When I was younger, so much younger than today...

[AKA]

This mental illness is now crippling me in more ways than even my physical disability does (and that's saying something, because I can barely walk from my bed to the bathroom). I wish I knew what to do, but nothing is helping; not the antidepressants or therapy, anyway. And I don't know anyone in my personal life who has experienced mental illness on this scale, so no one I talk to can understand what I go through. God bless them, they try to empathize, but their well-intentioned attempts are misguided and patronizing at best.

While home alone a few weeks ago, I had to call a suicide hotline. I was that despondent. And other than for doctor's appointments, I haven't left my house since late July. Not that I physically can't--I have a shiny, red electric wheelchair, after all, and thanks to South Park I'm more afraid than ever to ride it in public (not that it wasn't without a certain level of stigma before the episode aired). Today is the one-month anniversary of the last time I actually stepped outside.

That's what my life has become. I'm so paralyzed with depression, anxiety, fear and rage that I haven't been able to act as a fully-functioning human being for several weeks. I just want to be somewhat normal again. Maybe venting like this is the first step out of darkness and despair.

[gilligan fanatic]

Originally Posted by Brad

This mental illness is now crippling me in more ways than even my physical disability does (and that's saying something, because I can barely walk from my bed to the bathroom). I wish I knew what to do, but nothing is helping; not the antidepressants or therapy, anyway. And I don't know anyone in my personal life who has experienced mental illness on this scale, so no one I talk to can understand what I go through. God bless them, they try to empathize, but their well-intentioned attempts are misguided and patronizing at best.

While home alone a few weeks ago, I had to call a suicide hotline. I was that despondent. And other than for doctor's appointments, I haven't left my house since late July. Not that I physically can't--I have a shiny, red electric wheelchair, after all, and thanks to South Park I'm more afraid than ever to ride it in public (not that it wasn't without a certain level of stigma before the episode aired). Today is the one-month anniversary of the last time I actually stepped outside.

That's what my life has become. I'm so paralyzed with depression, anxiety, fear and rage that I haven't been able to act as a fully-functioning human being for several weeks. I just want to be somewhat normal again. Maybe venting like this is the first step out of darkness and despair.

Let it all out, do what makes you feel best!

As far as the electric wheel chair, just remember DGAF (Don't Give a Hoot), don't care about what everyone else thinks, it doesn't really mater. YOLO fits in good too, You Only Live Once, so live it happy and the way you want to. Don't let things put you down, do what makes you smile

[bandito]

Originally Posted by Brad

This mental illness is now crippling me in more ways than even my physical disability does (and that's saying something, because I can barely walk from my bed to the bathroom). I wish I knew what to do, but nothing is helping; not the antidepressants or therapy, anyway. And I don't know anyone in my personal life who has experienced mental illness on this scale, so no one I talk to can understand what I go through. God bless them, they try to empathize, but their well-intentioned attempts are misguided and patronizing at best.

While home alone a few weeks ago, I had to call a suicide hotline. I was that despondent. And other than for doctor's appointments, I haven't left my house since late July. Not that I physically can't--I have a shiny, red electric wheelchair, after all, and thanks to South Park I'm more afraid than ever to ride it in public (not that it wasn't without a certain level of stigma before the episode aired). Today is the one-month anniversary of the last time I actually stepped outside.

That's what my life has become. I'm so paralyzed with depression, anxiety, fear and rage that I haven't been able to act as a fully-functioning human being for several weeks. I just want to be somewhat normal again. Maybe venting like this is the first step out of darkness and despair.

Brad,
If i remember weren't you involved with a church a few years back? I don't know if you still believe, but when i'm really down i lean on my faith in god and give it all to him to help me. He's never failed me and keeps me strong.

I've battled depression before, maybe not to your extent but it's a bitch.. I feel your pain. I too didn't want to leave the house for fear either. All i can offer you is try and find a support group, people with the same problems you're going through. It helps to talk and relate with people.

Hang in there it will get better for you, i promise you that.. It did for me and it will for you too. Don't give up! I'll pray for you. Keep us posted.

[tiredmike59]

Yeah, Just hang in there.

[*ROGER*]

Brad, maybe you should try and find some type of support group to join. It would probably help you to be around supportive people who know what you are going through. It would also help for you to get out of the house more. Like Gilligan Finatic said, DON'T GIVE A HOOT about your electric wheelchair. Even if it means just leaving the house to attend a support group. You might want to consider it.

I hope you feel better about yourself soon. And I hope you find the strength to deal with your life. Bandito had an interesting idea about going to church. That might help for you to be involved with church activities, but I think you might get more out of a support group that deals with individuals who have similar situations as yourself.

