A Touch of Silver *NOW COMPLETE*

[ZeldaGilroy]

Okay...this is my prequel-sequel based on my last fic The Sequel 2008 Are you happy LoveMrsG? It has a real title.

I was up half the night because I had dental surgery yesterday and the painkillers they gave me made me wired. I've never had that happen before with pain meds, but since I was up I decided to write. I looked it over today, and I don't think my mind was altered too badly since the story makes sense to me. So I decided to post what I have so far.

I can't promise to post freqently on this one, but hopefully it won't take a year and a half to finish.
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Monday, February 25, 2013 (10:45 AM)

Jo coughed as she pushed open the attic door, breathing in the old dust and dirt in the messy room. Years ago, when they had moved back to Peekskill from California all of their needless mementos had been boxed and stored up here and over the years more and more items that weren’t needed but they couldn’t manage to part with had joined the filthy, cluttered mess. Other than the once a year trip to bring down the Christmas tree or put it away, Jo never bothered to come up here anymore. Looking around she remembered why. “We need to clean this room out,” she said to herself as she stepped over boxes and nearly tripped over Erick’s old train set. “What a mess.”

She sat in a rickety old chair and started rummaging through the boxes. The first one had Jamie’s baby clothes, so she knew it wasn’t the right one. Pushing it aside she reached for the next box and then the next. Her hands were covered with gray dust and she wiped them on her jeans leaving grimy marks on the denim, “This is a lost cause,” she sighed unhappily. Then she sneezed, her allergies aggravated by the dust. “I give up,” she said miserably and made her way back to the door, stopping when she tripped and knocked over another box. She almost stepped over the mess of books and papers that had fallen out of the box, but something made her stop. If she ever wanted to clean the attic out it would help if she at least had everything in boxes and not strewn around the room in a heaping mess. As she picked up the books and random papers she noticed a book, dark blue leather with silver trim and her name engraved on the cover. She smiled. This was what she had been looking for and part of her was afraid to even open it. She ran her finger across the beaten leather cover and smiled, “Happy Anniversary,” she whispered.

Monday, February 25, 2013 (12:30 PM)

“Mommy…we’re home!” Julia rushed into the kitchen and grabbed her mother around the waist. “Ewww…you’re yucky. Why are your jeans so dirty?”

Jo knelt down and smiled at her daughter, “I was in the attic. I was looking for something and got a little sidetracked cleaning up.” She kissed her daughter on the cheek, “I missed my girls all morning. Where’s Joanna Hope?”

“In the living room with Jamie,” Julia smiled. She skipped into the living room, her dark blond hair bouncing in pig-tails.

Jo followed her into the living room and grinned as she watched Jamie helping Joanna Hope out of her coat. “Hey…how was preschool today?” she asked and Joanna Hope ran to her and hugged her tight.

“Mama,” she said softly. “I missed you.” She looked like she might cry and Jo picked her up and held her close. Going to school every day, even for a half-day had been a big adjustment for Joanna Hope. She hated being away from her mother, even for such a short time.

Jo kissed her softly, “I missed you too sweetie,” she whispered. “But you’re a big girl. Big girls go to school.” She sat her down on the couch and sat next to her pulling the little girl close to her. Julia climbed up beside them. “What did you learn at school today?”

“Nothing,” Julia said bluntly. “But we played a lot. I was in the play-doh center and me and Cody made play-doh cookies and then he tried to eat one.” The little girl laughed hysterically and couldn’t seem to contain herself.

“That’s awful,” Jamie said as she sat next to them. “Why would he eat play-doh?”

“They looked like real cookies,” Julia giggled. “Aunt Natalie is gonna be mad at him…huh? The teacher called her and now Cody’s gonna be in trouble.”

“Why would you laugh about your friend getting in trouble Julia?” Jo asked sternly. “That’s not nice at all young lady.”

“Sorry Mommy,” Julia’s face saddened. She hated it when anyone was upset with her. Then she smiled, trying to appease her mother, “Joanna Hope colored lots of pictures today. They’re real pretty.”

“Did you?” Jo smiled at her daughter and Joanna Hope nodded her head. Then she rushed over and pulled a few pages from her book bag and gave them to her mother. The pages were splattered with color, nothing really in the lines and no method to the madness. Jo smiled anyway and spoke encouragingly to her daughter, “Wow…you worked so hard on these didn’t you?” Joanna Hope nodded and smiled. “I can tell,” Jo winked at her. “I love it when you work so hard sweetie.”

“I’m hungry,” Joanna Hope said quickly and Jo looked at her watch and noticed it was past lunch time.

Jo looked pleadingly at her oldest daughter, “Would you mind making them some sandwiches?” She asked as she stood from the couch. “I have to take a shower. Your dad is coming home tonight and I doubt he wants to see me covered in dust and grime.”

Jamie laughed, “Sure mom…I’ll make them lunch. You take a shower.” She took the girls by the hand and walked them out of the room. Jo looked at her girls and couldn’t seem to wipe the smile off her face. She loved them all so much. Jamie had grown into a remarkable woman. She walked with a slight limp, the result of an accident she’d had in college, but unless someone knew about the accident or watched closely it wasn’t even noticeable. Jo was proud of how she had overcome so many obstacles, surgeries, physical therapy, to become the independent woman she was today. It hadn’t been easy for her, but when Jamie set her mind to something there was no stopping her. And the little girls, they were simply beautiful. The girls had the same long hair and it was the same shade of dark blond. They were almost the same height, but Joanna Hope was maybe an inch taller. The biggest difference was that Julia’s eyes were a sparkling green and Joanna Hope’s were a golden brown. Jo and Rick laughed at times because at four years old, the girls looked much more like twins than they had ever expected they would. Unless someone knew the truth, they never suspected that the girls weren’t even blood relatives. And luckily, the girls didn’t think there was anything strange about them either.

