Episode Reviews: Script of “Alice’s Birthday” & “Lawsuit”:

[Frank Gannucci]

Episode Reviews: Script of “Alice’s Birthday” & “Lawsuit”:

Episode #199
DVD: MPI MIGHT release this episode along with a few other short color sketches.
Color & Lost Episode Title: “Alice’s Birthday.”

I haven't seen the 60s version but I am assuming it's the same as its Lost Episode counterpart except for a few things.

Even though on the DVD Box Set, it says that the script for “Missing Pair of Pants” is there, when you click on it, it’s the script for “Alice’s Birthday.” There is also another link to “Alice’s Birthday” entitled, of course, “Alice’s Birthday.” Looks like MPI struck out again.

This script is easier to read then “Easter Hats” but it is a little blurry. I will try my best.

The announcer introduces us to the show.

Trixie comes by and wishes Alice a Happy Birthday with a hug and a gift. Alice says that she is going to put 25 candles on her cake this year. Alice doesn’t want to admit her real age. (In real life, Shelia was only 44.) Alice says that Ralph is going to give her a nylon slip. Ralph doesn’t even know that he is going to give her a nylon slip yet. Every year, Ralph forgets to buy Alice a present. Tonight, some of her friends are going to drop in. They do for every one of her birthdays. Every year, Ralph gets embarrassed when they give me gifts and Ralph doesn’t have one for her. To make sure that it doesn’t happen this time, she asked Jo Anne’s Lingerie to send a nylon slip to her as Ralph’s gift. She even dictated a romantic card. Alice asks Trix for some glasses. Trixie says that she only has six of them but on of them says: “I’m a big girl. I drink all my milk.” (Ed got it by mistake when he sent in a box top. He was expecting a space cadet helmet.)

Ralph comes home and tells Alice that a kid got on the bus and causes trouble. He thought that the kid was abandoned and was going to take him to the depot at the end of the line. When he got to a bus stop, the kid’s mother comes on and says she left him on the bus because where else can you get a babysitter for a dime? Ha! The girls go upstairs. Ed says that when he was supposed to quit at five one time and he ended up leaving the job at eight-thirty because some person parked their car on top of the manhole cover. A boy arrives with a package for Alice. Ralph found out again. It’s Alice’s birthday. He asks Ed to go down to the candy store and get the biggest box of candy that they have with ribbons and everything. Take it to your place and I will pretend that I had it there all the time. Ralph reads the romantic card and assumes that since the card wasn’t signed, that there is another guy in Alice’s life. Ralph: “I’m with her every night.” You can tell that this is one of the earlier episodes. According to later episodes, Ralph is out most nights of the week. Ed claims that Alice sees Charlie the Butcher every day and that it can be him. Ralph: “How can you tell if it’s from a butcher by just looking at the envelope?” Ed: “Maybe the envelope has sawdust in it.” Ralph is so upset and convinced that there is another guy in Alice’s life that he will move to the Y.M.C.A. tonight. Ed says that the Y.M.C.A. is a good place and if he doesn’t make amends with Alice, he can become a good handball player. Ralph notices that Alice made d'oueves and because of that, she will have a lot of people over. He will stick around and expose this home wrecker. When they get here, all Ralph will do is mention the words “Love you Hon and forever.” (A sentence that was a part of the romantic card.) When he sees the person react to it, he will nab the guilty party. If that doesn’t work, he will use his ace in the hole. He will compare everyone’s handwriting to the handwriting on the card.

Alice comes down and tells Ed that dinner is ready. Ed leaves. Ralph notices that Alice is wearing her best dress. Alice: “I know you always forget. Today, I am one year older.” Ralph: “Today, I am five years older.” Ralph sarcastically wishes her a happy birthday. Alice puckers her lips expecting Ralph to kiss her. Ralph doesn’t so Alice asks Ralph what is eating him. Ralph asks Alice what she did today. Alice said that she made the dishes, fixed the bed, waxed the kitchen floor, washed his shirts and hung them on the roof, washed the windows, mended his socks, went out to pay the gas bills, went to the market, took his shirts down and ironed them. After that, she claims that she went down to the employment agency and interviewed butlers. Ha! Ralph: “One of these days, pow right in the kisser.” A knock on the door is heard. It’s Alice’s friends. Ralph goes into the bedroom. Alice lets them in. Its two women and three men. One of the men is fat and an unlikely suspect. The people ad-lib “Happy Birthdays” & “Helloes.”

