as me."

(Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "The Miami Beach crowds are the BEST!"

(Crowd cheers.)