Archie Bunker's Place-"The Untimely Day" Parts 1 and 2

[ThomasE]

Archie Bunker’s Place (Fan Fiction)
“The Untimely Day”

Starring

Archie Bunker----------Carroll O'Connor
Edith Bunker---------Jean Stapleton
Murray Klein-----------Martin Balsam
Stephanie Mills--------Danielle Brisebois
Barney Hefner----------Allan Melvin
Harry Snowden----------Jason Wingreen
Mr. Van Ranseleer------Bill Quinn
Veronica Rooney--------Anne Meara

Guest Starring

Polly Swanson----------Janet MacLachlan
Maude Findlay----------Beatrice Arthur
Louise Jefferson-------Isabel Sanford
George Jefferson------------Sherman Hemsley
Lionel Jefferson------------Mike Evans
Jenny Willis Jefferson-------Berlinda Tolbert
Irene Lorenzo-----------Betty Garrett
Frank Lorenzo----------Vincent Gardenia
Joey Stivic-----------
Arlene Schiff----------Sandy Lipton


Special Guest Stars

Michael Stivic-------------Rob Reiner
Gloria Bunker Stivic--------Sally Struthers

The Series was:
Directed by
Carroll O’Connor and Gary Shimokawa
Executive Producer
Alen Horn
Produced By
Joe Gannon
Story Editors
Patt Shea & Harriett Weiss
Mark Fink & Stephen Miller
Carroll O’Connor
Alan Rosen & Fred Rubin

Associate Producer

Ken Stump




EDITH
(In the kitchen and the telephone rings Edith yells out) I’ll get it! Oh, I’m the only one here.
(Audience Laughs while Edith runs to the living room) (She Picks up the phone) Hello?
Hello? Oh. Hello Maude. How are ya?

MAUDE
(Shot of Maude)I’m doing great Edith. (Audience applauds) I’ve hardly gotten a chance to talk to you since I took over for Tuckahoe City Councilwoman. Oh, I tell you Edith. Sometimes it can be a real pain in the butt trying to get the issues across to some that want to act like stubborn, pig headed mules. Which reminds me, how is Archie anyway? (Audience Laughs)

EDITH
Archie is doin’ good. He’s over at the restaurant right now workin’. If I were you Maude I’d give him a little credit. He’s becomin’ more open minded. He’s got a Jewish Partner, an Irish Cook, a spanish assistant to the Irish Cook. His motto is “At Archie Bunker’s Place we service any race, color, creator of minerority.” (minority)
(Audience Laugjhs)

MAUDE
Well, I’m coming into Manhattan next Tuesday to pick up some flyers for my campaign. Also in a few months we’ll have to cast our votes for the presidential election.

EDITH
Well Archie says that we’re votin’ for Governor Regan.

MAUDE
Now Edith, is that who you want to vote for?

EDITH
Well Archie says that the woman should follow the man’s descion though it be a stupid one.(Audience Laughs)

MAUDE
Why would he call his own decision stupid?

EDITH
He didn’t. I did.
(Audience Laughs)


MAUDE
Edith, we’re in the 1980’s now. Women should have the right vote for any one they choose to. You tell Magilla Gorilla that law was passed 60 years ago. (Audience Laughs) (Doorbell Rings)

EDITH
Oh, hang on Maude I’ll be right there. The doorbell’s ringin’ (Edith runs to the door when she opens it, there is a saleslady)

ARLENE
Hello, ma’am. My name is Arlene Schiff and I’m selling cosmetics.

EDITH
Oh, how nice. You ain’t gonna say “Aaaavon Calling”? (Edith Laughs) (Audience Laughs as well)
You know I always wanted to say that. “Aaaavon Calling”!

ARLENE
Well I’m not with Avon. I’m with Ultralady cosmetics. We have a great assortment of things that you may look at in our catalog.

EDITH
(Views Catalog) Oooh. This is nice. Come in. (Edith goes to the telephone) Listen, Maude. I gotta go. Someone’s at the duor. Lunch next Tuesday? Well Tuesday ain’t a good day. I’ll be at rego park with patients. How about next Thursday. I got a day off then.

MAUDE
Thursday sounds great. It will be great. It’ll give us a chance to talk. I’ll let you go, but before I do, would you give Archie a message for me? You know, for old time’s sake?

EDITH
Sure, what is it?

MAUDE
You’re FAT! (Audience Laughs) I’ll see you next week.

EDITH
All Right, Maude. Give my regards to your husband Walter. (Edith hangs up and catches her breath and goes back to sofa.)

(Scene fades from living room to the bar)

VERONICA
Are we gonna have this discussion again? If you don’t like the menu find somebody else to cook for ya.

ARCHIE
You Irish are all alike. If a poyson(person) peels a pertada (potato) the wrong way, ya fall to pieces.(soft laughter from audience)

VERONICA
Listen, I don’t need any cracks from you, you shaved ape. And I don’t need you in this kitchen spreadin’ misery. (soft laughter from audience)

ARCHIE
You don’t need me for that. If you want to know what true misery is, just go stand in front a mirror.
(Audience Laugh) (The two start arguing)

MURRAY
All right you two, that’s the end of round one. It is clear that everyone in this bar can see what what’s on here.

MR. VAN RANSELEER
Speak for yourself.

MURRAY
Heya Murray. I thought we had an agreement. He stays outta the kitchen so I won’t have to kill him.

ARCHIE
If ya ain’t got it in writtin’ I ain’t going nowhere. It’s my restaurant.

MURRAY
Come on Archie. Let’s not go through this again. Let Veronica tend to the menu. The customer’s don’t have a problem with it, I don’t have a problem with it, Mr. Van R. doesn’t have a problem with it.

ARCHIE
(Whispers) Well he don’t count ‘cause he can’t see what he’s eatin’ anyway. (Audinece Laughter)

MURRAY
Besides, she did a great job with Edith’s birthday party last week. Edith couldn’t stop talking about the food.

ARCHIE
I love Edith but sometimes but sometimes she just can’t stop talking period. Yeah she had a good time. All her closest friends and family being there. Except for Gloria and the meathead. (Audience Laughs)

BARNEY
(Sitting at the bar) Yeah Arch, that was a big bash. How they didn’t come?

ARCHIE
Mike had classes and couldn’t get away. Can you believe that? What a copout.

HARRY
Ah Come on, Arch. Give the man some credit. He’s earning a living to take care of your daughter and
grandchild.

MURRAY
Yeah, don’t hold that over his head.

ARCHIE
I don’t care. He’s makin’ all that money, he should be able to afford to take the time off and wish his mother n law a happy birthday.

MURRAY
Well he’s still a new teacher at that school in Santa Barbara, maybe he didn’t want to risk getting fired.

ARCHIE
Ahh Baloney! He took a risk last year when he and my little goyl (girl) marched in nudal frontity on some beach. (Audience Laughter) You would have thought Gloria had known better with the proper upbringin’ me and her mother gave her. Well I think I’m gonna drop by the house and Get the books.

MURRAY
What would the account books be doing there?

ARCHIE
They’d be accountin’ in my house. (soft laughter from audience) I had to put Edith’s receipt from her gitt in there. I’ll be back.
(Scene fades back to home)


ARLENE
Thank You Mrs. Bunker. I’ll be back in a few weeks to drop off your order.

EDITH
Thank You and have a good day.
(Edith closes the door)
Let’s see, I gotta finish cookin’ tonight’s dinner, wash Archie’s shirts, get Stephie’s things ready for her sleepover at Amy Bloomer’s house and I—(Edith hears a knock at the kitchen door and she runs to it and then stops to catch her breath again and continues running to the door)

POLLY
Hi, Edith

EDITH
Hello, Polly. Come in.

POLLY
My Edith. You sure seem like you’re doing a lot today. (Polly notices Edith fanning herself with the catalog.) Are you Ok?

EDITH
Oh, I’m fine. I just have to finish getting these things done before I go into work.

POLLY
Is there anything I can do to help?

EDITH
Oh, No. I’ll be fine. I just have to finish cooking Archie’s Dinner. I’ll be workin’ tonight untill 8:30pm. And then there’s the laundry, I gotta pack Stephie’s bag for Amy Bloomer’s house. I gotta pick up dry cleanin’ too.

POLLY
That does seem like a handful. Let me pick up dry cleaning and I’ll finish packing
Stephanie’s bag while you finish cooking and doing laundry.

EDITH
Well with it being 10:30am, I guess I could use some extra hands. It ain’t easy being a modern woman.
(Audience Laughs) (Edith goes to check up on Dinner at the stove)

POLLY
You know, that was a nice party Archie threw for you last week.


EDITH
Yeah, I know. I got the chance to see old friends I ain’t seen in a long time. Like The Jeffersons.

POLLY
Ah, yes. I remember Louise when Ed and I bought the house.

EDITH
Oh Yeah. George and Lousie was good people. I met them by way of their son Lionel. Him, Mike and Gloria was friends and then Lionel’s Parents brought the house next door, your house. It was so good to see them at the party. Their son Lionel and his wife Jenny had a baby girl earlier this year. I remember when George and Archie used butt heads all the time.

POLLY
How Come?

