The Honeymooners: Lost Episode script for "The Missing Pair of Pants" Dec 6, 1952

[ChrisTV]

"THE HONEYMOONERS"
"THE MISSING PAIR OF PANTS"

Announcer
And now it's time for another visit with Ralph and Alice Kramden, better known to you as The Honeymooners. Ralph and Alice have been married thirteen years and their relationship is the same now, as it was the day they were married… You see they even argued then. But fortunately as in most marriages, they have weathered their differences, and their arguments only resolve in making their love stronger… So lets look in on The Honeymooners now as played by Jackie Gleason & Audrey Meadows, and see what state their marriages is in to-day!

[As travelers part camera holds on an establishing shot of the "Kramden kitchen". The time is morning. Alice is discovered on stage. She fills a pan with water and lays it on stove to boil. She is dressed in bathrobe, slippers, etc. She calls to Ralph who is O.S.]

Alice
You better hurry, Ralph, or you'll be late for work.

[As she places lid back on percolator and adjusts flame on stove. Ralph enters from bedroom & is wearing his pajamas. His tops are not tucked in pants but overlap. He has a pair of socks in his hand and storms over to Alice, he is trying to contain himself.]

Ralph
May I ask you a simple question?

Alice
What is it?

Ralph
When a woman darns her husbands socks, would you say it's proper to darn black socks with black thread, and green socks with green thread?

Alice
That's right.

Ralph
Then would you mind explaining, why you darned my black socks with green thread?

Alice
Whats the difference, nobody sees your socks their in your shoes.

Ralph
I'll tell you whats the difference, these socks have been mended so many times, I can't tell if they're black socks darned with green thread or green socks darned with black thread…

[Holding his socks.]

Have you got any clues?

Alice [Looking at socks]
Yeah! These are your brown socks, darned with black and green thread!

Ralph
Don't steam me Alice, don't steam me, cause I'm already steamed!

Alice
If you don't hurry and get dressed, you won't have time for breakfast.

Ralph
Oh, and another thing… Where's my underwear?

Alice
I washed them last night and I left them out on the line to dry…. I'll get him…

Ralph
Never mind, I'll get em, you just get my breakfast.

[Ralph storms off to bedroom. Alice goes for cup and saucer places it on table, strongly remembering something calls into Ralph.]

Alice
Don't keep the bedroom window open too long… It's freezing out.

[She goes for sugar bowl and as she places that on table… Ralph enters, this time he is carrying a pair of long winter underwear that is frozen stiff.]

Ralph
Well, I'm glad you left them out in the cold all night… They're frozen stiff.

Alice
I'm terribly sorry, Ralph.

Ralph [With sarcasm]
Oh, no need to apologize, just give me an icepick and I'll get dressed.

Alice
Maybe if you put them on, they'll thaw out.

Ralph
Now there's a bright idea… What if I put them on and they don't thaw out??? I'll have to walk around all day like this!

[Ralph extends both arms & extends 1 leg sideways, (this is the shape the underwear is frozen in).]

Alice
Alright, alright, let me have them & I'll get another pair… In the meantime you can put the toast on.

[Alice exits into bedroom with long underwear. Ralph extracts two slices of bread from loaf in icebox and places them in slots in toaster. Then Ralph takes small jar of coffee (instant coffee) from top of icebox and tries to open it. After trying to twist lid off with several stressful grunts he bangs jar on table, then…]

Ralph [Looking at jar]
How do you like that, they call this instant coffee… And it takes an hour just to get the jar open.

[He tries to twist lid again and it comes off. He pours some in cup on table, then pours some boiled water into cup, then goes to toaster, he looks at it, then shouts into bedroom.]

Alice… Alice…

[Alice enters.]

Alice
Stop Hollerin, I found you a pair, I put it on the bed.

Ralph
Never mind the underwear… I put some toast in here five minutes ago and it hasn't come up yet…

[In pyramiding tones.]

Why?… Why?… Why?… Why????

Alice
I'll tell you why…..

Ralph [Interrupting]

I'll tell you why… I asked you to have this toaster fixed four weeks ago, but you didn't do it. Instead of lookin after the house you were up in Trixies watchin television… or playin canasta with the girls or you were wasting time over your mothers. Now will you just give me one reason why this toaster ain't workin…. Give me one reason…. One.

Alice
Well it could be because, I was up in Trixies watchin television, it could be because I was busy playin canasta… And it could be because I spend my time over my mothers. But if you want to know the reason why the toasted ain't workin… It's because you didn't plug it in.

