La Cucaracha script

[ph1l]

My favourite season 1 episode. I just had to compare the episodes and see what they decided had to go from the US dvd release. The missing footage is in red. This is also the only episode the local TV station didn't cut. What luck.

Alf: Hold it. I haven't had my dessert.
Lynne: Oh, gross. What is that?
Alf: It's a slimeball.
Kate: Alf!
Alf: I know what you're going to say. I shouldn't bring treats to the table unless I have enough for everyone. Well we're in luck.
Willie: No, we're not.
Alf: You're sure? There's a surprise in the centre.
Kate: Alf, where did you get those?
Alf: Melmac. I usually buy wild cherry, but all they had left was slug.
Lynne: Oh
Kate: Alf.
Brian: What's the surprise in the centre?
Alf: I'll give you a hint. In wild cherry, it was a cherry.
Willie: We'll pass.
Alf: Okay, more for me. You know, it's a lucky thing I found these when I was cleaning out my spaceship. A couple of more months and they would have gone bad.
Lynne: Oh, no!
Alf: Oh, they're not that stale.
Lynne: No, look, it's a roach!
Alf: Roach? Well, I think someone's been slacking off on her housekeeping.
Kate: It came from your bag.
Alf: Well, needless to say, that's the last time I shop at Ed's bakery.

