Thursday's Quotes & Ralph Kramden, a NY Yankee fan? (Part 1)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Yankees beat the Minnesota Twins 6-4.)

(The girls are waiting for the boys to come home.)

Alice: "It's 1am. Where are are two boys?"

Trixie: "I hope that they are not getting wasted because the Yankees beat the Twins."

Alice: "And I hope that they are not going to come up here singing loudly and off-key."

Ralph & Ed (from the hallway, singing loudly & off-key): "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS! MY FRIEND! WE'LL KEEP ON BEATING THOSE TWINS UNTIL THE ENNNNND...."

(Ralph & Ed come home. The audience applauds.)

Alice: "Boy, I wish you two would have some more common sense to come on in here at 1am and singing at the top of your lungs."

Ralph: "Alice, tonight I can feel it. The Yankees are going to repeat as champions. We had to come in here like that just to silence that loudmouth Garrity. Garrity is anti-New York sports. I am going to rub it in his face like I only can."

Alice: "Oh, Ralph."

Ed: "Hey, those Twins fans must be feeling bad again. In their new stadium nontheless."

Ralph: "Yes, the baseball playoffs in October are becoming a rite of passage in New York. In fifteen of the last sixteen years, a NY team has made the playoffs."

Ed: "I am still picking the Twins in four."

Ralph (yells): "WHAT?"

Ed: "The Twins are a rough team. They are likely to beat the Yankees."

Ralph: "You are predicting that the Twins will win?" (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEET OUT!"

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "What a traitor."

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY."

(Audience cheers some more.)

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once where they said 50% of the pain is mental. 50% of that toothache is here (in the mouth). The other 50% is here (head)."

Ralph: "For your information, 100% of it is in here (mouth). There is nothing up there (head)."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah, about 300 lbs. of it."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The boys come home.)

Ralph: "Shh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What?"

Ralph: "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shh! Alice is asleep.'"

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But, just because you are a Raccoon doens't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Peacemaker":

Ralph: "You know that when I lay down on that bed, it takes me an hour to get to sleep."

Alice: "Remarkable. Every night for fifty-nine minutes, you snore before you go to sleep."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat. Ralph wants to take a bath.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20 minutes while you were in there playing with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise!"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph and Mrs. Paterson think that Ed loves Alice but the feeling isn't matual.)

Mrs. Paterson: "Why don't you give your wife the benefit of a doubt?"

Ralph: "All right, maybe they don't love each other but if they do, they are going to have a lot of fun on the moon."

"Ship Of Fools":

(The photographer feels Alice's leg.)

Ralph (yells): "HEY! HEY! HEY!"

Alice: "All he wants is a little chesse cake."

Ralph: "Why doesn't he go to a deli then?"