EDITH
Well, let’s say that they are just alike in a different sense, if you know what I mean.
(Audience Laughs)

POLLY
(light laughter)I think I do. Edith.
(Archie comes through the front door)

ARCHIE
Edith, I’m home.

EDITH
(Comes running from the kitchen hugging and kissing him)
Oh, Archie, what are you doing home so early?
(Polly enteres living room)
ARCHIE
Edith, take er’ easy, ehh? We’re in the midst of company. Howz’it goin’ there uh, Polly?

POLLY
Everything is fine, Archie. I’m gonna go to the kitchen and check on your dinner this evening while you two talk. (Polly exits)

EDITH
What are ya doin home early Archie?

ARCHIE
I came by to get the account books.

EDITH
How come they ain’t in the office at the restaurant?

ARCHIE
(Frustrated) Jeez, Edith do you have to ask so many questions? (light audience laughter)

EDITH
I was just wonderin’.

ARCHIE
Did you go to the cleaners yet?

EDITH
No, I haven’t gone yet.

ARCHIE
I swear, Edith, since you took on that job workin’ with the fruitcakes things just ain’t the same around here no more. (light audience laughter)

EDITH
Well Archie I’m tryin’ my best to make sure you and Stephanie get taken care of and hold down this job.

ARCHIE
Well maybe ya oughta quit workin’ with the nuts.

EDITH
Quit callin’ them that. It ain’t they fault that they are the way they are. I deserve to have a life too Archie.

ARCHIE
Edith, Stifle! (He walks to closed and gets the books)

EDITH
YOU STIFLE!(Audience oohs)

ARCHIE
What did you say?

EDITH
I’ve don’t the best I can to be a good wife to you and to be like a mother to Stephanie. You’re just too pig headed to see that. (She grabs her coat)

ARCHIE
And where are you going?

EDITH
I’m going to work early. Besides, I’m getting’ tired of being left in empty rooms by you everytime we have an argument. This time, let me doing the walkin’ out. (She walks thru the kitchen) (Audience Claps while there is an astonished look on Archie’s Face. Fade Out)


Next Scene begins with Stephanie and Polly coming through the living room door.

STEPHANIE
It’s too bad my piano practice was canceled today.

POLLY
(looking at Stephanie with suspicion)Mmm Hmm…. Yeah . Too bad huh?
(light laughter from the auduence) Your sleeping bag is upstairs in your room and your bag is packed. So go on upstairs and get your things.

STEPHANIE
Ok. I’ll be right down. (Steph goes upstairs)

Edith comes through the door.

POLLY
Edith. I thought you weren’t coming home till later.

EDITH
Well, I wasn’t feelin’ well so I asked to come home early.


POLLY
Have you been to the doctor lately, Edith?
EDITH
Well, no. Ain’t no need to go. I’ll be fine. I just gotta stop doin’ too much stuff around the house. I also came home early to make up with Archie. He should be home soon.

POLLY
Ok. Stephanie is upstairs getting her things for the sleepover. I’m going to drop her off. Dinner’s in the fridge. After I drop off Stephie, I’ve gotta drop by the supermarket and pick up some things for Ed’s dinner. I hope things go well for you and Archie.
(Stephanie comes downstairs with bag)

STEPHANIE
I’m all set, Polly.

POLLY
Terrific, Dear.

STEPHANIE
Hi, Aunt Edith.

EDITH
Hello, Stephie. Now ya sure you go everything?

STEPHANIE
Yep, Amy and I are gonna have a great time tonite. We’re gonna watch home movies of her trip over the summer and plus we gotta to math homework.

EDITH
Ahh where’s ya math book?

STEPHANIE
It’s in my bag.

EDITH
Okay then, you have a good time and I’ll see ya tommorra.

STEPHANIE
(hugs and kisses Edith) Okay Aunt Edith. I’ll see you Tommorrow.


EDITH
All right, Sweetie. Thanks again, Polly.

POLLY
Anytime, dear. Good Luck. (Stephanie and Edith exit)

Phone Rings and Edith runs to it.

EDITH
Hello? Archie! Are you on the way home?

ARCHIE
No, Edith. I, uh gotta stay a work a little late. We got overbooked and uh the fellas well they can’t nothin’ around without me besides, the customas love my presence. (Laughter from audience)

EDITH
Listen, about this afternoon, I-

ARCHIE
Listen, Edith I really gotta get goin’. I called home because your job said you went home early. Can ya, uh make sure dinner’s ready?

EDITH
(Disappointed) Sure, Archie.

ARCHIE
One more thing, Edith, I Lo-

HARRY
(Yelling out from across the bar) ARCHIE! Veronica and Jose need you in the kitchen.

ARCHIE
I... I’d love to keep talkin’ but I gotta go. I’ll see ya tonight.

EDITH
OK, Archie. (Hangs Up Phone with a sad look)

(SCENE FADES)

NEXT SCENE BEGINS WITH EDITH IN HER CHAIR WAITING FOR ARCHIE AND THE TIME IS 9:00PM.

EDITH
Well, he ain’t home yet. I’ll put this dinner away and leave him a note. (EDITH WRITES HIM A NOTE AND STARTS TO BREATHE HEAVILY. SHE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND DRINKS A GLASS OF WATER) I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m going to bed, maybe I’ll feel better in the morning. If I don’t, I’ll make an appointment to see Dr. Shappiro.

SHE FINISHES WRITING THE NOTE LEAVING IT ON THE REFRIGERATOR AND HEAD UPSTAIRS TO GO TO SLEEP.
CAMERA FADES TO NEXT SCENE.

ARCHIE IS COMING HOME FROM WORK. HANGS HIS HAT AND GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND NOTICES NOTE FROM EDITH. HE TAKES OUT THE FOOD TO EAT. CAMERA FADES TO BEDROOM WHERE ARCHIE IS GETTING READY BED WHILE EDITH IS SLEEPING. HE READS NOTE AGAIN DURING EDITH’S VOICEOVER.




EDITH
“Dear Archie, I’m sorry we fought this afternoon. I don’t like it when we fight. I want to be the best wife I can to you. At the same time I also love to help out and make other people happy. Like I told you before, I felt for a long time that you were the only one that I could count on, but learned I could count on me, too. I don’t mean no harm to you because you know I care about what we have in our relationship. Despite what we have been through, we’re still together and I Love You from the bottom of my heart,

Edith.”


ARCHIE PUTS NOTE DOWN AND GETS INTO BED AND LOOKS AT EDITH.

ARCHIE
I Love-
HE IS DISRUPTED BY EDITH’S TOSSING AND TURNING.

ARCHIE
We’ll talk in the morning.
ARCHIE GETS READY TO SLEEP.

NEXT MORNING.

ARCHIE WAKES UP LATE AND REALIZES THAT HE IS RUNNING BEHIND SCHEDULE AND REALIZES THAT EDITH IS NOT OUT OF BED YET.

ARCHIE
It’s five after ten. (HE LOOKS AT EDITH) Edith, wake up! (She does not respond) Come on Edith, get up! Ya gotta fix my breakfast. If this is your idea of a joke, it ain’t funny. (He shakes Edith while yelling) Edith, come on! Get up! Get Up! Edith I-(Edith’s left arm falls and hangs from the bed. ARCHIE IS SHOCKED and gasps.) He goes to feel her pulse and there is no pulse. Oh, God! Please don’t let this be happenin’. (HE GOES TO THE PHONE AND CALLS 911. TALKS TO 911 AND THEN HE HANGS UP. HE GOES BACK UPSTAIRS AND CHECKS TO SEE IF EDITH IS BREATHING AND WHEN SHE ISN’T HE REALZIES THAT SHE IS DEAD. HE KNEALS NEXT TO HER WITH SILENT TEARS FALLING FROM HIS FACE) Heya, God. I don’t know what just happened, but you- you take good care of her. Ya hear me? Take good care of my Edith. (SIRENS ARE HEARD IN THE BACKROUND AS THE CAMERA ZOOMS AWAY FROM ARCHIE AND EDITH AND THEN FREEZES WITH CREDITS AND SCENE FADES tO BLACK)

End of Part 1


Untimely Moment
Part 2

Archie is on the phone talking to a relative about the funeral.

ARCHIE
Huh? Yeah. Yeah Aunt Mabel. The Funeral is Monday at 11:00am. Uh huh. Well I’m real sorry too. You wouldn’t believe. Okay I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.

STEPHANIE
Who was that?

ARCHIE
Oh, that was Your Aunt Edith’s Aunt Mabel. I’ll tell you, them people from Jersey is brutes.
(Audience Laughter)

STEPHANIE
Come on and try and be nice to them. After all, they Aunt Edith’s family.

ARCHIE
Yeah, I guess..well come on let’s get things straightened up around here. Gloria and Mike will be here soon.

STEPHANIE
You’re not mad at them are you?

ARCHIE
Mad at them? For what?

STEPHANIE
For not coming to Aunt Edith’s Birthday Party 2 weeks ago.

ARCHIE
They shoula been there, kid. I really wish they woulda came.

POLLY
(Entering from Kitchen.) Well all the food has been put away. When you get a chance Archie, call Veronica, she needs to know how many people are coming to the house for the wake after the service.

