Saturday's Quotes: - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

Frank Gannucci · 06-20-2009, 08:46 PM

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Is that you Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "YES IT IS MR. KRAMDEN AND I HAVE THE SHERRIFF WITH ME. OPEN UP!"

Ralph: "Are you crazy? If I open the door, you will slap me with a rent increase. Ha ha. I am not opening up."

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "STAY IN THERE. BUT THE SHERRIFF IS POSTING ONE OF HIS MEN IN THIS HALLWAY AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN
THAT DOOR, HE WILL SLAP YOU WITH AN EVICTION NOTICE AND DON'T TRY TO GO OUT THE FIRE ESCAPE. HE WILL HAVE A MAN OUT THERE TOO."

(Ralph looks scared.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Just what I told you. He is scared to death."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, if you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last costumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last costumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph (yelling out the window to Mr. Olson): "YOU TAKE IT UP WITH THE
LANDLORD AND TELL HIM THIS. IF THERE AREN'T ANY IMPROVMENTS MADE
AROUND HERE, I'M LEAVING."

Mr. Olson (from downstairs, yells): "GO AHEAD AND LEAVE! THAT WILL BE
AN IMPROVEMENT RIGHT THERE!"

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(It's Ed's birthday and Ralph wants to get off cheaply.)

Alice: "Ed took you to the Kit Kat Klub on your birthday."

Ralph: 'Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa Cabana."

"Petticoat Jungle":

Ralph: "You are going to wear the bathing suit that I gave you."

Alice: "I can't wear that suit Ralph. It has a hole in the knee."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Fix my supper."

Alice (grabbing the dog food): "All right Rex. Have a meatball."

06-20-2009, 08:46 PM	#1
Frank Gannucci Member Forum Star Join Date: Mar 05, 2007 Posts: 16,043	Saturday's Quotes: "Please Leave The Premises": Ralph: "Is that you Mr. Johnson?" Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "YES IT IS MR. KRAMDEN AND I HAVE THE SHERRIFF WITH ME. OPEN UP!" Ralph: "Are you crazy? If I open the door, you will slap me with a rent increase. Ha ha. I am not opening up." Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "STAY IN THERE. BUT THE SHERRIFF IS POSTING ONE OF HIS MEN IN THIS HALLWAY AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN THAT DOOR, HE WILL SLAP YOU WITH AN EVICTION NOTICE AND DON'T TRY TO GO OUT THE FIRE ESCAPE. HE WILL HAVE A MAN OUT THERE TOO." (Ralph looks scared.) Ralph (to Alice): "Just what I told you. He is scared to death." "The Golfer": Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, if you don't have any connections you get nowhere." Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer." "Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2": (Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.) (Ed comes in.) Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one." (Ed puts it on.) (Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.) (Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.) Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!" "The Hypnotist Part 1": (Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.) Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick." Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull." "Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"): Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last costumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last costumer?" Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'" "My Fair Landlord": Ralph (yelling out the window to Mr. Olson): "YOU TAKE IT UP WITH THE LANDLORD AND TELL HIM THIS. IF THERE AREN'T ANY IMPROVMENTS MADE AROUND HERE, I'M LEAVING." Mr. Olson (from downstairs, yells): "GO AHEAD AND LEAVE! THAT WILL BE AN IMPROVEMENT RIGHT THERE!" "Movies Are Better Than Ever": (It's Ed's birthday and Ralph wants to get off cheaply.) Alice: "Ed took you to the Kit Kat Klub on your birthday." Ralph: 'Did I ask him?" Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa Cabana." "Petticoat Jungle": Ralph: "You are going to wear the bathing suit that I gave you." Alice: "I can't wear that suit Ralph. It has a hole in the knee." "In Twenty-Five Words Or Less": Ralph: "Fix my supper." Alice (grabbing the dog food): "All right Rex. Have a meatball."