The IT Crowd: Born to Be Wild

[Race's Girl]

(The episode opens up to bikers riding through London setting them on fire after they ride by)

Roy: (hears motorcycles approaching. As they do, Roy hangs onto ones jacket) The "Ild Ones"! That's a strange name. (jacket tears) Oh poop!! [rolls in the cement] Bye "Ild Ones". I like your silly name. Hmm..."w". Oh, oh, they're not the "Ild Ones". They must be the "Wild Ones".

Northern guy: (dressed in farmer outfit with a pick-ax in his hand) The Wild Ones?! Muddy Melissa! Don't you know who the Wild Ones are, son?!

Roy: No; I don't know who you are either.

Northern guy: Why, they're the most ferocious, bloodthirsty biker gang in London. They've destroyed entire cities in an afternoon! (laughs maniacally then jumps back into the hole he was digging)

Roy: Bloodthirsty bikers? And they're headed straight for Bikini Bottom! I've got to warn everybody! I better take the shortcut!

(Later at Reinholm Industries)

Roy: Guys!

Jen: Roy, where the sodding hell did you come from?

Roy: There's no time for that, Jen. Grab something heavy! Bar the door! Board up the windows. We've got to protect the business. We must survive!

Douglas: Settle down, for God's sake. What are you all riled up about?

Roy: Bikers... coming... nasty... ferocious... take... over... town. Destroy... must hide!

Moss: What are you going on about? Bikers?

Roy: The Wild Ones are coming, dipstick. They're the most vicious, ravenous herd of hooligans in London.

Douglas: Ravenous, did you say? That's another word for hungry, isn't it? (Cut to later where a sign hangs that reads 'WELCOME WILD ONES!') Welcome, Wild Ones! They'll be drawn here like a sailor at a tattoo parlor. With the special biker parking and authentic biker decor with real bloodstains. And to top it off, a custom chopper patty. And best of all, I'll raise me prices 150%. I'll make a fortune.

Jen, Moss and Roy: Douglas, this is serious!

Douglas: (to Moss) Roy needs a vacation -- unpaid of course. (cut to The Wild Ones 25 miles from London. Cut to Roy, Jen and Roy at Frank B's Diner)

Roy: An evil gang of bikers are coming to ravage London.

Moss: Huh.

Jen: Moss, didn't you hear what Roy said?

Moss: Oh, I heard you. What I didn't hear was a hello.

Jen and Roy: Hello, Moss.

Moss: Hello, Roy and Jen. Bloodthirsty bikers! We got to hide! (Both Roy and Moss run and scream then run into each other. Both run and scream again and keep hitting each other till they run through the Bentall Centre. Both hide in Waterstone's until Jen drags them out)

Moss: (jumps behind Roy) Hide me!

Roy: (jumps behind Moss) No, hide me!

Moss: (jumps behind Roy) Hide me!

Roy: (jumps behind Moss) Me!

Moss: (jumps behind Roy) No, me!

Roy: (jumps behind Moss) Me!

Moss: (jumps behind Roy) Me!

Roy: (jumps behind Moss) Me!

Jen: No! No more running.

Roy and Moss: What?

Jen: Those bikers think they're so tough. With their leather hats (points to her head) and their leather trousers. (points to her legs)

Roy: (points to his feet) And their leather socks.

Moss: If we dressed up like that then we'd be the big scary bikers and they'd be little bitches.

Jen: Say that again, Moss.

Moss: Little bitches?

Roy: No, no, not that part. The part about dressing up like big, scary bikers. (Scene changes to Moss, Jen and Roy all putting on biker clothes. Roy and Moss put on biker trousers while Jen puts on a leather skirt and fishnet tights, Roy stretches his feet out to put on his biking boots, Moss puts on a denim jacket and Jen ties a chiffon scarf around her neck)

Roy: What do you think, guys? Do I look though?

Moss: I wouldn't mess with ya.

Jen: Nor I with you, boys. Let's ride.

(Cut to later where Roy and Moss are riding motorbikes with Jen on Roy's bike. Zoom out to show they are riding motorbikes] Fear not. There is no need to panic. The Reinholm bad boys are here.

Teenage boy: Ooh, I feel protected now.

Teenage girls: Those are some mean looking rides, dudes. (chuckles)

Jen: Boys, it's working. They think we're...vicious bikers. (cut to Reinholm Industries) People, you're salvation is here.