ARCHIE
Well, Uh Polly, I been thinkin’ ‘bout that and I’m wonderin’ if I should just cancel the get together here at the house.

STEPHANIE
Uncle Archie you wouldn’t do that would you?

POLLY
This get together will give all of Edith’s friends and family to reflect.

ARCHIE
I don’t know anymore.

STEPHANIE
Please don’t cancel it, Uncle Archie. Please.

ARCHIE
Ehh,(sighs) I guess not.(Doorbell Rings)

STEPHANIE
Ooh! I’ll get it.

ARCHIE
No. No. Let me. (He walks to the door and opens it to see Gloria and Joey standing there)

GLORIA
Hi, Daddy.
(Audience Applauds)

(Archie and Stehpanie huddle around Gloria and they all hug)

ARCHIE
Hey there, Joey. You wanna give your grandpa a kiss?

JOEY
No!
(Audience Laughter)

ARCHIE
I’ve said it before, you gotta teach him that he should kiss his grandfather when he sees him.


MIKE
(Enters open front door feeling a little down jokingly asks) Hey Arch, got anything to eat?
(Audience Applauds while Mike goes over to hug Archie)
Hi. Archie Hi Steph.
(Applause settles down)

ARCHIE
So, how was your trip?

GLORIA
It was fine.

MIKE
Yeah. Not bad for a connecting flight.

ARCHIE
Hey uh, you guys remember Polly?

GLORIA
Oh, Hi.

MIKE
Yeah, we met last thanksgiving. It’s good seeing you again.

POLLY
Same here. You guys must be tired from your flight. There are sandwiches and coffee in the kitchen if you’d like any.

MIKE
Thanks, maybe later. I’m not ready to eat yet.

ARCHIE
You, meathead don’t wanna eat nothin’?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

MIKE
No Arch, I’m not in the mood.

POLLY
Well, they’re in the kitchen anytime you are ready. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go home and pack for Ed’s trip. He feels bad for having to take off at the last minute like this and sends his regrets. He says he’ll call you tonight Archie.

ARCHIE
Sure, no problem Polly.

POLLY
All right then. Mike and Gloria it was good seeing you again and call me if you need anything. I’ll talk to you later.


GLORIA
All right, then. Thanks Polly.

MIKE
Thanks a lot.

ARCHIE AND STEPHANIE TELL POLLY GOODBYE. POLLY EXITS BACK DOOR.

JOEY
Where’s Grandma?

ARCHIE, STEPHANIE, MIKE AND GLORIA LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

ARCHIE
You ain’t told him yet?

GLORIA
Yes, Daddy. I did. (SHE KNEALS DOWN TO JOEY)Honey, remember I told you the Grandma is gone.

JOEY
Well when is she coming back? I want her to read me the story about the 3 pigs.

GLORIA
Well honey, Mommy can read it to you.

JOEY
I like it better when Grandma does it.

ARCHIE
HEY UH KID. Why don’t you take little Joey Upstairs into your room and let him play with his little toy car?

STEPHANIE
Sure. Come on Joey. (THEY WALK UPSTAIRS)

ARCHIE
Maybe it’d be a good idea if he didn’t know yet.

MIKE
Arch, what are you talkin’ about?

GLORIA
He’s gotta find out sooner or later.

ARCHIE
The kid ain’t nothing but 5 years old. He ain’t gonna understand none uh dis.(none of this)

GLORIA
Well, Daddy what else do you want us to do? I tried to tell him before.

ARCHIE
(SARCASTICALLY)Boy you sure did a good job breakin’ it to him. He probably thinks his grandmother is out shoppin’ or somethin’. (light audience laughter) At the rate you’re goin’ ya might as well keep it a secret.

MIKE
What are you getting so upset about, Arch?

ARCHIE
I AIN’T GETTIN’ UPSET! Just like I wasn’t upset about you missing your mother’s birthday bash.

MIKE
(Yelling)I knew it! I knew you would bring that up Archie.

GLORIA
Oh, Daddy please don’t hold that over our heads. We feel bad enough. (EMOTIONALLY) That was our last chance to see ma before she—

ARCHIE
(Interrupting GLORIA) DON’T SAY IT! Don’t say those woyds(words).

MIKE
Archie, listen. We didn’t know this was gonna happen.



GLORIA
(CRYING) Excuse Me. (SHE RUNS INTO THE KITCHEN)

MIKE
Hey Honey. Wait! (HE RUNS AFTER HER. ARCHIE SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH A LOOK OF SORROW ON HIS FACE AS HE STARES TOWARDS THE KITCHEN)

(PHONE RINGS AND ARCHIE PICKS UP)

ARCHIE
Hello? Maude? Is this you? (Pauses) I ain’t hoyt(heard) from you in a long time. (Pauses) You calling to speak to Edith about lunch next Thursday? (Pause then he continues to speak with a little sorrow in his voice) Well, uh, Maude I don’t think she’s gonna make it. There’s something I gotta tell ya……………………(Audience Applauds and scene fades to black)

EVERYONE IS GATHERED AT ARCHIE’S HOUSE AFTER ATTENDING EDITH’S FUNERAL. STEPHANIE IS IN THE KITCHEN. EVERYONE IS MINGLING. THE JEFFERSONS ARE ON THE COUCH TALKING WITH THE LORENZOS.

VERONICA
Hey, kid. You don’t gotta help me with the plate I’ll take it out to the living room.

STEHPANIE
Are you sure?

VERONICA
Yeah, honey. Don’t worry about it. (VERONICA CARRIES TRAY OF FOOD TO LIVING ROOM. SHE PUTS IT DOWN AS THE CAMERA PANS OVER TO THE JEFFERSON AND LORENZOS.

LOUISE
This was so unexpected. I really wish I had a chance to say goodbye to her. She was my best friend for the time that we lived here George.

GEORGE
I know. I mean you really don’t think about it happening to you.

IRENE
I know. Archie and I exactly haven’t been the best of pals-(George interrupts)

GEORGE
You ain’t the only one who can say that.
(LIGHT AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

IRENE
But you can’t help but to feel sorry for him. Ah, Edith was such a great woman. Always on the run. Taking care of this home and of Archie which was a task on her part.
(LIGHT AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

FRANK
Sometimes we take so many things for granted. Things like this make you step back and take a good look at yourself.

(SHOT OF EVERYONE REFLECTING)

LIONEL
(TALKING WITH MIKE AND GLORIA AT THE PUNCHBOWL)
So, Mr. And Mrs. Stivic, has the California life changed you much?

MIKE
No, Lionel. We’re just the same ol’ ordinary people you used to know. No out of my way, peasant, you are blocking my view of the punch bowl.(they start to laugh & there is audience laughter)

GLORIA
Oh, Michael. Stop it. Listen, Lionel we never got the chance to congradulate you and Jenny on the baby. I remember when Joey was born. It was one of the most happiest moments of my life.

JENNY
After giving birth to Jessica, I realized that life is one of the most precious things.

LIONEL
So, how are you guys coping with this? I imagine it must feel funny.

GLORIA
I don’t know, Lionel. Sometimes I feel as though it hasn’t really hit me yet(begins to cry while smiling) and I’ll think that ma is in the kitchen getting ready to bring out refreshements. It’s amazing..you’re so used to things being a certain way, but then things all of the sudden take a different turn. (Mike comforts her)

LIONEL
Is Archie still upset about you missing your mom’s party?

MIKE
He really hasn’t said much to us since we got here.

JENNY
Maybe he’s afraid to.
MIKE
I don’t know what it is.


ARCHIE IS IN HIS BEDROOM. MAUDE ENTERS.

ARCHIE
Oh, uh. Hiya there, Maude. You enjoying yourself?

MAUDE
Archie I was so shocked when you told me. Edith and I were talking about going to lunch this Thursday. I made reservations. I called her to confirm. Little did I know that this was gonna happen.

ARCHIE LOOKS AT MAUDE FOR A PAUSE THEN LOOKS TO THE FLOOR.

ARCHIE
So how’s everyone getting’ along down there?

MAUDE
Okay I guess. (She comes and sits next to Archie on bed) Well Aunt Mabel is downstairs arguing with Veronica about spiking the punchbowl.

ARCHIE
Veronica did that?

MAUDE
No. Aunt Mabel was trying to talk her into it.
(Audience Laughter)People are downstairs and they’re wondering where you are.

ARCHIE
Just tell em’ what you been tellin’ em’.

MAUDE
Telling them “Oh he’s on the John and will be back in a minute” is starting to wear off.
(Audience Laughter)


ARCHIE
Well Tell em’ I had to go lie down because I felt nauserated. (nauseous)
(MORE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

MAUDE
Archie you have to go back down there and face everybody and the truth. I know it’s tough but Edith wouldn’t like it if you were up here sulking.

MURRAY ENTERS.

MURRAY
Hey can I come in?

ARCHIE
(Slightly Annoyed)Boy, it sure is gettin’ crowded up heeere.
(light audience laugher)

STEPAHNIE IS IN KITCHEN AT THE TABLE AND POLLY WALKS THROUGH TO GO TO THE REFRIDGERATOR.

POLLY
Are you all right sweetie?

STEPHANIE
I’m fine.

POLLY
(SIGHS) I can imagine how tough this is on you.

