The Honeymooners: Lost Episode script for "Alice's Birthday" May 16, 1953

[ChrisTV]

"THE HONEYMOONERS"
"ALICE'S BIRTHDAY"

Announcer
And now it's time for another visit with Ralph and Alice Kramden, better known to you as The Honeymooners. You know being married to Ralph is a constant challenge to Alice. She has to exert all her tact and diplomacy in coping with Ralph's unpredictable manner. Suppose we look in on Ralph and Alice and see how Alice deals with Ralph's mood of the moment.

[As travelers part camera holds on an establishing shot of the kramden kitchen. Alice is discovered on. She has a jar of cheese spread which she is spreading on crackers which she places on plate. Trixie enters. She is carrying gift wrapped package.]

Trixie
Happy Birthday, Alice.

Alice
Thanks, Trixie.

[Trixie crosses to Alice and hugs her. As they break, Trixie extends gift to Alice.]

Trixie
Here, Alice, many happy returns.

[Alice takes gift.]

Alice
You're very sweet, Trix. I'm dying to know what it is but I'll wait and open it when Ralph gets home.

Trixie
By the way, how many candles are you putting on your cake this year?

Alice
Twenty five.

Trixie
Alice, you mean you're only twenty five?

Alice
That's not what you asked me. And lets change the subject.

[She crosses to bureau and puts gift on top of it.]

Trixie
Did Ralph give you his gift yet?

Alice
No, but it's going to be a nylon slip.

Trixie
You mean he told you what he's going to get you?

Alice
No, he doesn't even know about this himself yet. You see, Trixie, every year on my birthday Ralph forgets to buy me a present. He just never remembers. Well, tonight some of my friends are going to drop in. They do every birthday. And every year Ralph gets embarrassed when they start giving me their gifts and he doesn't have one for me. Well, to make sure that doesn't happen this time I phoned Jo Ann's lingerie shop and told them to send a nylon slip to me as Ralph's gift.

Trixie
Gee, you think of everything.

Alice
I even dictated a card for them to enclose. Does this sound romantic enough [reciting].. "To my darling Alice.. I love you now and forever. This is just a little something from the man who adores you."

Trixie
Gee, Ralph is certainly romantic. He forgets to say the sweetest things!

Alice
Oh, by the way, Trix, I may need some extra glasses for tonight. Could I come up and borrow some?

Trixie
Well, I've only got six, but I don't know if you'd want to use them.

Alice
Why, what's wrong with them?

Trixie
On the bottom of each glass it says, "I'm a big girl. I drank all my milk." Ed got it by mistake, when he sent in a box top. He expected a space cadet helmet!

[As Alice chuckles the door opens and Ralph and Norton enter. They ad lib hellos.]

Ralph
Alice, I got to tell you what happened while I was driving the bus today. Now I've been drivin a bus for twelve years, but what happened today tops everything. About four o'clock today I'm cruising along heading downtown. Well, all of a sudden I notice a kid in the bus. He was about five years old. He was runnin up and down the aisles, jumping on the seats, swinging the straps. So I turned to the kid and said, "Will you cut it out and sit with your mother?" and the kid said, "I can't. My mother got off the bus and left me here." Well, I figured it was an abandoned kid and that I'd turn him in at the depot at the end of the line. But as I stop at Kleins, the kids mother gets on and says to him, "Are you alright, Herbie?" Well, I get steamed and I turn to the lady and say, "You got a lot of nerve lady. What's the big idea of leaving your kid on the bus all afternoon?" and she said, "Where else can you get a baby sitter for a dime?"

[They laugh it up.]

Alice
Ralph, I have to go up to Trixie's. I'll be down in a minute.

Trixie [To Norton]
I'll have your dinner ready in a few minutes.

Norton
Did you get watermelon for dessert?

Trixie
Watermelon's not in season.

Norton
Don't give me that. That's what you've been tellin me all winter.

[Trixie gives him a "You Poor Soul" take and leaves with Alice.]

Norton
You know Ralph, you were talkin about the aggrivations you get drivin a bus all day. I work in a sewer. My job ain't no bed of roses either. Take last night, I was to quit at five. We'll I didn't get out of the sewer till eight thirty.

Ralph
Why? Did you have to work overtime?

Norton
No. I couldn't get out. Some jerk parked his car over the manhole!

Ralph
Norton, you are beautiful.

[Knock at door.]

Come in.

[Uniformed delivery boy enters with gift wrapped package.]

Boy
I got a package for Mrs. Kramden.

Ralph
I'm her husband. I'll take it.

[Ralph takes package. And fishes in his pocket.]

Norton, I haven't got any change on me. Take care of him.

[Norton reaches in his pocket and hands boy a coin. Boy looks at coin in his hand.]

Boy
A dime! I walked my feet off coming over here. What can I get with this?