Ralph
One of these days, Alice, one of these days…. Pow! Right in the kisser!

Alice
Look, Ralph, There's no time for breakfast now. You better get dressed and out of here or you'll be late.

[Ralph reacts with a growl and crosses to bureau.]

Ralph
Where's my pants? Where's my pants?

Alice
Well, where would they be?

Ralph
That's just it. Now, Alice, you know when I take my pants off every night I hang them on the bureau, so they'll stay pressed. Well, where are they?

Alice
Don't ask me Ralph. When you got home last night, I was already in bed. All I know is that every time you go out with the boys for a few beers after work, the following morning you have to look all over the house for something you lost.

Ralph
Look, Alice, I might of had a few beers last night, But I know what I was doin'.

Alice
I don't know how many beers you had, but coming home last night you were pretty loud.

Ralph
You mean you could hear me when I came into the house last night?

Alice
I could hear you when you got off the subway!

Ralph
Alice, you may have been in bed when I came home last night, but I was in bed when you got up this morning. Now, where's my pants?

Alice
I don't know. But you're late for work already. Put on any pants.

Ralph
What and be out of uniform.

Alice
What's so important about being in uniform?

Ralph
Plenty! Charlie Grogan showed up out of uniform one mornin at the bus depot, and you know what they did to him?

Alice
What did they do fire him?

Ralph
Worse than that… they transferred him to drivin a school bus, and in less than two hours those kids drove him nuts… Now I don't know what you did with those pants but I'm not leavin the house until you find them.

Alice
I'll find them they're probably in the bedroom.

[As she enters bedroom, Ralph starts to pace as Norton enters, lunchbox in hand.]

Norton
H'ya, Ralph… Arentcha goin to work?

Ralph
I can't go to work… I lost my pants.

Norton
That'll teach you, never play cards with strangers.

Ralph
I wasn't playing cards…. Every night before I go to bed, I hang my pants on that bureau… When I got up this morning I looked on the bureau and they weren't there.

Norton
Thats one for the books. I heard of the bureau of missing persons but I never heard of the bureau of missing pants.

Ralph
Whats gettin me crazy is how them pants coulda disappeared.. The door was locked, the window was locked and Alice says she didn't take em.

Norton
The truth, Ralph, did you take em?

Ralph [Oliver style]
Now why would I steal my own pants?

Norton
What am I a psychiatrist?

Ralph
Norton, one of these days there gonna drop a net over you…

[Turn into bedroom.]

Did you find my pants, Alice?

Alice [O.S.]
No, I'm still lookin.

Ralph
It's no use, Norton she won't find em… Look will you do me a favor call up the bus depot for me and tell em to put a relief driver on my bus, I'm not goin in to-day.

Norton
Okay, Ralph, see you to-night… Don't worry kid just keep out of drafts.

[He exits, Alice enters.]

Alice
I can't find em anywhere.

Ralph [Walking joke]
Thats what I figured, all I know is I didn't take em… Alice, you cost me a days pay… What am I gonna tell em to-morrow down the bus depot? When other guys are out, they can say they had a cold… or they had to go to court… or their house burnt down… What's the excuse that I'm gonna give my boss?… When he asks me why I didn't come in today I'll have to tell him, I lost my pants and my underwear froze…. What makes it worse is I had my wallet in my back pocket.

[He slaps his hand to back pocket & presses. A look of guilt and embarrassment creeps across his countenance.]

Alice
What's the matter, Ralph?

[Ralph continues with hands dangling and look of embarrassment.]

Ralph
I guess I did have a beer too many last night.

Alice
What do you mean?

Ralph
When I went to bed last night, I put my pajamas over my pants.

Alice
I'm glad you found em. You were about ready to turn me over to the police.

[Alice sits down on chair. Music sneaks in as Ralph slips out of pajama bottoms.]

Ralph
Gee, Alice I'm sorry, I shouldn't have blamed you for something that was my own fault. I lost a days pay and with Christmas coming we can sure use the money… I'll make it up, Alice, I'll work a double shift to-morrow.

Alice
Sit down and I'll fix you some breakfast.

Ralph
Gee, baby, you're the greatest.

[Blackout]

[Frank Gannucci]

Originally Posted by ChrisTV

"THE HONEYMOONERS"
"THE MISSING PAIR OF PANTS"

Announcer
And now it's time for another visit with Ralph and Alice Kramden, better known to you as The Honeymooners. Ralph and Alice have been married thirteen years and their relationship is the same now, as it was the day they were married… You see they even argued then. But fortunately as in most marriages, they have weathered their differences, and their arguments only resolve in making their love stronger… So lets look in on The Honeymooners now as played by Jackie Gleason & Audrey Meadows, and see what state their marriages is in to-day!

