Monday's Quotes & a Honeymooners Thanksgiving:

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Kramdens & Nortons have arrived at Alice's Mother's house. Ralph looks like he is upset.)

Alice's Mother: "Happy Thanksgiving Alice! This is one dinner you will be thankful that you have enough to eat."

(Ralph groans.)

Alice's Dad: "The Nortons & Ralph, Happy Thanksgiving."

Ed: "Happy Turkey Day to you. Ha ha ha. I am very thankful to be here. So is Ralph."

(Ralph groans.)

Ed: "Yeah, that boy is bursting with joy that we are here."

Alice's Mom: "Let's go inside."

Ralph (whispers): "Alice, we are leaving immediately after dinner. I don't want to be spending anymore time with that loudmouth mother of yours."

Alice: "Ralph, not here."

(They all go inside.)

(The boys are watching the Jets game on TV.)

Alice's Mom: "Oh, you guys are interested in football. I am thankful that those Pats beat the Jets last Sunday."

(Ralph groans.)

Ralph (whiispers): "Ooooh, just one swing."

Ed: "Keep it cool Ralph. You will love the dinner that they have planned. Big turkey with all the trimmings."

Ralph: "Good."

Ed: "Alice's mother just said to Alice: 'I wonder if we are going to eat anything with Ralph here."

(Ralph has a mean look on his face.)

(Time for dinner.)

Ralph: "Folks, I would just like to say a few things. I am thankful that I have now calmed down and have grown to accept all the fat jokes that were said about me. Ed talked me into it. Ha ha ha. I am also thankful that I am married to Alice."

Alice: "Ooooh Ralph, I am thankful to be married to you too."

(Ed gets up and loudly clears his throat just like in the Color Honeymooners.)

Ed: "I am thankful that this is my second turkey dinner. I had one at my job yesterday but the tide came in."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ed: "I am thankful to be married to Trixie."

Trixie: "I am thankful to be married to you too."

Ed: "We are also thankful that we are friends including Ralph. Ralph is a sweet kid."

Alice's Mom: "Me and Mr. Gibson are thankful to be married to each other."

Ralph: "I am also thankful to be an American who is living in the land of the free and thankful that we have people fighting for our freedom as well as the fact that I am going to that action city, Miami Beach soon."

(Audience cheers.)

(They all eat their dinner.)

(Audience cheers as Jackie Gleason walks out.)

Jackie: "Thank you. All the rest of the cast here are thankful that we got men fighting overseas for us and that we get to perform in front of the greatest audiences in the world, the Miamie Beach audeinces. GOOD NIGHT."

(Audience cheers.)

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ralph: "Why did he say: 'Hey, get a load of fatso there.'?"

Ed: "I don't know. Maybe the phrase just fits."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Butter on my finger?" (yells): "AT 89 CENTS A POUND." (normally): "Would you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah about 300 lbs. of it."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

(Ralph is collecting money from all the bus drivers to get the boss' daughter a wedding present which will give all the bus drivers a raise and it will get Ralph on the boss' good side.)

Man: "Thank you for being the instigator in getting us a raise. Someday, you will be known as the John L. Lewis of the bus drivers."

(He leaves.)

Ralph: "I like to remove his nose."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't empty out your garbage because it is part of my efficency system. Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will empty it. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here, save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

"Dinner Guest":

Man: "Me and my wife are big TV fans. Where's the TV?"

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "It's out getting repaired."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "We don't have a TV set."

(A pause.)

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "We don't have a TV set."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "It's out getting repaired."

Ralph: "What my wife is trying to say is that if we had a TV set, it would be out getting repaired."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

Ralph (to Charlie): "I'm on a diet. I've gone from 220."

Ed: "That's his room number. He actually gone from 280."

"The Main Event":

Dynamite: "I need a manager. Someone who will give fights."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you KOed in 12 seconds?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Just for that remark Alice, when we get to Fred's Landing, I won't introduce you to Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."