Night Train script

[ph1l]

I see season 2 didn't miss out on a sub 20 minute episode. I've never seen an episode with the entire tag missing...until now. The text in red is missing in the US dvd release.

Alf: Hey, Kate, guess what I am?
Kate: Is it something that begins with "couch", and ends with "potato"?
Alf: Cheap shot, Kate-man-du. I'm a type "T" personality.
Kate: Okay Alf, what is a type "T" personality?
Alf: According to this article, a type "T" is a thrill-seeker. Someone who looks for danger, who laughs in the face of death. Ha-Ha-Ha.
Kate: This from the same person who watched the movie "Aliens" from under the couch?
Alf: Hey, I thought I owed one of those guys money.
Brian: Am I a type "T"?
Alf: Well, do you enjoy hang gliding off cliffs into rock-filled gorges?
Brian: I don't know.
Alf: Well let's find out. What do you say we jump off the roof. You land feet-first, you're a wimp.
Brian: I'll go get the ladder.
Kate: No one is jumping off the roof.
Alf: Hey Kate, let me know when you let your son act like a man. Ah! Paper cut! Paper cut!

Opening titles

Alf: How was work today, honey?
Willie: What are you doing in my bed?
Alf: Your bed? It happens to be half Kate's.
Willie: Did Kate say you could lie there?
Alf: Does that sound like something Kate would say?
Willie: Get out of my bed.
Alf: Now that sounds like Kate.
Lynne: Alf, did you take my pillow?
Alf: Yeah, it's under my tushie.
Lynne: Keep it.
Alf: Don't go. I'm depressed, and Willie's kicking me out of bed.
Willie: I'm sorry. I didn't know you were depressed. What's wrong?
Alf: I was looking through my photos, seeing all the adventures I used to have. Here, that's me climbing Mt. Floppy on the planet Griphard.
Willie: Climbing? That mountain looks flat.
Alf: It is flat! It's the planet that's tilted!
Willie: The planet is tilted. That's amazing!
Alf: Try playing golf there sometime. You're lucky if you shoot in the low six hundreds.
Lynne: What are you doing in this barrel?
Alf: There I was getting ready to go up Widow-Maker falls.
Willie: You went up a waterfall?
Alf: Yeah. And the ride was so rough, I almost threw down.
Lynne: You really did have an exciting life.
Alf: "Did" is the operative word. Those days are over, ma chérie.
Willie: Well you had a pretty exciting day yesterday.
Alf: How do you figure that?
Willie: You built that big bonfire in our back yard.
Lynne: And you got to see the fire engines again.
Alf: Well that gets old. Right, Willie?
Willie: No, I get a lump in my throat every single time.
Alf: Look who I'm talking to about excitement.
Willie: Now look here, I'm not going to be put down by some guy who climbed a flat mountain. I know my life may appear a bit routine at times, but I've had my share of adventure.
I've lived "on the edge."
Lynne: That's right! When I was born, mom and dad lived on the edge of Bakersfield.
Willie: Now you listen to me, young lady. There's plenty about me that you don't know.
Lynne: Like what?
Willie: Well nothing you really need to know about right now.
Alf: Does it have anything to do with you wearing Kate's red pumps?
Willie: No. Why would you...why would you say something like that?
Alf: I'm an instigator.
Lynne: Dad, tell us what you did.
Willie: No.
Lynne: Oh please. I really want to know.
Willie: Well, uh, when I was 17, I hopped a freight train. I took it right straight 'cross the whole country.
Lynne: You're kidding! What did you do for money?
Willie: I did odd jobs. I washed dishes. I played the piano in a honky-tonk place in Texas.
Lynne: Does mom know about all this?
Willie: Oh yeah sure, but she doesn't like me to talk about it. She doesn't want you and Brian getting any ideas.
Alf: How come?
Willie: Well, she doesn't want them hopping trains.
Alf: How come?
Willie: Well, it's not something you want your children to do.
Alf: How come?
Willie: I don't know. It's just Kate laying down these arbitrary rules.
Alf: Well, that's Kate for you.

Scene: The Tanner garage. Alf is playing with the toy train as Willie walks in.

