I Love the USMC Jokes - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

Vince53 · 12-29-2010, 06:43 PM

Tired of jokes making fun of one of the finest organizations in history? (Okay, I've told jokes making fun of the Marines, too).

This thread is for jokes from people who admire the Marine Corps.

Vince53 · 12-29-2010, 06:44 PM

Why do Marines make lousy football players?

Football players protect the quarterback. Marines protect the free world.

Vince53 · 12-30-2010, 05:00 PM

What is the single most dangerous object in the world?

A Marine and his rifle.

Vince53 · 12-31-2010, 10:34 AM

What does a Marine feel when he kills a terrorist?

Recoil

Vince53 · 01-01-2011, 10:39 AM

What's the difference between a Marine flame thrower and all other flame throwers?

A Marine flame thrower has a place to attach a bayonet.

Vince53 · 01-02-2011, 09:41 AM

http://0.tqn.com/d/politicalhumor/1/.../palin-gun.jpg

Vince53 · 01-03-2011, 10:55 AM

A writer decided to write a book about famous churches and chapels around the military.

He bought a plane ticket to Fort Jackson, SC, thinking he would start by working his way across the USA. On his first day he was inside the base chapel taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall above a sign that read "$10,000 per call."

The man, being intrigued, asked a soldier who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The soldier replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to Heaven. The man thanked him and went on his way.

Next, he stopped at Andrews Air Force Base in Washington, DC. There, at a very large chapel, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He asked a nearby airman what this phone's purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to Heaven. "Okay, thank you," said the man, and left.

He then traveled to Ft. Hood, TX, Wright Patterson AFB, OH, the Naval Academy in Annapolis, MD, and Naval Air Station Oceana, VA. In every chapel he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it!

He decided to travel to a Marine base to see if he would find the same phone. He arrived aboard Camp Lejeune, NC, and while waiting to visit the base chapel, he was invited into the chowhall. There was the same golden telephone. This time, however, the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The man was surprised.

Just then, a gunnery sergeant walked in and he asked about the sign. "Gunny, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many chapels on many different military installations. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the Army, the Air Force, and even the Navy, the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The gunny smiled and answered, "You're on a Marine base now, sir, it's a local call."

Vince53 · 01-04-2011, 09:58 AM

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.

But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.

The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allow him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?"

The Marines reply, "You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breathe the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine."

The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three "police actions."

Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps.

The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"

The Base Commander gives him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.

The Commander gives him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the Commander says, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine.

Vince53 · 01-05-2011, 10:43 AM

http://www.grunt.com/images-stories/toons/cartoon20.jpg

Vince53 · 01-06-2011, 10:19 AM

Re: United States Marine Corp Jokes

Folks, you won't understand this joke without knowing the background story. In 2,000 years of Japanese history, no foreign conqueror had ever raised their flag on Japanese soil. On February 23, 1945, that ancient tradition came to an end when the United States Marines raised their country's flag on Iwo Jima, an isolated island that is actually part of Japan.

The first flag was too small, and the Marines brought up a larger flag to replace it. Civilian photographer Joe Rosenthal didn't have time to get into a good position for the second flag-raising, and then someone shoved him out of the way. Unable to get his camera into place, he snapped the most famous photograph in history, without being able to look through his viewfinder.

http://www.athousandandone.com/photo...e43a5088_s.jpg

And now, the joke:

Why wasn't Joe Rosenthal able to take the picture the way he wanted to?

Because when God takes a photograph, He doesn't need any help.

Vince53 · 01-10-2011, 10:25 PM

The following Marine story MIGHT be true:

A harried Marine private was hurrying someplace to get something done, and he failed to salute a second lieutenant. The Lieutenant stopped the private and ordered him to salute the lieutenant 100 times.

General Chester Puller, still beloved by all Marines everywhere, walked up and asked the lieutenant for an explanation, then gravely nodded for the punishment to continue. When the private was finished, Puller reminded the lieutenant that regulations require an officer to return an enlisted man's salute and that the lieutenant had not followed regulations.

Puller then made the lieutenant salute the private 100 times.

12-29-2010, 06:43 PM	#1
Vince53 Member Frequent Poster Join Date: Dec 26, 2010 Location: Chapala, Mexico Posts: 492	I Love the USMC Jokes Tired of jokes making fun of one of the finest organizations in history? (Okay, I've told jokes making fun of the Marines, too). This thread is for jokes from people who admire the Marine Corps.

12-29-2010, 06:44 PM	#2
Vince53 Member Frequent Poster Join Date: Dec 26, 2010 Location: Chapala, Mexico Posts: 492	Why do Marines make lousy football players? Football players protect the quarterback. Marines protect the free world.