Monday, February 25, 2013 (1:00PM)

Jo stepped out of the shower and wrapped herself in a towel. It had been a long day, but she didn’t have time for a long shower. She had too much to do. She had taken the day off of work. She normally worked half-days, in the morning, so she could spend the afternoon with the twins when they were home from preschool. But she had made the decision to take the whole week off work this week. After all, Rick was coming home from a concert tour and he had been gone over a month. Besides, Wednesday was their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and she planned to enjoy every moment of this romantic milestone with her husband.

She had just slipped into clean slacks and a sweater when she heard screaming from the kitchen. She rushed out of the room and down the hall, hoping everything was alright. She closed her eyes and sighed in defeat when she found Joanna Hope screaming and crying while Jamie tried to soothe her. Jo walked over to the little girl and knelt beside her, “Hey…what’s all this fuss about?”

Joanna Hope continued to cry but wouldn’t answer. Jo tried not to get frustrated with her. All of the doctors said they were lucky her developmental damage wasn’t worse, but Joanna Hope had a hard time communicating and often ended up in full-blown tantrums when she couldn’t get her point across. It was tiring. “Calm down,” Jo tried to soothe her. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

The little girl continued to cry, but stopped screaming. She pointed at her sandwich and sniffled. Jo looked at the peanut butter sandwich Jamie had made for the little girl and nodded knowingly, “She doesn’t like peanut butter,” Jo reminded her. “She won’t eat it.”

“Oh I forgot,” Jamie exclaimed. She hugged her little sister, “I’m sorry Joanna Hope. You should’ve told me you didn’t like it.”

“I’ll eat it,” Julia grinned as she finished the last bite of her own sandwich. “Can I have it? I’m still hungry.”

Jo rolled her eyes, “You are a bottomless pit,” she teased. “Yes, you can have it.” She handed the sandwich to Julia who took a large bite of it. Then Jo looked at Joanna Hope and spoke seriously, “You need to tell Jamie you’re sorry. You were not very nice to her.” Jamie handed the little girl a bologna sandwich instead, but Jo grabbed it away. “Joanna Hope…tell Jamie you are sorry for not being nice.”

The little girl sniffled and wiped her eyes, “Sorry Jamie,” she whispered. Jo handed her the bologna sandwich and the little girl ate it happily.

“Thanks Jamie,” Jo said seriously. “I know you have a lot going on and I appreciate you taking the time to pick them up at school today and hang around here to make lunch.” She sighed, “Sorry for all the trouble.”

“No trouble,” Jamie insisted. She pointed over to the blue and silver book on the counter, “Mom…what is that?”

Jo looked at the book. She had forgotten she left it there and she really didn’t want Jamie to read it. She wondered if her daughter had opened the book, “It’s a journal,” Jo answered. “Did you open it?”

“No,” Jamie answered. “You have a journal?” she asked skeptically. “That doesn’t seem like you at all.”

“It’s old,” Jo assured her. “Believe me; I wouldn’t have the time to keep a journal now even if I wanted to. Your dad gave it to me. It was a wedding present.”

“Dad gave you a journal for a wedding present?” Jamie laughed. “He was quite the romantic,” she teased.

“That’s kind of what I thought at the time,” Jo chuckled. “But it was sweet. Really. He knew he was going to be gone a lot, on tour, and he wanted me to write down everything I was thinking and feeling for the whole first year we were married. He said he wanted to read it on our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.”

“Awe, that is sweet,” Jamie smiled. “So that’s why you were in the attic all morning?”

Jo nodded. She didn’t want to tell Jamie that Rick had asked to read it a long time ago. After Jamie was born Jo had given up writing in the journal for lack of time, and Rick asked over and over if he could read what she had written. She didn’t have the heart to show it to him then. She had never wanted to write in the journal in the first place, but once she started she had written some things she wanted to forget. So early in their marriage, she wasn’t sure Rick could handle some of the things she had written. She had been angry with him, hurt, upset a lot of the time. Of course there were happy things too, but she was sure the bad would outshine the good. She packed it away in a box and told him she’d lost it. He was upset, but quickly forgot about it. “I think your dad will be surprised,” Jo said honestly.

Jamie nodded, “Can I read it?” she asked.

“Not right now,” Jo insisted. “This is private…between me and your dad. Okay?”

Jamie understood, “Sure Mom,” she hugged her mother and grabbed her coat. “I have to go meet Tisha. She has ‘big news.’” Jamie laughed. “I’ll come by later though to say hi to Dad.”

“Alright sweetie,” Jo waved as she left. Then she picked up the journal and carried it to the bedroom. She opened up the nightstand and put it carefully in the drawer. No one else needed to see it.

Monday, February 25, 2013 (7:45 PM)

The house was quiet, finally. The kids had gone to spend the night with Natalie and Snake and Jo was grateful for the evening alone with her husband. Rick was expected home any minute. He had called earlier to say his plane had landed safely and he was boarding the train to Peekskill. Jo looked at herself in the mirror. She pinched her cheeks, trying to make them more colorful without having to resort to make-up. She laughed when she realized Blair had taught her that trick thirty-some years ago and she was still using it. She hated to wear make-up if she didn’t have to, and although she certainly didn’t look twenty-five anymore, she didn’t look ready for the old-folks home either. She thought about putting on a little make-up, but then she heard the front door open and decided it was too late anyway.

She rushed into the living room and Rick smiled when he saw her. “You made it,” she hugged him and he kissed her gently. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” he smiled. “I hate being away from you and the kids. You know that.” He pulled her into another embrace and held her close to him. “Where are the kids?”

“They are spending the night with Nat,” Jo said slyly as she pulled him towards the bedroom. “I thought you’d like some time alone…just the two of us.”

“Really?” Rick asked in surprise. “What did you have in mind?”

Jo giggled and smirked, “It is almost our anniversary you know,” she teased. “I thought maybe we could celebrate.”

“I am all for that,” he kissed her again as they sat on the bed. “But our anniversary is a couple of days away. Why the early celebration?”

“Are you complaining?” Jo teased.

“No,” Rick laughed. “Just curious.”