Alf: Hey Willie? Is this the kind of train you used to hop?
Willie: Well, the others were bigger, of course, and they didn't run around in circles. But basically, Yeah.
Alf: How'd you do it?
Willie: Well, here's what I'd do, you see. I'd case the yard, I'd hide in a bush and wait until dark and when I saw my train was pulling out, I'd just go make a run for it.
Alf: Wow. Well did it ever get so dark, you jumped on the wrong thing? Like a bus or parade?
Willie: Ask sensible questions, Alf.
Alf: Okay. Which one is the kitchen car?
Willie: There wasn't any kitchen car. I sat in a box car. I ate beans out of a can. That's how I got my traveling name.
Alf: Bean head?
Willie: "Boxcar Willie."
Alf: Wow. What a cool name! Hey can I have your autograph?
Willie: No, no.
Alf: Come on, come on.
Willie: Well, I guess.
Kate: Willie, are you sure you don't want to go to my mother's with us?
Willie: Yeah. Positive.
Brian: If dad doesn't have to go, why do I?
Kate: Because you're my son, and I can tell you what to do.
Brian: Well, there you have it.
Kate: What's this?
Willie: Oh, it's my autograph. Alf wanted it.
Alf: It's for a friend.
Kate: Well we'll be back in a couple hours. Now don't get into any trouble.
Alf: Don't worry about Willie. I'll keep an eye on him.
Kate: I was talking to you.
Alf: I know. I was being playful.
Willie: Bye bye.
Kate: Bye.
Alf: Now's our chance. Let's go down to the train yard.
Willie: No, we're not hopping any train.
Alf: I'm not talking about riding the rails. I just want to see them. Please, Willie. Pleeeease?
Willie: No, we can't. Really Alf, we can't.
Alf: All right, tell me when this gets annoying. Yeah, yeah, you hopped a freight train, sure. Oh right. Yeah, yeah. I almost believed that. Uh huh, yeah, yeah. Look at Mr. Excitement.
Willie: Forget it, Alf. It's not working.
Alf: Okay, I'll try something else. Willie, please take me to see the trains. I haven't had an adventure in a long time. All right, maybe this will work. Willie, I'm dying. (Cough, cough) I've only got twenty four hours to live. Twenty five, tops.
Willie: Okay, come on.
Alf: You bought that?
Willie: I bought the second thing you said.
Alf: Oh. Well what was it? I might want to use it again sometime.
Willie: Come on. Bring a sweater.
Alf: Okay.

Scene: The train yard.

Willie: Boy, there's nothing like a train yard at night
Alf: Yeah, it is peaceful. (A train whistle blows) Aaaah! What's that thing?
Willie: That's the train.
Alf: It makes the one you have look like a toy.
Willie: That's really something, isn't it? You know that engine alone weighs over seventy-five tons? Do you know what would happen if I put a penny on that track?
Alf: The train would de-rail and all the bums would spill their beans.
Willie: The penny would be flat.
Alf: Willie, pennies are already flat.
Yard Guard: Hey, who's out there?
Willie: Uh oh, that's the guard.
Alf: You mean that guy with the seeing-eye dog? Huh, big deal!
Willie: That's no seeing-eye dog. That's a doberman pincher.
Alf: Yikes! Don't let him pinch me!
Willie: Alf!

Scene: Alf is sitting in a boxcar near the doorway.

Yard Guard: Hey, get away from that train!
Willie: Alf, jump.
Alf: Run, boxcar, run! (Willie jumps into the boxcar) All aboard. Hey, I always wanted to say that.
Willie: Well you got your wish!
Alf: And you got yours, too. We're riding the rails, Willie. Ain't it grand!
Willie: No, it ain't! Now the train's going too fast. We can't get off.
Alf: You're acting like this is all my fault.
Willie: Well, isn't it?
Alf: I was hoping we could share. (singing) Good morning America how are ya? Don't you know me? I'm your native son. What's the next line?
Willie: Just be quiet.
Alf: Really? I'm surprised that song was such a big hit. (singing) Just be quiet, just be quiet, just be quiet. La la la la la la…