STEPHANIE
Aunt Edith was like a mother to me. I never had a real mother. She would always do things with me. We’d bake cookies, she’d help me practice my songs on the piano. In a lot of ways I’m really gonna miss her.

POLLY
But a GOOD way to remember your Aunt Edith is to hang on to the fond memories.

STEPHANIE
Fond memories, Huh?

POLLY
Yes. Continue to think upon the happy times that you had with her.

STEPHANIE
Now that I think about it, there really never were any bad ones.

POLLY
You see? If you think about the good times with her, you won’t feel as bad. Your Aunt Edith was a great person.

STEPHANIE
She was wasn’t she? Well, I feel a little better, but I can’t help but to miss her. It’s so hard to believe she won’t be around anymore.

(POLLY COMFORTS HER)

BACK TO LIVING ROOM SCENE
HARRY
Everything Ok. Mr Van R?

MR. VAN RANSELEER
Everything is fine. What time is it?

BARNEY
It’s five after four.

Mr. VanRenseleer
Well I’d better get going. There’s a movie on T.V. that I wanted to listen to.
(Audience Laughter)

BARNEY
Yeah I guess I had better get goin’ too. I have to get my paperwork for the bridge insepctions. Say where is Archie anyway?

HARRY
I think he’s still upstairs. I hope he comes down. I wanted to say Goodbye to him.

MURRAY
Come On, Archie. You can’t stay up here forever. You gotta go down there sometime.

MAUDE
He’s right Archie. All your friends and family are down there. Plus I think Gloria needs you especially right now.

ARCHIE
Gloria? What for?

MURRAY
You gotta imagine how she’s feelin’ right now. You’ve barely said a word to her and Mike since they’ve been here.

MAUDE
That’s right, Archie. You get down there and you talk to her. I think they feel bad enough. They loved Edith too. You can’t go on holding this grudge.

ARCHIE
All Right! All Right! I’ll go down there and talk to everybody. Will that make you feel better?


MAUDE
Don’t do it for us. Just do it because it’s the right thing to do.
Close Up shot of Archie.
(End of Scene. Scene Dissolves into next Scene in the living room)

PEOPLE ARE STILL TALKING DOWNSTAIRS.

HARRY, MR. VAN R AND BARNEY ARE ABOUT TO LEAVE. ARCHIE IS COMING DOWN THE STAIRS.

HARRY
Arch. There you are!

ARCHIE
You guys are leavin’ already?

BARNEY
Yeah. We can stay a little longer if you’d like.

ARCHIE
No. No. That’s OK. You go on.

BARNEY
I’ll give you a call later, OK?

ARCHIE
Yeah, uh. Sure.

MR.VANRENSELEER
Are ya sure you’ll be okay?

ARCHIE
Nah. Nah Don’t worry about me.

HARRY
All right. I’ll see you at the bar. Call if you need anything. See ya Archie.
ALL THREE MEN LEAVE AND CLOSE THE DOOR.

GEORGE
Listen, uh,Bunker me and Weezy about to get goin’.

ARCHIE
Ya leavin’ too?



GEORGE
Yeah. Hey uh, listen. I know we had our differences and everything but I want you to know that I really am sorry for what happened. I wouldn’t know what to do if it ever happened to Louise and uh, don’t tell her I said that.
(Audience Laughter)

(ARCHIE CHUCKLES AS LIONEL, LOUISE AND JENNY COME OVER)

LOUISE
Well, we’re all set.

LIONEL
Yeah. Mister Bunker. It was good to see you again.

MIKE AND GLORIA COME OVER.

GLORIA
Goodbye you guys. Thanks for coming out.

MIKE
Yeah. We really appreciate it. It was good seeing you again, Lionel.

LIONEL
You, too professor.
(They Shake Hands)
GLORIA
Hey Jenny, take Care of that little girl.
(Hugging Jenny)
JENNY
Oh, I will. I will.

JOEY COMES RUNNING OVER.

JOEY
(LOOKING AT LIONEL AND JENNY)
Goodbye Mr. And Mrs. Jefferson

(THEN HE LOOKS AT GEORGE AND LOUSIE)
Goodbye Mr. And Mrs. Jefferson.
(Audience Laughs)

LOUISE
Goodbye, Dear. Goodbye Archie. (Hugs Him)

Everyone is saying goodbye to each other as the Jefferson Family is heading out the door. George and Archie share a touching moment as a camera closeup comes on their handshake. George Exits and audience Applauds.

FRANK WALKS OVER TO ARCHIE WITH IRENE

FRANK
Well Archie. Were gonna head out too.

IRENE
We are really sorry about what happened. It was a great ceremony. Edith was a wonderful person and I thought I’d never say this……… but so are you.

ARCHIE
Well you know, I try, Irene. I’m loyning to be more hip. It’s the 80’s thing you know? (Light Audience Laughter)
IRENE AND ARCHIE SHARE HUGS AND FRANK AND ARCHIE EXTEND HANDSHAKES. THEY SAY GOODBYE AND EXIT.

SCENE DISSOLVES INTO NEXT SCENE

MAUDE
Well, that’s it. There’s nobody left. You neighbor Polly went home about 20 minutes ago. Veronica’s gone. Aunt Mable, Aunt Eunice and the rest of the clan left but will be back later to clean. They say you need to clean more.
(Light Audience Laughter)

ARCHIE
I swear, Maude. Dem relatives of yours. They should happy I’m lettin’ them stay overnight. I should let Mabel sleep in the attic. That’s where I let Cousin Oscar sleep.

MAUDE
Yeah, but Oscar died there.

ARCHIE
I know.
(Audience Laughter)
Listen, uh Maude. Thanks for all your help and everythin’ while all this was goin’ on.

MAUDE
Oh. You’re welcome. (MAUDE LOOKS AROUND) So, uh when are you gonna start packing up her things?


ARCHIE
I ain’t even gonna mess with that now. I’ll worry ‘bout that later.

MAUDE
Uh, I think I’ll go upstairs and check on the Uncle Pete. I think he a little too much too drink. (She goes upstairs)

ARCHIE
Now that don’t surprise me. (Light Laughter from audience)His lips look like they been pickeled in alcohol.
(Audience Laughs)

GLORIA AND MIKE COME FROM DOWNSTAIRS AND ARCHIE OBSERVES HER BUT DOES NOT SAY ANYTHING RIGHT AWAY.

GLORIA
So, uh you talking to me yet?

ARCHIE
Uh..yeah. Sure. Sure. Little goyl. I’m still talkin’ to ya.
Listen, uh I’m real sorry for the way I been treatin’ ya since you came. I shouldn’t be mad at you. If there’s anyone that should take the blame, it should be me.

GLORIA
Daddy, Why?

MIKE
Yeah, Arch. Why?

ARCHIE
I shoulda noticed that your mother wasn’t feeling so great. We had an argument the day before everything happened. She left me a note telling me that she loved me and I- Forget it. I don’t wanna talk about it no more. I-I’m real sorry to the both of yous’.

GLORIA
I love you, daddy.

ARCHIE
I love you litte goyl(girl) (LOOKING AT MIKE HE PAUSES)and I love you.

MIKE AND ARCHIE HUG THEN GLORIA AND ARCHIE HUG WHILE STEPHANIE COMES FROM THE KITCHEN INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND SHE STARES AT EVERYONE ELSE
AND BEGINS TO CRY. ARCHIE LOOKS OVER TO STEPHANIE.

ARCHIE
Tough Day, kiddo?

STEPHANIE WALKS OVER AND THERE IS A GROUP HUG ESTABLISHED. AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.

FREEZE FRAME



Archie Alone (Parts 1 and 2)

ARCHIE BUNKER’s PLACE
Downloaded via http://www.allinthefamilysit.com/

Archie Alone (Transcript)

Written by

Mark Fink & Stephen Miller “Part One”
Alan Rosen & Fred Rubin “Part Two”

Staring

Archie Bunker----------Carroll O'Connor
Murray Klein-----------Martin Balsam
Stephanie Mills--------Danielle Brisebois
Barney Hefner----------Allan Melvin
Harry Snowden----------Jason Wingreen
Mr. Van Ranseleer------Bill Quinn
Veronica Rooney--------Anne Meara

Guest Staring

Polly Swanson----------Janet MacLachlan
Kathy Wakefield--------Renne Jarrett
Jim Spencer------------John Welsh
Arlene Schiff----------Sandy Lipton
Bob the shop teacher---Wil Albert
Linda the waitress-----Heidi Hagman(Larry Hagman’s daughter)
Directed by
Carroll O’Connor and Gary Shimokawa
Executive Producer
Alen Horn
Produced By
Joe Gannon
Story Editors
Patt Shea & Harriett Weiss
Mark Fink & Stephen Miller
Carroll O’Connor
Alan Rosen & Fred Rubin