“I have something for you,” Jo whispered. “A present.”

“A present?” Rick asked. “Why? Save it for Wednesday. I haven’t picked up your gift yet.”

“I don’t care,” Jo assured him. “I want you to have this now. “ She reached over and pulled the book from the nightstand. She handed it to him and waited for realization to hit, but it didn’t.

“It’s a book,” Rick said with confusion. “Thanks…”

“It’s not just a book,” Jo reminded him. “You gave me that book. Twenty-five years ago…on our wedding day.”

Rick’s eyes widened as he stared at the dark blue leather and the silver trim, “I thought you lost this? I wanted to read it, but you said it was lost.”

“I lied,” Jo said softly.

“Why would you lie to me about a book?” Rick asked. “And if you were going to lie, why give it to me now?” He shrugged, “Jo…you really confuse me sometimes.”

“I was scared for you to read it back then,” Jo admitted. “Journal writing was never my thing. I’m not a writer and I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of you reading what I wrote.”

“I never expected it to be award-winning literature,” Rick laughed. “I just wanted to know the things I missed out on when I was on tour. I wasn’t home full-time until what…the end of December? I missed a lot. I thought this could keep us connected.”

“You said you wanted to read it on our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary,” Jo reminded him.

Rick sighed, “I lied too. I only told you that so you’d use it and be honest. I thought I’d be able to convince you to let me read it when I got back from the tour. I should have been more honest with you.”

“I would never have been honest in it if I thought you were going to read it,” Jo admitted. “That’s why when you asked to see it before, I said I’d lost it. There are some things in there I am not proud to have written.”

“Like what?” Rick asked and he started the flip through the pages, but Jo quickly closed the book.

“I want you to read it now, because I know we can handle any emotions it stirs up,” Jo said honestly. “We’ve been through so much together, I can’t imagine my life without you. But Rick…you should know that I was really confused back then. I thought…there were times I thought I’d made a huge mistake.”

Rick looked confused, “But you said you wouldn’t have written it if you thought I would read it. You didn’t plan to give it to me on our twenty-fifth anniversary? Why did you even keep it?”

“I don’t know,” Jo said truthfully. “As a reminder I guess. I wasn’t sure we would still be together now.”

“What?” Rick asked.”You didn’t want to be married to me?” He tried not to sound hurt and he wondered why Jo would bring all of this up now when they were about to celebrate this milestone in their marriage. “Why are you giving this to me now?”

“Because, you deserve to know the truth,” Jo said gently. “And because I love you and I want you to know that I always have.”

“Sure, you loved me so much when we were first married and you were planning our divorce,” Rick shook his head in defeat and frustration. “You know…this is not a happy welcome home. You said you wanted to celebrate. Do you take pleasure in torturing me like this because this is hurtful Jo.”

“I’m not trying to hurt you,” Jo leaned against him. “I love you more than anything. I can’t imagine my life without you. But I was scared back then. And I’ve kept that to myself for a lot of years. It’s a secret that has eaten at me for more than two decades and I just want it out in the open. Please read it and keep an open mind…okay?”

Rick looked at her pleading eyes and let out a deep sigh. He kissed her softly, “Okay,” he whispered. “I’ll read it and I’ll keep an open mind.”

“I’ll go start something for dinner,” Jo stood from the bed. “If you want to talk about anything in the journal, I’ll be in the kitchen.”

“I’m going to want to talk about this?” Rick asked. “How bad is it?”

“It’s not bad,” Jo promised. “It’s a love story.”

Rick opened the book to the first page and stared at his wife’s handwriting scribbled across the page, “Happy Anniversary to me,” he sarcastically whispered.

[LoveMrsG]

I LOVE IT!!!!!!! You are off to a GREAT start!!!! I LOVED the update with Joanna Hope and Julia and Jamie...I loved seeing how they all were doing, and I'm so relieved Jamie is okay from the accident, for the most part anyway. And Joanna Hope does have some problems but she seems to be doing a lot better than everyone expected, and I'm happy for that too. I also really loved seeing Jo more fulfilled and more well-rounded of a person. She really seems to be doing better with a lot of her guilt/self-esteem issues.

Now...about the title...all I can say is...



YOU CAME UP WITH AN ACTUAL TITLE?????



LOL, you KNOW I had to mess with you! A Touch of Silver...it's beautiful!!!! I can tell that you're a lot happier with this story...everything just seems so much more fresh. Don't get me wrong. Your sequel was wonderful and we all loved it, but I could sense you were really getting worn out on it. Everything here is just so fresh and brand new and exciting. I'm really looking forward to your next chapter. Excellent!

[ZeldaGilroy]

^ LOL! Glad you like the story so far LoveMrsG! I am excited about this fic and if I can get it written more quickly than the other one I won't get burnt out on it.

There will be more updates as the fic goes on. And the the title will come into play as well.

Thanks again for the nice comments!!! I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply!

[Nighthawk76]

A great start! I think its a interesting idea to start the story in the future. The first sentence was very visual. I could see Jo in my mind entering the dusty attic. I also like the title.

[ZeldaGilroy]

Originally Posted by Shine

A great start! I think its a interesting idea to start the story in the future. The first sentence was very visual. I could see Jo in my mind entering the dusty attic. I also like the title.

Thanks Mike! I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply. I am going to try to be more visual with this fic and not just write dialogue (which we all know I ALWAYS resort to doing. ) I'm glad you like it so far.

[Nighthawk76]

Originally Posted by FactsFan

Thanks Mike! I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply. I am going to try to be more visual with this fic and not just write dialogue (which we all know I ALWAYS resort to doing. ) I'm glad you like it so far.

It worked. You had me interested right after reading that first sentence. I was wondering what Jo was going to find up there.

[ZeldaGilroy]

Saturday, February 27, 1988

Dear Diary…No, that makes me sound like a twelve year old.

Dear Journal…Oh yeah, that’s better…UGH!

