The Voice of a Child

[ZeldaGilroy]

Okay, so here I am starting a new fanfic after I said I wasn't going to write one. I have tossed this idea around in my brain for a while and shared it with a few people. Some liked the idea and others didn't care for it very much. After a lot of thought I decided I like it enough to write it.

This is yet another installment in my series of fanfics (FOL Reunion Sequel, The Sequel 2008, and A Touch of Silver.) I know I have been writing in this series of events for a long time and it may seem repetitive, so anyone who has lost interest should not feel obligated to read this. I understand completely. But I really love these characters and feel connected to them, so for those of you who want to read more about their life experiences I think this fanfic will be entertaining.

I have chosen to write in the journal format again. Yes...I know that is repetitive as well, but it was so much fun last time that I decided to go for it. This fic will be from Jamie's point of view as she begins middle school in LA and then moves to Eastland after her mother's emotional breakdown. I can relate to the preteen point of view as I am dealing with a child going through her first year of middle school myself right now. Actually, this fic may be a way for me to attempt to relate better to my own child.

Thanks to everyone who is reading. I hope you enjoy it!

[ZeldaGilroy]

Wednesday, March 20, 2013 (8:00 AM)

It had been a long week and it was only Wednesday. Jo walked up the creaking attic steps and stopped, facing the mess before her. When she had come up to the attic a few weeks earlier to find her old journal she had been surprised and overwhelmed by the chaotic mess. Now she knew what to expect, but it still took her breath away. The dusty boxes, old furniture, and piles of junk had been calling to her ever since. She knew she had to clean the mess up, throw out the things they didn’t need, and put everything else in its rightful place. And today was as good a day as any. In fact, she was sure if she didn’t do it now she would probably never find the time.

Rick was sound asleep downstairs in the bedroom and she knew he would be out for hours. He had made it through his knee replacement surgery on Monday with no problems, but he was in excruciating pain and the pain meds the doctor prescribed kept him pretty much out of it for hours on end. Since Jo was busy caring for Rick, Natalie had offered to watch the twins for the week and Blair had insisted on taking the boys to the city to enjoy the museums, Broadway musicals, and spend time in a luxurious hotel. Since the kids were on Spring Break from school it seemed like the right thing to do. Jo already missed her children, but she was relieved to have time to care for her husband. She hadn’t expected him to be asleep the whole time though and so now she was finding it hard to keep herself busy. That was why she decided to tackle the attic. She couldn’t just sit around and watch Rick sleep.

She began sorting through boxes, making piles of old treasures to keep and trash to throw away. She was surprised by how much stuff they had accumulated up there in the time they had lived in the house. It had been easy to toss things up in the attic and then forget about them. She opened a box, dirty and dingy from years of storage and smiled when she saw the contents. Jamie’s baby things, a few items she had kept that had happy memories attached; her first Halloween costume, a furry black kitten with tiny pointed ears and a pink collar; the rattle that had been her favorite; a pink and blue quilt Beverly Ann had made; the tiny pink dress she had worn home from the hospital after Blair insisted she couldn’t wear what Jo had originally chosen; and her baby book. Since she had recently read the journal she had kept when she was pregnant with Jamie, all of these things seemed to pull at her heartstrings. She opened the baby book and flipped through it, smiling at the pictures and reading the entries she had written on each page celebrating her daughter’s life from birth through kindergarten. She felt guilty that the book had been tossed in a box and thrown in the attic. Erick’s and the twins’ baby books were downstairs on the bookshelf and Jamie’s should have been there too. She put it in the keep pile, making a mental note to take it downstairs and put it in its rightful place. Finding the book up here, she knew she was guilty of taking Jamie for granted. There was such a huge gap in age between Jamie and Erick and then between Jamie and the twins. She knew Jamie felt loved, but Jo sometimes felt like she didn’t give her the attention she deserved when she was caught up with the younger kids. She knew Jamie felt it too. She hoped she hadn’t felt neglected growing up, but she was pretty sure she had.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013 (12:45 PM)

Jo made her way back up to the attic. She had taken a short break to check on Rick and make some lunch. She was relieved that he was able to sit up and eat some soup before taking more pain medication and falling back to sleep. Now that she was sure he was going to be asleep for a while, she knew she had time to finish up the attic.