Associate Producer

Ken Stump


PART ONE

ACT ONE SCENE ONE
FADE IN:
INT.KITCHEN-MORNING


ARCHIE
What are you doing?
STEPHANIE
Going to make bacon and eggs.
ARCHIE
For who?
STEPHANIE
For you.
ARCHIE
Oh no I don’t want nothing like that. Forget it.
STEPHANIE
Aren’t you ever going to let me cook breakfast?
ARCHIE
You can cook breakfast when you grow up and get married. If you are lucky enough to find some dope.
Archie see’s cereal box on table.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Meantime look here we got your beautiful coco crunchies their.
close-up on sour look of Stephanie’s face.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Don’t give me that face.
Archie picks up box and starts reading label.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Did you ever read what’s in this stuff here look at this You got your phosphorus there you got your vitamins there. You got your magnishia. All of that hey. And the best thing of all if that stuff if loaded with sugar. Keep you going all day long.
Archie opens refrigerator and smells spoiled food.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
God what stinks in here.
STEPHANIE
Everything! The stuffed cabbage from Mrs. Bloom the tuna casserole from ...
Archie interrupts Stephanie.
ARCHIE
Alright alright alright don’t tell me no more.
Archie reaches into the refrigerator and pulls out the milk and rejoins Stephanie at the table.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
If the refrigerator’s working why is everything stinking?
STEPHANIE
It’s all been in there for three weeks.
ARCHIE
Oh didn’t you think to clean some of it out?
STEPHANIE
You told me not to touch anything in the kitchen.
ARCHIE
00020000064100000A1D 63B,Ya that’s right I told you that.
Archie sits down. Stephanie looks into the cereal box.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Hay there was a terrific picture on the late show last night. You should of stooped downstairs and watched it with me for a little while you know. Godzilla the monster. You should of seen that guy killing Japs millions of them there. We sure could have used him in WW2 .
Stephanie pours cereal into her bowl and put the box back in the middle of the table.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
So how was school yesterday?
STEPHANIE
fine. How was work?
Archie drinks coffee
ARCHIE
um----terrific terrific. I got everything under control like usual.
Stephanie pours the last drop of milk onto her cereal.
STEPHANIE
We need milk.
ARCHIE
ya I see that. Well ill bring home some from work tonight.
STEPHANIE
I was thinking this weekend.
Archie interrupts Stephanie
ARCHIE
Hay hay hay hay. I got this weekend all planed for us look at this here. Two reserved seats. Tickets to the circus that’s for Saturday afternoon isn’t it. On Sunday we go to the movies again.
STEPHANIE
I like to go the cemetery. You said we would.
ARCHIE
Oh ya but I already bought the tickets.
STEPHANIE
You promised.
ARCHIE
I know i promised but I didn’t say when.
They hear knock at the door.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
I’ll get that
Archie goes to the door and opens it.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Oh hi you there Polly. Come on in Come on in. How you doing.
POLLY
Hi Arch I’m fine. You certainly sound chipper. How’s it going?
ARCHIE
Oh with us fine. Were getting along swell. Here look at this were even having breakfast.
POLLY
Ah! How are you Stephanie?
00020000063900001058 633,STEPHANIE
OK
POLLY
Arch I came for my casserole dish.
ARCHIE
Oh ya ya. Well
Archie goes to the refrigerator and hesitantly opens the door.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Oh Polly its-its in here you know. Amongst allot of other odds and ends. Can you find it in there?
POLLY
I found it.
Polly reaches to the bottom shelf and pulls the dish out.
POLLY (cont’d)
You didn’t eat it! Don’t you like Lasagna?
ARCHIE
Lasagna is that what that used to be?
POLLY
Ya
ARCHIE
Oh gee we love Lasagna. We thought it was a tuna casserole. Well I’ll get all of that out for you.
POLLY
Oh I’ll get it out.
Polly looks down at the dish.
POLLY (cont’d)
Hay! It looks like it’s trying to get out by it’s self.
Archie looks at Stephanie and then looks at his watch.
ARCHIE
Oh well look at the time kid-o. Maybe you better be running off to school.
STEPHANIE
OK
STEPHANIE (cont’d)
What about this Saturday?
ARCHIE
Come on Saturday were going to the circus. I got the tickets Ha. And look we got to get there early so we get used to the smell of the elephants. So though when we have out Hot Dogs peanuts and cotton candy then we won’t get nauserated.
Stephanie puts on her jacket.
STEPHANIE
Take somebody else to the circus.
Stephanie opens the kitchen door and enters the living room. Archie opens the door Stephanie stares at him before she opens the front door and leaves the house. Archie goes back into the kitchen.
POLLY
What’s she got against the circus?
ARCHIE
Oh nothing nothing nothing. She goes to the circus alright. Just that she was thinking about making a visitation to the. Well you know Medowglen.
0002000006870000168B 681,POLLY
Oh
ARCHIE
Ya. Ah I figure what’s the rush it’s only a little over a month. You might as well give the grass a chance to grow out there before you start looking all around. You know what I mean?
POLLY
I know what you mean. Well just yell over the fence if you need me ok.
ARCHIE
Ya I’ll do that Polly.
POLLY
Bye Arch.
ARCHIE
Ya ya thanks a million.
Polly opens the kitchen door to the outside.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Hay give my regards to Ed.
POLLY
I will.
Polly closed the door and leaves the kitchen. Archie picks up the circus tickets looks at them and throws them down on the table.
fADE TO:bar







ACT ONE SCENE TWO

INT.BAR-Morning


Veronica
Gees yous guys are always fighting about something that has no meaning to the rest of humanity.
BARNEY
I’m just trying to tell Harry that most of the traffic that comes into the city comes over the try borough bridge.
HARRY
Well I say it’s the Queens borough.
BARNEY
Well are you trying to tell me my business? I’ve been a bridge inspector here for 28 years and I’m telling you her it’s the Try borough.
Veronica
Hay how do you inspect bridges when your always in here ha?
BARNEY
Easy! I simply consult my manifest find out today’s the day for the
Brooklyn Bridge and I mark it unsafe.
Barney shows his clip board to Veronica. She looks away in disbelief.
HARRY
Hay Barney try some of these new cashews.
Harry hands the jar to Barney.
Van Ranseleer
Ya there excellent I got them at a gourmet place in the village.
BARNEY
Gee thanks Mr. Van R I really love cashews.
Barney opens the bottle and a gag snake pops out. Everyone laughs.
MURRAY
Harry it never fails does it?
00020000062E00001D0C 628,BARNEY
You guys is there no end to your merriment?
Barney give the gag snake to Harry.
Veronica
Oh gees fellows I hate to interrupt important business, but whereas my oven cleaner ha?
MURRAY
Archie’s bringing it over. He has a couple a errands to go on first.
HARRY
Were trying to keep him busy.
BARNEY
You know I can’t help thinking of my cousin Eddie it was offal.
Veronica
What’s with him?
BARNEY
Well he’s allot like Arch. He relied on his wife for everything and she passed away in her sleep one night quietly. Just like Edith it was her her you know. It was terrible.
Veronica, HARRY AND MURRAY
What happened
BARNEY
He couldn’t handle it. He went to pieces.
Veronica Harry and Murray look on with a stoned look on their faces.
BARNEY (cont’d)
But not old Arch he’s doing fine.
MURRAY
And I hope it stays that way.
Veronica
Listen were all trying to keep him happy ant we. Were all keeping his spirits up.
MURRAY
You can do that by breathing on him.
Veronica
Oh ha ha ha ha.
Everyone laughs!
MURRAY
Ah Veronica.
Archie come through the front door carrying a loaded brown paper supermarket bag.
ARCHIE
Hi there everybody.
EVERYONE
Hi Arch.
Archie walks past Mr. Van Ranseleer.
ARCHIE
Hi Mr. Van R.
Veronica walks up to Archie.
Veronica
Hi there boss did you get my oven cleaner?
Archie hands her the spray can of oven cleaner from the bag over to Veronica.
ARCHIE
Ya here it is. Gee this stuff cost a fortune do you have to cook like a slob?
Veronica
Look who’s calling who a slob.
MURRAY
Don’t argue.
Veronica
Your right Arch I’ll try to watch it.
00020000062800002334 622,
ARCHIE
Hi Linda here
Linda comes to Archie. Archie gives her the bag.
ARCHIE (cont’d)

Get this stuff back in the office for me ha.
Linda takes the bag off camera to the office.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
I have a latch to fix on the back door and I have to look at the leak in the ceiling there.
Archie hold up a toilet ballrod.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
And this here Murray is a job for you.
MURRAY
Glad to do it.
BARNEY
Is that for your toilet arch?
ARCHIE
No Barney it’s for my goldfish bowl.
Everyone but Archie laughs.
ARCHIE
What the hell was so funny?
MURRAY
It’s not what you said it how you said it. It’s all in the timing.
ARCHIE
Oh Ya, I was never that funny before.
HARRY
Oh Well can I say Arch. Like good scotch you get better with age.
ARCHIE
Like a good bartender pour me a beer.
HARRY
Coming right out.
MURRAY
Anything he wants.