Titles

Lynne: Where'd the roach go?
Willie: It ran under the bag.
Kate: Somebody step on it.
Brian: There it goes. Look, it has blue eyes.
Alf: Of course it does. It's a roach.
Lynne: Alf, roaches don't have blue eyes. They have...I don't know what they have.
Alf: Well on Melmac their eyes are blue. Haven't you ever heard the expression, "her eyes were as blue as a roach's"?
Kate: Would somebody just squash it!
Willie: Wait a minute, Kate. This thing came all the way from Melmac. It's a unique specimen.
Kate: We already have a unique specimen from Melmac.
Alf: You're comparing me to a cockroach?
Kate: I'm going to get the spray.
Alf: Answer me!
Brian: But, mom, wait. I want to take it to show and tell.
Kate: It will be just as interesting dead.
Lynne: Do you have to kill it? I mean, couldn't you just...I don't know, let it loose in the back yard?
Willie: No, no, here's what we should do. We should catch it. I'll build a little box. We'll put a piece of doughnut right in the middle. Then you guys make sure Alf doesn't get the doughnut before the roach does. Then I'll...(Kate sprays the roach with insecticide)
Lynne: Never mind the box.
Alf: You mentioned something about a doughnut?
Brian: Mom, you didn't have to kill it.
Kate: Roaches are filthy disgusting creatures that carry disease.
Alf: I thought we were talking about doughnuts?
Willie: There is no doughnut.
Brian: Can we give the roach a funeral?
Willie: We shouldn't bury it. We should keep it for study.
Alf: I'm just curious, what kind of doughnut would it have been?
Kate: Plain.
Alf: Plain? With all the choices they have now-a-days.
Willie: Can we forget about this doughnut.
Alf: Well you got me going.
Lynne: Alf, we are trying to figure out what to do with the roach.
Alf: Why? It's gone.
Willie: What?
Lynne: Look, it's not there anymore.
Kate: Where did it go?
Brian: Maybe you didn't spray it enough.
Kate: I used half a can.
Alf: I'll be right back.
Lynne: Where are you going?
Alf: I'm going to call a doughnut place that delivers.
Kate: Come on everybody. We are going to find that roach.
Willie: Kate, calm down.
Kate: Calm down? There is a space-roach loose in our house.
Lynne: Well maybe it went somewhere to die with dignity.
Alf: Psst. Willie.
Willie: Yeah, all right, Alf, you can order the doughnuts.
Alf: I already did. But that's not why I said, "psst."
Willie: Why did you say, "psst"?
Alf: Just come out here.
Willie: What is all this secrecy about?
Alf: I didn't want to upset Kate.
Willie: What is it that would upset Kate?
Alf: I believe a foot-long cockroach would upset Kate.(Alf points) Ol' blue eyes is back. (Alf screeches in alarm)
Kate: Come on, you guys. I told grandma we'd be at her place in 10 minutes.
Brian: Can the cockroach come with us?
Lynne: Brian, I think you're missing the point of this trip.
Kate: Let's get packed please, let's get in the car.
Lynne: Mom, why do we have to take so much? I mean we're coming back. We are coming back, aren't we?
Kate: Yes. When the cockroach is killed.
Brian: But it was killed before.
Kate: This time I want to see a body.
Alf: Good news.
Lynne: It's dead?
Alf: Well, let's just say, it's got 3 feet in the grave. The exterminator's on his way over.
Kate: We don't need an exterminator. We need Sigourney Weaver.
Willie: Kate, unpack your bags. Alf, cancel the exterminator. I've killed the roach.
Kate: Honey, that's wonderful!
Alf: Tell us how you killed the roach.
Brian: Yeah, how did you kill Rodney?
Willie: You named it...after my brother? I, I can't help but...
Kate: Willie. How did you kill the roach?
Willie: I used the spray.
Kate: Did you actually see the body?
Willie: I saw it hit the floor.
Kate: And then?
Willie: Then I came in here.
Kate: So, we're talking about an unconfirmed kill.
Willie: Technically.
Kate: Let's go, kids. Come on.
Willie: Wait, Kate. I emptied a whole can of spray on it. I tell you, it's dead. (a thump emanates from the bedroom) Call me when you get to your mother's.
Alf: Keep in touch, Willie. Let's go, Kate.
Willie: You're not going anywhere. That's your roach.
Alf: It was my roach when it was an inch long. Now it belongs to the world.
Willie: Stay right where you are. I'll call you when the exterminator leaves.
Kate: Good-bye, honey, be careful.
Brian: Bye, dad. Bye, Rodney.
Willie: Rodney...
Lynne: Bye, daddy. Listen, if it goes into my room, I don't want to know about it. Bye, Alf. (Alf waves.)
Alf: Listen, what's that exterminator plan to use on this thing?
Willie: I don't know...spray.
Alf: Hmmm.
Willie: Hmmm, what?
Alf: Well, maybe nothing, but...we started with a roach this big. Kate sprayed it. A minute later it was big enough to wear a sweater. Then you sprayed it again. Now, I hate to extrapolate...but...
Willie: Alf, what happened when you sprayed roaches on Melmac?
Alf: We didn't have spray on Melmac. Which, in retrospect, seems like a pretty good thing.
(thumping sounds from the bedroom)
Willie: What's it doing back there?
Alf: Anything it wants to.
(doorbell sounds)
Willie: You better hide in the kitchen.
Alf: Oh great. The one place roaches always go.
Willie: Would you rather hide back there?
Alf: If you need me, I'll be on top of the refrigerator.
Exterminator: Exterminator.
Willie: Oh, right.
Exterminator: Where are they?
Willie: In the bedroom. But, actually there aren't really all that many. Actually, there's just one.
Exterminator: One roach?
Willie: Just the one, yes.
Exterminator: Why, are you some kind of phobic?
Willie: Phobic? Yes.
Exterminator: All right, I'll go kill the roach.
Willie: Wait. Wait just a minute, please. You can't use that spray.
Exterminator: Why not?
Willie: Because who knows what effect it'll have on the roach.
Exterminator: Well, if history's any teacher, the general effect will be death.
Willie: Ideally, yes. But this is a special roach.
Exterminator: What is it? A pet?
Willie: Don't use the spray.
Exterminator: Fine. I won't.
Willie: I don't believe you. Give me the tank.
Exterminator: Want my shoes, too, so I don't step on it?
Willie: I was hoping you might be able to suggest some more scientific way to kill it.
Exterminator: Oh, I'm sorry. I left my heat-seeking missile in the car.
Willie: Oh now you're making fun of me.
Exterminator: Yes I am. I'll just take a magazine and whack it.
Willie: Wait, wait, take this instead. (Willie hands the exterminator a phone book)
Alf: Pssst. Did you warn him?
Willie: Yeah. But I don't think he believed me.
Exterminator: Ahhh! (This is inserted after the next line on the US dvd release.)
Alf: Maybe you better open the front door.(This line is inserted after the "psst" on the US dvd release)
Exterminator: Let me out of here! Ahhh!
Willie: I've got to see this for myself.
Alf: You want me to hold the door open? (Willie returns looking concerned) How big did it get?
Willie: Well, that depends. Do you measure at the shoulder or the head?

