Check Your Resumes... - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

TJ · 01-27-2002, 10:55 AM

THE SHALLOW END OF THE GENE POOL CONTINUES TO EXPAND
These are taken from real Résumés and Cover Letters, and were printed in the July 21st issue of "Fortune" Magazine:

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

These quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."

These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:

1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. He's so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
10. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

Babes_Cat · 01-27-2002, 01:53 PM

HAHA! Those are great!

HAHAHHA!

K don't mind me, I'm on the CSDTMYMU again! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ricky175 · 01-27-2002, 02:01 PM

Warm & Fuzzy · 01-27-2002, 02:13 PM

Caitlin, you;re on that drug again? LOL

Tisk Tisk. Shame Shame.

KerriBerri687 · 01-27-2002, 02:19 PM

hehe those are funny duude!!

Chocoholic · 01-27-2002, 03:10 PM

Too funny!

Kay Scarpetta · 01-27-2002, 03:57 PM

omg...

too funny

ks · 01-27-2002, 05:05 PM

And I thought I had issues

HILARIOUS!

ks

Babes_Cat · 01-27-2002, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Jo's the bomb
Caitlin, you;re on that drug again? LOL

Tisk Tisk. Shame Shame.

Yeah, *sighs* Im on CSDTMYMU again..... HELP ME!

DAMN U JENNY! U changed ur avator, i liek dteh bunny better!

Kay Scarpetta · 01-27-2002, 09:26 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Teddys_Gurl
DAMN U JENNY! U changed ur avator, i liked the bunny better!

Yea me toooooo LOL. In the words of Dana...

"Run Bunnay Run"

Dude111 · 01-01-2025, 10:14 AM

Those are funny Todd

01-27-2002, 10:55 AM	#1
TJ Site Owner Administrator Forum Star Join Date: Feb 03, 2000 Location: Marietta, GA Posts: 10,726	Check Your Resumes... THE SHALLOW END OF THE GENE POOL CONTINUES TO EXPAND These are taken from real Résumés and Cover Letters, and were printed in the July 21st issue of "Fortune" Magazine: 1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms." 2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." 4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." 5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people." 8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." 9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." 10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments." 11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." 12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail." 13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." 14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant." 15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." 16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore." 17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." 18. "Marital status: often. Children: various." 19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers." 20. "Finished eighth in class of ten." 21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me." These quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be." 4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." 7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 8. "This employee is depriving a village of an idiot." 9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better." These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals: 1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 2. A room temperature IQ. 3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 6. Bright as Alaska in December. 7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 8. He's so dense, light bends around him. 9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 10. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

01-27-2002, 02:13 PM	#4
Warm & Fuzzy Member Forum Fanatic Join Date: Feb 02, 2001 Posts: 10,254	Caitlin, you;re on that drug again? LOL Tisk Tisk. Shame Shame.
	__________________ "To the world, you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world." ~Unknown

01-27-2002, 02:19 PM	#5
KerriBerri687 defying gravity Senior Member Join Date: Jan 13, 2001 Location: you'll find me in Emerald City...I'm the green one with the flying monkeys Posts: 2,869	hehe those are funny duude!!
	__________________ *.:[K][E][R][R][ I]:.* So if you care to find me, look to the western sky. As someone told me lately; 'Everyone deserves the chance to fly', and if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free. To all those who'd ground me, take a message back from me: Tell them how I'm defying gravity. I'm flying high, defying gravity *insanity is like heaven*

01-27-2002, 03:57 PM	#7
Kay Scarpetta Defy Gravity 8.26.05 Forum Superstar Join Date: Jul 04, 2001 Location: La Vie Boheme Posts: 28,013	omg... too funny
	__________________ The people who think they know everything about Broadway make me laugh. They've never seen a Broadway play in their life. "oh mi godddd RENT's a mooovie! lyke 525600 minuuuuuuutes!" No. To be a Broadway Freak, you must live, eat, sleep, study, devout, think, obsess, dream, believe Broadway. You must know original & revival casts, soundtracks, performance runs, dates, theatres, numbers, how many Tony Awards A Chorus Line won. You must be Broadway. That's right bitches. I AM Broadway.

01-27-2002, 05:05 PM	#8
ks Certifiably Insane Forum Veteran Join Date: Dec 21, 2000 Location: I live in my hole... Posts: 5,501	And I thought I had issues HILARIOUS! ks
	__________________ "Ya gotta have a little faith." C.D. DeLerenzo

01-27-2002, 01:53 PM	#2
Babes_Cat Member Forum Superstar Join Date: Oct 11, 2001 Location: massachusetts Posts: 34,145	HAHA! Those are great! HAHAHHA! K don't mind me, I'm on the CSDTMYMU again! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

01-27-2002, 02:01 PM	#3
Ricky175 Member Forum Hawk Join Date: Jan 27, 2002 Posts: 4

01-27-2002, 03:10 PM	#6
Chocoholic Member Forum Star Join Date: Dec 01, 2000 Location: Between a rock and a hard place. Posts: 11,235	Too funny!

01-01-2025, 10:14 AM	#11
Dude111 Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 05, 2013 Posts: 36,782	Those are funny Todd