Ralph Kramden, a NY/NJ NHL fan? (Part 1) (2012)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers beat the Ottawa Senators 4-2.)

(The girls are playing checkers in the Kramden apartment.)

Trixie: "Checkmate."

Alice: "You win. Speaking of winning, I wonder where are our boys are."

Trixie: "I bet that they are eclebrating thier lungs out that the Rangers won."

Alice: "I only hope that they don't cause a scene when they arrive home."

Ralph & Ed (from hallway, singing loudly and off-key): "WE ARE THE WINNNNNNNNNERS...OF THE WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLD."

(They enter.)

Ralph: "Boy, when the Rangers show up to play, they dooooo."

Ed: "They really showed up even though they lost some steam at the end."

Alice: "Ralph."

Trixie: "Ed."

Alice: "I thought you two would have more common sense coming in here at 11:55p and singing at the top of your lungs."

Trixie: "Yeah."

Ralph: "Tonight, is our night to howl. The Rangers really showed those BUM Senators. Time for the Rangers to win on Saturday. I bet those Rangers really got those Senators worried."

Ed: "I got a question. Why are they called Senators when they are not even close to being associated with Congress?"

Ralph: "Norton, you have been hit on the head by one too many manhole covers."

Trixie: "Ed and Ralph, they are people in this building that may be sound asleep like McGarrity upstairs."

Ralph (sarcastically): "Oooooh, I wouldn't want to awake McGarrity and rub in his face that the Rangers won. He might get mad. Hahahahaha. I DON'T CARE."

Alice: "Ralph, I forgot to tell you. Saturday night, we have to go to my Mother's and Father's. We are taking them out."

Ralph (yells): "WHAT? I AM NOT SPENDING MY SATURDAY NIGHT WITH THAT BLABBERMOUTH. SHE CAUSED ME TO MISS OUT ON A MILLION DOLLARS ON AT LEAST TWO ST. PATRICK DAYS. I AM NOT GOING."

Alice (yells): "YOU ARE."

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT."

Alice (yells): "YOU ARE."

Ralph (yells): "I AM NOT."

Alice (yells): "YOU ARE NOT."

Ralph (yells): "I AM...I MEAN I AM NOT."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

(Ed & Trixie leave.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph & Ed come home wearing Raccoon uniforms.)

Ralph: “Alice, we are home.”

Alice (from the bedroom, yells): “I WILL BE OUT RALPH.”

Ed: “Boy, those Panthers really got what they deserved.”

Ralph: ‘Yeah. Those Panthers got beat by the Devils. There is however one thing about those Panthers that the Devils don’t have. They get to play in that action city: Miami, Florida.”

(Audience cheers.)

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: “Hi Ed! Hi Ralph!”

Ralph: “Hello sweetie. Did you see the game? I know that me and Ed did down at the lodge. It looks like my dream of seeing the Devils and Rangers face off in the third round is going to happen.”

Ed: “Ralph, won’t it be better if they faced each other in the Stanley Cup final?”

Ralph: “Are you nuts? They play in the same conference. The Cup round is for the best of the East to face the best of the West.”

Ed: “So? The Devils play in the West and the Rangers play in the East.”

Ralph: “You are a mental case. Anyway, we have got to see that game on Sunday.”

Ed: “Oh Ralph, I can’t.”

Ralph: “What do you mean that you can’t?”

Ed: “Oh, I got some important errands to run that day.”

Ralph: “Oh. What are the errands?”

Ed: “Oh you see, I have to record an episode of Spongebob Squarepants for a kid neighbor of mine without commercials. I promised the kid that.”

Ralph (yells): “GET OUT GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!”

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: “Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!”

(Audience cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph & Ed walk out of MSG.)

Ralph: "Boy, what a bummer of a game. The Rangers collapsed. They had a one goal lead and they lost."

(Ed blows his nose.)

Ed: "It sure is sad. The Rangers had the best record in hockey. Now, they are three games away from going on the golf course in Miami Beach."

(Audience cheers.)

Ralph: "Yeah. Oh, those Senators are going to get theirs. Hockey may be Canada's national past time, but the Rangers will show Ottawa who is boss."

Ed: "Yeah. I can't believe that they call themselves the Senators when they are not even politicians."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ed: "Maybe it would be a good thing if Ottawa won."

Ralph: "Why do you say that?"

Ed: "Well, if Ottawa won, my sewer would be happy. Bruce and Harry are Senators fans and they want them to beat the Rangers."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! GET OUT!"

