The Kramdens & Nortons going to France skit:

[Frank Gannucci]

Note: Since I am going to France, I thought I would write this.

(The Kramdens and Nortons arrive at the airport. They are all ready for the trip.)

Ralph: "Boy, I can't wait until this plane leaves Philadelphia International Airport and we leave for our riverboat cruise in France. I can't wait to see the Eiffel Tower."

Alice: "Me too Ralph. This will be a real treat."

Trixie: "We haven't been to France in a long time. Now why, did we have to leave Philly International Airport when we could have taken a New York one?"

Alice: "Because Ralph was so stupid. He thought that the airline coming out of here to Europe costed less money so he made the deal. Only than, he realized his huge gaffe."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

Ed: "I love going on cruises. I love seeing all that water floating into sewers."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph: "Well, I need some food. Norton why don't you and me get some Philly cheeesteaks."

Alice: "Don't eat too many of them Ralph. You might get sick."

Ralph: "Relax. I never eat too much. I am fit as a fiddle."

(Alice looks at Ralph's stomach.)

Ralph (yells): "DON'T SAY IT ALICE!"

(Ralph & Ed get the lunch than leave.)

(They arrive at Paris, France. They meet Alice's parents that are already there.)

Alice's Mom: "Hi Alice! Hello everyone!"

Alice's Dad: "Hello everyone! How was the flight?"

Alice: "Terrible. Ralph had to throw up ten times because he ate ten Philly Cheesesteaks and drink five sodas and five beers against my wishes. He became the first person in I think aviation history to throw up not once on a flight, but ten times. He threw up in the aisle, seats and held up the bathroom for about eight hours. People complained."

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!"

Alice's Mom: "What is the first thing we should see in Paris?"

Ralph: "I know."

Ralph: "What am I going to do?" (singing): "When I arrive in Paris, I am going to explore/The many famous things that Paris is famous for/I am going to visit all the smart cafes and have a round of drinks/When I arrive in Paris, I am going to see the Sphinx..."

Everyone: "THE SPHINX?"

Ralph: "Yeah, the Sphinx."

Everyone: "IN PARIS, THERE'S A SPHINX?"

Everyone including Ralph (sing): "You can see it in Paris."

(Everyone boards the ship.)

Captain (through bullhorn): "ALL ASHORE THAT'S GOING ASHORE."

(The ship's horns sounds.)

(Ralph & Ed are on the ship's dock.)

Ralph: "Well, here we are Norton. On the ship's dock. Let's sit down."

(They sit down.)

Ed: "Can you put the blanket on me?"

Ralph: "Sure."

(Ralph does.)

Ralph: "Can you put my blanket on me?"

Ed: "Sure."

(Ed gets up and puts the blanket on Ralph.)

Ed: "Now, do the smae thing for me?"

(Ralph starts to, but stops.)

Ralph: "You are not going to get me that easy."

(Ed starts to write a postcard.)

Ed: "'Dear Harry: Having a wonderful time. Give my regards to Bruce. Signed Ed Norton.' 'Dear Bruce: Having a wonderful time. Give my regards to Harry. Signed Ed Norton.' 'Dear Smith: Having a wonderful time. Give my regards to Bruce and Harry. Signed Ed Norton.' 'Dear Nat: Having a wonderful time. Give my regards to Bruce, Harry & Smith. Signed Ed Norton.' 'Dear O' Hara: Having a wonderful time. Give my regards to Bruce, Harry, Nat & Smith but they might be busy giving regards to each..."

Ralph (yells): "STOP THAT!"

(Ed starts to walk around the ship. He goes into the life savingboat.)

Ralph: "Norton, don't go in that boat. It's dangerous. Suppose, the boat's rope gets loose and you fall in?"

Ed: "Big deal. I know how to swim. I work in the sewer you know."

(Ralph goes to Ed and goes into the boat.)

Ralph: "Norton, come on get out of the boat."

(The boat's rope rips because of Ralph's weight.)

Ralph & Ed (falling, yells): "DUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

(Splash!)

(Two men walk by.)

Man #1: "Nothing ever happens on these riverboat cruises."

Man #2: "Let's just hope that this boat doesn't get hit by a big wave."

(The boys get rescued. They are soaking wet.)

Alice: "Ralph & Ed, how could you do such a thing?"

Ed: "Well, it was partially Ralph's fault. He needs to lose weight. When we hit the water, Ralph looked like an island."

(Ralph is getting seasick.)

Ed: "Come on Ralph. Time to sing: "'I never felt better in my life.'"

Ralph (sings): "I never felt better in my..." (not singing): "Whooaaaaaaaaaa!...Now, I feel better."

Alice's Mom: "Better get ready for a fart."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells to Ed): "SHUT UP!"

(Ralph and Alice's mother have a shouting match with everybody playing peacemaker.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie (yells): "THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT."

(Audience cheers.)