[As travelers part camera holds on an establishing shot of the "Kramden kitchen". The time is morning. Alice is discovered on stage. She fills a pan with water and lays it on stove to boil. She is dressed in bathrobe, slippers, etc. She calls to Ralph who is O.S.]

Alice
You better hurry, Ralph, or you'll be late for work.

[As she places lid back on percolator and adjusts flame on stove. Ralph enters from bedroom & is wearing his pajamas. His tops are not tucked in pants but overlap. He has a pair of socks in his hand and storms over to Alice, he is trying to contain himself.]

Ralph
May I ask you a simple question?

Alice
What is it?

Ralph
When a woman darns her husbands socks, would you say it's proper to darn black socks with black thread, and green socks with green thread?

Alice
That's right.

Ralph
Then would you mind explaining, why you darned my black socks with green thread?

Alice
Whats the difference, nobody sees your socks their in your shoes.

Ralph
I'll tell you whats the difference, these socks have been mended so many times, I can't tell if they're black socks darned with green thread or green socks darned with black thread…

[Holding his socks.]

Have you got any clues?

Alice [Looking at socks]
Yeah! These are your brown socks, darned with black and green thread!

Ralph
Don't steam me Alice, don't steam me, cause I'm already steamed!

Alice
If you don't hurry and get dressed, you won't have time for breakfast.

Ralph
Oh, and another thing… Where's my underwear?

Alice
I washed them last night night and I left them out on the line to dry…. I'll get him…

Ralph
Never mind, I'll get em, you just get my breakfast.

[Ralph storms off to bedroom. Alice goes for cup and saucer places it on table, strongly remembering something calls into Ralph.]

Alice
Don't keep the bedroom window open too long… It's freezing out.

[She goes for sugar bowl and as she places that on table… Ralph enters, this time he is carrying a pair of long winter underwear that is frozen stiff.]

Ralph
Well, I'm glad you left them out in the cold all night… They're frozen stiff.

Alice
I'm terribly sorry, Ralph.

Ralph [With sarcasm]
Oh, no need to apologize, just give me an icepick and I'll get dressed.

Alice
Maybe if you put them on, they'll thaw out.

Ralph
Now there's a bright idea… What if I put them on and they don't thaw out??? I'll have to walk around all day like this!

[Ralph extends both arms & extends 1 leg sideways, (this is the shape the underwear is frozen in).]

Alice
Alright, alright, let me have them & I'll get another pair… In the meantime you can put the toast on.

[Alice exits into bedroom with long underwear. Ralph extracts two slices of bread from loaf in icebox and places them in slots in toaster. Then Ralph takes small jar of coffee (instant coffee) from top of icebox and tries to open it. After trying to twist lid off with several stressful grunts he bangs jar on table, then…]

Ralph [Looking at jar]
How do you like that, they call this instant coffee… And it takes an hour just to get the jar open.

[He tries to twist lid again and it comes off. He pours some in cup on table, then pours some boiled water into cup, then goes to toaster, he looks at it, then shouts into bedroom.]

Alice… Alice…

[Alice enters.]

Alice
Stop Hollerin, I found you a pair, I put it on the bed.

Ralph
Never mind the underwear… I put some toast in here five minutes ago and it hasn't come up yet…

[In pyramiding tones.]

Why?… Why?… Why?… Why????

Alice
I'll tell you why…..

Ralph [Interrupting]

I'll tell you why… I asked you to have this toaster fixed four weeks ago, but you didn't do it. Instead of lookin after the house you were up in Trixies watchin television… or playin canasta with the girls or you were wasting time over your mothers. Now will you just give me one reason why this toaster ain't workin…. Give me one reason…. One.

Alice
Well it could be because, I was up in Trixies watchin television, it could be because I was busy playin canasta… And it could be because I spend my time over my mothers. But if you want to know the reason why the toasted ain't workin… It's because you didn't plug it in.

Ralph
One of these days, Alice, one of these days…. Pow! Right in the kisser!

Alice
Look, Ralph, There's no time for breakfast now. You better get dressed and out of here or you'll be late.

[Ralph reacts with a growl and crosses to bureau.]

Ralph
Where's my pants? Where's my pants?

Alice
Well, where would they be?

