How Much Say So Should Mothers Have in Weddings? - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

RoryGilmore · 02-07-2013, 03:48 PM

My mother is attempting to take everything over and it is driving me insane. My shower invitations are about to go out and my mother is all of a sudden going nuts over who is invited. I have family all over the States and the shower is being hosted by one of my bridesmaids in our college town. Which is about 30 minutes or so from my hometown. My mother thinks every female we've ever met should be invited o this thing and I disagree and have told her so. I want it to be a small intimate event and not invite some long lost great aunt that lives 1,000 miles away. Am I overreacting or should my mother have more control over things then she's getting?

JamesG · 02-07-2013, 04:02 PM

I'd say it should be 100% yours and your future husband's say.

Sometimes things get complicated when the parents (on both sides) are flipping the bills so there might be some leverage involved. I don't know what the case is for you.

I'd say that the parents should be free to give advice, but to go and make demands is going too far. It's your wedding, not your mother's.

RoryGilmore · 02-07-2013, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JamesG

I'd say it should be 100% yours and your future husband's say.

Sometimes things get complicated when the parents (on both sides) are flipping the bills so there might be some leverage involved. I don't know what the case is for you.

I'd say that the parents should be free to give advice, but to go and make demands is going too far.

Shes helping pay for the wedding but my bridesmaids are doing the shower one their own.

My mother is very forceful and has gotten used to getting her way most of her life and is having issues with the fact that she doesnt always get her way when it comes to my fiance and my's life.

JamesG · 02-07-2013, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RosewoodPrettyLiar

Shes helping pay for the wedding but my bridesmaids are doing the shower one their own.

My mother is very forceful and has gotten used to getting her way most of her life and is having issues with the fact that she doesnt always get her way when it comes to my fiance and my's life.

That's something she has to deal with and learn to accept. You have to be firm and say that you have your own lives.

If you don't try to put a stop to it now, then your mother will probably try to take control over every major future event for you and your family.

Penny Lane · 02-07-2013, 04:11 PM

What I did was to have 2 bridal showers. One for friends(given by a friend of ours from church) and the other for relatives(given by my aunt). That worked out fine. That way each shower was more intimate with fewer guests at each.

RoryGilmore · 02-07-2013, 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Penny Lane

What I did was to have 2 bridal showers. One for friends(given by a friend of ours from church) and the other for relatives(given by my aunt). That worked out fine. That way each shower was more intimate with fewer guests at each.

If I didnt live 6+ hours away from all my friends and family I would've done that but there's only so many of those trips I can make in one year with my own wedding and 2 cousins weddings all being in the same year

shotzette · 02-07-2013, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RosewoodPrettyLiar

My mother is attempting to take everything over and it is driving me insane. My shower invitations are about to go out and my mother is all of a sudden going nuts over who is invited. I have family all over the States and the shower is being hosted by one of my bridesmaids in our college town. Which is about 30 minutes or so from my hometown. My mother thinks every female we've ever met should be invited o this thing and I disagree and have told her so. I want it to be a small intimate event and not invite some long lost great aunt that lives 1,000 miles away. Am I overreacting or should my mother have more control over things then she's getting?

Your wedding day belongs to you and your fiance; period, end of story. However, if you let someone pay for things you are giving them permission to butt in.

If you and your fiance want control of your wedding, you need to have a ceremony/reception/honeymoon/whatever that you two can afford to pay for on your own.

Best wishes!

catlover79 · 02-08-2013, 03:49 AM

I'd tell her as gently as I could to BACK OFF!! It's your wedding day, not hers.

I hope and pray all goes well with you and your intended.

P.S. Your wedding is exactly one week before my brother's. How cool is that?

RoryGilmore · 02-08-2013, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by catlover79

I'd tell her as gently as I could to BACK OFF!! It's your wedding day, not hers.

I hope and pray all goes well with you and your intended.

P.S. Your wedding is exactly one week before my brother's. How cool is that?

I did and it went surprisingly well considering my mother. One of the people she wanted to invite was my grandpa's ex and I didnt want any drama and the other was a grandmother that is going through intense chemo 12 hours from the shower location and I dont want to send her a shower invitation knowing that she wont be able to get away for it because I feel it will depress her.

