London, Here We Come

[Race's Girl]

SCENE 1- London, England

It is well after midnight and a George Cole lookalike is slinking through the dirty alley in the wealthy part of London. He enters his own house and is startled by the voices of his two housekeepers.

HOUSEKEEPER 1: I wonder where Mr Kane went this time?

HOUSEKEEPER 2: Beats the living heck out of me!

MR KANE: I only went for a walk, for Pete's sake. (to Housekeeper 1) You, Hanson, back in the kitchen please and you, Frazer (to Housekeeper 2) back upstairs please.

Both Frazer and Hanson do as they are told while Mr Kane quickly carries a large vase upstairs. There are over vases in a circle around a smaller circle of candles and sand. He quickly places the vase in the empty space and steps back to watch.

SCENE 2- Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Joanie Cummingham bounces in the door of the Cunnignham house grinning from ear to ear.

JOANIE: I can't believe school's out for Summer.

MARION: Hard to believe it's been a year, isn't it?

JOANIE: It's been a very cool year though. What with schoolwork, cute hunks and stuff.

Marion nods in agreement as Howard arrives home.

HOWARD: Hello there, Ladies.

MARION AND JOANIE: (togteher) Hello there.

Suddenly, the phone rings and Richie, Ralph and Potsie run downstairs.

RICHIE: I'll get it Hello? (hangs up the phone) Pack some bags. We're going to England.

The next morning in London, Al, Howard, Marion, Fonzie, Potsie, Ralph, Lori Beth, Richie and Joanie all take a plane to London's Heathrow ariport and are greeted by five male officers.

RICHIE: L.B, it's not my fault airplane food tastes awful. (to Al) And Al, Arnold's may or may not survive without you.

AL: Clarence can't be trusted. He'll probably run naked all over the place.

OFFICER RESEMBLING JAMES BOLAM: Well, you all know why you're here. When our boss, we should come up with a plan, perhaps some can do research while others can patrol the city-

OFFICER RESEMBLING JOHN THAW: What others? Is D.A.C Kennedy coming with some other officers?

OFFICER RESEMBLING IAN McSHANE: No. I called Chief Superintendant Angel and he should be arriving shortly.

OFFICER RESEMBLING ALUN ARMSTRONG: You called Chief Superintendant Angel?

LORI BETH: I think we need all the heroics we can get here if this crime wave's as powerful as these guys say.

OFFICER RESEMBLING DENNIS WATERMAN: I just wish you'd told me you were gonna call him.

[Race's Girl]

Scene 4- London, England

The gang are in a hotel room with the officers and Joanie is staring at the brown haired officer near her.

OFFICER RESEMBLING ALUN ARMSTRONG: (to the officer resembing Dennis Watherman while noticing Joanie staring at him) Hey, Jeremy, I think someone likes you.

JEREMY: Shut it, Hans.

HANS: (to the officers who resemble John Thaw, Ian McShane and James Bolam) Hey, Alan, Jeff, Mark, that Yankee kid's got a thing for Jeremy.

ALAN: (the Ian McShane lookalike) Way to go, Jeremy.

JEFF: (the John Thaw lookalike) My God.

MARK: (the James Bolam lookalike) I knew Jeremy always had it in him.

JOANIE: Thanks, Jeremy.

Ralph and Potsie laugh as they hear this.

Scene 5- London, England

It is the next morning and the gang are walking around London when they see Mr Kane with a bag.

MARK: Mr Kane, what's in the bag?

MR KANE: Nothing. (hands the bag to Al and Howard and points at them) They stole my bloody bag and that pricey vase was in it.

JEREMY: You two are nicked.

HOWARD: But..

JEFF: No buts, you two are nicked.

MARK: Hands up, Mr Cunningham, Mr Delvecchio! You're coming with us.

HOWARD: Hang on, hang on, I want to see what they do with this jackass.

HANS: Hands up!

MARION: Oh my God! Howard, you didn't!

ALAN: Guys, Mark has a thing for Mrs C!

Scene 6- London, England

The team are al in court where Al and Howard are being tried.

JUDGE: This large vase was found in your hands. You are clearly guilty of robbery so you are free to go... straight to jail!

MARION: Howard, tell me you didn't do this.

HOWARD: Marion, I didn't do it! You know you can trust me, right? Come on, let's sit down and talk about this.

MARION: I want to believe you but...

HOWARD: But seriously, you can trust me.

Nigel: Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry this terrible tragedy has befallen you.
Lois: Thank you, Nigel. You're very kind.
Nigel: Can I touch your bum once?
Lois: What?
Nigel: Now I expect to see you at Eliza's birthday, and I won't take no for an answer unless the question is, "Do you not like me?" Get it? Double negative, you know? Very good. Yes.