She looked around the room and was pleased with the progress she had already made. Most of the boxes were either emptied or stacked neatly in the corner of the room. She still had a few more boxes to go through but she was relieved the task had not been as daunting as she had expected. She sat down on the floor and pulled another box over. This one had Jamie’s bubbly handwriting along the sides and was labeled “Jamie’s stuff.” Jo opened it and looked carefully through her daughter’s keepsakes. Mostly the box was filled with Eastland memorabilia; yearbooks, pictures, and a few papers she was proud of. Jo was reminiscent for the days her daughter had been at home with her. Now that Jamie was in medical school she didn’t see her often and she missed her. She looked carefully through Jamie’s middle school and high school memories and knew she hadn’t spent the time with her that she should have back then. Erick had been a baby, and Jo was battling her own depression, and Jamie had deserved more attention than she received. Jo sighed, her heart aching for the little girl her daughter used to be. She decided to put all of the things back in the box and ask Jamie if she wanted to keep them at her apartment or if she should keep them here in the attic.

As she piled the items carefully into the box something caught her eye. It was a notebook, yellow with Jamie’s name in her youthful handwriting scribbled across the cover. The pages were tattered and faded, some were loose and close to falling out. It was obviously a school notebook and Jo wondered what was so special about it that her daughter had kept it for so long. She opened it, careful not to let any of the worn pages fall out and was surprised to see it was some kind of journal. When she had given Jamie a journal for her birthday a few weeks ago she had acted like it was the worst gift in the world, but apparently her daughter was not new to journal writing. Jo knew she should put the notebook back in the box…Jamie’s private thoughts were not her business. But a part of her longed to know what was going through her daughter’s mind back then. Had she felt as neglected as Jo feared? Had she known in her heart that she was loved? Before she could put the notebook back in the box she found herself reading it. Then there was no turning back.

Tuesday, September 4, 2001

Today is the first day of school. My English teacher, Mrs. Shivers says we have to keep a journal this year. She says that it is a good way to practice our writing skills and a good way to express our feelings. I do not feel like writing in this thing at all, but if I don’t she will call my parents and I will be in trouble for not doing my best at school so I might as well write. At least Mrs. Shivers says she is not going to read what we write. She just wants to know that we have something down on paper. So at least this won’t hurt my grade or anything.

So, my name is Jamie Bonner. I am twelve years old, I’ll be thirteen in February. I am in the 7th grade at Martin Luther King Jr. Middle School. I live here in Los Angeles with my mom and dad. My mom is a police officer for the LAPD. My dad is a musician and plays backup for a lot of different groups based out of LA. He also tours with the Los Angeles Orchestra a few times a year and I miss him like crazy when he is gone. It is lonely at home without him. I love both of my parents, but my dad and I seem to get along better. I think it is because he is at home more. My mom’s job keeps her away from home and I don’t get to see her a lot. Plus I worry about my mom all the time. My dad keeps telling me that Mom can take care of herself and that she is always the most careful officer on the force because she knows we are at home waiting for her, but I am still scared something will happen to her. I know Daddy is scared about it too. My mom used to be a teacher, but she decided to join the police force after one of her students was brutally beaten and murdered by her parents. She said it was something she had to do. I guess I can understand why she thinks she has to be a cop. I just wish she could understand why I cry myself to sleep at night when she is not home.

Mrs. Shivers says our writing time is up. She also said maybe we would want to write in the journals at home. I don’t think I will, but I guess I can throw it in my backpack just in case.

Jamie

[ZeldaGilroy]

Wednesday, September 5, 2001

Mom came home early last night and we went out for ice cream to celebrate the first day of school. I almost told her that I am not a baby and I don’t need to go out for ice cream like I am starting kindergarten or something. But then I decided I would just go and enjoy the time with her. I had a double cone of Chunky Chocolate Chip and Mom didn’t get anything, she just watched me eat. She says she has to stay in shape for her job which is why she never eats anything that tastes good. I don’t get that because she works out two hours every morning to stay in shape so I don’t know why she should give up ice cream too. She says she isn’t getting any younger and can’t keep up with the cops in their twenties if she doesn’t put forth the effort.