Dear…I don’t know. This is stupid. What the heck am I doing writing in this dumb journal anyway? I know Rick thinks he is being romantic, but this was the stupidest gift ever. I have no intention of writing in this thing everyday or even every week. God, he doesn’t know me at all.

Okay…starting over. No “dear anything, anyone, anyhow.” Just me, putting down my thoughts as quickly as I can so my husband will be happy I took this ridiculous gift seriously. Husband…that word sounds so foreign to me, and yet here I am wearing a wedding ring and waiting for my “husband” to get back from the store. It’s our wedding night for crying out loud and he decides to go to the store. I guess I’m glad, cause I’m not ready for this. Maybe he won’t even come back. God Jo, you are being an idiot…of course he will come back. You want him to come back. That’s why you are laying here dressed (or undressed) in this frilly white-lace negligee Blair insisted on buying for a wedding gift. Oh, I can’t do this. I just can’t. What the heck is wrong with me? I love him…right? I married him.

Alright, starting over again. I am waiting for Rick to come back from the store with champagne (he insists on champagne, but I’d be happy with a six pack.) All I know is he better have something with some form of alcohol in it because I need something to calm my nerves. This is not how I expected to feel at all. I was fine until this morning when my mother told me how excited she was for me and Blair made such a fuss over my dress and my hair and Nat and Tootie couldn’t stop jumping for joy with excitement. That’s when I realized the hoopla was all for me because I was about to give up my life and change who I am and be someone’s wife…and I was supposed to be looking forward to that. Then Rick came in and told me he had to leave tomorrow and he wanted to postpone the wedding. I just couldn’t do that because I knew if I agreed to postpone it I would back out and I couldn’t do that to him. I do love him. I don’t want to hurt him. So I agreed to a one-night honeymoon and instead of hunting for apartments tomorrow like we planned, I will be at the train station saying good-bye to my husband. “Husband” that word makes my pulse race.

So, after the wedding we came to the honeymoon suite of the Westchester Hotel. It’s nice enough. I don’t really care if it’s fancy, but at least it’s clean. There isn’t a lot to choose from when you take your honeymoon in Peekskill. Blair says we should have honeymooned in Hawaii and that made me laugh because by the time Rick and I can afford to go to Hawaii we’ll be too old to enjoy it. This is fine. At least he picked the nice hotel in town. We could have been across town at the shabby Peekskill Motel. Once we got here and Rick unlocked the door he insisted on carrying me over the threshold. Then we looked around the room and talked about how nice it was. There is free shampoo in the bathroom and the TV has 15 channels. Of course Rick made a joke about how we were not going to watch TV tonight and then he gave me this journal. I must have looked confused because he laughed and said he didn’t expect us to sit around writing all night either, but that he wanted me to have the journal so I could write about anything and everything that happens while he is on tour. Then he told me that if his tour goes well over the next month, he will most likely be added to the orchestra full-time and that means he will be gone for six months or more. He wondered if I was upset about it, and I told him I was fine with it. And I think I am fine with it. It will give me time to adjust to being someone’s wife. Plus I can look for a nice apartment while he’s gone and maybe we can start our life together on a more positive note. It will be okay.

Maybe this journal wasn’t such a bad idea. I feel better since I got my feelings out. But I will never be able to show this page to Rick. I’ll tear it out after he leaves tomorrow. I don’t want him to know how nervous and upset I was tonight. He said he wants to read it on our 25th wedding anniversary. I can’t imagine being married to him that long. That’s wrong isn’t it? Maybe this was a mistake…a big mistake.

I hear his keys outside the door. Time to put on a happy face. I can’t let him know I’m scared…not now. He’s leaving tomorrow anyway and then I’ll have more time to think things through.

Love, (is that how you sign these things? Probably not…I am so bad at this!)
Jo

[ZeldaGilroy]

Here is some more. I am trying to get through all the journal entries that would be related to season 9 episodes and then I will branch out a little and take the story in my own direction.

Saturday, March 5, 1988

Okay, so it’s been a week. I can’t seem to make myself write in this thing. It’s just not me. I tried to explain that to Rick before he left last week, but he wouldn’t listen. He said he bought this journal because it was genuine leather and would withstand the test of time. He said the silver trim reminded him that one day we would celebrate our “silver anniversary” and he thought it would have significant meaning to read the journal then and see how far we had come from today. I asked him why he didn’t buy it for himself and he said he didn’t have the time or patience to write in it everyday. What the heck does that mean? Does he really think I have a lot of free time on my hands? I have a job…a real job. I don’t get to travel all over the country on some vacation disguised as work and play piano for a couple of hours every night to make a living. Heck…I wish I could. But I have to go to the center everyday and try to help people who sometimes don’t even want my help and turn to Blair for my salary. It’s not easy…but I have time to write in this dumb journal and he doesn’t? He is so selfish sometimes.

On a brighter note, he sent me flowers today. It was sweet. I don’t really like flowers, but I’m not sure he even knows that. I don’t know that it has ever come up. So how can I fault him for that? They are pretty and at least they are better than the gift Tootie got from Jeff tonight. He gave her an ugly pendant that belonged to his grandmother. It looks like a dead animal lying on her chest. Of course she is going to pretend like she just loves it. That’s where Tootie and I are different. I would never pretend to like something like that just to make Rick happy…or would I? I am writing in the journal even though I don’t want to. But that’s different. I told him I didn’t want to, and he didn’t care. I just realized…that’s even worse. Maybe I’ll ask Sandy what she thinks about all of this when I go to work Monday. She’s become a pretty good friend and I think I can trust her. I can’t talk to Blair, Nat, or Tootie about this. They are too close to the situation. That wouldn’t be good for anybody.

Jo


Saturday, March 12, 1988

I want to cry. I just want to curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably. But how would that look? I’m supposed to be stronger than that.