Ralph comes out. The first man says that Ralph is pretty lucky to have a wife like Alice. Ralph gets suspicious that the first guy (who Ralph calls Frank) is the “home wrecker.” Ralph: “So, you think I got a pretty wife, huh?” Frank: “Yeah.” Ralph: “’I love you Hon and forever.’ Does that mean anything to you?” Frank: “Yeah, you are drunk.” Ha! Ralph asks Frank to get out a pencil and a piece of paper. Frank asks why. Ralph: “I need to know your address.” Frank: “I live right in the next apartment.” Oh boy! Ralph: “I need it in case I move.” Frank complies. Ralph takes the paper and compares the writing to the writing on the card. Ralph then tells him to get a drink and gives him his address back. Ralph asks for George but since George was the fat one, he assumes that it can’t be him. Ralph calls Henry over. He asks Henry what he gave Alice for her birthday. Henry says that he didn’t give her anything. I told the store to deliver it. Ralph assumes that Henry is the guy and demands that Henry put up his dukes. Alice gets upset. Henry lightly taps Ralph in the face. Cue Ralph’s pain bit. Alice’s friends all leave. They ad-lib their goodbyes. Ralph accuses Alice of being in love with Henry. He proves it by showing the present and card that Henry “sent.” Alice explains the whole thing. She says that since Ralph never remembers her birthday and when people give her gifts, Ralph gets embarrassed. So she asked Jo Anne’s Lingerie to send a nylon slip to her as Ralph’s gift with a card so Ralph wouldn’t get embarrassed. She says that Ralph humiliated her. Ralph apologizes that he ruined her birthday. He says that he is not very bright. He says that he loves Alice and gets jealous when one man even takes a look at her. He says that he is going for a walk when Alice says that she is all puckered up. They embrace and kiss.

Episode #200
DVD: MPI MIGHT release this episode along with a few other short color sketches.

I haven't seen the 60s version but I am assuming it's the same as its Lost Episode counterpart except for a few things.

Alice is cleaning the window. Ralph comes out with a cast around his broken leg. Jackie did break his leg once during his variety show several weeks prior to making the lost episode version of this episode. That might have served as inspiration for the original script. Ralph wants a pad and paper. Alice: "Why can't you get it yourself?" Ralph says that he can't do anything in the condition that he is in. Alice: "How did you get out here?" Ralph: "Don't change the subject." Alice complains that all she has done in the past six weeks is wait on Ralph hand and foot. So, Ralph says that will stop. If he can't get something, he will do without it. That lasts for a few seconds. Typical Ralph. Ralph says that after he sues the bus company for $75,000, he will get some money to use for spending. Imagine, in "The Safety Award", Ralph says he had no accidents on the bus. Alice says that after this ridiculous lawsuit, Ralph will have no job. Ralph: "With the money I will have left over, I will be a millionaire." Doesn't Ralph know that when you sue someone, you are supposed to use the money to pay off the injury so to speak and Ralph must stink at Math for him to think he will be a millionaire with the money he will have left over. Ralph explains the whole accident. It was raining and the windshield wipers weren't working and because of that, he got into an accident. It was the bus company's responsibility to make sure that the wipers work. Ralph says with the dough, he will open up a grocery store in Jersey City. Hey, that's my mom's old hometown. Ralph: "We will be living on Easy Street just because I broke my leg. I must be the luckiest guy in the world." Sure, he's lucky.

Ralph tries to get up so he can put some weight on his broken leg when Ed Norton comes in. Ralph explains that he is trying to put some weight on his broken leg. Ed: "You are just the boy that can do it." Ed cracks walnuts when Ralph is doing this so Ralph thinks he broke his leg again and when he hears that was Ed cracking walnuts, he gets mad at Ed. Alice goes into the bedroom. Ed says he got off the phone with a lawyer and explained the whole case to him. According to the lawyer, the case is perfect. Ralph explains that to Alice and she says she will buy a mink coat. Ralph: "She is just jealous because I have the broken leg."

Ed explains an accident he had in the sewer once. A manhole cover fell on his head and since he couldn't prove it did any damage, the layers said he had no case. He also explains a similar situation that happened to a family member he knows. His story is so whacked that Ralph thinks that every member of his family should drive off to Bellevue. A claims adjuster from the bus company comes and offers Ralph back pay for the time he missed while recuperating and complete payment of his medical bills, but Ralph refuses the offer. Ed says that a person he knows had a situation that is similar to what happened to Ralph. That person stubbed his toe on the edge of the Grand Canyon. Ha! Ralph says that he is suing. The claim adjuster leaves and wishes Ralph good luck. Ed says that Ralph has got his broken leg. He tries to hit it softly but ends up hurting Ralph.

Alice comes back. She saw and talked to the claim adjuster. This is the dumbest thing that Ralph ever did. Ralph: "You won't be saying that when we are living on Park Avenue." Alice: "I thought you were going to open a grocery store in Jersey." Ralph: "I'll commute." The lawyer comes in (he is played by George Petrie). The lawyer explains he whole case to everyone but says that the fault of the accident rests on the driver's shoulders. D'oh! Not something Ralph wanted to hear. Ralph explains that he was the driver. The lawyer, shocked leaves. Ed leaves too. Ralph has no case after all, and, after kicking the adjuster out of the apartment, maybe no job either. Ed leaves. Ralph apologizes to Alice. Alice forgives Ralph. They hug and kiss.