Haggen Humor!

[Vince53]

A Collection of Festus Haggen's Favorite Gunsmoke Jokes.


Newly came in from an unsuccessful day of hunting quail and was telling everybody at the Long Branch about it. "You should have taken Festus with you,” explained Kitty. "His mule Ruth points quail better than any dog.”

Newly didn’t believe it, so he asked Festus if it were true. "Sure is", said Festus, "would you like to see him work?" Newly said, "Sure". Soon they were walking through a field, when Ruth suddenly stopped and struck a beautiful point. Festus walked ahead of the mule and scared up a big covey of quail. This goes on a half dozen more times...Ruth points...Festus scares up the covey. Finally, Newly says, "That's enough, I've got to have that mule". "He ain't for sale", said Festus. I'll give you $50.00 for him", said Newly. Well, Festus couldn't refuse such a big offer, so he sold him.

The next day, Newly was in a rage. "What’s wrong with this mule you sold me?", he screamed..."all he's done all day is stand belly deep in my pond"!! "Well", explained Festus, "I guess I should'a told you......he'd rather fish than hunt."

[Vince53]

Festus got married and was visited by his mother-in-law, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. Festus had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging him at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the deputy and his new bride.

Seeing what was going on, Ruth suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly!

At the funeral service a few days later, Festus stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

Marshal Dillon noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to his deputy, he would nod his head yes and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to Festus, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, Matt later asked Festus what that was all about.

The deputy replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'

The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. He’s all booked up for a year.'

[Vince53]

Festus was explaining to Miss Kitty why she shouldn't ever get married. "Take my mule, Ruth," Festus explained. Mules are better than any husband!" "How do you figure that?" asked Kitty. "Well," Festus replied:



If they don't work out you can sell them.

They don't come with in-laws.

You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.

You never have to iron their saddle pads.

If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.

They smell good when they sweat.

It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".

They turn white with age, but not bald.

They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.

Your mule will not think a new pair of shoes every month is excessive

[Vince53]

Feeling lonely and neglected, Festus' mule, Ruth, entered the Long Branch Saloon to have a drink.

"Good morning, Ruth," said Sam. "Why the long face?"

[Vince53]

Festus rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the saloon's regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the deputy finished his drink and left the saloon, he found that Ruth had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my mule?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my mule ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Dodge City! And I don't want to have to do what I done in Dodge City!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. Festus, true to his word, had another beer and walked outside, to find that Ruth has been returned to his post. He saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender followed the deputy out of the bar. "Say, partner, before you go," the bartender asked nervously, "what did you have to do in Dodge City?" Festus turned back and said, " I had to walk home."

[Vince53]

A group of soldiers from Fort Dodge saw Festus leading Ruth by a halter and decided to have some fun.

"Say, Cowboy!" called out a soldier. "You're sure keeping a tight hold on your brother there!"

"I have to," replied Festus. "If I didn't, he'd run away and join the army."

[Vince53]

Festus and Ruth rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert
searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low
and Ruth was too tired to carry him,so Festus had to walk. Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water.
Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert.

"Thank God I found you!" Festus cried. "Please help me. I'm
in dire need of some water."

"Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would
you like to buy one of these fine ties."

"What am I going to do with a tie?" Festus asked.

"That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't
help you."

Festus left the vendor and walked on for many more miles,
praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching
sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a
restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant
located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a
mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the
door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually
existed.

The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir," the
doorman said, "but you can't come in here without a tie!"

[Vince53]

Marshal Dillon had sent Festus to Abilene on business, and while there, Festus attended a megachurch. Back in Dodge City, he was telling Doc Adams all about it.


"Well first," Festus explained, "I had to park Ruth in a big corral."

"Parking lot," explained Doc.

"Then I walked up the trail to the door."

"Sidewalk," explained Doc.

"Then a bouncer met me inside."
"Usher."

"Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit down."

"Pew."
"Yeah, that's what the lady said that I sat down next to."

[Vince53]

Festus continued with his story about his visit to a large church.



"Well, first," the deputy explained, "they had Sunday School, and the adults stayed in the main auditorium. The teacher talked about sin."

"What did he say about sin?" asked Doc Adams.

"He was against it."

Festus continued, "Then we had a fifteen minute break before church, and everyone was real friendly-like. Some of the younguns ran in to show their parents what they drawed in Sunday School class. One little girl was supposed to draw a picture from a hymn, and she drew a smiling grizzly bear named 'Lee,' who couldn't see straight."

"What hymn was that?" asked Doc.

"Why, Doc, I'm surprised at you," drawled the deputy. "With all your education, you don't know what hymn that was?











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Gladly the Cross I'd Bear

[Vince53]

Leaving Ruth outside because he didn't want to have to buy him a beer, Festus walked into the Long Branch Saloon.

"Hello, Miss Kitty" he drawled. "Where is everybody?"

Kitty replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," Miss Kitty replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the deputy asked.

"Well," explained the saloon owner, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown
paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the deputy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," answered Kitty.

[Vince53]

The circus had come to Dodge City, and Festus, sitting on top of Ruth, was watching the parade go by. One of the circus animals was a mule, wearing huge pink earmuffs and a pink dress. "Say, Ruth," chuckled Festus, "what do you call a mule with pink earmuffs and a pink dress?"



"Anything you want," thought Ruth. "She can't hear you."

[Vince53]

A group of children had gathered around Festus, who was lifting them one at a time onto Ruth and then putting them down again. Little Mary, however, was nervous about getting onto the animal. "Mister Festus," she asked worriedly, "how do you get down from a mule?"

"You don't," Festus replied, "You get down from a duck."

[Vince53]

Marshal Dillon was sitting in his office when Festus brought in a prisoner. "What did he do?" asked the Marshal.
"Well," explained the deputy, "He walked into the Long Branch Saloon, and asked for ten shots of Whiskey.
Then he drank the first five shots real fast, and Sam asked him why he did that?
He said I can do that if you have what I have.
Then he drunk the other five just as fast as the first five.
And Miss Kitty told him not to do that.
He said you can if you have what I have.
So Sam asked him what do you have?
And the Cowboy said.
'Only fifty cents.'"

[Vince53]

A cold spell had hit Dodge City, and the lake was frozen solid. Festus and Louie had heard about ice-fishing, so they decided to give it a try. Taking Ruth with them, they stopped at the general store to get some ice picks and fishing tackle, and headed for the lake.



Leaving Ruth on shore, they started chopping away at the ice. Some time later, Festus sent Louie back to the store to buy some more ice picks. A couple hours later, Louie returned to buy some more.



"How is Festus doing out there?" asked the clerk. "Not too good," answered Louie. "He hasn't even got the boat in the water yet."

[Vince53]

Matt had the day off on a cold winter day, so he walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when Festus rode up on Ruth, went out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from Matt and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and Festus pulled in the fish.

Matt couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the deputy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the marshal couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to Festus and said, "Festus, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

Festus responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" Matt asked.

Again Festus responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the marshal, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, Festus spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"