Norton
Buy yourself a corn plaster!

[Boy reacts and leaves.]

Ralph
I wonder what this is. It's gift wrapped. It couldn't be….

[Ralph snaps fingers]

I forgot it again. Today is Alice's birthday. Norton you got to do me a favor. Run down to the candy store and get the biggest box of candy they got. You know with ribbons and everything. Then take it up to your place and I'll pretend I had it hidden up there all the time.

Norton
Okay but first I want to get a piece of fruit. I'm starved.

[As Norton crosses to ice box.]

Ralph
I wonder who sent her this package? Maybe it's from one of her girlfriends. Hey, there's a card here. I'll find out.

[There is a card in envelope tied to the ribbon. Ralph removes card. Scans it and his eyes bulge.]

Norton, get a load of this..[reading] "To my darling Alice.. I love you now and forever. This is just a little something from the man who adores you." And it isn't signed!

Norton
It isn't signed, huh? Now you'll never know if it's from one of her girl friends or not!

Ralph
Norton, you are a mental case. Don't you realize what this means. There's another guy in Alice's life. [He paces a few steps.] I wonder who it could be.. I'm with her every night It must be someone she meets during the day. Now, who could it be?

Norton
Maybe it's Charlie, the butcher. She sees him every day. I know how we can find out. Gimme the envelope.

Ralph [Exasperated]
How can you tell it's from the butcher by looking at the envelope.

Norton
Maybe the envelopes got sawdust in it!

Ralph
Norton, you got sawdust in your head.. I wonder what this guy sent to my wife..

[Ralph rips package open eyes bulging as he peers into box.]

Norton
What is it, Ralph?

[Ralph extracts pink slip from box and comments.]

Ralph
It ain't lambchops! Norton, this is a terrific blow to me. When I married Alice thirteen years ago I worked hard so I could give her everything in life. There's only two things a man lives for.. his wife and his job. Your wife and your job have one thing in common. When you find a pink slip you're thru! The handwritins on the wall. Norton, I'll move into the Y.M.C.A. tonite.

Norton
The Y.M.C.A. is a good place. If you make up with Alice you can move back here. If you don't you'll become a very good handball player.

[Noticing hors doeuvres. lifts one.. examines it.]

Ralph
Hey, she made hors doeuvres That means she's having some people over like she does every birthday.. And if I'm right.. The rat that sent this package will probably come over for some cheese and crackers! The Y.M.C.A. can wait. I'll stick around and expose this homewrecker. Now the first thing I'll do is hide this package.

[Ralph crosses to bureau puts gift in drawer.]

Norton
How are you going to expose him, Ralph?

Ralph
Very simple. He'll probably be here tonight. All I have to do is mention the words "I love you now and forever" and the one who reacts must be the guilty party.

Norton
What if that don't work?

Ralph
Then I'll use my ace in the hole.. This card. [Extracts card]. I'll compare everybody's handwriting to this.

[Alice enters carrying several glasses.]

Alice
Oh Ed, Trixie told me to tell you dinner's on the table.

Norton
Thanks.

[Norton starts to leave. Stops and sympathetically gives Ralph a keep your chin up punch. He exits.]

Ralph
I notice you're wearing your best dress. Any special reason?

Alice
I know you always forget, Ralph, but today I'm one year older.

Ralph
Well, today I'm five years older.

Alice
Aren't you going to wish me a happy birthday?

Ralph [Sarcastically]
Happy Birthday!

[Alice with glasses in hands leans forward and puckers her lips. Ralph stands there with feet planted and ignores her.]

Alice [Puckering]
Ralph, I've got my lips puckered.

[She puckers them again.]

Ralph
You got your lips puckered, huh? Well, you can whistle dixie!

[She sets glasses down on bureau.]

Alice
Ralph, what's eating you?

Ralph
Alice, What do you do all day?

Alice
What do you mean?

Ralph
What did you do today for instance?

Alice
Well, after I did the breakfast dishes, I made the bed, waxed the kitchen floor, washed your shirts, hung them on the roof, then I came down and washed the windows, mended your socks, went out to pay the gas bills, then I did the marketing, and when I came back I took your shirts down from the roof and ironed them.

Ralph [Challenging]
Yeah, but what did you do in your spare time!

Alice
What did I do in my spare time? I went down to the employment agency and interviewed butlers!

Ralph
One of the days.. One of the days, Alice.. Pow right in the kisser.

[Knock on the door.]

Alice
Ralph, I think some of our friends are here. Now stop acting stupid, and go in and change your jacket.

[Ralph goes into bedroom. Alice crosses to door and comments.]

Come in.

[The door opens and five people enter. Two women and three men. Two of the men are rather attractive and the third man is fat and an unlikely suspect. The people ad lib "Happy Birthdays" and "Helloes", and hand Alice presents and she thanks them.