Archie opens the gag cashew can. A the toy snake pops out. Only the blind Mr. Van Ranseleer laughs.
Van Ranseleer
Ha ha who who got it this time?
ARCHIE
I got it this time Mr. Van R.
Archie pauses everyone looks on and stays silent.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
How come yous ant laughing at that ha. You said that was funny ain’t that a joke?
MURRAY
That’s too childish to be funny.
ARCHIE
Than why was Mr. Van R wetting his paints here?
Murray is speechless.
ARCHIE
Come on come on Murray I know what you are doing. I know what yous all are doing and don’t do it no more ha. You don’t have to tiptoe around me.
MURRAY
Your right Arch your right.
ARCHIE
And yous don’t have to be always agreeing with me neither.
BARNEY
OK arch anything you say.
0002000006AC00002956 6A6,ARCHIE
You done it again you dope.
BARNEY
Your right.
ARCHIE
And still again.
BARNEY
Ya I know.
HARRY
You be better off in Brooklyn Barney.
BARNEY
Ya I think I go inspect my bridge.
Barney leaves the bar and a man with a overcoat and brief case comes in as Barney is leaving. He walks over to the bar.
SPENCER
Hello Mr. Klein. Is Mr. Bunker in yet?
MURRAY
Oh ya you tracked him down. Hay Archie this man was her to see you yesterday. I told him to come around today.
Spencer walks to Archie on the other side of the room.
SPENCER
Mr. Bunker hi. Jim Spencer Fidelity Insurance. It’s about your wive’s policy.
ARCHIE
Oh ya ya ya.
SPENCER
You are a tough man to track down.
ARCHIE
Oh well I’ve been pretty busy lately. To tell you the truth I am very busy right now. Setting up for the lunch rush you know and I got to go back and fix a raging toilet.
Archie holds up the toilet rod that is still in his hand. Spencer put his briefcase down on a table.
SPENCER
Well this won’t take but a minute. OK if we sit here.
Spencer sits down at the same table he put his brief case down on. Archie reluctantly follows him and sits down. Spencer pulls a tan folder out of his brief case.
SPENCER
First off please accept condolences on behalf of myself and Fidelity Insurance on the death of your wife Judith.
ARCHIE
That was Edith.
SPENCER
Oh I’m terribly sorry please forgive me. I have trouble reading my own handwriting. Maybe I should have become a doctor.
Spencer laughs. Archie is not amused.
SPENCER (cont’d)
I have I have your beneficiary death claim. Which states that Edith Bunker died on the date indicated and if you just sign in right there I’ll present you with a check for five thousand dollars.
00020000065400002FFC 64E,ARCHIE
I ain’t going to sign that.
SPENCER
what?
ARCHIE
I don’t want to be no beneficiary. What do yous people think. That I can sign a person off the world like that. I don’t want it. Just send it out to my daughter in California Gloria Staved she lives in Santa Barbara.
SPENCER
Well why don’t you do that Mr. Bunker? You can indorse the check right over to her. See as beneficiary I need your signature on the death claim.
ARCHIE
I ain’t signing no death claim. Oh Your a big company can’t you just leave me alone and do what I’m asking you to do. Send it out there to my daughter
SPENCER
Oh maybe I better call the home
office.
Spencer looks for change in his pocket at eyes the bar’s pay phone.
ARCHIE
Use the Pay phone down in the subway this ones out of order.
Spencer looks at the pay phone again.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
It’s out of order.
The pay phone rings. Archie picks it up. Spencer see’s it’s working.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Archie Bunker’s Place A. Bunker here. Ah hol-hold on ha.
Archie turns to Spencer.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Down the subway alright.
Spencer pack up his brief case and leaves.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
I’m Back. Yes that’s right Stephanie Mills. What do you mean she’s fine. What?!!!! well No I didn’t know. Ill handle it.
Harry, Murray and Linda look on.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Alright! Alright! Alright! Ill handle it bye.
Archie turns his head to the bar.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Oh holy cow.

MURRAY
What happened?
ARCHIE
It’s the kid. She ain’t been in school for a week.
Camera zooms in on archie
fADE TO BLACK.
-----------------COMMERCIAL BREAK-------------------------

ACT TWO SCENE ONE
0002000006450000364A 63F,Archie is bopping the toilet rod on the bar.
Veronica
Don’t you hit her!
ARCHIE
I ain’t going to hit her!
Archie waves rod.
Veronica
What you going to do flush her?
MURRAY
Just stay calm.
ARCHIE
I am calm.
Stephanie enters through the front door of the bar.
STEPHANIE
Hi everybody.
EVERYONE
Hi Stephe.
Veronica
How you doing honey?
STEPHANIE
Hi
Stephanie sits down at the corner of the bar to the left of Archie.
ARCHIE
Well so how was school today?
STEPHANIE
(Softly) Fine.
Stephanie tries to think of something quickly.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
What did you learn there?
STEPHANIE
History! How Marco Polo opened trade with China.
ARCHIE
Richard E Nixon done that your lying. You wasn’t in school today. If fact you haven’t been in school all week.
Veronica take to toilet rod away from in front of Archie.
Veronica
Don’t use your hands!
ARCHIE
I’ll use my hand on you if you don’t get out of here.
Veronica goes to the kitchen and takes the rod.
MURRAY
Arch.
Murray give a hand signal to Archie to stay under control.
ARCHIE
You and me are going to have a little talk in private back in the office.
Stephanie proceeds to the office. But Archie see’s Harry and Mr. Van Ranseleer. Forgetting the fact that Mr. Van Ranseleer is blind.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
What are yous two looking at?
Van Ranseleer
Who’s looking?
Archie looks away a proceeds to the office.
ARCHIE
This ain’t like you kid-o this ain’t like you at all. What have you been doing? Where have you been going?
STEPHANIE
To the library.
ARCHIE
Everyday? Nobody can read everyday.
STEPHANIE
Once I went to a museum. Mostly I sit in the park and think.
00020000066300003C89 65D,ARCHIE
Your supposed to be doing your thinking in school.
STEPHANIE
I know but I can’t go back there.
ARCHIE
Oh you got to go back there.
STEPHANIE
I just can’t. Kids are treating me different now.
ARCHIE
What are they doing to you?
STEPHANIE
They don’t want to talk to me. I had to recite a poem. It was one Aunt Edith helped me memorize and off of the sudden I was crying and ever since the other kids have been acting funny.
Archie sits down at the desk.
ARCHIE
Listen that should teach you a lesson. You had no go blooping in front of strangers.
STEPHANIE
But even at home I can’t.
ARCHIE
You shouldn’t be at home neither. It don’t do no good . It don’t change nothing kid. Listen I’m going through the same thing here you know. Murray, Barney all the guys their treating me differently.
STEPHANIE
They are!
ARCHIE
They think you and me are going to fall apart on our owns. But they don’t know us. Were going to be OK ain’t we? Ain’t we?
STEPHANIE
Guess so.
ARCHIE
After you eat your lunch I’ll walk you back to school.
STEPHANIE
You don’t have to.
ARCHIE
I got to. I got to go up and see that truant officer. Ain’t that ridicules. Your the guy that goes awall and I’m the guy that has to face the court’s martial.
fADE OUT.
ACT TWO SCENE TWO
INT.SCHOOL OFFICE-AFTERNOON
fADE IN:
Archie is sitting in the “truant officer’s” waiting room between two young boys. Meanwhile in the truant officer’s office.
MS.WAKEFIELD
Oh Bob throwing things in class. I understand how you feel school if full of frustrations failures disappointments.
Camera pans over to Bob and he is a middle aged man.
WAKEFIELD (cont’d)
000200000616000042E6 610,It’s OK to be angry about that, but you can’t express that anger with violence.
BOB
It was self defence.
WAKEFIELD
That shouldn’t be necessary.
Ms. Wakefield gets up and starts to walk to the door.
WAKEFIELD (cont’d)
Remember Bob when your trying to control 35 boys in shop class nothing is more important then calm.
Ms.Wakefield opens the door and Bob leaves the room.
WAKEFIELD (cont’d)
Mr. Bunker, please come in.
Archie gets up from between the two young boys and enters Wakefield’s office.
WAKEFIELD (cont’d)
I’m Ms. Wakefield we spoke earlier on the phone.
ARCHIE
Ya ya I know, but I can’t help saying I’m surprised you know. Seeing you a grown-up women and a good looking women too I might add doing this type of work.
WAKEFIELD
What?
ARCHIE
Being a truant officer torturing little kids.
WAKEFIELD
Oh Mr. Bunker I’m not a truant officer. I’m a councillor.
Wakefield shows Archie the her degree on her wall.
ARCHIE
What is that Barn Yard Collage.
WAKEFIELD
That’s Boneyard.
ARCHIE
Oh Boneyard! Do yous have a football team?
WAKEFIELD
No there the state champions in debating.
ARCHIE
Debating oh biggie.
WAKEFIELD
Please sit down I like to talk to you about Stephanie.
Archie and Ms.Wakefield sit down.
WAKEFIELD (cont’d)
First of all I wasn’t you to know how sorry I am to hear about your wife.
ARCHIE
Oh ya well thanks very much.
WAKEFIELD
And I realize this is a difficult time for Stephanie.
ARCHIE
Ya well we don’t need to go into all of that you know. I had a nice little talk with her this noon. She ain’t going to play hookey no more.
000200000674000048F6 66E,WAKEFIELD
That’s good! Did you find out what the problem is.
ARCHIE
Ya all the kids was treating her funny, but that’s normal the same thing is happening to me. You know the guys down at my bar ever since I lost my wife.
WAKEFIELD
Did Stephanie attend the funeral?
ARCHIE
Attend sure! Her and me were the first to the grave.
WAKEFIELD
well I’m glad she had a chance to mourn with the family.
ARCHIE
Oh we mourned first class let me tell you.
WAKEFIELD
Does Stephanie talk very much about her aunt?
ARCHIE
Oh well she tries to you know, but I get her right off of that.
WAKEFIELD
Well sometimes people want to talk about their sadness with somebody close to them.
ARCHIE
Ya I know I know they keep wanting to drag it out and drag it out you know,but they aut to be forgetting and getting on with life.
WAKEFIELD
I suppose you haven’t given Stephanie anything that belonged to your wife.
ARCHIE
Oh no God. What do you think I am a dope? Gees I have not looked and any of that stuff my self. But I want to pack it away when I get a chance.
WAKEFIELD
Mr. Bunker I think your wrong. I think you should let Stephanie go through those things with you and pick out something that belonged to your wife.
It is very helpful to have a special keepsake.
ARCHIE
Are you kidding?
WAKEFIELD
No I’m not kidding.
ARCHIE
Oh well I don’t know what I’m doing here wasting my time. Gees you and me are talking two different languages.
Archie gets up to leave. Ms.Wakefield gets up.
WAKEFIELD
Afraid so!
ARCHIE
Oh listen I done what you want. I got the kid back in school. That’s what you were worrying about. You don’t have to worry about nothing no more goodbye.
00020000063F00004F64 639,Archie goes to the door.
WAKEFIELD
I’m not finished.
ARCHIE
Well I am!
WAKEFIELD
Mr. Bunker children just like adults need to deal with death it’s part of life. Stephanie need to talk about this. If she doesn’t it could have serious consequences.
ARCHIE
I know my job and I’m doing it.
You just do your job case closed.
frEEZE FRAME
END OF part ONE