(Ed leaves. Later on, they simmer down.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph is sitting at the kitchen table all upset.)

(Ed comes down.)

Ed: "What a miserable weekend Ralph. First the Rangers, now the Devils."

Ralph: "Yes, I sooo wanted the Devils to win but they didn't. The next game they play is at the Prudential Center in Newark. You know they call that place 'The Rock.' A nickname that is shared with Audrey Meadows who by coincidene looks like Alice's identical twin."

(Audience laughs then cheers.)

Ed: "The only good things about those past two Devils games is that they won in Florida and they got to play in Miami."

Ralph: "Yeah, I heard that the Miami audiences are the BEST."

(Audience cheers.)

Ed: "Maybe the Devils will win the last three games at home. If they do, we should invite them to a Raccoon meeting. They will love it there."

Ralph: "Oh yeah. The Devils will drink along with the Raccoons. This year Norton, a NY/NJ NHL team will win the Cup."

(They both sing a song about the Stanley Cup.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience applauds.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph & Ed have just watched the game in Ralph's apartment.)

Ralph: "What a thriller of a game Norton. I thought that the Rangers were done for."

Ed: "Yeah. Ottawa is a tough team. They almost got goals in."

Ralph: "Yeah. What a great job by those goaltenders."

Ed: "I didn't tell you this. I was a hockey player once."

Ralph: "Oh!"

Ed: "Yes. They made me the goaltender. I set new standards for the team I was on when I was in school."

Ralph: "Oh, what were they?"

Ed: "I was the goaltender that allowed the most pucks to go into the net."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph: "You know that Joe Fenstablau at work is betting that both teams, the Devils and Rangers lose in the first round. I am going to make a bet with him. If one of them gets eliminated, I will not eat for 24 hours. I can do it."

Ed: "Yeah but it will be rough on the farmers."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph just watched the game.)

Ralph: "How could the Devils do this Alice? How could they blow a three goal lead?"

Alice: "You are asking me?"

Ralph: "Yeah. I am asking you."

Alice: "Oh, you think that I am a hockey analyst."

Ralph: "Ooooooh. Boy, for that team to blow a lead like that, it has got to be deflating. All I know is if I was on that team, I would be sure to capitalize on the lead."

Alice: "Are you sure you would be able to Ralph? If you got knocked down by a hockey player, you would spend a long time getting back up."

Ralph: "Oh, you are a riot Alice. A regular riot."

(Ed comes down.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, I just saw the shocker of the year. The Devils blowing a three game lead. Let's give credit where credit is due."

Ralph: "Yeah, the Devils played great during the first few minutes."

Ed: "No, I am talking about the Panthers. The Panthers coming back and winning by scoring four goals."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!"

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE!"

(Audience cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph is at the kitchen table. He is upset. Ed Norton comes down.)

Ed: "What a miserable game Ralph. The Rangers had a two goal lead and they blew it just like the Devils."

Ralph: "Don't get me started Norton. How could the Rangers do this? How could the Rangers do this to their fans?"

Ed: "To top it all off, it went into overtime. Now both the Rangers and Devils face a series where it will be the best out of three."

Ralph: "Yeah. Tomorrow, I have to face that Joe Fenstablau. He is going to rub it in my face that the Rangers lost. If I have to hear that, I will blow up."

Ed: "Aren't you all ready blown up?"

Ralph: "Oh, youa re a riot Norton. A regular riot. That Joe & Garrity are all anti-New York sports. If those two were together and they drilled it into my head that the Rangers and Devils lost their chance to get a Stanley Cup, if they do, I will kick them between their legs."

Ed: "If you do that, be ready for black eyes."

Ralph (yells): "GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!"

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph & Ed are riding the subway.)

Ralph: "Boy, what a game Norton. Those Devils really made up for last Tuesday night when they lost 4-3. They won tonight 4-0."

Ed: "That's great Ralph-ie boy. Saturday night will be a great night."

Ralph: "Yes, those Devils will play in Miami. Right close to that fun and sun capital of the world: Miami Beach."

(Audience cheers.)

Ralph: "To top it all off, it will be on Saturday night. This will be great Those Devils will really tame those Panthers."

Ed: "Those Panthers will get what's coming to them soon."

Ralph: "You know that Joe Fenstablau is going to be upset tomorrow. Boy, I am going to rub this game in his face."

Ed: "Yes, that poor, misguided soul: Joe Fenstablau will get his. You know something, if the Rangers and Devils don't win the Stanley Cup, I will want the Panthers to win."

