Monday's Quotes:

[Frank Gannucci]

"A Promotion Part 1":

(Ralph has just told Alice not to tell the Nortons about his promotion, but unbeknownst to Ralph, she did.)

Ralph: "I have been promoted. I am now an executive."

Ed: "What a surprise."

(Ed tries to act like he's surprised.)

Ralph (to Alice): "So you told him huh?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ed (looking at a map): "Here's New York City, that is where we started from. Then we go through the Lincoln Tunnel. This black dot here is Jersey City. This black dot here is Bayoone."

Ralph: "Well, Bayoone moving. That's an ant."

Ed: "Let's follow the ant. He looks like he knows where he is going."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

(Ralph is ready to paint the Norton's apartment.)

Ed: "I want the walls to be brown. Not as dark as a hazel-nut brown. Not as brown as morbid milk brown. There's a certain way that the sun at Coney Island has a way of striking the a hot dog's mustard which reflects off the hot dog through the sauerkraut. That's the kind of brown that I want."

Ralph: "What about the moldings and window frames?"

Ed: "I sort of visualize them as a misty gray. Did you see that technicolor movie with Ricardo Cortez? I want the grey from his eyes. Not the iris part of his eyes, but the cornea."

Ralph: "That kind of grey huh? What about the door?"

Ed: "The door I haven't really thought to much about."

Ralph: "I think it should be something neutral so it doesn't clash with anything."

Ed: "Good thinking. It should be a delicate beige. Not a harsh beige, just a neutral delicate beige."

Ralph: "Let me see if I got all this right. You want the walls to be a brown like the sun striking through the mustard and saurkraut on a hot dog. You want the moldings and window frames to be the gray of Robert Cortez's eyes. Not the iris, but the cornea and you want the door to be a nice delicate beige."

Ed: "Yeah."

Ralph: "I'm painting the whole joint green."

"In Twnety-Five Words Or Less":

(Ralph just bought a load of products with each claiming to have a contest. One of them is food for dogs and it's called Happy Hound Dog Food.)

Ralph: "Fix my supper."

Alice: "Fix it yourself. Make yourself some Happy Hound Meatballs."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Pardon me sir. On the Jackie Gleason Show, who's funnier, Jackie Gleason or Art Carney?"

Man: "I can't say. I watch Flipper."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Money. I am a millionaire."

Ed: "There is enough in here to keep you in pizza for the rest of your life."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Trixie: "Hey, I got to go downtown shopping tomorrow, there's a big sale on men's shorts. 89 cents a pair! Norton could sure use some."

Alice: "So could Ralph, what sizes have they got?"

Trixie: "All sizes: 32 to 50."

Alice: "Nope, nothing there for Ralph!"

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed: "What are you yelling at me for? You got rid of the hic-koffs, didn't you?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "Look at the stomach."

Ralph: "That is not my stomach."

Alice: "What is it?"

Ralph: "It happens to be a very low chest."