The Flying Dutchmans · 02-08-2013, 12:01 PM

I say none. It is your day to be happy. She had hers already and now it's your time. She can by all means make suggestions, but the final decisions should be yours. And if she were a caring mother, she would respect that. If you let her make the decisions, than its her wedding, not yours.

Coffeecup · 02-08-2013, 05:35 PM

I would say 50% for you and your husband to be. 25% his mother, 25% your mother. Well maybe thats too much. 80% you and husband to be and 10% each for the mother. They are your family.

Janice · 02-08-2013, 06:19 PM

It's your wedding, and everything should be you and your fiancee's decision. It is customary to allow both sides of the family to invite people they want to attend. Perhaps you can give them a certain number to limit their list to. Beyond that, just remember that it's your day.

I got married many years ago. My mother was cool, but my husband's mother had too much to say. We had a night wedding, and I didn't want children there. There were a bunch of kids on my husband's side, and it would have looked like a daycare if I invited them all. His mother drove me nuts about this. Finally, I told her that only his sisters' kids could attend, and that was still a lot. Still, it was a compromise.

Another issue was having wine at each table. I didn't think it was necessary. We had an open bar for an hour with hor'dourves before sitting down. We also had a champage toast at each table. We felt that was enough. It would cost an extra $800 to have red and white wine at each table, and I told her that we couldn't afford it. Next thing I know, she sent us a check for $400 with a note saying this was for her half of the wine. I just sucked it up and had the wine. Lots of other things, but those two examples were the biggest.

I wish I did what I wanted, and I think you should. Give a little on some areas that really don't matter. Good luck.

Retro4Life · 02-08-2013, 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Flying Dutchmans

I say none. It is your day to be happy. She had hers already and now it's your time. She can by all means make suggestions, but the finals decisions should be yours. And if she were a caring mother, she would respect that. If you let her make the decisions, than its her wedding, not yours.

EXACTLY!

JamesG · 02-08-2013, 07:32 PM

I was thinking about something... I understand every family is different (different beliefs, traditions, etc...), but isn't it up to the party's host to be in charge of everything?

I know of some people who had surprise bridal showers arranged by their friends meaning that the bride and groom, and their families, were not involved w/ anything.

Retro4Life · 02-08-2013, 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JamesG

I was thinking about something... I understand every family is different (different beliefs, traditions, etc...), but isn't it up to the party's host to be in charge of everything?

I know of some people who had surprise bridal showers arranged by their friends meaning that the bride and groom, and their families, were not involved w/ anything.

The tradition I'm familiar with has the groomsmen responsible for the bachelor party and the bridesmaids responsible for the bridal shower.

I think the bride's family traditionally pays for the reception, but that's getting a bit more lax what with changing economics, etc. My brother's wedding reception in 1972 was at the local VFW, and there were probably around 75-100 people there. Now that would no doubt be looked down upon, as it seems like spending tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding and party are 'required' if you are to be respected. It's crazy; even people who don't have anywhere near that kind of money are forking it over just to keep up with the Joneses. My friend paid $10,000 for his wedding in 1993...I can just imagine how expensive it all ends up being now!

02-07-2013, 03:48 PM	#1
RoryGilmore Always and Forever Forum Veteran Join Date: Oct 30, 2004 Location: Wherever he is, that's where I'll be Posts: 6,529	How Much Say So Should Mothers Have in Weddings? My mother is attempting to take everything over and it is driving me insane. My shower invitations are about to go out and my mother is all of a sudden going nuts over who is invited. I have family all over the States and the shower is being hosted by one of my bridesmaids in our college town. Which is about 30 minutes or so from my hometown. My mother thinks every female we've ever met should be invited o this thing and I disagree and have told her so. I want it to be a small intimate event and not invite some long lost great aunt that lives 1,000 miles away. Am I overreacting or should my mother have more control over things then she's getting?
	__________________ I have died everyday, waiting for you Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more And all along I believed, I would find you Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years I'll love you for a thousand more

