Friday's Quotes & a Honeymooners Columbus Day:

[Frank Gannucci]

"A Promotion Part 1":

(It's freezing outside and the Kramden apartment building is like an igloo due to the lack of heat.)

Ralph: "Where is the landlord?"

Man: "Florida."

Ralph: "Florida?"

Man: "He can't stand this cold weather."

"A Matter of Record":

Ralph: "I can't use two seats."

Ed: "That is a matter of opinion."

"Pal O' Mine":

Alice: "Why don't all three of us go down and get some coffee."

Trixie: "Seeing you all right is just like getting $1,000,000."

Ed: "If that's the case, Trixie will pay."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "It's not like I don't want to give you money, it's what you don't do with it."

Ralph: "What is that?"

Ed: "You don't pay me back."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "I can't find the report."

Ed: "Maybe you ate it."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Do you have any more mashed potatoes and bread?"

Waiter: "We don't have anything else to throw away."

"Two for the Money":

(Ralph & Ed are at the bar. The girls have been waiting for them, so they arrive at the bar.)

Alice: "All right Sonny and Cher."

Ed: "So this is what you girls do when we are at a lodge meeting. You hang around bars."

"Two for the Money":

(Ralph & Ed are at a bar late at night, much to the wives' chagrin.)

Trixie: "Don't you ever think about us?"

Ed: "All the time. Why do you think we always go from bar to bar?"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Ralph: "Since we are going to be living here, I may need to get my wife some new clothes."

Bruno: "Don't worry about it. All she will need is a black dress."

(Ralph & Ed are standing on the U.S.S. Intrepid.)

Ralph: "Boy, Norton. I feel like Christopher Columbus."

Ed: "Why would you feel like the person who directed Home Alone?"

Ralph: "No, you stupe. I mean the person who discovered America in 1492."

Ed: "Oh. Yeah, what a coincidence. He sailed over the waters that went right into my future place of work."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph: "He went out to discover America. People thought he was crazy because they actually thought that the world was flat and he would literally fall of the place of the Earth. If I was Chris and Alice was still my wife, as usual she would think I was crazy for trying to discover land on the other side of the world."

Ed: "Just like she thinks that you are crazy every time."

Ralph: "Oooh, you are a riot Norton. A regular riot."

Ed: "Boy, I can't imagine sailing along the Atlantic Ocean for that long time. I would love the water though."

Ralph: "Yeah. But there would be no America if it wasn't for him."

Ed: "There would be NO Christopher Columbus if it wasn't for his mother though."

Ralph: "But, Christopher's father helped the mother if you know what I mean. Ha ha ha ha."

Ed: "What a great man that Chris was."

(They sing a song about Christopher Columbus during which they stand on the life-saving boat.)

Ed: "Ralph, what does this button do?"

(Ed presses the button and the boat falls into the water. Apparently the mechanism that is used to lower the boat is broken.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU NUT. PUT 'EM UP!"

(Jackie walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE."

(Audience cheers.)