My friend Sandy tried to kill herself yesterday afternoon. And it was all my fault. How can I deal with something like this? Sandy was really going out of her way to show me the ropes, help me find my way in social work. She let me sit in on her group sessions and even asked me to help with one of the teenagers, a girl named Melissa. But I screwed it up and I upset Melissa. She ran off and Sandy couldn’t take the stress of losing another kid to mental illness. So she climbed out on the ledge of her office building and tried to jump. Climbing up on that ledge with her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I was scared to death and my whole life flashed before my eyes. I had just gotten off the phone with Rick and we were talking about things…intimate things…and as I stood up there on that ledge I realized I might never see him again and all I wanted was for him to hold me or come and save me. How is that for me being an independent woman…faced with death and I am dreaming of my knight in shining armor rushing to my rescue.

Well Rick didn’t come obviously…he was in Toledo. But Blair showed up and made things worse by thinking I was the one who wanted to jump. I admit she said some sweet things to me, some unexpected things, but she also told Sandy not to jump because “dead people can’t shop.” What the hell is wrong with her? This was a serious situation and all Blair can come up with is that dead people can’t go to Bloomingdales. She is an embarrassment to humankind sometimes.

Finally Sandy decided to come inside on her own. It was a huge relief to me. I was so afraid of losing her and if she had jumped off that ledge I don’t know what I would have done. I would never have forgiven myself. It would have been my fault. I am supposed to help people and I didn't even recognize that Sandy was hurting like this. I want to be a social worker, but as Sandy pointed out to me on the ledge yesterday, I am not trained for it. I should have just taken a job teaching 4th grade somewhere, but no…I got myself into this and now my desire to help is so strong that I can’t deny it anymore. But I am scared to death of ending up like Sandy someday…someone who has given her all to others and has no one to rely on when she needs help. If Sandy had died yesterday, a part of me would have died with her. Maybe a part of me died anyway...I just don’t feel like myself anymore.

I’m all alone here tonight. Blair went to a fundraiser with Casey. They broke up, but still go to work-related parties together to beg for donations. Nat is out with Snake and Tootie is at rehearsal. Beverly Ann took Andy and Pippa to the movies. They asked me to go, but I knew I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy it. I wish Rick was home. He is the only person who can make me laugh when I feel this bad. Maybe I’ll call him at the hotel later.

Jo

[ZeldaGilroy]

Wednesday, March 16, 1988

Rick just called to tell me he isn’t coming home on the 26th like he was supposed to. His tour has been extended and now he isn’t coming home until the beginning of May. I’ve been looking for an apartment, but there is nothing here we can afford. I don’t know what we are going to do, but I am kind of relieved he will be gone longer because it gives me more time to search. We sure as heck are not staying here.

We also talked about me going back to school. I found some night classes I can take through the state and I can have my social workers license in six months. Rick said I should do it if I want to and I think I want to. I went to see Sandy at the hospital today and she was actually smiling. I think she feels better. She thanked me for helping her and I didn’t know what to say. How could I not help her? I really hope she gets better and can go on and lead a happy life.

Jo


Saturday, March 19, 1988

Wow…two times in one week. I am starting to get the hang of this journal thing. I spent the day looking at apartments and still nothing. I don’t know what to do. We have to find a place to live. Ma called and suggested we move back to the Bronx and take an apartment in her building. She talked to Balducci and he said we could have it if we want it. I had to turn her down though. I don’t think Rick could survive the Bronx.

Natalie surprised everyone today. She came home from a trip to SoHo and announced she is moving out. I can’t believe it, but I am happy for her. She needs the chance to be on her own and I think she’ll love it there. She’s outgrown living here in the house with all of us. But look who’s talking…I am a married woman and I am still living here. Blair suggested that Tootie move in with her and Rick and I take Nat and Tootie’s room, but I wouldn’t feel right about it. We have to make it on our own. Thank goodness it’s just the two of us…we can find a small place, even a studio apartment would be fine. We can sleep on a pullout or the floor…anything.

I have to admit I am still nervous about Rick coming home, but I am excited too. I do love him. Maybe when he gets home we can find an apartment together. I am scared he will try to talk me into a place we can’t afford though. He doesn’t seem to understand finances. Maybe he’s never been poor like I have. Maybe he just doesn’t care if he is financially secure. I don’t know if I can risk waiting for him before finding a place. He’s really good at talking me into things even when I know it’s a bad idea. I will just have to search high and low before he comes home. But I am starting those classes next week so who knows how much time I’ll have. Life is way too complicated.

Jo



Saturday, April 30, 1988

So I haven’t written in this thing in over a month, but Rick called tonight and asked me about it so I figured I should write something. Besides, things are pretty exciting around here right now so I have a lot to write. First of all, I really like the classes I am taking and I expect to be done by September so I am on my way to being a fully licensed social worker. Which is good news because Casey turned in his resignation last week and so now we don’t have anyone licensed to run the center and I am doing it with a provisional license which we can only do for a short time.

Secondly, Blair is broke. I am serious. She spent all of her money to buy Eastland. It was going to close down and she had to save it. It was always her one true home and she couldn’t stand to see it close. But her father wouldn’t help her so she used all of her money to buy the place and is actually going to try to run it herself. I am proud of her. I wasn’t actually sure I’d ever say that about Blair, but it’s true (and I am only admitting this now because I know she will never read this!) She’s doing something that means something for once.

I just realized something…if Blair has to spend all of her time at Eastland, she will be home even less. This just keeps getting better and better. Actually Rick is coming home next week anyway, so I won’t be here so I guess it doesn’t matter. Speaking of which…no apartment yet. Maybe we will have to move to the Bronx. The way Rick runs his mouth I’ll be a widow in no time. Can’t let that happen, so I guess I should go look through the paper again for available apartments.

Jo

[Nighthawk76]

I like how you have the 1988 scenes written as journal entries. I know that was your plan from the start, and I think you pulled it off well. I also like how the story takes places at different points in the lives of the characters.

[ZeldaGilroy]

Originally Posted by Shine

I like how you have the 1988 scenes written as journal entries. I know that was your plan from the start, and I think you pulled it off well. I also like how the story takes places at different points in the lives of the characters.