Commercial break

(Scene: The Tanner garage.)
Alf: Well, let's go, Willie. We're all packed and I started the car.
Willie: We're not running away from this roach.
Alf: You didn't hear me. I said, we're driving away from this roach.
Willie: No, I'm not giving up. I'm going to find something to kill it.
Alf: Well, may I suggest the national guard.
Willie: I'd prefer a method that would keep us off the 6 o'clock news.
Alf: All right, I'll see you later. "D" stands for drive, right?
Willie: Alf, look, panicking is not going to help anything.
Alf: Yeah, right. Let's just sit around and read.
Willie: This is not reading. This is research. I'm going to solve this problem with a calm, clinical approach.
Alf: That's exactly what those guys in Detroit said. Then one morning they woke up and found themselves infested with jaffees.
Willie: Jaffees?
Alf: Yeah. Bloodsucking maggots that take the shape of their host. (Alf imitates the sucking sound of a Jaffee)
Willie: Detroit? Michigan?
Alf: You amaze me. You think that's the only Detroit in the universe?
Willie: Where's the other one?
Alf: On Melmac. A lot of good R & B groups came out of there.
Willie: Thank you, Alf, thank you. If we could we stick to the problem. We're supposed to be finding a way to kill roaches.
Alf: I thought of one, but you didn't like it.
Willie: I don't have a harpoon.
Alf: Whose fault is that? I mean you can't expect me to take care of everything.
Willie: I think I may have discovered a less violent solution. Now, all these books say that the best way to kill roaches is with boric acid.
Alf: Oh yeah, that's what they used on the jaffees.
Willie: Well, did it work?
Alf: Let's put it this way. Detroit became known as Jaffeetown.
Willie: Maybe they didn't have the right concentration. Fortunately, I have access to all the latest scientific research.
Alf: "McCall's"?
Willie: They did an article on poison. Okay? (there's a knock at the door)
Trevor: Yo, Tanner. You in there?
Willie: Alf, under the counter.
Alf: It's crawling with spiders back there!
Willie: Go!
Alf: Well, can I at least take something to read? "Steve Allen's World of Bugs". Great, I've already read it. (Alf ducks down behind the counter.)
Trevor: Hi Tanner.
Willie: Hi Trevor.
Trevor: I saw the exterminator leave your house in such a hurry, he dropped his tank. Bugs?
Willie: Oh, yeah, we have a little cockroach problem.
Trevor: Ah, yeah, cockroaches. "blattella germanica", our little prehistoric friend. You know, cockroach fossils have been found that are over three hundred million years old.
Willie: That's nice, Trevor.
Trevor: I'll never forget the cockroach problem we had back in Korea. They were everywhere. You took a step, it was like walking on crackers.
Willie: Isn't that interesting?
Trevor: There's more.
Willie: I'm sorry. Please go on.
Trevor: We used to have to go to sleep with our boots on. Because you know the oriental ones? When they bite they secrete this weird saliva. Kind of like meat tenderiser.
Willie: (Alf raises his head in shock) No.
Trevor: Yes. You get enough of that in your system, forget it. They showed us a movie about it. David Niven was brilliant. Well, I'll see ya. Oh, by the way, I took the liberty of spraying around your house.
Willie: You, what?
Trevor: Yeah. I noticed the exterminator forgot to do it, so I dosed it up for you. Real good. No charge.
Willie: Oh, no! (Willie rushes from the garage)
Trevor: I said, no charge.