PART TWO
ACT THREE SCENE ONE
fADE IN:

INT.BAR Kitchen-day
Two cups filled with coffee are in front of Veronica.
Veronica
Coffee one with sugar one without.
MURRAY
Well which ones mine.
Veronica
The one with.
MURRAY
Which one is it.
Veronica puts her finger in one of the cups and then puts her finger in her mouth. Degusted Murray pushes that cup to Veronica.
MURRAY (TO ARCHIE)
You know something I think that councilor is right. Stephanie can’t handle thing the way you can. So I think you should do whatever the councilor told you to do.
Veronica
That’s what I say.
ARCHIE
But she said I ought to let ought to let Stephanie help me go through all of Edith’s stuff. You know Pack and maybe let her keep something that belonged to her.
MURRAY
well that’s a good idea!
Veronica
I kept my Aunt Jessie’s amides rosery beads.

MURRAY
It over a month it’s time.
ARCHIE
Ya well I guess its got to be done.
MURRAY
Well who else is going to do it?
ARCHIE
Veronica!
Veronica
What! No! No no! no! I know what you think. You want me to go over to your place tomorrow and help pack up all Edith’s clothes and stuff.
ARCHIE
0002000006510000559D 64B,You wouldn’t have to do it alone you know. I could get our neighbor Polly Swanson to come in and help you.
Veronica starts to cry.
Veronica
Oh Archie! Archie!
Veronica cry’s some more.
ARCHIE
Gees alright forget it forget it.
Veronica
I’ll do it I’ll do it. I just got to do this first.
Veronica walks away crying. Murray gets up to follow her Archie tugs on his arm.
ARCHIE
No wait a Minute wait a Minute where-where are you going?
MURRAY
I’m going inside to cheer her up.
ARCHIE
In the ladies toilet?
Murray realizes what Veronica is doing and wit a embarrassed look on his face sits back down.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
One other thing the councilor told me that it would be good if Stephanie had a hart to hart talk about how she feels about all of this.
MURRAY
Well that’s an excellent idea.
ARCHIE
Good come over tonight.
MURRAY
I can’t do it you have to do it.
ARCHIE
Oh no no the councilor said I am the very last Pearson that should try to do that. She said I should get a close family friend. She made a particular point of that.
MURRAY
That doesn’t sound right to me.
ARCHIE (RAISING HIS VOICE)
What do you mean it don’t sound right.
MURRAY
It doesn’t sound right.
ARCHIE
I’m trying-----
HARRY
Hay fellows this problems getting to be well known out here.
Harry slams closed the window door to the bar area.
ARCHIE
You just told me to do everything the councilor told me well I’m doing that and let me tell you something she was a very pretty young women. Jewish I think.
MURRAY
what does that got to do with anything?
ARCHIE
Do you want to be a close family friend? Or don’t you?
fADE TO:ARCHIE’s Kitchen
00020000064E00005BE8 648, ACT THREE SCENE TWO
INT.HOUSE-NIGHT
Archie gets Ice Cream and a big serving spoon out the freezer in the kitchen and proceeds to the diner table in the living room where Murray is sitting with Stephanie. Where they have just eaten dinner.
ARCHIE
Well how about the Ice Cream?
MURRAY
Oh no Arch. No more for me I’m full up ah.
ARCHIE
No ice cream well.
MURRAY
Boy that dinner. That was good.
ARCHIE
Oh well there’s nothing to it all you need is the time the talent and the Cornel’s phone number.
OK when your finished I’ll do up the dishes here ha.
STEPHANIE
Can I help?
Archie
No no no let me do this. I’ll do this my self. I bought this new detergent I want to test out. It’s supposed to make your hands as smooth as a baby’s behind.
Archie goes into the kitchen.
MURRAY
well that chicken was good wasn’t it.
STEPHANIE
Fine Goodnight.
Stephanie heads for the stairs.
MURRAY
The coleslaw was taste wasn’t it.
STEPHANIE
It was creamy.
MURRAY
Wait wait wait wait where are you going?
STEPHANIE
To my room.
MURRAY
You know Steph. You and I haven’t had a good talk for a long time. How about a little talk right now.
STEPHANIE
What do you want to talk about?
MURRAY
Well lets talk about you ha. How have you been feeling lately.
STEPHANIE
OK.
MURRAY
OK ha. Come here sit down.
Murray takes Stephanie’s hand they head for the couch.
MURRAY (cont’d)
You know you can tell me if you haven’t been feeling good lately. You Know that. Here you go.
They sit down on the couch.
MURRAY (cont’d)
I heard that you missed school for a couple of days there.
Silence
MURRAY (cont’d)
00020000065000006230 64A,You know Steph a couple of years ago when my father died I remember not wanting to talk to anybody about it and one day I decided to talk about it. I want to tell you I felt so much better.
STEPHANIE
I want to talk to him about my Aunt Edith, but he won’t let me.
MURRAY
He won’t.
STEPHANIE
No. Every time I mention her he changes the subject or gets mad. And he’s been acting so weird.
MURRAY
Oh how do you mean?
STEPHANIE
He won’t answer the phone. He won’t open all the cards we been getting and he’s sleeping on the couch now.
MURRAY
Every night?
STEPHANIE
Aaha. Ever since Aunt Edith died.
Murray’s face shrugs.
STEPHANIE (cont’d)
Can I go now?
MURRAY
Umhu ya ya-ya.
Murray sits back of the couch and Stephanie goes up the stairs.
STEPHANIE
Thanks.
MURRAY
Goodnight.
Archie is eavesdropping in the kitchen with his ear to the kitchen door Murray opes the door with Archie’s ear pressed on it. Archie feeling pain puts his had over his ear.
ARCHIE
Oh gees.
Murray enters the kitchen.
MURRAY
What happened?
ARCHIE
You crushed my ear lob hum.
MURRAY
Well I didn’t think you were eavesdropping.
ARCHIE
I wasn’t eavesdropping.
MURRAY
Oh what were you doing?
ARCHIE
I was trying to eavesdrop. Gees were talking too low. So?
MURRAY
Well we had a very nice little talk. How are you getting along.
ARCHIE
What do you mean me? I’m fine fine.
MURRAY
How come your sleeping on the couch?
ARCHIE
You wasn’t supposed to be talking to her about me.
MURRAY
But we did.
ARCHIE
Well gee Didn’t you ever fall asleep in front of the TV some night ha?
They walk through the door into the living room.
0002000006210000687A 61B,ARCHIE (cont’d)
You know I mean every once in a while.
MURRAY
Ya every once in a while.
ARCHIE
Ya sure it happens. I’ll tell you something else you be surprised the interesting stuff you pick up on them late TV talk shows. Hay they’re better the National Enquirer.
MURRAY
Arch will you level with me? Now you been sleeping on that couch ever night now come on.
ARCHIE
Alright I’ll level with you. I could never get a decent nights rest of that bed up there.
Archie heads for the door
Archie takes Murray’s hat and overcoat off the rack.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Now that’s the truth. You know Edith always liked that bed,
And now that I’m alone I’s really thinking about selling it.

