Movie Stars That Made Crappy Children's Movies

[Brian Damage]

Arnold Schwarzenegger --- Jingle All the Way (1996)
He'd already tracked down Sarah Connor, the Predator and the truth about the Mars colony, so it seemed only natural that someone should make a movie in which action-man Arnie's entire challenge amounted to buying a Turbo Man toy as a Christmas present for his son (future Anakin Skywalker moppet Jake Lloyd). His competitor for the little piece of moulded plastic? Comedian Sinbad. Released in the yuletide season, it managed to make box-office cash registers jingle just enough for it to break even but critics and audiences who went along responded to it like a lump of coal in a stocking.

[Brian Damage]

Christopher Walken --- The Country Bears (2002)
When we think of the big-haired crazy man with the oddball vocal cadences, we flash to him haunted in The Deer Hunter and The Dead Zone or busting caps in True Romance and The King of New York. But while Walken has shown his softer side in numerous kids movies, his aura of menace comes with him. His Puss In Boots is ace for its displays of his dancing ability but the same can't be said for his other forays into critter cinema. At least Kangaroo Jack saw him playing a typical gangster role bit, but in The Country Bears he was called on to do the same schtick -- just opposite three actors in ursine outfits. You get the idea he did it solely for the below armpit music scene, which is high-grade Walken weirdness.

[Brian Damage]

Alec Baldwin --- Thomas and the Magic Railroad (2000)
Baldwin's a big guy who projects a brusque no-nonsense confidence, whether it's as an NBC chieftain on 30 Rock or in his formative screen tough guys in The Getaway and Glengarry Glen Ross. All of which makes it funnier to see him appear as a 12-inch tall fairy amid the talking trains of this terrible movie version of the popular tyke TV show. He's Mr. Conductor, who works the Magic Railroad between the human world of Shining Time and the talking-train universe of Sodor, and he has lost his gold dust -- meaning he can no longer sparkle between the two places! Try not to think of his "Always be closing" speech when he's driving Thomas, blowing a whistle and saying "Sparkle! Sparkle! Sparkle!"

[Brian Damage]

Robert De Niro --- The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle (2000)
Good sense of humor or dud career move? That's what we all asked ourselves when Robert De Niro joined this big-budget but small-brained adaptation of the TV cult cartoon. That he actually parodied his "Are you talkin' to me?" scene from Taxi Driver in this flop might just have been the line in his career where De Niro crossed over from awesome actor to self-parody specialist. Certainly his biggest hits since have traded on him mocking his tough-guy image, while actual meaty dramatic roles have been few and far between.

[Brian Damage]

Vin Diesel --- The Pacifier (2005)
After a slam-bang series of action movies, including Pitch Black, The Fast and the Furious and xXx, Vin Diesel took his homage to Arnold Schwarzenegger just that little bit too far with The Pacifier, a kiddie comedy that might've been called Kindergarten Slop. Thanks to plot developments approximately as believable as a boxing kangaroo or a karate-kicking dog, Diesel is here a Navy SEAL who has to impose his brand of military discipline on a household of unruly kids, who range in age from a diaper-filling baby to a fully developed babe played by Brittany Snow, then 19. While some of Arnie's blunt one-liners are among the most quoted lines in movie history, Diesel's rumbling delivery of zingers in The Pacifier is as funny as gravel in your Cap'n Crunch. At least Vin learned from the mistake and hasn't done another kids movie

[Brian Damage]

Burt Reynolds --- Cop and a Half (1993)
You can hear the pitch meeting: "It's Home Alone... meets Beverly Hills Cop!" Burt Reynolds, once the world's most bankable star, is directed by Henry Winkler, once the world's coolest man, in this blundering kiddie comedy that pairs a tough-nut cop with a precocious little eight-year-old cop. Lines like "I'm your worst nightmare -- an eight-year-old with a badge!" will make you cringe, but what's really odd is how violent this film is. Reynolds Nick McKenna threatens all sorts of violence to crims, and to the kid himself, which is surely inappropriate for the "1/2" audience for who this was meant.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/1202...ds_movie_stars

[comedyfreak]

I liked Jingle All The Way..I liked Sinbad, he was funny.

[catlover79]

Originally Posted by comedyfreak

I liked Jingle All The Way..I liked Sinbad, he was funny.

That's one of my aunt's all-time fave movies...even though her kids, my cousins, always make fun of her.

[catlover79]

Originally Posted by Brian Damage

Christopher Walken --- The Country Bears (2002)
When we think of the big-haired crazy man with the oddball vocal cadences, we flash to him haunted in The Deer Hunter and The Dead Zone or busting caps in True Romance and The King of New York. But while Walken has shown his softer side in numerous kids movies, his aura of menace comes with him. His Puss In Boots is ace for its displays of his dancing ability but the same can't be said for his other forays into critter cinema. At least Kangaroo Jack saw him playing a typical gangster role bit, but in The Country Bears he was called on to do the same schtick -- just opposite three actors in ursine outfits. You get the idea he did it solely for the below armpit music scene, which is high-grade Walken weirdness.

I saw this movie back in the day.

[Cactus Jack]

Hello...every non Shrek Eddie Murphy movie last decade?

[catlover79]

Originally Posted by Cactus Jack

Hello...every non Shrek Eddie Murphy movie last decade?

VERY good point!!!

[Marvo301]

Originally Posted by Cactus Jack

Hello...every non Shrek Eddie Murphy movie last decade?

I don't think all of Eddie's movies are actually children's movies. Just childish!

[waichingliu81]

you can add jackie chan in the remake of the karate kid on that list too.

[Cactus Jack]

Originally Posted by catlover79

VERY good point!!!

Thanks! LOL

I mean I LOVE his 80s movies but yeah

[Pitooey]

Originally Posted by Brian Damage

Arnold Schwarzenegger --- Jingle All the Way (1996)
He'd already tracked down Sarah Connor, the Predator and the truth about the Mars colony, so it seemed only natural that someone should make a movie in which action-man Arnie's entire challenge amounted to buying a Turbo Man toy as a Christmas present for his son (future Anakin Skywalker moppet Jake Lloyd). His competitor for the little piece of moulded plastic? Comedian Sinbad. Released in the yuletide season, it managed to make box-office cash registers jingle just enough for it to break even but critics and audiences who went along responded to it like a lump of coal in a stocking.

I'm a jingle all the way lover.