02-07-2013, 04:11 PM	#5
Penny Lane Butter Pie Forum Icon Join Date: Jul 03, 2001 Location: Beneath the blue suburban skies Posts: 51,082	What I did was to have 2 bridal showers. One for friends(given by a friend of ours from church) and the other for relatives(given by my aunt). That worked out fine. That way each shower was more intimate with fewer guests at each.
	__________________ Vulgarity is no substitute for wit- Lady Violet Crawley

02-08-2013, 03:49 AM	#8
catlover79 God Bless Val Forum Addict Join Date: May 29, 2006 Location: Bewitched in Ohio Posts: 70,376	I'd tell her as gently as I could to BACK OFF!! It's your wedding day, not hers. I hope and pray all goes well with you and your intended. P.S. Your wedding is exactly one week before my brother's. How cool is that?
	__________________ "Jesus loves you and He approves this message." "I'm alive. I'm feeling good. I'm trying to live every moment as much as I can." - Valerie Harper, March 2013

02-08-2013, 12:01 PM	#10
The Flying Dutchmans Member Senior Member Join Date: Apr 30, 2006 Location: New York Posts: 1,017	I say none. It is your day to be happy. She had hers already and now it's your time. She can by all means make suggestions, but the final decisions should be yours. And if she were a caring mother, she would respect that. If you let her make the decisions, than its her wedding, not yours.
	__________________ A strange red light as of a phantom ship all aglow, in the midst of which light the mast, spars and sails of a brig 200 yards distant stood out in strong relief." The Flying Dutchman Last edited by The Flying Dutchmans; 02-10-2013 at 01:16 PM.

02-07-2013, 04:02 PM	#2
JamesG Freakshow Moderator Forum Icon Join Date: Feb 01, 2008 Location: Brooklyn, NY Posts: 57,072	I'd say it should be 100% yours and your future husband's say. Sometimes things get complicated when the parents (on both sides) are flipping the bills so there might be some leverage involved. I don't know what the case is for you. I'd say that the parents should be free to give advice, but to go and make demands is going too far. It's your wedding, not your mother's.

02-08-2013, 05:35 PM	#11
Coffeecup coffeecup. Forum 3000 Club Member Join Date: Jan 17, 2003 Location: snoozeville Posts: 3,181	I would say 50% for you and your husband to be. 25% his mother, 25% your mother. Well maybe thats too much. 80% you and husband to be and 10% each for the mother. They are your family.

02-08-2013, 06:19 PM	#12
Janice Retired Admin - Hollywood Swingin' Forum Legend Join Date: Aug 03, 2001 Location: Beantown Posts: 36,388	It's your wedding, and everything should be you and your fiancee's decision. It is customary to allow both sides of the family to invite people they want to attend. Perhaps you can give them a certain number to limit their list to. Beyond that, just remember that it's your day. I got married many years ago. My mother was cool, but my husband's mother had too much to say. We had a night wedding, and I didn't want children there. There were a bunch of kids on my husband's side, and it would have looked like a daycare if I invited them all. His mother drove me nuts about this. Finally, I told her that only his sisters' kids could attend, and that was still a lot. Still, it was a compromise. Another issue was having wine at each table. I didn't think it was necessary. We had an open bar for an hour with hor'dourves before sitting down. We also had a champage toast at each table. We felt that was enough. It would cost an extra $800 to have red and white wine at each table, and I told her that we couldn't afford it. Next thing I know, she sent us a check for $400 with a note saying this was for her half of the wine. I just sucked it up and had the wine. Lots of other things, but those two examples were the biggest. I wish I did what I wanted, and I think you should. Give a little on some areas that really don't matter. Good luck.

02-08-2013, 07:32 PM	#14
JamesG Freakshow Moderator Forum Icon Join Date: Feb 01, 2008 Location: Brooklyn, NY Posts: 57,072	I was thinking about something... I understand every family is different (different beliefs, traditions, etc...), but isn't it up to the party's host to be in charge of everything? I know of some people who had surprise bridal showers arranged by their friends meaning that the bride and groom, and their families, were not involved w/ anything.