Ralph (yells): "WHAT?"

Ed: "Yeah, they get to play down there at Miami Beach right near all that water."

(The subway stops. Ed gets thrown off by Ralph.)

Ed: "Geeeeee, waht a grouch."

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph & Ed just watched the game.)

Ralph: "What a dissappointing game Norton. Those Devils played like little kids. They let those lousy BUM Panthers win."

Ed: "Now the Devils have their backs against the wall. On Tuesday night, I think I will write the epitath on the 2011-2012 Devils tombstone."

Ralph: "Now on Monday, I have to face that Joe Fenstablau. I also have to face Garrity from upstairs. Also, if the Rangers lose tonight, do your ealize that both of our teams could be gone by early next week?"

Ed: "I know. Those teams have sweet kids."

Ralph: "Look at all those fans. I do feel good about them. They are right near that fun and sun capital of the world: Miami Beach."

(Audience cheers.)

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN, THOSE DEVILS ARE DONE FOR ON TUESDAY."

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "WHY AREN'T YOU CELEBRATING GARRITY WITH MUSKATEELS? YOU WILL LOSE BECAUSE YOU ARE A LOSER."

(Ralph gets doused with water. Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph & Ed are playing pool.)

Ralph: "Now Norton, I am not going to lose like our Rangers did last night. I can't believe that they lost to those Ottawa Senators. Now both the Devils & Rangers have their backs against the wall for sure."

Ed: "Yes. They do. It's too bad because the Rangers have been playing so great."

Ralph: "I know. What a dissappointing season this will be. The Rangers were the top team in the northeast."

(Harvey comes by.)

Harvey: "So, you think that the Rangers will win? I don't. I think they will lose to the Ottawa Senators."

Ralph: "You are wrong Harvey. Those Senators won't know what hit them during the next two games. They will LOSE."

Harvey: "Oh yeah. How about we make a bet? If the Rangers exit, you owe me $100. If they win, I will give you $100."

Ed: "Ralph accepts."

(Ralph elbows Ed.)

Harvey: "If you don't give me your money, I will come get you. Where do you live?"

Ed: "328 Chauncey Street."

(Ralph elbows Ed.)

Harvey: "Thank you."

(Harvey leaves.)

Ed: "You are smart Ralph. Why did you have to make that bet for?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!"

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers beat the Ottawa Senators 3-2.)

(The girls are at home.)

Trixie: "The boys are going to be here any minute."

Alice: "You know that they are going to be all giddy that the Rangers won."

Trixie: "I wonder how they felt about that second goal that Ottaway got."

Alice: "I know that Ralph is going to say that that goal didn't count. I hope that they don't come in here all livewires."

Ralph & Ed (from the hallway, yell): "BOY, WAHT A GAME TONIGHT."

(Ralph & Ed enter.)

Ralph: "Hiya Trixie! Hiya Alice! Did you see that game?"

Ed: "You should have seen Ralph at the bowling alley, watching the game. I thought he was going to have a heart attack during the last minute."

Ralph: "I still say that the second goal didn't count. The TV announcers said that the decision was being determined by the situation room in NHL in Toronto."

Ed: "That is wrong. The Situation Room is ruled by Wolf Blitzer and it is on CNN."

Ralph (yells): "NOT THAT SITUATION ROOM."

Ed: "Geeeeee. Still what a game."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Alice: "Ralph, I thought you two boys would have more sense than to come in here like you did. Suppose you wake up the people in this building."

Ralph: "I don't care if I wake up the whole world. I am going to scream it on the rooftops."

Ed: "You can do it with your voice."

Ralph: "Oh, you are going to get it Norton."

Trixie: "You realize that the Rangers could lose game 7."

Ralph: "They can't lose. Isn't that right Ed?"

Ed: "Well, Ralph after what happened tonight, I think that the winner of game 7 is...Ottawa."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEET OUT!"

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT."

(Audience cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NJ Devils beat the Florida Panthers 3-2.)

(Ralph & Ed are walking in Newark.)

Ralph: "Boy, what a game Norton. I thought that the Devils squandered their chances."

Ed: "I know I did. I was ready to write the epitath on the 2011-2012 Devils tombstone."

Ralph: "This is great. The Devils will fly near that fun and sun capital of the world, Miami Beach."

(The audience cheers.)

Ed: "This Thursday, we will celebrate the Rangers and Devils advancing to the second round."

Ralph: "Nothing will spoil that day."

