A Honeymooners Christmas Eve:

[Frank Gannucci]

(A Honeymooners Christmas Eve.)

(Alice & Trixie are in the Kramden kitchen.)

Alice: “Oh Trixie, I wonder where the boys are with our Christmas tree. They should have been here a long time ago.”

Trixie: “I wonder. I hope that they didn’t get lost.”

(Alice looks out the window.)

Alice: “Trixie, I see a bus. There is Ralph carrying a tree with Ed.”

(Trixie looks out the window.)

Trixie: “That tree is HUGE! I wonder where they bought…oh, I see they dug it out of the ground.”

(Minutes later.)

Ralph (from hallway, yells): “GO AHEAD, MCGARRITY COMPLAIN. IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT I FORGOT THE HACKSAW TO CUT THE TREE DOWN AND THAT IT IS LEAVING A MESS THAT I WON’T CLEAN UP.”

(Ralph & Ed enter with the huge tree that is all tied up. Audience applauds.)

Alice: “Ralph, don’t you think that that tree is too big.”

Ed: “It is not big. It’s just full.”

Ralph: “I will cut the rope.”

(He does and the tree knocks things down and breaks windows.)

Ralph (in the tree): “Little full. Lot of sap.”

Ed: “This tree is the biggest tree that I ever saw. It rivals the one in Rockefeller Center.”

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Alice: “Ralph, I wished that you would use more common sense. Why couldn’t you get a smaller tree?”

Ralph: “Why? This tree fits me perfectly.”

(Alice looks at Ralph.)

Ralph (yells): “DON’TYOU DARE SAY IT!”

Alice: “Wait until my parents see this tree.”

(Alice’s parents arrive.)

Alice’s Mom: “Hello Alice! Hello Wreck It Ralph.”

(Ed laughs. Ralph is angry.)

Alice’s Dad: “Hello Alice! Merry Christmas.”

Alice: “Merry Christmas.”

Alice’s Dad: “Merry Christmas Nortons.”

Ed: “Happy Yuletide.”

(They start decorating the tree.)

Alice’s Mom: “Hey Ralph, you couldn’t get a bigger tree. You can still reach the top for the angel.”

Ralph: “Oh, you are starting right in huh? I remember you used to start with ‘Hello Stupids.’”

Alice: “Ralph!”

Ralph: “All right. I will quit.”

(They finish decorating the tree.)

Ralph: “Listen, why don’t we go downtown to Rockefeller Center and see the tree?”

Ed: “Good idea Ralph. We might see Brian Williams.”

Ralph: “Brian?”

Ed: “Yeah, he is the host of Rock Center.”

Ralph: “Come on. After the work that I did, setting up the tree, I can use a rest.”

(They leave. The tree falls and all the ornaments and most of the lights break.)

Ralph (from hallway, yells): “WOOOOOOOOAAAH!”

(They enter.)

Trixie: “Oh, my goodness.”

Ralph: “Back to work everyone. I will rest while you work.”

(After much arguing, Ralph, reluctantly, helps set the tree back up.)

(It’s now 11:59p.)

Ralph: “Guys, right now will be a good time to exchange presents with each of us…”

All (except Ralph & Alice): “We didn’t get our gifts that we were going to give to all of you.”

Ralph: “Gee, we must have ordered online because me and Alice had the same bad luck.”

Ed: “We ordered online on December 17th and despite Amazon.com telling us that they were going to arrive at out houses on December 19th, they didn’t arrive. We are sorry Ralph-ie boy!”

Alice’s Mom: “Same here.”

Alice: “Same here.”

Alice’s Dad: “Same here.”

Trixie: “Same here.”

Ralph: “Well, at least we meant well and at least we are going to get our gifts.”

(A knock on door is heard. Ralph answers it.)

(To be continued.)