Lovejoy vs the Suffolk Zombies

[Race's Girl]

Chapter 1

It was a typical Saturday morning in Suffolk, nothing special. Lovejoy and Tinker were already hard at work planning a trip to Romford while Eric did his usual lumping around.

"Lovejoy, do you have any idea how preposterous that idea is?!" asked Tinker asked loudly and rhetorically. "It's not even anywhere near Halloween! No one will want to go into a haunted house! It's out of season!"

"Sure they will! Remember what I said before: 'You can do anyone with the right bait at any time!'" said Lovejoy.

"Please, Lovejoy! The only one who would possibly fall for this one is Jane and you know Alexander will talk her out of it one way or another!" said Tinker.

"You actually think that psycho talks to Janey?" asked Lovejoy.

"As unfeasible as it sounds, yes!" Tinker returned.

"Hey, guys!" Eric shouted.

"What do you want, Eric?" asked Lovejoy and Tinker both sighing.

"Who wants to go to the Liberty Centre in Romford?" asked Eric.

"We're broke, lad." said Lovejoy.

"No, we ain't." said Eric holding out his hands. Lovejoy ran over and quickly frowned.

"Eric, those are bottlecaps." said Lovejoy.

"YUP! Antique bottlecaps, Lovejoy!" corrected Eric.

"Eric, you can't trade bottlecaps for money," snapped Tinker. "That's why Lovejoy and myself need to make a plan to make money."

"Like I was saying, a haunted house would be a good plan," said Lovejoy. "Eric could be a zombie, you could be a ghost, Tink!"

"Now, Lovejoy, you know I don't have any sort of training or experience in this area! How would I make a good ghost?" asked Tinker.

"All we have to do is study some of old horror films while we work out the kinks in the plan." said Lovejoy.

"YEAH, BABY!" Eric shouted, a giant grin flooding his countenance.

"Well, Eric seems to be enthused about the plan. I guess we could try it. What have we got to lose?" Tinker consented.

"I get to be a zombie mutant brain muncher from Mars, right?" Eric asked shaking his arms out from side to side.

"Shut up, Eric," said Lovejoy. "Let's just go grab your movies and make for inside after shopping in Romford!"

"Why after, Lovejoy?" asked Eric.

"You have the best equipment to design our haunted house, that's why! Come on!" said Lovejoy as he charged from the lane towards his car. Eric followed closely, arms flapping behind him like two socks in the wind. Tinker sighed and followed his friends to the boss's car.

[Race's Girl]

Chapter 2

Hours later at Felsham Hall, Lovejoy and Lady Jane where talking while Tinker was reading the book learning about Zombies.

"If a zombie bites you become a zombie, you wander the earth as the living dead until the spell is broken." read Tinker.

"This book is also a spell book, maybe there's something we can do to bring Biscuit back." said Lovejoy. "How to sell your soul in a buyer's market, how to get your skeleton's their whitest, how to rise the dead."

And so they went to the pet cemetery where tomb stones reading "Ran the Goldfish", "Polly the Parakeet", "Star the Hamster", "Cherry the Cat" "Hoppy the Rabbit", "Fido the Dog", "Swimmers the Turtle", "Foxy the Fox", "Hissy the Snake", "Mojo the Monkey" and "Lulu the Frog". The three of them hid behind a tombstone to find Jane's husband Alexander dressed in a cape wearing Michel Jackson's Thriller on his head… or was it the Clash's London Calling? One of those.

"Colin, Rayburn, Nars, Trebek!" read Alexander.

"I don't think that's a good idea." whispered Jane getting scared.

"Too late now." sighed Lovejoy.

Little did they know in the human cemetery next to it, strange things were happening.

"Zabars, Kresge, Caldor, Walmart!" Alexander continued.

And that's when Zombies came out of the ground in the cemetery.

"It's not working!" cried Lovejoy.

That's when Alexander looked at the nearby cemetery.

"Zombies!" shouted Jane and Lovejoy as the three of them ran.

"According to this book, they prefer to be called the living impaired." said Tinker as the three of them ran to Lovejoy's cottage which meant they ran passed Lovejoy Antiques when some of the zombie's banged on the door.

"What the…" said DCI Dennis Hardwick who was outside Lovejoy Antiques who some bizarre reason.

"Brains… brains…" moaned the zombie.

"What the hell, are you dead?" he asked.

That was when they attacked him. Later, Lovejoy, Tinker and Jane got inside the house and decided to warn Eric who was watching the sitcom Bottom on TV.

"Eric, it's bad!" yelled Jane as she sat beside Eric.

"Did you wreck Lord Felsham's Mercedes?" asked Eric.

No!" yelled Tinker.

"Did you raise the dead?" asked Eric.

"Yes!" yelled Lovejoy.

"But the car's fine?" asked Eric.

"Yes!" said Jane, Lovejoy and Tinker.

"Okay then!" said Eric with shrug.

[Race's Girl]

Meanwhile at the Mike Kennedy Detective Agency near Lovejoy Antiques, Eric's best friend Mike Kennedy was working on a case when he got a call.

"Michael, we need you come to the store… and bring that big juicy scientist brain of yours." said Tinker.

"I already heard about that Zombie apocalypse going on there so I'll be there if I don't get eaten." said Mike hanging up.

"What do you mean there's a Zombie apocalypse going on in this crazy town?" asked Tinker.