Thanks Mike. I am so glad you like it. This fic is turning out better than I expected. I was a little unsure of the back and forth storyline, but it is actually kind of fun to write that way. I don't get tied to one storyline and can take a break and work on the other one. I'm enjoying it. Here is some more.

Tuesday, May10, 1988

Things are crazy here. Pippa left yesterday to go back to Australia even though the school term isn’t over. Her father is sick and she got special permission to take her finals early and leave. It’s kind of strange around here without her. Blair is staying at Eastland until she can rehire all the staff she needs to manage the dorms and run the place. Nat is safe and sound in SoHo and Tootie left this morning for Europe. I swear, everyone has moved out but me. Rick came home Saturday and we still haven’t found an apartment so I guess we are just going to stay here a while. Beverly Ann said we can stay as long as we need to, and Andy loves having Rick around, but I just don’t feel right about it. We need our own place. We need privacy. Rick is very physical and I get a little embarrassed around everyone else.

I guess we will stay here for now though, especially because Rick got a phone call and the orchestra does want him to accompany full-time. He’s leaving again next week. He’ll get a week or so off here and there, but he will pretty much be gone until November or December. I guess since I have to finish classes and everything it makes sense to stay here a while longer. I just hate to feel like we are imposing.

Rick is looking over my shoulder. He wanted me to write in this journal, but he can’t seem to give me the privacy to do it. I guess I should stop writing because we are still newlyweds and I think we have better things to do than sit in bed and write all night. At least I’m not nervous anymore. I’m going to miss him next week when he leaves. But I have to admit I am looking forward to things getting back to normal. I have to start studying for my class or I will never pass and Rick can’t seem to understand that. He says he does understand, but he has missed me so much he can’t keep his hands off of me. I guess that should be a compliment, and I’ll take it as one as long as I don’t get an F.

Jo

Monday, February 25, 2013 (9:00PM)

Rick sat the journal on the nightstand and closed his eyes. He had been looking forward to coming home and celebrating his anniversary with the woman he loved, but he hadn’t expected this. He and Jo had been through a lot in their twenty-five years together, and nothing could change that. But sitting here and reading, in her own words how she questioned her decision to marry him, how she wondered how they’d ever make it twenty-five years was hard to swallow and it made him think long and hard on their life together.

He knew Jo had been scared to get married. They had only been dating a little over a month when he had popped the question. At first she’d said she couldn’t decide right away, she needed time to think, but he hadn’t let up and decided to go ahead with the wedding plans. He knew she’d come around. He had never met anyone like her and she had changed his life for the better the first time he saw her at the center. It was love at first sight, and even though he knew Jo was not the kind of person to believe in something like that, he did. He loved her…there was never a question in his mind.

It hadn’t really taken much to convince Jo that he was the right guy for her. All he had to do was promise to get a job and be responsible and he had every intention of doing that. He was older than Jo, seven years older, but their age difference never came into play. The biggest concern Jo had was that he refused to grow up; life was fun and games to him. Rick had thought she was uptight, he could help her loosen up, realize you didn’t have to scrimp and save every penny. Maybe that was why she had been so afraid…maybe she was scared they would never have the stability she longed for. Then why had she married him at all.

“Dinner’s ready,” Jo peered her head around the corner and Rick opened his eyes to look at her. “Are you okay?” she asked nervously. “You look upset.”

“Well it’s not every day a man realizes that his wife spent their honeymoon thinking about how to get out of the marriage,” he answered bitterly. “God Jo…if you hated me that much why the hell didn’t you just leave me at the altar?”

Jo walked over to the bed and sat next to him, “I loved you,” she said seriously. “I still do. You know that.”

“Really? You loved me?” Rick asked sarcastically. He picked up the journal, “I am barely into this thing and I’ve already read that you were scared to get married, you thought my wedding gift was stupid, I didn’t understand you, and that you were happy I went on tour so you didn’t have to be with me. Yeah Jo…that just screams love.”

“I loved you,” Jo insisted. “Yes…I was scared. I questioned if I made the right decision. But that was only because I wasn’t used to having someone love me the way you did and I wasn't used to sharing my life with someone that way. I had always been my own person and becoming half of a married couple scared the hell out of me. Rick you know me…I would never have married you if I didn’t love you. I saw what my parent’s marriage was like. I would never have wanted us to end up like that. That’s why I had to keep questioning if I had made the right choice. But I knew I did…that’s why we’re still together.”

“I just don’t understand why you want me to read this now,” Rick said sadly. “Jo…we are finally at a place where we are happy. We have enough money to live on, the kids are all healthy and happy, we aren’t dealing with any kind of tragedy or impending doom. Why do you want to mess with that?”

“Rick, you know I am happy now. I think going to therapy together after the twins were born was the best thing that ever happened to our relationship. It strengthened us…made us realize how much we really need each other,” Jo leaned against him and he held her close. “But when you gave me that journal on our wedding day, you said it would be fun in the future to see how far we came from where we were. And I don’t know if it’s fun, but I do think its important. Maybe we can appreciate the people we used to be and realize why we fell in love in the first place.” She kissed him softly and smiled a weak smile, “I’m sorry for some of the things I wrote in there. Half the time I was just venting my frustrations because I didn’t have any other way to get out how I was feeling. I know I said the journal was a stupid gift, but I don’t know if I would have made it through that year without it.”

“Really?” Rick asked. “You think it helped?”

Jo nodded, “Yeah…I know it did. It’s funny, I never wanted to go to therapy or get the help I needed when I was so depressed, but I was glad when I finally did. And it’s kind of the same with the journal. I guess you could say it was my therapy back then…and it helped me more than I would have imagined.”

“I’m glad it helped you,” Rick kissed her on the cheek. “You want to know a secret? I didn’t plan to get this for you. I wanted to get you this gorgeous silver bracelet and I went to the department store and found out there was no way I could afford it. They had these journals at the counter and the salesman suggested I give it to you and tell you that the silver reminded me that we would be celebrating a silver anniversary someday. It was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard, but I didn’t want to start our married life without giving you something special, so I bought it. I couldn’t afford anything else. I knew you’d hate it, but I hoped by some miracle you wouldn’t hate me for giving it to you.”