Ralph
That's just it. Now, Alice, you know when I take my pants off every night I hang them on the bureau, so they'll stay pressed. Well, where are they?

Alice
Don't ask me Ralph. When you got home last night, I was already in bed. All I know is that every time you go out with the boys for a few beers after work, the following morning you have to look all over the house for something you lost.

Ralph
Look, Alice, I might of had a few beers last night, But I know what I was doin'.

Alice
I don't know how many beers you had, but coming home last night you were pretty loud.

Ralph
You mean you could hear me when I came into the house last night?

Alice
I could hear you when you got off the subway!

Ralph
Alice, you may have been in bed when I came home last night, but I was in bed when you got up this morning. Now, where's my pants?

Alice
I don't know. But you're late for work already. Put on any pants.

Ralph
What and be out of uniform.

Alice
What's so important about being in uniform?

Ralph
Plenty! Charlie Grogan showed up out of uniform one mornin at the bus depot, and you know what they did to him?

Alice
What did they do fire him?

Ralph
Worse than that… they transferred him to drivin a school bus, and in less than two hours those kids drove him nuts… Now I don't know what you did with those pants but I'm not leavin the house until you find them.

Alice
I'll find them they're probably in the bedroom.

[As she enters bedroom, Ralph starts to pace as Norton enters, lunchbox in hand.]

Norton
H'ya, Ralph… Arentcha goin to work?

Ralph
I can't go to work… I lost my pants.

Norton
That'll teach you, never play cards with strangers.

Ralph
I wasn't playing cards…. Every night before I go to bed, I hang my pants on that bureau… When I got up this morning I looked on the bureau and they weren't there.

Norton
Thats one for the books. I heard of the bureau of missing persons but I never heard of the bureau of missing pants.

Ralph
Whats gettin me crazy is how them pants coulda disappeared.. The door was locked, the window was locked and Alice says she didn't take em.

Norton
The truth, Ralph, did you take em?

Ralph [Oliver style]
Now why would I steal my own pants?

Norton
What am I a psychiatrist?

Ralph
Norton, one of these days there gonna drop a net over you…

[Turn into bedroom.]

Did you find my pants, Alice?

Alice [O.S.]
No, I'm still lookin.

Ralph
It's no use, Norton she won't find em… Look will you do me a favor call up the bus depot for me and tell em to put a relief driver on my bus, I'm not goin in to-day.

Norton
Okay, Ralph, see you to-night… Don't worry kid just keep out of drafts.

[He exits, Alice enters.]

Alice
I can't find em anywhere.

Ralph [Walking joke]
Thats what I figured, all I know is I didn't take em… Alice, you cost me a days pay… What am I gonna tell em to-morrow down the bus depot? When other guys are out, they can say they had a cold… or they had to go to court… or their house burnt down… What's the excuse that I'm gonna give my boss?… When he asks me why I didn't come in today I'll have to tell him, I lost my pants and my underwear froze…. What makes it worse is I had my wallet in my back pocket.

[He slaps his hand to back pocket & presses. A look of guilt and embarrassment creeps across his countenance.]

Alice
What's the matter, Ralph?

[Ralph continues with hands dangling and look of embarrassment.]

Ralph
I guess I did have a beer too many last night.

Alice
What do you mean?

Ralph
When I went to bed last night, I put my pajamas over my pants.

Alice
I'm glad you found em. You were about ready to turn me over to the police.

[Alice sits down on chair. Music sneaks in as Ralph slips out of pajama bottoms.]

Ralph
Gee, Alice I'm sorry, I shouldn't have blamed you for something that was my own fault. I lost a days pay and with Christmas coming we can sure use the money… I'll make it up, Alice, I'll work a double shift to-morrow.

Alice
Sit down and I'll fix you some breakfast.

Ralph
Gee, baby, you're the greatest.

[Blackout]

Thank you very much for posting all these scripts.

[ChrisTV]

You're welcome! Was my pleasure doing. No more squinting at the horrible copies on DVD. I really got a feeling of how each episode flows by doing this. I started doing everyones mannerisms as I was reading & typing. I was hoping to solve some mysteries along the way as well, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

[Frank Gannucci]

A couple of things...

What does O.S. mean?

Isn't the three long blocks away from the building? Regardless, Ralph must have great vocal cords for his voice to reach that far.

Couldn't Ralph immediately get Norton to not call his boss? That way, Ralph can go to work.

[ChrisTV]

O.S. = Off stage.

[Frank Gannucci]

Thank you.