Ed: "However, if both teams lose, it will be a double wahmmy and that will be a real shame. I want to see both of those teams in the final for the Stanlye Cup."

Ralph: "Boy, are you an idiot. In the NHL Stanley Cup tourny, the best team of the East plays the best team of the West. I told you that."

Ed: "So, the Rangers play in the East and the Devils in the west."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph: "I so want to see those teams battle it out in the tourny. It will make me proud to be a New Yorker."

(They both sing a song about being a New Yorker.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers won the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals, 4 games to 3, by beating the Ottawa Senators 2-1.)

(Ralph is celebrating the win at home.)

Ralph (yells): "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAA! WHAT A GAME! THE RANGERS OUTPLAYED THOSE SENATORS."

Alice: "Ralph, I hope you don't wake up the neighbors."

Ralph: "Oh, I don't care if I wake the WHOLE world. The Rangers are going to the second round."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "HEY RALPH-IE BOY! THOSE RANGERS WON!"

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN PAL!"

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "HEY RALPH-IE BOY! THOSE RANGERS WON!"

Ralph (yells): "I THINK IT'S TIME FOR PHILLY TO BE SHOWN WHO'S BOSS!"

McGarrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN! CUT IT OUT OR I WILL REPORT YOU TO THE SUPERINTENDENT."

Ralph (yells): "YOU WOULDN'T DARE!"

McGarrity (from upstairs, yells): "OH, WOULDN'T I?"

Ralph (yells): "YOU WOULDN'T DARE! YOU ARE TOO LAZY."

(Knock on door. Alice answers it. It is the superintendent.)

Superintendent: "Mr. Kramden, if you don't keep quiet, I will have you and your wife evicted."

McGarrity (from upstairs, yells): "RALPH, LOOKS LIKE THE SUPERINTENDENT VISITED YOU. THANK GOD GOD INVENTED TEXT MESSAGING."

(Ed laughs.)

(Ralph sticks his head out.)

Ralph: "You are going to get it Norton. I have a biiiiig mouth."

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NJ Devils won the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals, 4 ames to 3, by beating the Florida Panthers 3-2.)

(Ralph & Ed are in the bus depot locker room.)

Ralph: "Did you see that game last night pal?"

Ed: "Did I ever? I was so happy when the Devils won. I didn't care that they won so late that I almost drowned today in the sewer."

Ralph: "Gee. They won and they had the honor of performing near that action city: Miami Beach."

(Audience cheers.)

Ed: "What about that bet that you made with that poor, misguided soul, Joe Fenstablau?"

Ralph: "Oh, he was steamed today. He said that the Devils were lucky. Now, the Devils get to play Philly and the Rangers get to play Washington."

(Joe Fenstablau walks in.)

Joe: "Hey Kramden, I have your money. Those Devils and Rangers got lucky."

Ralph: "Oh, they did? I bet you that we will see a Rangers/Devils third round matchup. This area can't lose if that happens."

Joe: "Oh yeah? You want to up the ante?"

Ed: "Sure, he does."

(Ralph gets angry at Ed.)

Joe: "Okay, if both of those teams don't advance, you owe me $100."

Ed: "Deal."

Ralph: "Norton."

Joe: "Deal."

(Joe leaves.)

Ed: "Ralph, I know you are a level-headed person. Why did you have to make that bet for?"

Ralph (yells): "GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!"

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. How sweet it is."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Good night everybody."

(Audience cheers.)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers beat the Washington Capitals 3-1.)

(Ralph is with Ed at the park.)

Ralph: "Did you see our New York Rangers beat those BUM Capitals?"

Ed: "Did I? I saw that game and I was happy that I saw a good game."

Ralph: "Yeah, those Rangers are going to get revenge on those Capitals for what they did to them three years ago. I still can't believe that those Capitals beat the NY Rangers in the playoffs in 2009."

Ed: "I bet that Barack was upset."

Ralph: "I would think that a guy like him would be for the Rangers."

Ed: "Don't get your hopes up Ralph. There are still more games left."

Ralph: "The Rangers OWNED those BUM Capitals."

Ed: "How ironic. During the last series the Rangers met the Senators that are not from Washington. Now they are meeting a team in Washington that might beat them in the playoffs."

Ralph: "How can you say that?"

Ed: "That's easy Ralph. I am a Capitals fan."

Ralph (yells): "PUT 'EM UP NORTON! PUT 'EM UP NORTON!"

(The wives come to make peace.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. How sweet it is."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Good night everyone."

(Audience cheers loudly.)