“You knew I wouldn’t like it?” Jo asked.

“Yeah…but the store was closing and I had about fifteen minutes to get to your house for my bachelor party with your dad and Andy and the guys. I was in a hurry, so I let the salesman talk me into it,” Rick sighed. “Stupid…huh?”

“No,” Jo smiled. “It was sweet. And I’m glad you bought it. I probably would have lost the bracelet by now anyway. I’ve kept the journal all these years.”

“I want to finish reading it,” Rick said honestly. “But you have to tell me…am I going to be upset about anything else? “

“Probably,” Jo said honestly. “It was a long year Rick. You know that as well as I do.” She stood up from the bed and led him to the door, “Let’s go eat dinner, and then you can get back to reading if you want.”

“Alright, but when are we going to start this anniversary celebration?” Rick teased. “I thought that was why you sent the kids to Nat’s for the night.”

Jo laughed, “Okay…dinner and our celebration. You can read more in the morning if you want.”

Rick kissed her softly on the lips, “Deal,” he whispered.

[ZeldaGilroy]

Tuesday, February 26, 2013 (6:45 AM)

Rick woke up and looked at his wife sleeping next to him. Reading her journal last night had brought back a flood of memories, but it did bother him that his recollection of their early married life didn’t mimic what she had written in the journal. Sure they’d had problems. What newlywed couple didn’t? They’d needed time to get to know one another better, to understand what they each wanted out of life. But he never looked at it as a bad thing until now. He hadn’t realized Jo was scared or unhappy. Maybe he had pushed her too hard to get married?

He smiled when his wife turned over and buried her head deeper under the covers. She always wanted to snuggle up like that, curled in a warm little ball. He remembered their first morning waking up together. Jo was shivering in the lace negligee she had worn to bed and she had stolen all of his covers in the night. He remembered telling her then and there that if she got cold at night she should cuddle up with him instead of the blankets. He was her husband after all. And after that day Jo had always made an effort to do that. But even now, after twenty-five years, there would still be chilly winter nights when she would steal all of the blankets and leave him freezing in a heap on his side of the bed. That was obviously something that would never change.

Rick didn’t want to wake Jo up. It was rare she had a day where she could sleep in without having to get up early to go to work or get the kids to school. And they did have a late night celebrating their upcoming anniversary. He reached over to the nightstand and picked up the journal. Maybe he could read a few more entries before Jo woke up. Maybe he could dig deeper into her mind and discover more about the person she was back then. Maybe it would help him understand more about who she was right now. He hoped so anyway.

Saturday, May 14, 1988

Rick’s gone. He left first thing this morning. He is going to be touring mostly in Florida, but he did mention a concert in New York City in a few weeks. He said he’d try to get the understudy to cover for him so he could come and see me. That’ll be nice.

Beverly Ann thinks it is a great idea for me to stay here while Rick is on tour. She said the house will be lonely without all of us girls here. She really misses Pippa. They were pretty close and since Pippa’s gone home to Australia, Bev’s been lost. Also Andy is planning to go away with Jeremy for a few weeks this summer, so that won’t help either. Since Natalie moved out and Tootie’s in Europe, there isn’t a lot going on around here. Blair is still staying at Eastland, but she did find a headmaster and a dorm monitor to begin in September so she only has to stay until the end of the semester. That’s just a few weeks away and then she will be back here to annoy me just like always…okay, can’t believe I am admitting this…but I guess I sort of miss her. I didn’t notice it as much when Rick was here. But since he left this morning and I’ve been here all alone all day…I’ve noticed. The house isn’t the same without Blair.

Back to me and Rick. We spent so much time together over the past week. I think maybe we spent more time together than we did before we got married. Maybe we should have spent a little more time dating before we jumped into this marriage thing. But it’s okay…I will make this work. Pop hates Rick and I can’t prove him right by letting this marriage fall apart. Besides, things are okay right now and hopefully they’ll continue to be good. Rick loves me and that is important. He wants me to be happy. I want him to be happy too. I’m mostly scared I will not be a good wife. I’m just not used to being part of a team…it’s always been me against the world. Now it’s me and Rick…and I’m not sure we want the same things from this world we’ve set out to conquer.

I have to admit that Rick scared me half to death last night. He was talking about when the tour is over and what he wants to do career wise. He thinks we should move to California and he can make it big there. What the heck? People don’t just move to California and make it big. Does he know that? I told him I like it here. I’ve lived in California and I hated it. I have no intention of going back there. He didn’t even know I had spent all of last summer in California. I guess we have a lot to learn about each other.

Then he said there is probably nothing career wise for him here in Peekskill and I know he’s right. I just didn’t think of it that way before. He said maybe he can play at a bar here in town for a while and we can save the money he makes on tour and live off of it until something better comes along. Then he said maybe in a few years when we have a couple of kids we can move and start a new life for our family someplace fresh and new and exciting.

Kids? A couple of them? I told him hell no. I am not having a baby…not anytime soon. I love kids, but I do not want the responsibility of a child right now. We can barely take care of ourselves. Babies cost money and lots of it. I refuse to bring a child into a relationship that is so new and that I am still unsure of. I was in pain, physical pain, when my parents split up and I would never want to put my child through that. No babies until I am absolutely sure Rick and I will be together ‘til death do us part. I mean it! And then maybe I will agree to one. But one kid is plenty for me. Rick insists he was not thinking about having a baby now. He said he meant years down the road and he agrees we do not have the money for a baby right now. So I feel a little better. Maybe I should go to the doctor and get on the pill. I’m not sure I can leave birth control up to him anymore. Okay, I am probably overreacting. He would have to be out of his mind to think a baby would do anything other complicate our lives and tear us apart right now. Surely he is smarter than that. I’m just not sure.

