The Very Best Or Worst Or Whatever from Glenn Quagmire (Giggity!)

[Brian Damage]

Let's be honest, Glenn Quagmire is the biggest pervert on TV aside from those actual guys who get caught on To Catch a Predator. If he were a real person, he would've been locked up a long ago. And if he were ever released from said prison he'd have to live in one of those sexual deviant communes under a bridge on the outskirts of town. With FOX's Family Guy currently on summer vacation, we figured it might be fun to take a look back at Quagmire's Most Perverted Moments. You know. Just in time for swimsuit season.

So get ready for some of the darkest and most dangerously awkward nuggets of sexual deviancy on network primetime. Time to get your "giggety giggety" on!

CRASHING THE SLEEPOVER
Quagmire attempted to take advantage of one of the rare occasions when Meg actually had an event with friends. When she has a sleepover in "Petarded", Glenn lurks behind the sofa, wearing only his leopard-print bikini briefs. When the girls don't do anything, he rants about their "mindless chattering" and storms out in frustration.

Of course, as soon as he leaves, the girls whip out their boobs.

WHAT THE HELL IS CPR?
Quagmire was forced to give up his perverse ways after getting caught ogling Lois in a public restroom in "Blind Ambition". To his credit, he tried his best. But a trip to the shopping mall leads to a chance encounter with some women playing in a fountain. The erotic scene makes Quagmire lose his cool, and in his attempt to escape, he accidentally runs into a CCTV camera operation room monitoring women's changing rooms.

Quagmire sees that a woman in a fitting room is having a heart attack, and he appears to rush to her aid, performing vigorous chest compressions between her breasts and breathing air into her mouth. When the woman awakens and a bystander congratulates him on his use of CPR, Quagmire says, "What the hell's CPR?"

THE BACHELORETTE
Quagmire and Brian ended up on a season of The Bachelorette, and while Brian eventually took it as a serious chance to find love, the Q man was just in it for the poon-tang.

"In Brian the Bachelor", Quagmire drugged Brooke the bachelorette and attempted to drag her into another room, before noticing those pesky, omnipresent reality TV show cameras catching him in the act.

FAMILY "GAME NIGHT"
When the Griffin family seeks refuge from their haunted home in "Petergeist", they turn to Quagmire for help. Quagmire opens the door dressed as a baby, and we see his family (at least the people he said was his family) were apparently having an orgy (what other conclusion can one make when a naked woman exits the bedroom riding a donkey followed by a naked man driving a riding mower). Quagmire's explanation? "So uh, as you can see my family's here and uh, it's game night. We're playing... sex. "

One of the earliest of Quagmire's odd fetishes was a bit of podophilia (love of feet). In "Fore Father", Chris ends up hating his dad and tries to find a surrogate father. He picks the worse possible option: Quagmire. Glenn takes Chris down a sordid path, which hits a high point when Quagmire pilfers a woman's shoe out of her bag, takes a deep sniff, then hands it to Chris for a "hit" of eau de foot. Chris says, "I don't think I like feet as much as you do." Quagmire replies, "Hey everybody likes feet!"

THE GAME QUAGMIRE SHOULD NEVER PLAY
On one fateful day, Quagmire and the boys go out and play a fun little drinking game called "I never". It's a simple game, where you have to drink if you did the thing that the other person says they never did. If you've ever played this game you know the topics inevitably lead to sex, and this is one area where Quagmire's sexual prowess works against him.

The list of odd sexual events Glenn has done include doing a chick in a Logan airport bathroom, picking up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home and choke him while pleasuring himself, and my personal favorite: "Giving a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance."

At least we know Quagmire is both perverse and patriotic.

JACKPOT!
In "Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?", when Stewie pretends to be a cheerleader he has to temporarily dispose of the head cheerleader. He leaves the poor girl tied up and gagged in a bathroom stall, where Quagmire stumbles upon her. His reaction: "Dear diary...jackpot!"

This scene is classic Quagmire, but ridiculously creepy when you ponder the circumstances and plight of a high-school girl at the mercy of a sex-crazed weirdo.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE
Another vintage moment from "Blind Ambition". Lois arrives to pick Peter up from the bowling alley, and makes a trip to go tinkle. She soon discovers Quagmire spying on her from the ceiling of the ladies' toilet. After kicking his ass, Lois turns him over to the cops.

Once again, Glenn proves to be the creepiest kind of creeper, but you have to admire the man's agility. Have you ever tried to prop yourself up on a bathroom stalls walls? Those things are slick!

PANTY AUCTION
This classic Quagmire moment really speaks for itself:

Auctioneer: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioneer: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

I don't think we want to know what Glenn did with those panties afterwards.


http://tv.ign.com/articles/114/1140980p2.html