Commercial break

Alf: Who do you think's on "Letterman" tonight? Probably Teri Garr. Maybe hopping the train was a bad idea.
Willie: Maybe? May-be? Whatever possessed you to do such a thing?
Alf: I'm not sure. Is impetuosity a word?
Willie: Yes it is.
Alf: Then I did it because I'm impetuosity. I couldn't help myself. You made riding the rails sound so exciting.
Willie: Well, as long as we're here, we might as well enjoy ourselves. Huh?
Alf: Yeah, that's the spirit. Come on, let's crack open a can of beans.
Willie: What beans. We've got no beans.
Alf: This trip was totally misrepresented.
Willie: Look, let's just look out the door, and watch the world go by.
Alf: It's dark out.
Willie: Let's just stare at the darkness.
Alf: Stare at the darkness? What, are you a beatnik?
Willie: This was your idea to ride the rails. Don't you think the least you could do is try to make the most of it?
Alf: All right, all right! I'll stare.
Gus: Litchfield? Flatcar? Is that you?
Alf: Willie! Willie, it's a hobo. Hide me!
Willie: Er, no, I'm sorry. We're not Litchfield and Flatcar.
Gus: Don't be sorry. They got no teeth. Where's your buddy?
Willie: Well, he's there. Just there behind the crates. He's shy, he's terribly shy around strangers.
Gus: Strangers? Hey I'm no stranger. You're the stranger. I know everybody who rides the Rock Island line.
Willie: Mighty good line.
Gus: What?
Willie: Never mind. Nothing. I, noth…
Gus: You're a funny guy. Gravel Gus.
Willie: Willie Tanner. How do you do? Say, Gravel Gus, I guess you got your name because of your voice there. Right?
Gus: No. Because the first six times I tried to hop a freight, I landed face down in the gravel.
Willie: Oh-oo-ooo.
Gus: It could be worse. Ask "Cesspool Steve."
Willie: Oh, double ooo.
Gus: How long you been riding?
Willie: Ah, since I was about seventeen. Of course I took a break there for thirty years.
Gus: Thirty years. That's how long I've been riding. I used to work on Madison Avenue. Then one day I decided to chuck the ad game. Here I am.
Willie: That's a fascinating story.
Gus: Yeah. Too bad it's not true. Actually, I've always been a bum.
Willie: Well there's dignity in that.
Gus: Not the way I done it. Hey, you guys want some beans?
Alf: I do! I do!
Gus: Aaaaah! A loose kangaroo! (screams and leaps from the boxcar)
Alf: Hey, is he all right?
Willie: Well, he fell face down in a pile of gravel.
Alf: Well this is a fine how-do-you-do. No matter what happens, I get no beans.
Willie: You know, I'm really getting tired of you whining.
Alf: I'm getting tired of whining. So there! I guess I won't mention how cold it is.
Willie: Thank you.
Alf: Is it okay if I put my foot under your armpit?
Willie: No it's not.
Alf: Aren't you cold?
Willie: Yes, I am.
Alf: Wouldn't you like to wrap your armpit around my nice warm foot?
Willie: Look Alf, if we don't think about the cold, it's not going to be so bad.
Alf: Fine. Live in a fantasy world.
(The train lurches)
Willie: Whoa!
Alf: Ow! Oo! Willie, I bumped my head.
Willie: Oh, here, let me see.
Alf: Ow, you're hurting me!
Willie: Do you know? For someone who's traveled all the way across this universe and had all kinds of adventure, climbed a flat mountain, you are an incredible baby.
Alf: I never climbed Mt. Floppy.
Willie: What are you talking about? I saw you in the picture.
Alf: It was taken at a carnival. I stuck my head through a cardboard cutout. It cost me a wernick.
Willie: A wernick?
Alf: Yeah. That's ten dollars on Melmac.
Willie: Well, what about, what about that picture of you in that barrel?
Alf: I paid a matter for it.
Willie: What's a matter?
Alf: Well for one thing, I've got this bump on my head. Ha-Ha-Ha! That's a good one, huh?
Willie: This was back when you were dating Rhonda?
Alf: Yeah, but there was no such thing as dating on Melmac. If you liked a girl, you took her to dinner and a movie.
Willie: Just sounds remarkably like dating.
Alf: We called it "taking a girl to dinner and a movie." Just like there were no telephones. They were called "those plastic things on the counter that ring."
Willie: Of course. It's just as plain as this breathing apparatus on my face.
Alf: That's your nose, Willie. Why must you needlessly complicate everything?
Willie: Please continue.
Alf: Well, I just started going out with Rhonda, when my planet blew up. Unlucky in love. Unlucky in armageddon.
Willie: I'm sorry, Alf.
Alf: Hey, at least I don't worry anymore. When my planet blew up, I realised one thing. You have to live every moment to the fullest. Oh look Willie, that's where Melmac used to be.
Willie: Where?
Alf: That spot up there where it looks like there should be a planet.
Willie: Oh look Alf, it's a shooting star. Make a wish.
Alf: Okay.
Willie: Well, what did you wish?
Alf: I wished I had my planet back.
Willie: Oh, Alf. (short harmonica solo) Look, cheer up, Alf, because at least you know your friends are still out there. Maybe you'll meet up someday. Maybe you and Rhonda will get together. Maybe you'll get married.
Alf: Yeah. Hey I'm still young. If I'm not married by the time I hit the big four-oh-oh, then I'll panic. Maybe I'll marry Lynne.
Willie: What?
Alf: I'm kidding. Cool down.
Willie: Okay, I'm cool, I'm cool. You are kidding about that?
Alf: Yes.
Willie: I'm cool.
Alf: I guess you always knew you were going to get married and settle down, huh?
Willie: Well actually, I didn't really ever think I really would.
Alf: No luck with the babes?
Willie: No, I had babes. I mean, I had girlfriends. I just, I didn't think I wanted to do the things my father did.
Alf: What was he like?
Willie: Well. You know, he was married, two kids, lived in the suburbs.
Alf: Wow. And you're his son. I'm sorry, Willie, go on.
Willie: I just, I wanted my life to be more exciting than his was. That's all. That's why I started...that's why I started riding the rails.
Alf: So what happened?
Willie: Well, I met a girl in Colorado. We were working in this restaurant. She was saving her money to go to California. She wanted to be an actress. And, I don't know, we started going out together and before I knew it, I fell in love.
Alf: Why I never knew Kate wanted to be an actress.
Willie: No. It wasn't Kate. It was Linda Evans. That's the truth.
Alf: Really? You dated her? Well, way to go, Willie. What happened?
Willie: Oh, I don't know. She set out to find the footlights and I set out to find the sky.
Alf: Boy, you showed her.
Willie: Well, it's just as well. I found the girl of my dreams. I found that girl. That one girl I wanted to spend the whole rest of my life with.
Alf: Joan Collins?
Willie: Kate!! Kate.
Alf: Yeah. Right, yeah. Well, you married the right girl. Linda's much too busy. She'd never be home in time to tuck me in.
Willie: I'm so glad you approve. Kate's made me a very happy man, you know.
Alf: Yeah, but you better face it, Willie, you did follow in your father's footsteps.
Willie: Yeah but I found out there's a lot of adventure out there in the suburbs. There is. Buying our house, having our first Christmas, seeing Lynne come out of the delivery room, hearing Brian say, "Dad." You know?
Alf: Hey. Hey. What about that pesky alien crashing through your roof?
Willie: That's certainly been an adventure.
Alf: Yeah, for me, too. Willie, do you ever wish I hadn't crashed through your roof?
Willie: Never.
Alf: Thanks...dad! Ha-Ha-Ha! Yeah.

