A Honeymooners Christmas:

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Kramdens, Nortons & Alice's parents are at the Kramden apartment. A knock on the door is heard. Ralph goes to answer it.)

Man: “My car got busted on the way over here and I thought I would deliver these before Dec. 25. to the Kramdens and Nortons just in case.”

Ralph: "Thank you. Merry Christmas."

(Ralph closes the door. The mailman leaves.)

Ed: "It's our gifts Ralph-ie boy!"

Ralph: "Boy, I thought my gifts to each and every one of you would never arrive. I ordered them 10 days ago. Those BUMS at Amazon.com somehow decided to waste time to get the items out. I even ordered rush delivery."

Alice: "Ralph, there's a letter from your boss."

Ralph: "I should open it."

(Ralph does.)

Ed: "Ralph, I hope it is a BIG raise and not a year membership to the Jelly Donut of the Month Club."

(Ralph opens it.)

Ralph: "Just what I needed. I have finally been promoted to Assistant Traffic Manager."

(Everyone cheers.)

Ralph: "Alice, this is a gift from me to you."

(Alice opens it.)

Alice: "Ralph, it's beautiful. I love it. A 14-karat Miami Beach Palm Tree ring."

(Audience cheers.)

Ralph: "You didn't need another orange juice squeezer where you squeeze the orange on Napolean's head to get the jucie to squirt out of his ears."

Alice: "Ralph, this is my gift to you."

Ralph: "Boy."

(Ralph opens it.)

Ralph: "Just what I needed. A big Snuggie in XXXL."

(Ralph looks at Alice's mother.)

Ralph: "Don't start."

Trixie: "Ed, this is my gift to you."

Ed: "Trixie, you are a wonderful woman."

(Ed opens it up.)

Ed: "Hey, a Spongebob Squarepants t-shirt. This will go great with my sewer attire. Trixie, open my gift to you."

(Trixie does.)

Trixie: "Ed, this is beautiful. A diamond necklace."

(Everyone opens up their gifts to one another than looks outside.)

Ed: "Look, it's Santa."

Ralph: "Norton, that is a Christmas star. Christmas is not about gifts. It is about love. I will say this again. I love saying this. Christmas is...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up – red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home – you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place you're going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"

(They each kiss and hug their respective partners. The curtain starts to close but Jackie stops it.)

Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen, we don't normally step out of character this way, but I want to change things up. Let's introduce every one of the cast. First: Jean Kean."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Wait a second. In honor of the Christmas season, all of us should sing: 'Silent Night.' Mr. Spear, are you all sober?"

(Everyone laughs.)

Jackie: "I know that you love to drink."

All (singing): Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!
Christ, the Saviour is born
Christ, the Saviour is born

Silent night, holy night
Son of God, love's pure light
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth"

Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! Merry Chirstmas!:

(Audience cheers.)

Credit goes to carols.org.uk.