Inmate 1: Hey, check out the new meat!
Inmate 2: I like the fat one. More cushion for the pushin'.
Peter: Thank you!
Inmate 3: You and me gonna have a good time together!
Peter: Gosh, everybody's so nice here. I mean, they're gonna be disappointed when they find out I'm not gay, but wow!
Joe: Oh, my God. See that guy? That's the most vicious killer I ever put away. His name's Steve Bellows. He's so mean, he once shot a man for snoring.
Quagmire: Where have I heard that before?
Joe: It's all in this simulated leather-bound edition of Time-Life's "Killers of Quahog."
Peter: Wow. They're all here. John the Biter, the Berserk Hobo, the Golden Autumn Day Strangler.
Cleveland: Maybe Steve won't remember you.
[Ominous instrumental music]
Steve Bellows: Well, well, Officer Swanson. You and your friends are dead! You're all dead!
Peter: Oh, good. He thinks we're zombies. He'll leave us alone.

[Race's Girl]

Scene 6- London, England

Peter: Lois, the Drunken Clam's been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, tea-sucking British jerks!
Lois: Peter!
Nigel: Hello, Nigel Pinchley here. I was just introducing myself to your wife, who I must say is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet. (Nigel and Lois start laughing. Nigel looks over Lois. )
Peter: Holy crap! You're one of them!
Lois: Peter! Nigel and his daughter are our new neighbors.
Nigel: Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the "limey git" who has purchased your bar. Bit of an awkward moment, really.

(Scene: Outside the Griffin House. Stewie is sitting at a small table. A girl approaches.)
Eliza: (cockney accent) Aw, look at the little baby!
Stewie: Ahh! What the devil is that ghastly noise?
Eliza: It's me! Eliza Pinchley. You want a flower, little baby? (offers a flower to Stewie)
Stewie: Excuse me. What I think you mean to say is,"Would I like a flower?" Heavens! You don't so much speak the language as chew on it and spit it out!
Eliza: Go on. What's wrong with the way I talk?
Stewie: [shuddering] Everything. Look, here's a shiny sixpence if you keep your mouth shut and go away. (Tosses the coin on the ground. Eliza turns and bends down to pick it up. Stewie glances at her butt.) Eh!
(Back to Lois and Peter)
Lois: Honey, I know the Drunken Clam was your bar. But maybe you and your friends can find somewhere else to act like idiots.
Peter: Yeah, I guess you're right. You know why I married you, Lois? It's not just the rack, or the caboose. It's that big, sexy brain of yours. (Begins licking Lois's head. Both are laughing.)

(Cut back to the Griffin house. Stewie is on the floor and Brian is reading a book. Lois comes over.)
Lois: Stewie, look. It's an invitation to little Eliza's birthday party!
Stewie: You mean that horrid girl who talks like a scullery maid? I didn't realize she'd been born. I assumed she'd simply congealed in a gutter somewhere. (Lois chuckles.)
Lois: Ooh, i'm gonna r.s.v.p. right now! (Walks off)
Stewie: Oh, splendid. An entire afternoon of her "ers," and "ars," and "'alf a pound of ha'penny rice." God, why can't the English teach their children how to speak?
Brian: (Looks up from reading.) Why don't you teach her? Unless you don't think you're up to it.
Stewie: (Mockingly) Oh, yes, this is the part where I'm supposed to say, "Oh, I am so up to it". (Begins laughing, then abruptly stops and points accusingly at Brian.) Well, I am! I accept your challenge! At the celebration of her birthday, I shall pass that guttersnipe off as a lady! What are the stakes of this wager?
Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Very well. And if I win?
Brian: Well, I--I wasn't betting. (Gets up from chair.)Why don't you just shut up for about a week? (Walks off)
Stewie: You're on!

(Shows Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire dressed in colonial clothing. They enter the doorway of the Clam's Head Pub. Quagmire is holding a flag, Cleveland is drumming, Peter is playing the fife.))
Peter: Minutemen, present arms! (They each hold up a beer) Load weapons! (They all begin shaking their beers and chanting)
All: Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka! Boom-shaka-laka-laka!
Peter: Fire! (They open their beers and let it splash all over the English customers.)
Various British: Oh, I say! Throw the blackguards out!
Nigel: Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!
Cleveland: Don't tread on me!
Peter: Yeah, back off! We kicked your ass in World War II, and we can do it again!
Nigel: Very well, then. If you refuse to go peaceably, I'm afraid we'll have to useour superior linguistic skills to convince you to leave.
Peter: Oh, yeah? Just try it!
All: Bye, now.
Cleveland:Thanks.
Joe: Sorry to bother you.
Quagmire: I never saw it that way before. Wait, how the hell did they do that?
Peter:Well, we're not gonna let this stop us. I've never been defeated, except once.