First woman
Where's Ralph?

Alice
He'll be out in a minute. Help yourself to some hors doeuvres and I'll get you a cold drink.

First woman
Alice. you never seem to get a day older.

Alice
Thank you.

First woman
You now what they say… A woman carries her years so lightly because she loses so many on the way.

[They all laugh. Alice comes back from icebox with pitcher, and starts pouring drinks into glasses on bureau. They start sipping and eating some hors doeuvres and engage in small talk, as Ralph enters everybody ad libs helloes.]

Ralph [Down]
Hello everybody.

First man
Ralph, you certainly are a lucky guy to have a pretty wife like Alice.

Ralph [Suspiciously]

Think I got a pretty wife, Huh Frank? Can I speak to you for a minute alone?

First man
Sure Ralph.

[Frank crosses to Ralph. Others and Alice stay in group and engage in small talk. Ralph looks Frank up and down.

Ralph
So you think I got a pretty wife, huh?

[Ralph laughs like he's got Frank trapped.]

First man [Puzzled]
Yeah. I think you got a pretty wife.

[Ralph reaches into pocket pulls out card holds it away from Frank, to remind himself. Then puts it back in pocket.]

Ralph [Entre hous]
I love you now and forever.

[Frank reacts.]

Does that mean anything to you?

First man
Yeah. You're drunk.

[Ralph takes out card from pocket.]

Ralph
Frank have you got a pencil and paper on you?

First man
Yeah, why?

Ralph
I'd like you to write down your address for me.

First man
What do you want my address for? I live right in the next apartment.

Ralph [Stuttering]
Well.. Um.. Um.. In case I ever move.

First man
Well, all right, if you want it.

[First man takes out pencil and pad and writes. Ralph turns away from man and taking card in one hand compares it with mans handwriting.]

Ralph [Chuckling]
Forget what I said Frank. Go over and have a drink.. And oh.. You can have your address back.

[Ralph hands back slip of paper back to first man. Man returns to group as he regards Ralph curiously.]

[Calling] Oh, George!

[The fat man in the group crosses to Ralph. Ralph looks him up and down sparingly.]

No… It couldn't be you. Forget it, George. Go back and dig into them hors doeuvres.

[George reacts, and goes back to group.]

[Calls] Oh, Henry, Can I see you for a minute?

Henry
Sure.

[Henry crosses over to Ralph.]

What can I do for you, Ralph?

Ralph
I just want to ask you a question. Um.. What did you give Alice for her birthday?

Henry
Didn't it arrive yet? I didn't bring anything. I told the store to deliver it.

Ralph
Oh, so you're the one!

[Takes John L. Sullivan pose with fists clenched.]

Put up your dukes!

[Group reacts and turns]

Alice
Ralph, What are you doing?

Ralph
Stay out of this Alice. I'll prove to you who the better man is.

Henry
What's the matter with you Ralph?

Ralph
Put up your dukes! Now start fighting!

Henry
Well, if that's what you want Ralph.

[Henry gives Ralph a light tap in the face. Ralph instantly goes into pain bit… holding face. At the conclusion of pain bit, Henry speaks.]

I think I better go.

Women
I think we'd all better go.

[They ad lib goodbyes and exit.]

Alice
Ralph, have you gone out of your mind?

Ralph
I haven't gone out of my mind. But you've gone out of yours. You're in love with Henry Cidermann.

Alice [Puzzled]
In love with Henry Cidermann???

Ralph
Yeah, and I can prove it.

[He storms over to bureau and pulls package out.]

This is the package that came for you while you were up at Trixie's. It's a pink slip. And he sent [Pulls card from pocket.] this card along with it. You want to hear what it says?

Alice
I'll tell you what it says.. "To my darling Alice.. I love you now and forever. This is just a little something from the man who adores you."

Ralph [Amazed]
How did you know what it said?

Alice
Because I sent the package. Ralph, You've never remembered my birthday since we've been married.. And every year when people give me gifts, you get embarrassed because you didn't get me one. I bought this gift and had them enclose that card so you wouldn't be embarrassed.. But instead you had to humiliate me.

[Alice sits down in kitchen chair. Music sneaks in. Ralph is lost for words.]

Ralph
Gee, Alice I certainly ruined your birthday. You're right I always do forget your birthday. But it's not because I don't love you. It's just that I'm.. Uh.. I guess I'm not very bright that's all. I'm sorry I acted like I did in front of our friends.. But you know how I feel about you.. And when I thought Henry Cidermann… Well, you know I'm jealous if anyone ever looks at you.. I guess I'll take a walk.

Alice [Rising]
Ralph.

[Ralph turns]

I'm all puckered up.

Ralph
Baby, You're the greatest.

[Blackout.]