Tuesday's Quotes & the Kramdens & Nortons return home from their western trip:

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Kramdens & Nortons arrive home. They stop at the front door of the apartment building.)

Trixie: "Oh, what a trip we had."

Ralph: "Yeah, that trip was the good one."

Ed: "Hey Ralph-ie, I can't wait until I tell the sewer people that I told our Grand Canyone guide that I work in the sewer and I wanted to see where that water flowed. The expression on his face was priceless."

Ralph: "Uh, yeah. Well, went to Phoenix, the Grand Canyon, Bryce Canyon & Las Vegas. I loved it Alice when you were so scared of being on that horse. You should have seen her face Ed. The face that says: 'I am scared to death of being on this horse.' I thought I would die laughing."

Alice: "You were laughing? You fainted after being on that horse for three seconds."

(Ed laughs.)

Ed: "I am surprised that the horse was strong enough to lift Ralph."

Ralph: "SHUT UP! To be fair, we were riding alongside Bryce Canyon and I was thinking of Christopher Reeve. The guy who played Superman in the Superman movies."

Alice: "I loved Las Vegas too."

Ralph: "Yeah, those showgirls were great."

Ed: "Great? Va-va-va-va-voom! I talked to few of those showgirls. They looked like the June Taylor Dancers. I think that they liked the fact that I am a sewerworker. I also loved that fountain show. I loved to see where that water flows."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph: "I would have loved Las Vegas more. You should have seen me Alice. Remember when I won a million dollars only to have your mistake cost me the money. You should have stopped me when I won the million dollars at the slot machine."

Alice: "Oh...yeah."

Ralph: "Well, we had a memorable trip."

(They all sing a song about having a memorable trip.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. Las Vegas has nothing on you guys. The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(Audience cheers.)

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "Why should I cut down on my bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight."

Alice: "You don't need something to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph looks at the burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Your husband certainly is a trea-sure."

(Rita leaves.)

Alice: "A trea-sure? If he keeps this up much longer, he will be a buried trea-sure."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ralph: "Today, I'm fired. Tomorrow, I'm forgotten. They probably won't even know what I look like."

Ed: "That is okay. You og down there tomorrow and apply for another job."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ralph: "While I am gone, try not to give away the furniture."

Alice: "I tried, but they wouldn't accept it."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "We are living just like the Indians did."

Ralph: "If the Indians had to live like this, no wonder they are the vanishing race."

"The Mod Couple" (aka "Honeymooners In England"):

Trixie: "I don't think I am the maid type."

Ed: "She's right Ralph. Do you think you can cast her as an English Bulldog?"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "How do you like your new place Triixe?"

Trixie: "That is a very dangerous question to ask me when I have a hammer in my hand."

"Flushing Ho":

Ed: "Hey Ralph, I dropped the soap somewhere in the bathroom. You will have to find it."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "WHAT?"

Ed (yells): "I SAID..."

Ralph (from bathroom, yells): "I CAN'T HEAR YOU. TALK TO ME LATER." (slipping on soap, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"