Funny Television Quotes

[ThomasE]

Televsion show quotes:

Al Bundy: Peg. We've been married 17 years. Can we just be friends?

Roseanne Conner: (Plucks one of her husband's hairs)
Dan: Ow!
Roseanne: Edna I gotta get off the phone. Dan hurt him self.

Pam James: You look terrible as usual.
Martin Payne: How come I just woke up, but you the one with the morning breath?

Rose Nylund: Would you rather listen to Sophia saying "Picture it, Cicily"? In 7 years I've never been able to picture Cicily. So either bring a picuture or shut-up!

A.C. Slater: Hey babe, you want to have a burger with a real man?
Jessie Spano: Sure. I'll go look for one.

Lisa Hayes: I cleaned all the frogs legs
Arnold Jackson: (pointing @ Lisa's legs) Oops! You missed a couple!

Jack Tripper: I promise you Mr. Roper my relationship to the girls will be platonic.
Mr. Roper: What do you mean Platonic?
Mrs. Roper: It's like you and me Stanley.


Vinton Harper upset about his bowling ball) My orange flourescent polyurathane pinbuster is gone.
Ellen Harper Jackson: Oh Nonsense.(Pointing at Vint's wife, Naomi) She's sitting right there.
Naomi: I'm gonna break you teeth, Ellen. Pass em' over.

Al leaves Peg.
Peg: Thanks, Al. After 25 years, you're finally leaving me satisified!

Rose Nylund:Hey, I've got an idea!
Blanche, Sophia and Oliver:Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Alicia: (Looking at Hakeem pass by) Thug!
Hakeem Looking at Alicia's Hair) Rug!

Florida Evans: J.J. go bathe
J.J.: Aw, ma. Why can't I just be like Thelma and spray on some cologne?
Thelma: You're just jealous because the only spray they make for you is RAID!

Peg:Al has never had good aim. You've seen our bathroom.
Marcy: And your children.

Pamela James Asking Martin Payne) Why don't you go look for snow white and your six little other friends?

Rose Nylund: Congradulate me, Sophia, I finished that jigsaw puzzle.
Sophia: Big deal. It took you 6 months.
Rose Nylund: On the box it said "2 to 4 years".

Walter: This is a frozen chicken dinner!
Maude: Walter, if you think that's frozen, just wait till you find out what's in bed tonight.

Stanley: (addressing Mrs. Roper) I'll take care of you later.
Helen: Promises. Promises!

Nancy: Cassie. You know I don't allow personal phone calls during business hours.
Cassie: That's because you don't get any!

Cassie: Hey Amy. I was going through my closet and found some things for your sale that I don't wear.
Amy: These are men's suits.
Cassie: Told ya!

Cassie: Dot's little doggie is being evicted and she can't find a home for it.
Amy: I'll take him.
Dot:You will?
Amy: Sure. It gets lonely at home sometimes.
Cassie :Why don't you get a man?
Amy: I don't need a man. I just want something to be there when I get home to jump in my lap, lick my face and catch a bone when I throw it.
Cassie: You can get a man to do that.

Steve Urkell: A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
Laura: Yeah. But what are you gonna do?

Judge Judy: (address the plaintiff) Why are you talking? You're winning. Be quiet!

Naomi: I am not a bleach blonde. This hair is completely natural.
Eunice:I've seen more natural hair on a dime store dummy!
Naomi: Oh. I was wondering where you bought your clothes!

[Sean Snow]

Janet (Thinks Chrissy's dieing : Chrissy.....when are you.......you know......leaving?
Chrissy: Around noon!

"Chrissy, you know what you are? You're a compulsive eater!"- Jack Tripper
"I am not! I just can't stop eating!"- Christmas Snow

"May you have Happy Days!"- Jack
"Good Times!"- Janet
"Little house on the prairie!"- Chrissy

"You just ruined that girl!"- Jack
"I didn't even touch her!"- Mr. Furley

"Chrissy, did you lock the door?"- Janet
"Why is it always me? Chrissy, Chrissy, Chrissy! Why not Jack!"- Chrissy
"Did you leave the door open?"- Jack
"Well, yes........"- Chrissy

[factsoflife]

Maxwell- I don't want anymore stress added to fran

Fran ( on the ground in elevator, about to give birth as elevator doors shut)- Stress Added!

Clueless-
Cher- Sean?
Dee- Murray?
Amber- Moesha? (cher and dee look at her funny), What it could be an crossover episode!

Amber- Chimps, i'm working with chimps!


in one of ambers dream sequence's
Guys come out sining- She's amber, She's amber, the one with the flaming hair

amber says- What did u expect dionne? I'm no cher!

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" high school is a battelfield, for the heart."- Angelea, My so-called life.

" Gross-a-roo"- punky brewster
" punky power" punky brewster
"as if"- clueless
"chimps, i'm working with chipms"- amber, cLueless.