We talked about school and she asked me what I liked and didn’t like about middle school. I told her I like mostly everything. I have at least one friend from elementary school in each class and the teachers have been nice so far. She looked sad and I didn’t know why until she told me that she was going to be away on an assignment for a few weeks. She said she didn’t want to ruin my first day of school by telling me sooner. I wanted to cry, but I wouldn’t let her see me do that so I focused on my ice cream instead. She said she was going to be undercover and as soon as they caught the creep they were after she would be home. She said she didn’t want me to worry, but how can I not worry? My mom left this morning and I don’t know if I will ever see her alive again.

Mrs. Shivers is looking at me. I think she can tell I am crying. I’m going to ask if I can go to the bathroom.

Jamie



Thursday, September 6, 2001

Daddy took me out for pizza last night. I think he wanted to get my mind off of Mom. It didn’t work though because I was still worried about her. She didn’t call us yesterday, but my dad keeps saying it isn’t a big deal because she hardly ever calls the first day she is on an assignment. I felt better until last night when I was in bed and I heard him call her cell phone over and over again. He must have left her a dozen messages. She never called back.

This morning I was upset when I got to school, but then something happened that cheered me up a little. Tyler Briggs gave a note to my friend Kady to give to me. The note said he thought I was cute. I can’t believe Tyler Briggs thinks I am cute. I wonder if I should write a note back to him?

I am going to ask my dad if Kady can spend the night this weekend. Then she can help me figure out what to do about Tyler. Hopefully Mom will call tonight so me and Dad can stop worrying. Otherwise he won’t let Kady come over and I’ll be worried and lonely.

Mrs. Shivers says it is time to put away the journals and start our board work.

Jamie



Friday, September 7, 2001

I am so glad it is Friday! Dad said Kady could stay the night tonight so she is coming home with me after school and we are going to write a really great note to Tyler. I hope Dad gives us some privacy though because I do not want him to know I am writing a note to a boy. I don’t think he would take it well.

Mom called yesterday while I was at school and then she called last night to talk to me. She said she was sorry she hadn’t called sooner but she was undercover and it was impossible to get to her phone. She said they are making good progress on the case so maybe she will be home sooner than she thought. She said she loves me and misses me and that I should not worry.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if my mom died. I know that sounds creepy, but when your mom faces armed criminals everyday you start to think about those kinds of things. Kady’s mom died last year. She had cancer. It was really sad and Kady still cries when she thinks about her. I don’t want to have to remember my mom. I want to be with my mom.

I have to copy some sentences from the board and circle all of the pronouns. I guess I will write more on Monday.

Jamie

[Nighthawk76]

Great job, Billie! You never told me that you were thinking of writing this story. I'm glad that you decided to though, since it looks like it is going to be another really good one. Writing the story from Jamie's perspective is interesting.

[ZeldaGilroy]

Originally Posted by Shine

Great job, Billie! You never told me that you were thinking of writing this story. I'm glad that you decided to though, since it looks like it is going to be another really good one. Writing the story from Jamie's perspective is interesting.

Thanks Mike! I had this idea floating aroung in my head and decided to give it a try. I am glad you are going to read it and that you like it so far. Hopefully I can post more soon!

[ZeldaGilroy]

Monday, September 10, 2001

I can’t believe how fast the weekend went by. Friday night Kady stayed at my house and we wrote a note to Tyler. It says that I think he is cute too. Kady is going to give it to him in math class today. I feel weird about it because I know my dad would freak out if he knew I was giving notes to boys. But I am almost 13. It’s about time.

My mom called twice over the weekend. Once on Saturday morning and then again last night. She said things are fine, but that she misses us and wants to come home. I miss her too. She said they have hit a snag in the investigation so it may be longer than she thought. Daddy was not happy about that. He told me to go to my room, but I could still hear him talking. He kept saying things like “How am I supposed to keep things together around here? I am not Jamie’s only parent.” and “You know I was planning to go to Chicago and play backup in a couple of weeks. What do you suggest I do with our daughter?” It makes me sad that they are fighting over who is stuck with me. I know they love me, but I feel like they don’t like me very much sometimes. Otherwise they would be fighting over who got to spend the most time with me instead of who could leave and get away from me.

Jamie



Tuesday, September 11, 2001

I don’t even know what to write. Everything is so messed up today. Mrs. Shivers has the news on and I don’t even want to watch it anymore. I want to go home. Some kids didn’t even come to school today, but Daddy said I had to. He said it wouldn’t do me any good to stay home all day and watch the news coverage when I should be at school enjoying being a kid.