I don’t trust my husband. That’s bad and I know it. I don’t know what to do.

Jo

[LoveMrsG]

Oh my gosh! B., this is WONDERFUL! I just loved it. You were right. You HAVE been busy! I think it is so interesting reading about the past from Jo's point of view with her journal. I think you are doing an incredible job with this! I'm loving it. I'm loving finding out more of what was going on inside Jo that she didn't like to tell other people. I also thought it was interesting learning what happened to Pippa and what life was like for Beverly Ann with Andy being gone for the summer and all the other girls having moved out, etc. I'm also SERIOUSLY looking forward to Mrs. Garrett's return (that is if you were somehow planning on returning her and Bruce to Peekskill during the story...I always wondered what everybody's reunion with Mrs. Garrett was like and I know they all had to see her before the reunion movie, at least a couple of times or so.) Anyhow, keep up the great work!

[ZeldaGilroy]

Originally Posted by LoveMrsG

Oh my gosh! B., this is WONDERFUL! I just loved it. You were right. You HAVE been busy! I think it is so interesting reading about the past from Jo's point of view with her journal. I think you are doing an incredible job with this! I'm loving it. I'm loving finding out more of what was going on inside Jo that she didn't like to tell other people. I also thought it was interesting learning what happened to Pippa and what life was like for Beverly Ann with Andy being gone for the summer and all the other girls having moved out, etc. I'm also SERIOUSLY looking forward to Mrs. Garrett's return (that is if you were somehow planning on returning her and Bruce to Peekskill during the story...I always wondered what everybody's reunion with Mrs. Garrett was like and I know they all had to see her before the reunion movie, at least a couple of times or so.) Anyhow, keep up the great work!

Aaawwww...you are so sweet. I am glad you like it! I appreciate you taking the time to read it, especially when you have so much going on on your life right now.

Here is some more.

Monday, May 30, 1988

I’ve really let this journal writing thing get away from me. I swear, I don’t mean to neglect it. I thought it was dumb at first, but I have to admit I feel better after I get my thoughts out. I guess this little blue book is like my own personal shrink. No wonder Natalie always loved to write in her diary. My problem is I do not have time. Between work and classes I am stretched pretty thin.

Okay…I’ve calmed down since the last few entries. I need to tear those out because if Rick ever does read those he will be hurt and I don’t want to hurt him. I know he is a good guy. I know I can trust him. I know we are going to be okay. He’s been sending me most of his paycheck every week and I opened a savings account with it. Hopefully we can save enough money that we will be okay financially after the tour is over and he can look for a good job without us having to pack up and move away from here. Plus Blair gave me a raise last week. I was not expecting that, but she got a big donation for the center and used part of it to up my salary. She said I deserved it because I have been running the center by myself and I am very close to finishing the classes to get my official social workers license…only four more months. Honestly though, I wish she had used it to hire someone to help me out at the center instead. I can only do so much, and between the homeless population needing food and clothes and the kids running around there wanting to play or needing tutoring or just wanting a hug…I just don’t know how I am supposed to do all of that by myself. I am exhausted by the time I get home and then I have to turn around and go to class. I know Blair wishes she could hire someone to help me, but I also understand that since she bought Eastland and had to put all of her money into the school, she has to rely strictly on donations for the center. It hasn’t been easy for her to have to do without her usual shopping sprees and lunch dates, but she did mention that her mother decided to set her up with a spending account and she has had an offer from an interested buyer who wants to take over Eastland, so I am sure she will be back to her old self in no time.

Today is Memorial Day. I have to get to the center pretty soon. Blair planned a barbecue for all the people who frequent the center and of course left me in charge of it. I’ll probably smell like charcoal for the next two weeks, but who cares. It will be fun to do something like this for people who rarely have time to relax and enjoy themselves. Plus Blair promised to make an appearance and I will insist she help me out. Andy left this morning to spend part of his summer vacation with Jeremy’s family in Connecticut. Beverly Ann doesn’t know what to do with herself. She is thinking about getting a job. She told me she has been checking the want ads, but there is nothing she is qualified to do. I wonder sometimes if it was such a good idea to close Over Our Heads. At least that gave her a purpose. Maybe she would be interested in volunteering at the center…Lord knows I could use some help. But would Bev be of help or would she be just another lost soul for me to look after? I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it. I’m going to ask her to help at the barbecue today and we’ll see how it goes.

Tootie called this morning. She is having a fabulous time and Jeff met up with her last week. They are busy planning their wedding. They decided to set a date…December 10. She is so excited. I know she and Jeff are in love, but I am a little worried about their decision to get married before Tootie finishes college. I am sure they will do just fine, but I would hate to see Tootie get in too deep. She’s still a kid in a lot of ways. I guess it’s kind of hard for me to picture her as someone’s wife. Heck, it’s hard for me to picture myself as someone’s wife and it’s been three months. Speaking of which, Rick sent me candy for our three month anniversary (I mentioned that flowers are not really my favorite and he remembered that!) I felt bad because I didn’t even remember that it was our anniversary. Who celebrates three months anyway? It was sweet of him though.

I guess I should get to the center and put some hot dogs on the grill. I’m glad Rick left his car here while he’s on tour. I can use it to get supplies to the center. I would never be able to get all the food there on my bike.

Jo



Tuesday, May 31, 1988

I think Bev will actually be a big help at the center. At the barbecue yesterday the kids all loved her and she fit in perfectly with the adults (sure some of them were mental patients, but she connected with them right away and I think that is a real gift.) I asked her to help me out a few days a week and she was excited to have the chance to do something during the day. So she will start volunteering at the center tomorrow.

I have a huge test tomorrow night and I have to study. I can’t get behind in these classes if I want to finish in September.

Jo

[RoryGilmore]

Sorry I'm just now geting to this, its not that I wasnt interested or anything, I just got home and all.

Excellent job I LOVE it!!!! The journal entires are working great in my opinion and I love how its going way back to when they first got married. What I am curious about is Blair, is she still alive???? Cant wait for your next post!!