[factsoflife]

Golden Girls-

Doorbell rings, dorothy opens door and see's stan, then slams it in his faces, doorbell rings again, she opens door again. Stan- Dorothy, it's me, stan, didn't you reconige me? Dorothy- yes, thats why i slammed the door in your face!



------------------
" high school is a battelfield, for the heart."- Angelea, My so-called life.

" Gross-a-roo"- punky brewster
" punky power" punky brewster
"as if"- clueless
"chimps, i'm working with chipms"- amber, cLueless.

[factsoflife]

Friends- Ross to Monica- Cheater, Cheater, Compulsive eater.

------------------
" high school is a battelfield, for the heart."- Angelea, My so-called life.

" Gross-a-roo"- punky brewster
" punky power" punky brewster
"as if"- clueless
"chimps, i'm working with chipms"- amber, cLueless.

[Fanof227]

When Penny calls Willona mom for the first time.

When Sandra comes in and sees what Brenda is having for lunch as she leaves for school.
Sandra:Hmm had an agrument with your mother again? (I guess when those two agure she gets the same thing everytime for lunch.)

When Tamera is worried about what her and Tia will look like when they are adults.

Tia: Now Tia don't be silly we have the best genes in town. Look at our parents they are nice looking.
Tamera: Knock knock we are adopted

Wilson:I am reminded of......

Theo: I can understand the pressure of being a parent (something along that line)
Clair: Now what have you understood? I don't understand you. How can you possible understand me?

When Elvin and Sondra have their first fight, and the family is talking about old times. (Showing clips from the last 2 seasons.)

Elvin:Why haven't you told me this stuff before?
Cliff: We thought that if we did you might now show up for the wedding.

Plus tons more from The Cosby Show

[Penny Lane]

When Arnold Horshak announces to the class that Horshak means....The cattle are dying.

[Fanof227]

In the Happy Day espoide when Al and Fonz go down somplace to put on a demestration. And Howard isn't happy about his tv needing to go to the repair shop. And when he comes home and sees it is back, he goes "Oh Happy Days" then the ending credits play. I think it was cute since that is the name of the show.

[Ags2000]

This is one of my favorite quotes. It is a bit long, but worth the reading. I laugh every time I read it because I can just picture it going on.

D

------------------
Jo: A clock.
Nat: Uh.
Jo: I need a clock.
Nat: Uh.
Jo: Mrs. Garrett I'm taking your egg timer.
Mrs G: Uh, okay.
Nat: Jo wait!
Jo: And a fuse, I need a fuse. Oh it's no good, I'll mix up some stuff in the science lab.
Mrs G: What are you making, a bomb? hahaha
Nat: YES! YES!
Mrs G: WHAT!!
Jo: I'm gonna roll it through their front door and then POW boy POW, dead Kawasaki's all over the street.
Mrs G: I take it you didn't get the job. May I have those matches?Please!
Jo: That's right, I DID NOT GET THE JOB! DID ANYBODY MISS THAT? I DID NOT GET THE JOB! Go ahead Blair, hit me with your best shot, go ahead.
Blair: (silence)
Nat: Oh Blair, you can do better then that.

[factsoflife]

Facts of life-

Andy- Sexy Lingrie, That's you, i named you sexy lingire..
Tootie- Oh, say you didn't
Jo- I will NOT be known as sexy lingire.

Desining Women-

Bernice- BLACK MAN, BLACK MAN!

Carlene- What do ya'll think of my apartment?
Mary Jo- Well, Hell hole comes to mind

Julia- And That Marjorie, just so you know is the night the lights went out in Georgia!

Charlene- Suzanne, imagine being strapped to a sewing machine for hours.. you wouldn't like that kind of work would you?
Julia- You wouldn't like any kind of work, would you suzanne?
Suzanne- No, No I wouldn't!

Suzanne- Ms. Wilder, just one more question.. if the pictuers in your magazine are so peachy keen, then why don't we see you airbrushed, and eagle spread in a centerfold?

Teri- Well, i personanlly find the National Enquier offensive, so what if i tried to stop them from distrubting that?
Charlene gasps in shock...
Suzanne- well you hit home with that one!

Clueless-

Amber- Chimps, I'm Working with Chimps!

Dionne- ( looking at the dent of Cher's Car)-
It's Cybill Shepherd..
Amber- No, it's not, there's only one chin!


------------------
Jo- Sexy Lingere?
Andy- Yep, Sexy lingerie that's you, that's what i named you.
Tootie- Oh, say you didn't
Jo- I Will not be known as sexy lingerie.

" Gross-a-roo"- Punky Brewster.

[rossnrach4ever]

Susan: There's mother's day , there's father's day ...there's no lesbian lovers day!
Ross: Every day is lesbian lover day.

Ross: You should ask the doctor how to deliver a baby that's half human and half pure evil.

Joey: It's a moo point.