Moss: (drools) See?

Jen and Roy: Moss, that's your salivation.

Moss: Oh.

Roy: So, Richmond, are you ready to do your part?

Richmond: Does that part include laughing at you? Cause you lot look even more idiotic than usual.

Roy: Don't we look vicious and bloodthirsty?

Moss: I'm bloodthirsty. See? (shows a cup with the word 'BLOOD' on it. He takes a sip) Want some, Jen?

Jen: Oh, no thanks, Moss. I'm drinking diet blood.

(All three of them take sips of their drinks)

Roy: See, Richmond? We walk the walk but can we talk the talk? Do you want to join our biker gang?

Richmond: No, I don't.

Jen: What about our biker club?

Richmond: No.

Roy: How about our biker organization?

Richmond: No! I don't want to join your biker alliance, outfits, or your fellowships.

Jen: What about our coalition?

Moss: Ooh, I don't know. That one's pretty exclusive.

Jen: We'll just put you down as undecided.

(Richmond groans and walks away)

Roy: Hi, Douglas. We're the Reinholm bad boys and we're bad to the bone.

Moss: We're bad.

Roy: We're bad.

Jen: We're bad.

Moss: We're bad.

Roy: We're bad.

Jen: We're bad.

Moss: We're bad.

Roy: We're bad.

Jen: We're bad.

Moss: We're bad.

Roy: We're bad.

Jen: We're bad.

Moss: We're bad.

Roy, Jen and Douglas: Enough already.

Douglas: This'll be great. Those bikers can work up an appetite beating you up in the parking lot. Then they can fill up on delicious burgers then they can beat you up again.

Roy: Please, Douglas. We're going to run off those bikers and save the town.

Douglas: You're not running anyone off. You can stay and get beat up in the parking lot if you wish.

Jen: Then can we save the town?

Richmond: Has it ever crossed your mind that you might be getting all worked up over nothing?

Roy: Richmond, when have I ever been known to over-react?

Richmond: Roy, you always over-react to everything. One of your many annoying traits.

◾SpongeBob: [gasps] Me? Annoying? [annoying laughter. Squidward growls] Yeah right.
◾Squidward: You are so wrong about everything, SpongeBob, that the only thing that I am completely sure about is that there is no motorcycle gang headed this way. [motorcycles approaching] What was that?
◾Mr. Krabs: Ahoy there, mateys. Motorcycle vehicles headed over the horizon.
◾Squidward: What? [grabs binoculars] Gimme that. [sees them coming. His eyes pop through the binoculars as he screams] Don't just stand there, save us.
◾SpongeBob: Patrick, I know this looks like the end, but you and I can get through anything. As long as do it together. [Patrick is already running away] Patrick? Patrick! [Patrick is headed into Jellyfish Fields and to the bus stop where a bus picks him up and takes him to a plane. Patrick jumps out of the plane and onto a rocket ship] Well, it's just you and me, Squidward. But I want you to know that we can get through this. As long as we...
◾Squidward: Panic! Run for your lives! [customers gasp] The Wild Ones are coming! [everyone screams and runs]
◾Lenny: The Wild Ones? [jumps into a sardine box] Mable, get the kids! [Mable jumps into the sardine box with Susie and Tyler and then closes it]
◾Charlie: Honey, I got the napkins. Oh, what I have missed this time?
◾Squidward: [running out of the Krusty Krab] Please don't kill me. I want to join you. It's been my life-long dream to be to be a member of a motorcycle gang. I even knitted my own Wild Ones jacket. [shows a shirt with a skull on it] I want to ride to live and live to ride. [screams as the bikers ride in a circle around him] I'll do whatever you want. I'll betray my friends and neighbors. Just let me live.
◾Biker #1: What's that, missy?
◾Biker #2: What?
◾Biker #1: Howdy, we're the "Mild Ones".
◾SpongeBob: Mild Ones? [turns the W upside down] Oh!
◾Biker #1: Gimme back my M. Let's go, boys.
◾Mr. Krabs: Don't you want to spend any money?
◾Biker #1: Don't you want to kiss the seat of my pants? Let's ride. [bikers ride off]
◾SpongeBob: Good-bye. They seem really nice. Hey, where's Squidward?
◾Squidward: Woo-hoo-hoo! [riding with the biker gang] Ride to live and live to ride!