Commercial break

Scene: Tanner kitchen. The phone rings.

Kate: Hello? Willie…Willie where are you? You're kidding? Honey, I'll be there as soon as I can. I'm glad I married you too.
Brian: Are dad and Alf all right?
Kate: They're in Barstow. They've been riding the rails.
Lynne: That's fantastic. (a withering look from Kate) I mean that's terrible. Bad dad. Bad Alf.
Kate: I'm going to pick them up.
Brian: What's riding the rails?
Kate: Ahh, it's something that your father did a long time ago and that you will never do.
Brian: Oh do you mean like dating Linda Evans.
Kate: Exactly.

Scene: A camp fire somewhere in Barstow.

Willie: Well, I found a mini-mart down the road. I called Kate. She said...she says she'll be here in a couple of hours.
Alf: A couple of hours? What are we going to do till then? (Willie pulls a can of beans and a couple of spoons from behind his back) Beans!! Hey way to go "Boxcar"
Willie: (He holds the can up in a salute) To Gus. You know, I had a lot of fun today Alf. Thanks.
Alf: My pleasure. We'll do this again sometime.
Willie: That's what you think.
Alf: (singing) Good morning America how are ya? Don't you know me? I'm your native son.
Willie: (singing) I'm the train they call the City of New Orleans.
Alf and Willie: And I'll be gone five hundred miles when the day is done.

End Titles