The Kramdens & Nortons are taking a trip skit:

[Frank Gannucci]

The Kramdens & Nortons are taking a trip:

(Alice & Alice’s parents are in the kitchen.)

Alice: “Hurry up Ralph!”

Ralph (from hallway, yells): “I’M COMING ALICE! KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON!”

Alice’s Mom: “When we get down to Miami Beach, I hope that we encounter no topless women.”

Alice: “Relax Mother. Oh, I just can’t seem to close this suitcase.”

(Ralph comes out.)

Ralph: “I am ready.”

Alice: “Ralph, would you help me close this suitcase.”

Ralph: “Sure.”

Alice: “Why don’t you sit on it?”

Ralph: “Oooh, you are a real riot.”

(Ralph & Alice try to close it, but to no avail.)

Ralph: “It’s no use.”

(The Nortons come on down. Ed is wearing a gawdy bathing suit.)

Ed: “Whaddaya say there Ralph-ie boy?”

Ralph: “You are nuts. Wearing that getup around here.”

Ed: “Hey, we are going to Miami Beach. I am just getting ready. I heard that the water down there is the best water in the world, even in the sewer.”

(Audience cheers.)

Ralph: “It’s no use. I can’t close this suitcase.”

Ed: “Why don’t you sit on it?”

Ralph: “Oh, you are a real riot Norton. I am telling you that if I sit on it, it won’t close.”

(Ralph sits on it. It closes.)

Ralph: “Oh boy!”

Trixie: “Well, is everyone all ready?”

Alice: “Yup.”

Ralph: “I am too. Let’s go.”

(They go on down to the airport. They encounter the TSA.)

TSA Official: “Sir, you have to remove your shoes.”

Ed: “Sure.”

(Ed does.)

TSA Official: “Ooooh, that odor is strong.”

Ed: “Oh, see I work in the sewer see…”

Ralph (yells): “COME ON! TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.”

(Ed does.)

TSA Official: “Sir, I need you to take your shoes off.”

Ralph: “All righty.”

Alice’s Mom: “That must be the biggest shoe that you probably ever saw.”

Ralph: “Ooooh, you are a real riot.”

(Ralph does.)

(After that, all of them go through the scanner. Ralph gets stuck.)

Ralph (yells): “SOMEONE HELP ME! I GOT STUCK IN THIS THING AGAIN!”

Alice’s Mom: “This will be embarrassing for you. You are probably the biggest human being…”

Ralph (yells): “HELP PUSH ME THROUGH THIS THING!”

Alice’s Mom: “The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer.”

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): “SHUT UP NORTON!”

McGarrity (from afar, yells): “HEY KRAMDEN! IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAD TOO MANY PIZZAS. HA HA HA HA!”

Ralph (yells): “AREN’T YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE MCGARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE SALOON BURN DOWN?”

TSA Official: “Be quiet sir.”

McGarrity (yells): “KRAMDEN, SHOULDN’T YOU BE AT THE PIZZERIA? DID THAT BURN DOWN?”

(Ralph finally gets pushed out.)

Ralph (yells): “ALL RIGHT MCGARRITY! PUT ‘EM UP! LET’S GO!”

Alice’s Mom (yells): “I SUPPOSE THAT WE HAVE TO PULL THIS ELEPHANT FROM THE FIGHT!”

Ralph (yells): “I WILL TAKE ON BOTH OF YOU!”

(The fight gets broken up and all of them go to Miami Beach.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Folks, time to introduce the cast. First, Jean Kean."

(The audience applauds as Jean comes on stage and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(The audience applauds as Audrey comes on stage and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(The audience applauds as Art comes on stage and shakes Jackie's hand.)

Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)