Peter: Now, don't worry. These guys are trained to stay perfectly still. Check it out. Hey, Margaret Thatcher...what the hell? I thought you English guys never moved.
Sentry: No. That's just our women. [both laughing] Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat! Egg and chips with jam booties!
Joe: Welcome to the Quahog Beer Party!
Cleveland: I do feel a little guilty about pollutin'.
Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.
Cleveland: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: Hey, it may taste like a warm cup of tobacco chewers' spit but it's still beer, damn it.
Quagmire: Good point. Bottoms up!
Peter: Take that, you lousy Brits!
Lois: Peter, we waited up all night. Where were you?
Peter: Where was I? Where were you?
Lois: Out drinking. But I was back by 2:00.
Brian: Oh, no!
Stewie: No, no, no! If you're ever going to be a lady, you must learn to speak like one. Now try it again. "The life of the wife is ended by the knife."
Eliza: "The loif of the w..."
Stewie: No, no, no. Not "loif," "life!" "Life!"
Eliza: That's wha' I said! "Loif!"
Stewie: Now listen to me, you tin-eared piece of baggage, we've got five days left, and I'll not lose my wager. Now repeat after me. "Hello, Mother. Have you hidden my hatchet?"
Eliza: 'Allo, Mother. 'Ave you 'idden my 'atchet?"
Stewie: God, no! It's an "H" sound, you moron! H! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Eliza: Ooh, your breath smells like kitty litter!
Stewie: I was curious!
Bonnie: Our husbands couldn't have done this.
Loretta: Yeah. Cleveland can't even light the damn hibachi on the Fourth of July!
Quagmire: Oh, no! Here comes Steve!
Steve Bellows: I haven't forgot about you boys! Saturday night at midnight, you're dead! All of you are dead!
Peter: Midnight on Saturday? Thank God! We can still be in the talent show! From the top, boys. Five, six, seven, eight!
[Jazz instrumental music] [the guys do a Cabaret-style dance]
Stewie: Once again, here is how it should sound. "How do you do?" And here is how you sound: [Can moos] Now try it again.
Eliza: "How do you do?"
Stewie: What did you say?
Eliza: "The life of the wife is ended by the knife."

Nigel: Hello. So nice to see you.
Lois: There he is. All right, we need to search the house for evidence. But one of us is gonna have to distract Nigel. Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't. Well, what about Loretta? Nigel looks like he's down with the swirl.
Nigel: Oh, there you are, Lois. Shall I give you the grand tour and show you my private quarters?
Lois: - I'd love to.
Nigel: I must say, you look absolutely...[Muttering] Oh, don't be shy, my lambie-lamb. This is my study where I... study things that arouse my interest.
Lois: [Thinking] Good, the girls are in place. [aloud] Oh, Nigel, since Peter's been gone, I've been searching for someone new. You know, someone with a sense of danger and adventure.
Nigel: I once played a game of cricket without shin guards.
Lois: Oh, I love a reckless man!
Nigel: One time, I went up to this bloke's flat, rang the bell, and ran like Sebastian Coe!
Lois: More! Tell me more!
Nigel: I burned down my pub for the insurance money and framed your husband!
Lois: I knew it! And what's more, I have witnesses! Bonnie! Loretta? Demond Wilson from Sanford and Son? What are you doing here?
Demond Wilson: I know. I'm surprised I'm alive, too.
Nigel: Sorry, love. Better luck next time.
Insurance Agent: Mr. Pinchley, I heard everything! What you've done is a textbook example of insurance "fraud"!
Nigel: Oh, bloody hell! What the devil were you doing in the closet anyway?
Insurance Agent: I came with Demond.
Butler: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Eliza Pinchley.
Stewie: Psst! You-Dogbert! Down here! Get a front-row seat for this one.
[Sweet instrumental music]
Eliza: How kind of you all to come.
Stewie: Magnificent! I say, old sport, why don't you pull your face from your own loins and bury it into some humble pie?
Eliza: Oh, bloody 'ell! I've gone and wet meself!
Stewie: Don't give me that smug look! Fine! Well, you have extra-sensitive hearing. Hear this.
[Inaudible]
Brian: I'm telling.
Stewie: No! I said "vacuum"!
Quagmire: Hurry, Peter! Steve's gonna be here in five minutes!
Peter: Aw, crap! We're dead!
Quagmire: I guess this is the end, boys.
Joe: Looks like our next stop is a corner booth in a bar in Heaven!
Lois: Peter, Nigel confessed! You're free!
Peter: You hear that, guys? We're free!
[Cheering]
All: All right! Yeah! Freedom!
Steve Bellows: Get ready to die! Oh. Huh. Wonder what this feels like. [stabs self] [Shouts] That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people? I belong here.
[Upbeat instrumental music]
[Crowd cheering]
Peter: Ah, Horace, I never thought I'd see you and the Clam again.
Horace: Ah, Florida stunk. An alligator mounted me when I wasn't looking and laid eggs in my lower intestine. But you're all thirsty. I'll bore you another time.
Peter: Here's to our wives. They may not be as hot as the women you see on TV, or as entertaining...but, um.... You know, I don't know where I'm going with this, but thanks anyway.
Lois: I guess that lousy Nigel learned his lesson. Whatever he gets is too good for him.