Phoebe: I'm not just a pretty face with an ass that won't quit.

[Belair]

The Cosby Show

Theo: I mean, you're a doctor, Dad. And Mom is a lawyer. But I don't love you any more because of that! So if I just want to do something normal with my life, then maybe you should accept it and love me because I'm your son.
Cliff: Theo... that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D's in everything! You're afraid to try because you're afraid your brain is going to explode and it's going to ooze out of your ears. Now I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you're going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out!

When Vanessa was complaining about being "rich"
Cliff: Your mother and I are rich; you have nothing.

From the episode where Theo bought an expensive designer shirt-gotta be one of my favourites!

Cliff:Cliff: No boy should have a $95 shirt unless he is onstage with his four brothers.

Theo: Hey dad. Am I really in that much trouble?
Cliff: Let me tell you something. Your mother and I go into the kitchen. You can go out and get in MY car. You can drive BACKWARDS to Coney Island, run over the hot dog man and TWO stop signs and you won't be in any more trouble than you are in now.

From the episode where Theo gets an earring and is trying to hide it by wearing headphones

Cliff: Son?
Theo: Yeah, Dad?
Cliff: There's no music coming through the headset. You still bopping to what's left in your brain?

Married With Children

Peg: What do you do at the mall, anyway?
Kelly: Nothing.
Bud: You know what they do? Sometimes they look in the shoe store... and laugh at daddy.
Kelly: Well, all the kids do. It's not like they know he's my father.

Al: The phone bill came. Let's see...There's some big fat calls to Milwaukee. Peg, do you know anyone big and fat in Milwaukee?
Peg (on the phone) Hold on, mom.
Al: That's right,your mother.

Al: Who called Vancouver? Peg, did your mother get so fat she spread across the border?

Peg: Men are such idiots and I married their king.

Peg: You're just jealous of the dog.
Al: I'm jealous of everyone not married to you.

Al: I'm tracking down Seven's real parents. Nobody sticks Al Bundy with unwanted kids except his wife.

Peggy: I can't believe you still have that car.
Al: I can't believe I still have you.

Al: Hi, Peg, and before you say "Hi, the milkman", it's me.
Peggy: I know, I have a nose.

Al: [singing] Old Mc Bundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y. With-a no wife here and a-no kids there. A hooker coming over on Friday nights. With big luscious hooters, a pizza, and a beer there. Old Mc Bundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.

Al: What do I need a computer for?
Marcy: News updates.
Al: Newspaper.
Marcy: Social events.
Al: TV Guide.
Steve: Recipes.
Al: Don't eat.
Steve: Doctor's appointments.
Al: Don't care.

Al singing the theme song to Psycho Dad
Al
Who's that riding into the sun.
Who's the man with the itchy gun.
Who's the man who kills for fun!
Psycho Dad. Psycho Dad. Psycho Dad!
He sleeps with a gun, but he loves his son.
Killed his wife 'cause she weighed a ton... Psycho Dad!

Al's Nudie Bar song
Al
Where the music stinks, and they water the drinks, the nudie bar.
Where the girlies dance in their underpants, the nudie bar.
Where you see their butt, and their trap stays shut, at the nudie bar.

Where you can't touch a breast, but you can cave in a chest, at the nudie bar.
Where you look at a thigh, and blacken an eye, at the nudie bar.
Where the beer gives you gas, but the Bundys kick ass, at the nudie bar.

The Nanny

Fran: I was just trying to be the woman behind the man
Maxwell: Well how would you like to be the woman behind the BURGER KING COUNTER!

Gracie: I ran away. I took a limo.
Fran to Sylvia) I ran away, I took a banana

Max to Fran: I was just thinking, before you came into my life I never had the need for an emergency transvestite

(Maxwell´s mother wants the tulips Fran´s holding)
Max´s mother: I had my eye on those.
Fran:Well, I had my eye on Antonio Banderas but I ain´t taking him home either

Maggie: Uh, Yetta, I'm doing a book report, and they're out of it at Blockbuster, and well, I was wondering how much do you know about the Titanic?
Yetta: Oooh, top of the line, they had a midnight buffet on deck, and the ice sculpture....HUGE!! ( Ice Sculpture!)

Sylvia (to skinny sales lady): It's obvious you're cranky because you haven't had lunch. (To Fran) Ever.

Seinfeld

George Costanza: I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual".

Jerry: Kramer, I can't do that. It's illegal.
Kramer: It's not illegal.
Jerry: It's against the law.
Kramer: Well, yeah...

George Costanza: Maybe if he could see me with some of my black friends...
Jerry: That would be great except that you don't really have any black friends.
Outside of us, you don't really have any white friends, either...

[rossnrach4ever]

"You know all those nasty things I have said to you and all those nasty tricks I played on you, " Hawkeye.
Margaret: Yes.
Hawkeye: I'd like to get well and do them all over again.