The news was on when I woke up this morning. I got up and poured cereal and noticed my dad was glued to the TV so I went to see what he was watching. Some planes crashed into the World Trade Center. People were screaming and there was smoke and fire. It scared me because I have been there myself, just last summer when I went to visit my Grandma Rose. Daddy looked at me and then he turned off the TV and told me not to be scared because everything would be okay. I started crying because I could tell he didn’t mean it. He looked scared and he never gets scared. I asked him if they got the people out and he said that a lot of the people didn’t get out and that made me cry harder. Then I got really scared because a lot of people I love live in New York. My Grandma and Grandpa Polniaczek, my Aunt Blair and Uncle Tad. What if one of them was at the World Trade Center? Daddy said he was sure everyone was fine and he tried to call them to prove to me that they were okay but the phone lines are messed up in the city and so he couldn’t reach anybody. He promised me he’d keep trying and then he made me go to school.

All the teachers have had the news on today. On the news they keep saying the United States is being attacked by terrorists. What if they do something here? Why do the bad guys want to bother us anyway? We never did anything to anyone. At least I don’t think we did. I know I didn’t. Why do the bad guys want to hurt me and other people who have never done anything wrong?

I want my mom to come home. I wonder if she has talked to Grandma and Grandpa or Aunt Blair? If she does I hope she calls to tell us.

Jamie

[RoryGilmore]

Excellent story, I was 11 on 9/11 so not too far off.

I love seeing things from Jamies point of view its really interesting and I cant wait for more

[Nighthawk76]

Just when I think you've written the best fic ever, you go and top yourself. I think this story might turn out to be even better than your last one. I think having the story revolve around the events of 9/11 was a good one.

[ZeldaGilroy]

Originally Posted by Shine

Just when I think you've written the best fic ever, you go and top yourself. I think this story might turn out to be even better than your last one. I think having the story revolve around the events of 9/11 was a good one.

Thanks Mike. That is such an amazing compliment. I don't know if this fic will be better or not. So far I haven't even had time to work on it, so who knows where this story is headed.

[ZeldaGilroy]

Thursday, September 13, 2001

I stayed home from school yesterday. I am glad I did though because I felt sad about everything that had happened and I needed time to feel better. I am still confused, but I am not as scared because I talked to my Grandma on the phone yesterday and she said she and Grandpa are fine. Aunt Blair e-mailed us, so she is okay too.

Dad picked me up from school Tuesday and we went home. He wouldn’t let me watch TV because he said it was too sad for me to watch. We played Monopoly and made chicken nuggets and then I went to bed. I heard him watching the news after I went to bed, but before too long I fell asleep. Sometime in the middle of the night I felt someone lay next to me and put their arms around me. I rolled over and it was my mom. She kissed me and said she missed me and that she came home even though her case wasn’t over because she wanted to be with me. I told her I was afraid and she told me I was safe and I shouldn’t worry. Then she held me next to her and I fell asleep.

When I woke up Mom was making pancakes. I love pancakes. While we ate breakfast she said she was going to let me stay home from school. Daddy said I should go, but Mom said she wanted me with her for the day and missing one day of school wouldn’t hurt anything. So I stayed home with Mom and Dad went to the studio to record on some album. Mom and I had a good day. We didn’t do much, just talked. Then Dad came home and we had dinner and watched TV for a while. They were still covering the attacks on all the local stations, so we watched Nick at Nite.

I went to bed and I could hear Mom and Dad talking. Dad was asking her why she wasn’t going back to work and she was telling him she was sick and tired of putting her life on the line for other people when she had a family that needed her. He told her she would have to find another job because they depend on her income and she told him she was too tired to mess with looking for a job. Then I heard her crying and it worried me because my mom only cries when she is really afraid or hurt and I don’t know why she is so sad.

This morning Mom seemed okay. She made me pancakes again which she would never do normally. She doesn’t like us to eat too many starchy, sugary foods. The really weird thing is she ate them herself. She never eats anything like that. Then she took me to school and she kissed me good-bye right there in front of everyone at the drop-off lane. I almost died. I don’t think anyone noticed though. On the way to school I asked Mom when she was going back to work and she said she is not a cop anymore. I wanted to ask her why, but she changed the subject and asked me about my classes instead.

