The Honeymooners characters going to Italy:

[Frank Gannucci]

Note: Since I am going on a cruise around Italy next week, I thought about this scenerio. Guess which episodes I got some of the dialogue from.

(The Kramdens & Ed arrive at the dock of the Celebrity Cruiseline.)

Ralph: "Boy Norton, I can't believe it. Because we won that Flakey-Wakey contest, we are going on a cruise to Italy."

Ed: "Hey, wait until all the people down the sewer hear about my vacation."

Alice: "Where's Trixie? She's going to miss the boat."

(Trixie arrives carrying all the luggage for Ed & herself.)

Trixie (sarcastically): "Thanks for helping me Ed."

Ed: "Hey my arms are hurt. I can't lift up an item that weighs more than 5 pounds."

(Ralph's eyes roll back.)

(Alice's parents arrive.)

Alice's Mom: "Hi Sonny Boy!"

Ralph (to Alice, yells): "ALICE, WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?"

Alice: "Without her, you would have never gotten to eat every one of those Flakey-Wakies. She supplied the money after you invested it in that phony oil stock."

Ralph: "All right, she can come. I can't wait to see the person Harry Vederchi. He is a very famous Italian."

Alice: "Ralph, that person doesn't exist. What you heard was 'Arriverderchi.'"

(Alice's Mom laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

Man: "Sir, what are you going to do when you arrive in Italy?"

Ralph: "What am I going to do?" (singing): "When I arrive in Italy, I am going to explore/The many famous things that Italy is famous for/I am going to visit all the smart cafes and have a round of drinks/When I arrive in Italy, I am going to see the Sphinx..."

Everyone: "THE SPHINX?"

Ralph: "Yeah, the Sphinx."

Everyone: "IN ITALY, THERE'S A SPHINX?"

Everyone including Ralph (sing): "You can see it in Italy."

(Everyone boards the ship.)

Captain (through bullhorn): "ALL ASHORE THAT'S GOING ASHORE."

(The ship's horns sounds.)

(Ralph & Ed are on the ship's dock.)

Ralph: "Well, here we are Norton. On the ship's dock. Let's sit down."

(They sit down.)

Ed: "Can you put the blanket on me?"

Ralph: "Sure."

(Ralph does.)

Ralph: "Can you put my blanket on me?"

Ed: "Sure."

(Ed gets up and puts the blanket on Ralph.)

Ed: "Now, do the smae thing for me?"

(Ralph starts to, but stops.)

Ralph: "You are not going to get me that easy."

(Ed starts to write a postcard.)

Ed: "'Dear Harry: Having a wonderful time. Give my regards to Bruce. Signed Ed Norton.' 'Dear Bruce: Having a wonderful time. Give my regards to Harry. Signed Ed Norton.' 'Dear Smith: Having a wonderful time. Give my regards to Bruce and Harry. Signed Ed Norton.' 'Dear Nat: Having a wonderful time. Give my regards to Bruce, Harry & Smith. Signed Ed Norton.' 'Dear O' Hara: Having a wonderful time. Give my regards to Bruce, Harry, Nat & Smith but they might be busy giving regards to each..."

Ralph (yells): "STOP THAT!"

(Ed starts to walk around the ship. He goes into the life savingboat.)

Ralph: "Norton, don't go in that boat. It's dangerous. Suppose, the
boat's rope gets loose and you fall in?"

Ed: "Big deal. I know how to swim. I work in the sewer you know."

(Ralph goes to Ed and goes into the boat.)

Ralph: "Norton, come on get out of the boat."

(The boat's rope rips because of Ralph's weight.)

Ralph & Ed (falling, yells): "DUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

(Splash!)

(Two men walk by.)

Man #1: "Nothing ever happens on the Celebrity Cruise ships."

Man #2: "Let's just hope that this boat doesn't get hit by a big wave."

(The boys get rescued. They are soaking wet.)

Alice: "Ralph & Ed, how could you do such a thing?"

Ed: "Well, it was partially Ralph's fault. He needs to lose weight. When we hit the water, Ralph looked like an island."

(Ralph is getting seasick.)

Ed: "Come on Ralph. Time to sing: "'I never felt better in my life.'"

Ralph (sings): "I never felt better in my..." (not singing): "Whooaaaaaaaaaa!...Now, I feel better. Boy, this ship is like a regular city. There's a movie theater, several night clubs, several shops. It's like we haven't left New York."

Trixie: "Yeah, it's a good thing we went on a cruise. You know Ed believes that if you should see a country, you should see every bit of America first. So far, among the places we have visited this year are Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton and soon I would love to scratch of Norton. Ha ha ha."

(They arrive in Italy. When they stop at the hotel, Ralph can't get out of the car.)

Ralph (yells): "I AM STUCK!"

Ed: "Well, you did go to an an all-you-can-eat-buffet. You ate the most of the food there and it shows."

Ralph: "Norton, keep this up and you will be swimming with the fish."

Ed: "I will get something."

(He does.)

Ed: "I got some Oliveoil."

Ralph (yells): "WAIT A MINUTE! ALL RIGHT ED!"

(Ralph gets out.)

Ralph (yells): "PUT 'EM UP!..." (normally): "Wait a minute. I am free. Thank you Norton."

Alice's Mom: "When we get into the restaurant Ralph, don't eat all the pizzas like a fat slob or you would never be able to get around Italy with your weight and these cars."

(Ralph and Alice's mother have a shouting match with everybody playing peacemaker.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie (yells): "THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT."

(Audience cheers.)

(The end.)