12-30-2010, 05:00 PM	#3
Vince53 Member Frequent Poster Join Date: Dec 26, 2010 Location: Chapala, Mexico Posts: 492	What is the single most dangerous object in the world? A Marine and his rifle.

12-31-2010, 10:34 AM	#4
Vince53 Member Frequent Poster Join Date: Dec 26, 2010 Location: Chapala, Mexico Posts: 492	What does a Marine feel when he kills a terrorist? Recoil

01-01-2011, 10:39 AM	#5
Vince53 Member Frequent Poster Join Date: Dec 26, 2010 Location: Chapala, Mexico Posts: 492	What's the difference between a Marine flame thrower and all other flame throwers? A Marine flame thrower has a place to attach a bayonet.

01-02-2011, 09:41 AM	#6
Vince53 Member Frequent Poster Join Date: Dec 26, 2010 Location: Chapala, Mexico Posts: 492	http://0.tqn.com/d/politicalhumor/1/.../palin-gun.jpg

01-03-2011, 10:55 AM	#7
Vince53 Member Frequent Poster Join Date: Dec 26, 2010 Location: Chapala, Mexico Posts: 492	A writer decided to write a book about famous churches and chapels around the military. He bought a plane ticket to Fort Jackson, SC, thinking he would start by working his way across the USA. On his first day he was inside the base chapel taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall above a sign that read "$10,000 per call." The man, being intrigued, asked a soldier who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The soldier replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to Heaven. The man thanked him and went on his way. Next, he stopped at Andrews Air Force Base in Washington, DC. There, at a very large chapel, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He asked a nearby airman what this phone's purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to Heaven. "Okay, thank you," said the man, and left. He then traveled to Ft. Hood, TX, Wright Patterson AFB, OH, the Naval Academy in Annapolis, MD, and Naval Air Station Oceana, VA. In every chapel he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it! He decided to travel to a Marine base to see if he would find the same phone. He arrived aboard Camp Lejeune, NC, and while waiting to visit the base chapel, he was invited into the chowhall. There was the same golden telephone. This time, however, the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The man was surprised. Just then, a gunnery sergeant walked in and he asked about the sign. "Gunny, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many chapels on many different military installations. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the Army, the Air Force, and even the Navy, the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The gunny smiled and answered, "You're on a Marine base now, sir, it's a local call."

01-04-2011, 09:58 AM	#8
Vince53 Member Frequent Poster Join Date: Dec 26, 2010 Location: Chapala, Mexico Posts: 492	A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters. But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound. The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allow him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?" The Marines reply, "You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breathe the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine." The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three "police actions." Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps. The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The Base Commander gives him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The Commander gives him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst... Finally, the Commander says, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine.

01-05-2011, 10:43 AM	#9
Vince53 Member Frequent Poster Join Date: Dec 26, 2010 Location: Chapala, Mexico Posts: 492	http://www.grunt.com/images-stories/toons/cartoon20.jpg

01-06-2011, 10:19 AM	#10
Vince53 Member Frequent Poster Join Date: Dec 26, 2010 Location: Chapala, Mexico Posts: 492	Re: United States Marine Corp Jokes Folks, you won't understand this joke without knowing the background story. In 2,000 years of Japanese history, no foreign conqueror had ever raised their flag on Japanese soil. On February 23, 1945, that ancient tradition came to an end when the United States Marines raised their country's flag on Iwo Jima, an isolated island that is actually part of Japan. The first flag was too small, and the Marines brought up a larger flag to replace it. Civilian photographer Joe Rosenthal didn't have time to get into a good position for the second flag-raising, and then someone shoved him out of the way. Unable to get his camera into place, he snapped the most famous photograph in history, without being able to look through his viewfinder. http://www.athousandandone.com/photo...e43a5088_s.jpg And now, the joke: Why wasn't Joe Rosenthal able to take the picture the way he wanted to? Because when God takes a photograph, He doesn't need any help.

01-10-2011, 10:25 PM	#11
Vince53 Member Frequent Poster Join Date: Dec 26, 2010 Location: Chapala, Mexico Posts: 492	The following Marine story MIGHT be true: A harried Marine private was hurrying someplace to get something done, and he failed to salute a second lieutenant. The Lieutenant stopped the private and ordered him to salute the lieutenant 100 times. General Chester Puller, still beloved by all Marines everywhere, walked up and asked the lieutenant for an explanation, then gravely nodded for the punishment to continue. When the private was finished, Puller reminded the lieutenant that regulations require an officer to return an enlisted man's salute and that the lieutenant had not followed regulations. Puller then made the lieutenant salute the private 100 times.