TIME: "The Top 10 Ridiculous Country Songs"

[JamesG]

Top 10 Ridiculous Country Songs
Nov. 10, 2010


The Country Music Association Awards are tonight. And while honors will be given out to the best that Nashville has to offer, it's safe to say the genre has often missed the mark.

TIME takes a look at country music's most absurd tunes (many of which, oddly, involve alcohol)






1. "I'm Still a Guy" by Brad Paisley








From the artist who brought the world the line, "I'd like to check you for ticks," a song like "I'm Still a Guy" really shouldn't surprise. But in "I'm Still a Guy" Brad Paisley is the worst kind of dude.

The kind that will throw a macho-guy-pride fit if you ask him to hold your purse when your hands are full. The kind, apparently, that always thinks "drunk naked girl" when he looks at art.


No, Paisley will not be "feminized." You won't find him getting a facial or plucking his eyebrows (what he calls getting "neutered"). He wants you to know that he still "has a pair" and he'll let you know by feeling you up when all you really want is a back rub after a long day of work.













2. "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" by Trace Adkins








Q: What is a badonkadonk?
A: It's what you call a woman's behind when you want to abandon any shred of country-music dignity you may have so you can write a radio-friendly pop hit.



"Honky Tonk Badonkadonk," a too-popular-for-its-own-good ditty by Trace Adkins, is country music's version of "Baby Got Back." It's a heartwarming, romantic ode to the butt.

The origins of the song reportedly come from the sighting of shapely buttocks at a club, which inspired the song's writers, who hammered out the tune within an hour. Which really explains a lot.



The music video features women in short shorts hitting Adkins in the face with their rear ends, which, in a way, is poetic justice.













3. "Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through the Goalposts of Life)" by Bobby Bare








We mean no disrespect to the great Bobby Bare, but his 1976 inspirational song "Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through the Goal Posts of Life)" sounds like a writing assignment by an eighth-grader who has just learned about metaphors.

And yet, it was nominated for a Grammy in 1977.


Bobby Bare also had a song called "Drunk and Crazy," so maybe he needs a swift kick in the ... well, you know.













4. "Online" by Brad Paisley








In "Online," Brad Paisley sings about the classic loser who lives with his mom, drives a clunker and has never been to second base. But when he goes online (to MySpace, of all places) he becomes a new man.

Online, he's 6 ft. 3in., lives in Hollywood, drives a Maserati, is a black belt in karate and shows off his six-pack abs in GQ and Calvin Klein ads. As Brad sings, "Yeah, I'm cooler online."




The problem is the things that make this guy a "loser" — playing the tuba and liking sci-fi — aren't bad at all. What makes him a loser is pretending to be someone online that he's not. It makes us think of a 40-year-old creep sitting at home, chatting online with 18-year-olds. Shudder.

But while the song may be bad, the video, starring Jason Alexander (who also directed), William Shatner, Estelle Harris and Maureen McCormick, is kind of awesome.













5. "I Wanna Talk About Me" by Toby Keith








"I Wanna Talk About Me" is a male-liberation anthem. Or something like that.

It features Toby Keith as a man who's simply fed up by his all-too-talkative girlfriend. So he sings a song about it to further the stereotype that all women are gabby.



But don't hate on Toby too much — he just wants to talk about "No. 1, oh my me my!" (That means himself, by the way.)

In the video, Toby and his fellow oppressed men go on a foot-stomping, we-wear-the-pants parade, culminating in the bridge's triumphant verse: "You, you, you, you, you ... you, you, you. I wanna talk about me!"

We'd rather you don't.











6. "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off" by Joe Nichols








This 2005 hit ditty provided an anthem for all those partial to the act of disrobing under the influence. That is, under the influence of a particular agave-based spirit.

As Joe Nichols sings it, champagne, rum and vodka just don't have the same effect.



This wasn't the first time Nichols had demonstrated his perceptiveness concerning the alcohol-female relationship before, having previously observed that "She Only Smokes When She Drinks" in an older song.

But the video to this song comes with a disturbing twist ... It's a song about Grandma?













7. "Billy's Got His Beer Goggles On" by Neal McCoy









The video for this song stars Rob Schneider.

Normally, our explanation would end there. But, this somewhat amusing song probably deserves a bit more consideration before being dismissed.



So we'll say this, Neal McCoy:

Your song manages to achieve some sort of universality. Who hasn't wanted to get ripped after getting dumped? We're not saying we've been in this exact same situation, but, then again, we're not saying we haven't.



Still, why does this by-the-numbers tune only feel like it might be best appreciated with beer goggles on? Or rather, beer headphones (beerphones?).













8. "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" by Kenny Chesney








Kenny Chesney's 1999 song about alluring farm equipment contains lyrics that read like a bad romance novel.

An unnamed woman sees him "plowing these fields in the hot summer sun," so he makes "a little room and she climbs on up" and they "ride back and forth 'til we run out of light."

Basically, this is the country version of This Is Spinal Tap's "Sex Farm."













9. "Pretty Good at Drinkin' Beer" by Billy Currington








"Pretty Good at Drinkin' Beer" is a song about a guy who is ... pretty good at drinking beer. And only drinking beer.

It's a track on Enjoy Yourself, Billy Currington's latest album, which, according to the singer's website, "is more than songs about dogs and beer."

But "Pretty Good" is a No. 1 hit, appealing, no doubt, to all the women who've been waiting for the type of man it celebrates.













10. "Beer Run" by Todd Snider








Todd Snider's tongue-in-cheek anthem for frat boys in "baseball caps and khaki pants" manages to make a failed attempt to buy beer with a fake ID sound like fun.

Is it wrong to like this song? We sure hope not. Just try to sing the chorus without a Southern accent.

http://www.time.com/time/specials/pa...030466,00.html