HELLO MARIS CRANE!!!!!

[Pat]

Good morning Seattle. Our topic today is Maris Crane. No, she has never been seen on the show, but today is a very special day, because we are going to track her down like a red-tailed fox during hunting season. That's right, people! If you ever wondered what Maris Crane looked like, stay tuned... No, I'm not going to show you a composit drawing, blury pictures of the Lock Ness Monster or plaster castings of the sasquatch. Maris Crane; have you ever seen her, heard her voice, or even smelled that God aweful perfume of hers? If you will bear with me, I think the messages to follow will bring you closer to Maris than most people have ever imagined.

Let's first go to the lines of the Internet. Who do we have on line 3?

[Pat]

Someone once posted on Yahoo Answers:

About Maris Crane, from Frasier?
Would someone explain this little joke to me please? It's almost embarassing to ask, but I want to know:

(About dinner reservations)

Frasier: Will Maris be joining us?
Niles: Oh, I'm afraid not; we were there one Christmas, seated next to a table of Italian soccer players. Maris announced she was in the mood for a goose and, perhaps inevitably, tragedy ensued.

Also, according to Wkipedia, there were two episodes where you see Maris on Frasier. Which were they? (Once when she was covered in bandages and another time when she was hit in the face with a pie).

AND THE BEST ANSWER GIVEN:

I guess you have never been "goosed" before. (It's like a pinch on the butt). I don't think Maris ever actually appeared. The pie incident is from "Cheers" and it involved Norm's wife, Vera. Who we never actually saw the face of, either. Same producers, though.

Don't believe everything you read on Wikipedia, it is written by non-professionals and ANYBODY can contribute. There is no fact-checking either, so it may not be accurate.

[Pat]

The Frasier pilot: The Good Son

Niles: Well, you certainly can't take care of him - you're just
getting your new life together.
Frasier: Absolutely. Besides, we were never simpatico.
Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh yes, yes, of course, of course... why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris!
Frasier: I do. I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way
you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without
the warmth.

[Pat]

Season 3 Frasier Loves Roz

Niles: What's the point of going to Switzerland without spending a
day on the slopes? So I ducked out of the conference and who
should I run into, but Maris? She'd just flown in for her
yearly goat placenta treatments!
Frasier: Good Lord, is it placenta treatment time again already?
Niles: We had a set-to on the slopes. She ran, I tried to follow
her tracks in the snow, but alas, she made none.

[Pat]

Someone is claiming to have portrayed Maris Crane on NBC's frasier to promote her CD sales:
Flatulina

http://www.flatulina.com/maris_crane.html

Nice try, Flatulina.

[Pat]

A Mid-Winter Night's Dream ~ season 1

Daphne: Now, what do you think Mrs. Crane would like for dinner?
Niles: Oh, you have free reign. Just bear in mind she can't have
shellfish... poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates,
wheat, starch, sulfites, MSG or dairy. Did I say nuts?
Frasier: Oh, I think that's implied!

[Pat]

Remember when Frasier asked for help to find his father's lost chair?

Give Him The Chair ~ season 1

Frasier: So Roz, any update on the chair?
Roz: Oh yeah, the calls have been pouring in.
Frasier: Really? And what are they?
Roz: Well, so far it's been spotted at the top of the Space Needle,
in the Governor's Mansion, and a man on Lake Stevens said he
saw it flying over his house, but he thought it was just a
spaceship from a tacky planet.

[Pat]

season 5 ~ Voyage of the Damned

Frasier: Right. First, I'm going to go talk to Maris.
Roz: You just said...
Frasier: Forget what I said! You're coming too!
Roz: Why do you need me? I don't even know her.
Frasier: You can vouch for Niles's innocence.
Roz: Oh, all right. I have to admit, I'm kind of curious to meet
her. You know, in all these years, I've never actually seen
her face?
Frasier: Well, I haven't seen her most recent one, so this'll be a
new experience for both of us.

[Pat]

season 5 ~ Voyage of the Damned

Roz kneels down and looks through the keyhole.

Roz: I don't see her, maybe she went back out. Oh, wait. I see her
coat on a hat rack.

Martin and Frasier exchange a look.

Frasier: Look closer. Is the hat rack moving?

Roz: Oh my God!

[Pat]

season 5 ~ Voyage of the Damned

Maris' shadow falls on the shower curtain while Frasier, Martin and Roz hide in the shower...

[Pat]

Okay, everyone who's a fan knows that Maris never was in the show, but
do you remember in Season 4, Frasier was going to meet up with her at
Cafe Nervosa to talk to her about the seriousness of repairing her
marrage with Niles? It was the show: Ask Me No Questions. Frasier is
sitting at a table and stands to wave - the camera goes to the
entrance... is it? Can it be? Will we finally see Maris? A thin-pale
lady walks in and waves. IT'S MERIS! No... she is waving at someone
else and walks in. Then Marta enters (Maris' maid). Meris sent Marta,
her maid, in her place.

BUT!!!!!!,
if you'd like to take a look at the lady that
the casting crew found to be as close to Maris as they could find,
check out this image!!!!!!!

[icecream]

I think a good prequel show to Frasier would be Maris in her teenage years. Of course casting the right actress would be key.

[Pat]

Season 4 Ask Me No Questions

[Schmoopie]

Ha ha, that was hilarious! But I think that picture that is the closest they can find is much too 'generous'. If I saw a real picture of Maris, I'd probably run away from my computer screaming! As DHP said on one of the DVD extras when asked why Maris wasn't ever shown "Maris would scare the children!"