(Scene: The Tanner living room. Willie is watchfully making his way to the front door)
Alf: Where are you going?
Willie: I'm going to the drugstore. I'm going to buy all the boric acid they've got.
Alf: But you heard Trevor. What if you come back and I've been tenderised?
Willie: I won't be gone long. I'll only be gone 5 minutes.
Alf: Take me with you.
Willie: You know I can't.
Alf: Well, throw me in the trunk.
Willie: There's no air. You'd suffocate.
Alf: I'll wear scuba gear. That'll give me 30 minutes. Plus, if you drive off a bridge, I'll survive.
Willie: I haven't got time to argue.
Alf: All right, go! First, Kate and the kids, now you. I feel like the pretty little virgin.
Willie: The what?
Alf: You know, the apple cheeked maiden that the cowardly townspeople feed to the dragon. Don't you read fairy tales?
Willie: This is a discussion that we're going to postpone. I'm leaving now.
Alf: Fine. I'll just toddle off into the kitchen and sauté myself.
Willie: Oh, Alf. You know I wouldn't leave you if I had any other choice.
Alf: Then hug me.
Willie: What?
Alf: I want a hug.
Willie: Why?
Alf: Well, because we may never see each other again. And we've never taken the time to, you know, hug. (Alf and Willie hug) Now tell me you love me.
Willie: Oh, Alf.
Alf: All right, all right. Just hurry back, okay? And don't stop for anything. Except maybe some more doughnuts. (Willie leaves) Jelly! All right, I should take it easy. I mean, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Whoever said that must have had a lot of bodyguards. (the cockroach makes some skittering sounds) Be strong, be strong. (two huge feelers pass the kitchen serving window) Be afraid, be very afraid. Listen, you don't want to eat me. I'm pure gristle. My whole family has an aftertaste. If you can hold out, there's doughnuts on the way. (a crashing sound comes from the kitchen) Good idea, put some coffee on. (a feeler and leg appear through the kitchen door) Ahh, ahhhhhhhhh. (Alf runs into the bedroom closing the door behind him.) Oh, I should have guessed. It probably likes gristle. Now I feel like a tease. (Alf heads for the phone) Hello, operator? This is an emergency! Give me the fire department or the police or the paramedics. Somebody. I don't care, you decide. Hello? Fire department? Well, I need you to come out here. There's a giant cockroach trying to kill me! All right then. I'm a cat and I'm stuck in a tree. Whatever it takes. (the bedroom door crashes down.) Operator, make it the paramedics! Wah, ahhhhhhhhh. (Alf runs into the bathroom closing the door behind him) Whoever builds the doors on this planet ought to be horsewhipped. (the roach bashes on the door) Occupied! All right, the party's over. I've got a .357 and I know how to use it. (Alf studies the toilet) No one's ever told me where these things lead. Nah! (a leg begins to break through the door) Oh, you want to use the bathroom. Is that it? Hey, hey, I know the feeling. (the roach crashes through the door and approaches Alf) Aaahhhh! You're angry at the world. I understand that. You probably didn't get enough love as a larva. Uh, I've got an idea. We could sit down, talk, have a nice cold glass of boric acid. You know, we could deal with it. What do you think about that? (Alf picks up a drain plunger in defence) Ever see one of these, huh? Take that! (the end of the plunger disappears) I was only kidding. Joke, joke. Yeah. You know what? I've got the number of a good psychiatrist friend of mine. He deals with psychopathic ants and roaches! (Alf picks up a perfume bottle.) Here, take this! Now you'll smell good, too. (Alf sprays the roach)

(Scene: The Tanner living room)
Willie: Alf, Alf, are you okay?
Alf: Oh, hi, Willie. Did you get the doughnuts?
Willie: Alf, what did you do?
Alf: Nothing much. Watched a little TV. Killed a bug.
Willie: How did you kill it?
Alf: Cheap cologne.
Willie: That's perfume. I bought that for Kate on her last birthday.
Alf: You had roach problems then, too?
Willie: How did you know to use this?
Alf: Well, I analyzed the list of ingredients and based on what I know about the physiology of Melmacian cockroaches...
Willie: Alf.
Alf: I lucked out.
Willie: I can't believe you took this roach on all by yourself. You could have been killed.
Alf: When it comes to defending my home, I'm an animal. That's just the way I'm made.
Willie: Well, I want to, uh, I want to drag this outside before Kate gets back.
Alf: No, don't rough it up. Once they dry out, they get brittle.
Willie: What difference does that make?
Alf: Are you kidding? I plan to have that guy stuffed and mounted, A.S.A.P. I thought it would look good over the fireplace.
Willie: We're getting rid of it! (the telephone rings) Hello? Oh, hi Kate, I was about to call you. I've got some good news about the roach and some bad news about your birthday present.

Commercial break

Brian: Good night, Alf.
Alf: Hey Brian, how about a bedtime story?
Brian: I'm too tired to tell you one tonight.
Alf: No, I'll tell you one.
Brian: Oh, okay.
Alf: What do you want to hear, "Babar, the Elephant", "The Princess and the Pea" or... "Brave Alf and the Giant Cockroach"?
Brian: I'll go with the princess.
Alf: Fine, read it yourself. (Brian leaves with the book as Willie, Kate and Lynne enter) What did you do with the cockroach?
Kate: We found a dump that doesn't ask questions.
Lynne: Too bad they don't give a prize for the weirdest garbage.
Willie: Alf, did you check your spaceship to see if there were any more cockroaches?
Alf: Consider it roachless.
Kate: But you sprayed everything with perfume just in case?
Alf: Well, everything but my gym bag. I don't want to get funny looks if I ever go back to my health club.
Kate: What, what is this plant?
Lynne: Looks kind of like a Venus Flytrap.
Alf: It is. From Venus.
Kate: I want that out of this house. (Lynne starts poking it with a pencil)
Alf: Why? It's just a plant. It brightens up the room, gives off oxygen, it eats insects... (a crunching sound.)
Lynne: And pencils.
Kate: I'll get the perfume.
Lynne: I'll call and see if the dump is still open.
Willie: I'll take back the boric acid and get some defoliant.
Alf: You people are getting good at this.

End Titles.