Archie hands Murray the jacket and places the hat on Murray’s head.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
I’ll tell you something you won’t believe.
Murray removes the hat from his head.
MURRAY
I don’t doubt that.
ARCHIE
That old sofa there is way more comfortable.
MURRAY
Why didn’t you sign the death claim?
Archie looks at Murray silent for a second.
ARCHIE
Hay listen Murray you know I think we talked enough we did ya. I want to thank you very much for coming over and helping me with the kid, but from now on you know. Stay out of my business!
Archie opes the front door for Murray.
MURRAY
OK alright.
As Murray enters the doorway he turns around.
MURRAY (cont’d)
Just one more thing though.
ARCHIE
Tomorrow.
MURRAY
Now. I came over here to find out about Stephanie’s problem. I did the problem is you.
Murray turns around and walks away. Camera stays on Archie in doorway.
00020000065000006E95 64A,ARCHIE
Bah.
Archie closes the door.
Now we are in Stephanie room dressed ready for bed. she is on her bed reading a school book. We hear a knock at the door.
STEPHANIE
You can come in.
ARCHIE
Oh that’s nice your doing your homework ah.
STEPHNIE
Oahu. I’m doing a report do you know anything about Zimbabwe?
ARCHIE
Zimbabwe aaah that’s a forward for the Knicks. Big tall colored guy.
STEPHANIE
Never mind.
ARCHIE
Did you have a nice talk with Murray?
STEPHANIE
Oaha do you want to talk?
ARCHIE
Well I don’t want to bother you well your doing your homework there you know. That’s the important thing you keep it that and I’ll holler out good night through the door a little latter.
We see a close-up Stephanie’s sad looking face.
fADE TO BLACK.
----------------COMMERCIAL Break-------------------------

ACT FOUR SCENE ONE
fADE IN:
INT.BUNKERS’ BEDROOM-DAY

Veronica and Polly are just about finished packing up Edith’s stuff. Veronica is near a box full with Edith’s dresses next to the bed which has been striped of it’s sheets and blanket. Polly is next to the closet holding one of Edith’s dresses. Stephanie is on the bed looking through Edith’s jewelry box.
Veronica
Well this looks like the last of it.
POLLY
You know I must have seen Edith wear this dress one hundred times. I can just picture her in it running like crazy to the door.
STEPHANIE
Or running up the stairs.
POLLY
Or running to the kitchen. You know your Aunt Edith was into jogging long before anybody else.
Stephanie smiles.
STEPHANIE
You know it feels real strange going through her things. It’s like she’s still here.
00020000065D000074DF 657,Veronica
Ya it does feel funny. I almost expect to see her come walking right in the door.
Veronica turns to Polly who is standing near the window.
Veronica
Ah Theirs nothing left of her things in the dresser.
POLLY
This is it for the closet. Stephe did you find something you want to keep?
STEPHANIE
I’m going to keep this pin.
Stephanie has picked out a hart shaped pin from Edith’s jewelry box.
STEPHANIE (cont’d)
Aunt Edith said she was going to give it to me for my sixteenth birthday. So I’m going to keep it and not wear it until then. It will be like she’s still here to give it to me.
Veronica
That’s very sweat Steph. Alright where does all this stuff go? Does it go over to Jersey or where?
POLLY
Oh no Stephanie and I talked about it and we decided that Edith would want it to go to the Sunshine Home.
STEPHANIE
That’s where my Aunt Edith worked for the old people who don’t have any money.
Veronica
Lets take the stuff down to the car.
POLLY
Here let me help you.
Veronica
No I got it Polly.
Veronica picks up the big heavy box.
POLLY
I suppose it’s wishful thinking that Archie will be back in time to help us.
Veronica caries the box to the bedroom door.
Veronica
Oh he may be back just in time to hold the door open for us.
Polly turns and looks at Stephanie closing Edith’s jewelry box on the bed. Stephanie looks at Edith’s pin that is in her hand.
fADE TO:Kitchen
ACT FOUR SCENE TWO
The door from the kitchen to the outside is open. Archie comes in carrying a brown grocery bag.
ARCHIE
Ah gees look at this door. Barney’s dog could get in here and go all over the kitchen.
00020000061200007B36 60C,Archie puts the bag down on the table and enters the living room. Stephnie is holding a small box.
ARCHIE
Hay who left the back door open?
STEPHANIE
I did I’ll go close it.
ARCHIE
Never mind I already done that already.
Polly carry’s a big box down the stairs.
Veronica
You just in time this here is the last box.

ARCHIE
Oh hay I have been back sooner it was like a madhouse at the supermarket you know. 100 old ladies going crazy. It seems they got a new bag boy that looks like Merv Griffin.

That’s the last of it ha.
POLLY
that’s it.
STEPHANIE
All accept for this.
Stephanie puts her box which is being held by Polly and Veronica on each end. Stephanie then walks up to Archie.
STEPHANIE
Look what I decided to keep.
Stephanie shows Archie Edith’s hart shaped pin.
STEPHANIE (cont’d)
This pin.
ARCHIE
Ya OK that’s very nice. Well I want to thank all of yous for helping.
Veronica
Your welcome.
POLLY
Any time Archie. Hay lets get going.
Veronica
Ya.
ARCHIE
Hay I can help you there. I can hold the door open for you.
Veronica
What did I tell you.
STEPHANIE
Bye Polly bye Veronica.
Veronica
So long honey.
POLLY
Bye.
STEPHNIE
Thank you.
ARCHIE
See you down the bar Veronica.
Veronica
Ya.
ARCHIE
Hay Polly I’ll be yelling to you over the back fence.
POLLY
Ok Archie.
After they leave Archie takes off his hat and puts it on the rack. Archie goes up to Stephanie who is looking at the pin.
ARCHIE
Why don’t you go upstairs and hide that.
Archie sits down in his chair.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
So you don’t lose it.
,STEPHANIE
I won’t lose it.
ARCHIE
Do what I tell you
Stephanie stands still and looks at the pin.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Will you please do what I tell you?
Stephanie goes upstairs Archie sits back still in his chair. The Door bell rings.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Leave it to them to forget something.
Archie opens the door thinking it is Veronica and Polly.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
What did yous forget oh.
Archie sees that it is a women that he does not know at the door.

ARLENE
Hello I’m Arlene Schiff from Ultra Lady cosmetics.
ARCHIE
Oh well I don’t need no cosmetics.
ARLENE
I’m sure you don’t. Is Edith at home?
ARCHIE
No.
ARLENE
She knew I was coming by today.
ARCHIE
Well ya she’s gone.
ARLENE
Do you know when she’ll be back?
ARCHIE
No.
ARLENE
Well I have the cosmetics she ordered last month. I’ll just come back tomorrow.
ARCHIE
Oh no no no don’t do that. Step in step in.
She steps into the house.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
I suppose there something owing on that.
Arlene looks at her receipt.
ARLENE
She has a balance of $13.47
ARCHIE
Oh well I got a $20 bill.
She hands the bag of cosmetics over to Archie.
ARLENE
Let me get you some change.
She is looking in her pocket book for change.
ARCHIE
Oh well I tell you what don’t bother with that. You keep the change.
ARLENE
Oh well thank you. Oh listen my numbers there tell her if she has any question she can call me. Thank you.
ARCHIE
Ya ya don’t menton it.
Arlene leaves. Archie holds up the bag.
ARCHIE
Never could say no to nobody. Never could turn nobody away.

ACT FOUR SCENE THREE
fADE TO:bedroom door
INT.Bedroom-evening
Archie walks into his and Edith’s bedroom. And closed two empty drawers in the dresser. Archie sits down on the bed and finds one of Edith’s slippers on the floor. Sadness encompasses him. To Archie the slipper represents Edith.
ARCHIE
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be the first one to go. I always used to kid you about you going first. You know I never meant none of that and that morning when yous was laying there. I was shaking you and yelling at you to go down and fix my breakfast. I didn’t know. You had no rite to leave me that way.
Archie starts to cry.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Without giving me just one more chance to say I love you.
Archie breaks down and brings the slipper to his face. Stephanie walks through the open door.
ARCHIE
She was the one that was supposed to stay down here with you you know. Not me. Because I ain’t no good at none of this.

Oh well
Archie pulls out his handkerchief and wipes the tears from his eyes.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
I tell you what we do. On Saturday I’ll borrow Murray’s car and you and me will take a little ride to the cemetery.
STEPHANIE
Can we bring flours?
ARCHIE
Ya sure. What kind?
STEPHANIE
Carnations.
ARCHIE
Oh ya ya carnations. She was always crazy about carnations.
ARCHIE (WHISPERING)
Come here.
Stephanie walks to Archie he puts his arms around her.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
Are you alright now?
STEPHANIE
I’m alright.
Stephanie kisses Archie on the cheek.
STEPHANIE (cont’d)
Should I start cooking dinner?
ARCHIE
Ya you can do that. But first you better go to the linen chest out there and get some stuff for the bed here. Gees who the hell striped this bed?
STEPHANIE
Aunt Mabel from Hackensack.
ARCHIE
Oowd Mabel from Hackensack. How did she think I was ever going to use my bed without no sheets and Blanket and pillow cases here?
Stephanie leaves the room.
ARCHIE (cont’d)
God them people from Jersey is brutes.
CAMERA pans away from Archie. UNTIL it becomes a long shop of archie on the bed.
FEEZE FRAME:

[ThomasE]

Remember, read the "Untimely Day" Script(Fictional) and "Archie Alone" (from ABP-1980 episode)