School is taking forever today. No one is really paying attention and I think the teachers are still upset about everything. I want to go home. I wonder if they would send me home if I asked to go to the nurse? I could say I have a stomachache. It’s not a complete lie. I don’t feel good and I want my mom to come and get me.

Jamie

[RoryGilmore]

Excellent post

[ZeldaGilroy]

Originally Posted by Jo/Blair Fan

Excellent post

Thanks Meghan! I am glad you are reading. Sorry I am not updating this fic as quickly as I usually do my stories. I just never seem to have time. I am hoping to do a lot of writing this weekend and so maybe I will have much more to post soon!

[ZeldaGilroy]

Here is a little bit more. I haven't been as motivated to write as I had hoped. Hopefully I will be able to post again later.

Friday, September 14, 2001

Mrs. Shivers wouldn’t let me go to the nurse yesterday. She said she was sure I would feel better as the day went on. I didn’t. After school Daddy picked me up and I asked him why Mom quit her job. He said he wasn’t sure, but he knew she had her reasons and it would be nice to have her home with us more often. I told him I didn’t feel well all day and he hugged me and said he was sure I would feel better once I got home.

At home I did feel better. Mom helped me with my homework and then we watched TV for a while. My Aunt Dorothy’s talk show was on. I haven’t seen her forever, but Mom said maybe we could call her sometime soon and get together. Then I noticed it looked like my mom was getting all teary again and so I asked her if she wanted to play basketball with me in the driveway and she smiled and said she would love to. We played for a long time. I thought Mom was in a better mood, but after dinner she went to bed early and Dad and I cleaned up the dishes. I asked him if Mom was sick or something and he said he thought she was just going through some things and feeling sad. I wish I could cheer her up. I don’t like it when she is upset.

When I went to bed I could hear my parents talking in their room. My mom must not have gone to sleep after all. Dad was telling her that I was upset because she was acting so sad all of the time. She said she was trying not to act sad around me. He told her she was acting like the whole world had crashed down around her and she said she felt like it had. Daddy said she should be happy; at least no one we knew was killed in the attacks. Mom said it didn’t matter if we knew the people or not, she was sad from watching footage of the attacks, hurt by the sad faces of people who had lost loved ones. She said she missed her family and friends, realized that she could have lost any one of them forever. She said she just felt hurt.
Daddy tried to make her feel better, but she just cried. I could hear her most of the night. When I woke up this morning she was still asleep and I wanted to kiss her good-bye but Dad said we should let her rest. I told him I heard her crying and he hugged me and said he promised everything would be okay. Then he brought me to school.

I am glad it is Friday. Tyler still hasn’t said anything about my note. I wonder if he doesn’t like me anymore. I was going to ask Kady about it, but she’s been home sick the past few days. I don’t think she is really sick. I think her Grandma just let her stay home. I want to stay home too. At least tomorrow is Saturday.

Jamie



Friday, September 21, 2001

Mrs. Shivers says we do not have time to write in our journals everyday in class anymore. We have too many other things to do. So now she is letting us write on Fridays and we can choose to write on our own throughout the week if we want to. I don’t want to. Fridays will have to be good enough for me.

My dad is leaving tonight. He is flying to Chicago for work. I am going to miss him because my mom is still acting weird and she still cries herself to sleep at night. I heard her last night begging Daddy not to go to Chicago. She said she didn’t want him to get on the plane. He told her he had to go to work, especially if she wasn’t going to be working anymore. Then she just cried harder.

Mom brought me to school this morning. I asked her if she wanted to go to the movies or something tonight. We always try to do something fun, just the two of us, when Dad is out of town. She said she didn’t know if she would feel up to it. When I got out of the car she called to me. I knelt down to look in the car and she looked so sad. She said she loved me and she would like to go to the movies if I wanted to go. I hugged her good-bye.

Tyler Briggs came up to me in the hall after Social Studies class and said he liked my note. This is turning out to be a better day than I thought it would be. I hope my mom will be okay tonight after Dad leaves. I hope my dad will be okay on the plane. I am a little scared myself, but I don't want to say anything. It will make Mom feel even worse.

Jamie

[RoryGilmore]

Good post, I love seeing Jo sink into depression from Jamie's POV

[Nighthawk76]

Very well written and very dramatic.