"There is…. according to what Lorraine Kelly said on TV-AM this morning." said Lady Jane as Mike arrived.

"Then we'll go fight them, destroy them then convert them to outside." said Lovejoy as if he'd seen Dawn of the Dead numerous times.

"Actually, Lovejoy, these zombies are different than ours, if they bite you, you become one… and you'll need to eat brains." Eric explained.

"Oh… then never mind…" said Mike.

Since the sun didn't set yet, everyone was preparing from shotguns to a chainsaw as Lovejoy asked "Eric, did you barricade the door yet?"

"No, why?" asked Eric lifting one of the headphones he was wearing while listening to Def Leppard's Hysteria when he suddenly remembered "Oh right, the Zombies…"

That's when Zombies climbed aboard.

"Brains!" they shouted.

"Leave my team alone! Take me instead!" shouted Eric.

"Eric!" cried Mike and Lady Jane in union.

"Don't worry, Eric's a brainless idiot so they'll turn into idiots anyway." said Lovejoy.

"That and it's Alexander's damn fault…" mumbled Tinker. Within the hour, Lovejoy, Lady Jane, Mike and Tinker all escaped to the workshop/shed while the zombies swarmed Eric. They checked his ear, then thumped on his head which made a nice hollow sound.

"Brains! Brains!" the zombies shouted pushing Eric away. Eric in turn glared at them then to the workshop/shed.

"What happened, Eric?" asked Lady Jane as Eric entered the workshop/shed.

"They didn't want me…" muttered Eric.

"I told they wouldn't take him." said Lovejoy.

"Now's not the time." stated Tinker.

"Maybe there's a way to reverse that spell." Mike suggested.

"You're right, Michael, back to the library!" said Tinker.

"You returned the book?" asked Eric and Lovejoy in union.

"Exactly, I didn't want to pay an overdue library book." said Tinker.

"It looks like we're going to have to get that book back." sighed Lovejoy.

"But the library's closed." said Lady Jane as Eric grabbed a shotgun.

"Quick, to the library." said Eric and so knowing they would have to go together as a group, they headed to the library.

[Race's Girl]

For the next few minutes, Eric was shooting zombies left, right and centre as Mike, Lovejoy, Lady Jane and Tinker all looked on and that was when they ran into a zombie Dennis who asked "Hey, Lovejoy, I'm feeling a mighty puckish, mind if I chew your ear?"

Before Lovejoy could say anything, Dennis lunged at him and that was when Eric shot him.

"Eric, you just killed the Zombie DCI Hardwick." said Mike.

"He was a Zombie?" asked Eric.

High above the planet, two green octopus like aliens were watching, they were Kang and Kodos (as this writer believes that there should at least be one Simpsons character in this story)

"The Zombies have the humans on the run." said Kodos.

"Yes and soon the people there will whither and fall like the plums we saw on the observer-scope" laughed Kang and the two began to laugh menacingly.

Back in Suffolk, Lovejoy, Lady Jane, Tinker, Eric and Mike all at the library to find Eric and Mike's African friend Ignatious 'Iggy' Sesay munching on a Zombie Arm.

"Not you too, Iggy." said Mike.

"I'm not a zombie! This is Black Beard's arm." said Iggy dropping the arm.

"Okay…" said Eric as Mike stood behind him.

"Oh look! It's various dead celebrities!" shouted Iggy and it was up to Eric to get rid of those dead as he left Mike with Iggy and went after them with the shotgun.

"Die, John!" shouted Eric as he shot the zombie John Lennon who fell to the ground. "Eat lead, Billy." The bullet went into the zombie Billy Fury who fell to the ground dead. "Sorry, Elvis." Eric said this as he hit Elvis with the butt of the shotgun.

"Thank you very much." said zombie Elvis as he died and that was when Iggy began to kick him a lot.

"Why are you kicking him?" asked Mike.

"Long story…" said Iggy with a shrug.

"Come on! Let's go!" shouted Eric as the three of them got in the room where Lovejoy and Lady Jane barricaded the door as Tinker found the book and grabbed.

"Kolchak, Mannix, Banacek, Dano" read Tinker and that was when Mike suddenly turned into a giant snail, everyone gasped in horror.

"What?" asked the Mike snail.

"I hate to say this to you but Tink turned you into a snail." said Lovejoy.

"Oh bugger." said Mike.

"If you don't reverse the spell, I'm kicking your ass." yelled Eric advancing on Tinker who gulped and nodded.

"Trojan, Ramses, Magnum, Sheiks!" read Tinker and that was when a light came out of the book causing the zombies to retreat and turning Nami back to normal. The Zombies went back to the graveyard, reburied themselves and all was right with the world.

"I am glad to say that the zombies that were once attacking are now just rotten corpses lining our streets." said the mayor of Suffolk giving a speech the next morning.

"Yay!" cheered the town's people.

"So is there going to be a movie version of this?" asked Eric that afternoon while watching Mike and Angelo with Lady Jane and Mike.

"We'll see." said Lady Jane."

"That always means no." said Eric as Lovejoy entered the living room.

"I know, son but you nearly destroyed the world with zombies and Tink turned Mike into a giant snail." said Lovejoy.

"Don't worry, I'm back to normal." said Mike.

"We know." groaned Lovejoy rolling his eyes.