Try to have hope for the future.

[Nighthawk76]

I'm very sorry, Brad. I can relate since because of my dad's heart attack and all the stress its brought on I've been having some major periods of depression over the course of the last few months. Anyone who has followed me on facebook knows that I came very close to commiting suicide two weeks ago before my sister talked me out of it. My problem is sort of the opposite of your's in that I don't have mental illness but am just in a bad rut and am having trouble getting out of it. Seeing your dad collapse in front of you and seeing him in a coma for two and a half weeks is going to mess with your mind! I do hope that both of us can find some peace.

[AKA]

Thank you, everyone, for your love and concern. It really does mean a lot to me.

When I get suicidal it's the scariest. I've never been this bad before. I don't know how to convey the emotion, other than to say that when I'm at my darkest, I want to die, but I also don't.

Somehow, I feel that people would be better off if I was no longer in the picture. I'm such a burden. I just want my loved ones to be able to live their own lives without having to tend to me. I also don't want to suffer anymore, or be around to find out what else can possibly go wrong with my body, or how quickly my condition will progress.

But at the same time, I don't want to die. Not only for my wife and son, but on the off-chance that my life may get better.

To answer the question about church, I no longer am a believer, and haven't been for about a year and a half. I would consider myself an atheist. I hope this doesn't make any of you think less of me, but I have to be honest in that regard, especially since it was a huge part of who I was for quite a while, and I wore my religion on my sleeve here on the forums.

I have been shunned by some people in my personal life over this, as well as because of my politics. I hope that doesn't happen here.

I don't know anyone personally who also has rheumatoid arthritis. I've only ever met one other person with the disease since my diagnosis almost eight years ago. I do know several people online who have it, though.

[JamesG]

Originally Posted by Brad

Somehow, I feel that people would be better off if I was no longer in the picture. I'm such a burden. I just want my loved ones to be able to live their own lives without having to tend to me. I also don't want to suffer anymore, or be around to find out what else can possibly go wrong with my body, or how quickly my condition will progress.

That's the #1 reason why most people kill themselves, they feel they are a burden to their loved ones. If you do kill yourself your son will grow up without a father and he and your wife will grieve over you for life and have only memories.

Think about that. Suicide is the coward's way out and it doesn't only affect you.

I can't say I know how hard it is myself because I don't, but I know people who have been suicidal and depressed over life situations. I helped them get through it and they are taking things step-by-step all of the time.

Have you considered getting a home attendant or some live-in aide to help you with your daily activities to ease the stress off of your family?

[dakert]

What does your wife and child say about this?

[AKA]

My wife wants me to get better, though she doesn't know the extent of my depression and I don't want to burden her with it; she already has enough to deal with in terms of taking care of me. My son is fifteen months old.

[bandito]

Originally Posted by Brad

My wife wants me to get better, though she doesn't know the extent of my depression and I don't want to burden her with it; she already has enough to deal with in terms of taking care of me. My son is fifteen months old.

Your wife needs to know the extent of it. It's not fair to her to be kept in the dark about your problems. I don't know your wife, but i would think she's a great person and would be willing to help you get help anyway she can. JamesG had some great advise, please consider what he said.

[Retro4Life]

Brad,

So very sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I can't add a lot to what has already been said, but I've found it helpful, empowering and even transformative in times of darkness to ALWAYS keep in mind family and loved ones, and how important I am to their lives. They need you, not because of your physicality or mobility but because of WHO and WHAT you are to them, and how you make them feel, how your presence in the world and their life brings them joy, love, compassion, counsel, wisdom and so much more.

Please feel free to use us as a 'sounding board' whenever you like. You've obviously made some wonderful friends here who care deeply about you. Moreover, I can tell you're a very strong person who WILL get through this.

Peace and strength to you and yours,

[tylerjjj]

Brad, I don't know if you're religious, but if you are, try to talk to the lord. I don't want to come off as that overbearing Christian nobody likes, but he is there for you and will help you through your darkest times if you let him in. Just don't lose hope, man. I'll be praying for you

[*ROGER*]

Originally Posted by tylerjjj

Brad, I don't know if you're religious, but if you are, try to talk to the lord.

Brad posted that he is an athiest. I advised him to consider a support group so he could be around people with similar situations. Also, James had some good advise for him.

[tylerjjj]

Oh okay, yeah I just read his first post and jumped to the bottom to reply. But yeah, a support group is REALLY good idea. My uncle has had problems with depression and he said going to group sessions just about saved his life.