Tuesday's Quotes & Honeymooners TV Schedule (5/29-6/12) (Changes in ALN's schedule):

[Frank Gannucci]

(AmericanLife TV):

(AmericanLife also has an OnDemand Service. This show might be one of the shows to watch.)

TV-G

All times are Eastern.

All Color episodes are one hour.

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Shelia MacRae as Alice Kramden. Jean Kean as Trixie Norton.

Fri. May 29 10p & Sat. May 30, 2009 12a #16 (aka #169) – “Ralph Kramden Presents”: Ralph is asked to invite his celebrity friend that he always brags about, Jackie Gleason, to the annual Raccoons dance. In desperation, Ralph & Ed go over to the hotel that Gleason is staying to try to get him to come. Ralph gets to speak to Carney and Ed gets to speak to Gleason but in the confusion, nobody is invited to the dance. Alice promises Gleason the recipe for her anchovy pizza and he shows up at the dance.

Tue. June 1, 2009 2a #17 (aka #170) – “Flushing Ho”: The Kramdens and Nortons, unable to make ends meet around tax time, decide to move to a large two-bedroom apartment in Flushing and split all expenses. The plan fails when Ralph complains of a dwindling food supply and insufficient time in the bathroom, so they all pack up and move back to Chauncey Street.

Wed. June 2, 2009 2a #18 (aka #171) – “Sees All, Knows All”: A Coney Island fortune teller tells Ralph that he is going to commit a murder within a week. Ralph wants Alice to move in with her mother till t he week passes but Alice refuses. Ralph moves in with Ed and gets so exasperated at him that he nearly kills him. In the end, Ralph manages to get himself arrested for safety by assaulting a police officer.

Thu. June 3, 2009 2a #19(aka #172) – “Be It Ever So Humble”: Rather than pay a $5 rent increase, Ralph buys a duplex in the country and takes the Nortons as his tenants.He forces them to sign a 99-year lease. But he is a negligent superintendent, and the Nortons attempt to break the lease with a 3:00 A.M. party and a firecracker in Ralph's fireplace.

Fri. June 4, 2009 2a #20 (aka #173) – “Hair To A Fortune”: For $500, Ralph and Norton buy a phony hair-restoration formula from a sharp promoter in Central Park. Over Alice and Trixie's objections, they mix up their first batch and try it on Ralph's boss. Using the formula he loses all his hair.

Sat. June 5, 2009 2a #21 (aka #174) – “The People’s Choice”: Ralph becomes a hero for recognizing "Knuckles" Grogan from his newspaper picture and aiding in his arrest. Then Knuckles escapes and Ralph has to be the bait so the police can recapture him. Local politicians ask Ralph, on the strength of his heroism, to run for state assembly; he agrees, and campaigns vigorously, until he realizes that his sponsors are dishonest. And, at the big pre-election rally, he tells the voters the whole story.

Tue. June 8, 2009 2a #22 (aka #175) – “Two For The Money”: Ralph, as treasurer of the Raccoon Lodge, has been entrusted with $500 in cash, which he loses at Dennehy's Bar, He plays a long shot at the tracks to replace the money, and his horse wins but he doesn't, because he tore up his ticket at the beginning of the race when it looked like he was going to lose. Fortunately, the money turns up right where Ralph left it--in the pocket of the Raccoons' Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler.

Wed. June 9, 2009 2a #23 (aka #176) – “Nephew of The Bride”: Alice's Aunt Ethel (played by Doro Merande) moves in with the Kramdens. Ralph, who has to sleep on a cot in the kitchen, plays Cupid for her and Krausmeyer, the butcher (played by David Burns). His plan succeeds, Ethel and Krausmeyer elope, and they return to the Kramdens' for a place to live until they can find a home. And Ralph moves to the YMCA.

Thu. June 10, 2009 2a #24 (aka #177) – “Out of Sight, Out of Mind”: Ralph is sent to the company psychiatrist when he loses his temper once too often on the job. He is advised to give up his friendship with Norton, Norton mistakes his farewell note for a suicide note, and shadows Ralph to keep him out of trouble. Ralph, seeing Norton everywhere he looks, thinks he's losing his mind...until the truth comes out and the psychiatrist decides that Norton and Kramden belong together.

Fri. June 11, 2009 2a #25 (aka #178) – “Two Faces of Ralph Kramden”: Ralph is set up as an "insurance executive" by mobsters because he is a dead ringer for their boss (also played by Gleason). Their real boss is fleeing the country with his moll; Ralph, as his stand-in, is due to be exterminated momentarily. Only the intervention of Norton, Alice, and Trixie saves Ralph's life.

Sat. June 12, 2009 2a #26 (aka #179) – “The Main Event”: Boxer "Dynamite" Moran is living with the Kramdens and Ralph is his new promoter. His first knockout, strictly unofficial and off the record, is staged for the benefit of the manager of heavyweight contender "Killer" Cuoco. The scheme works until Norton accidentally decks Dynamite. Undaunted, Ralph vows to stay in the fight game. Only this time, he will train Norton for the ring.

(WPIX) & (WPIXD) [aka New York feed of CWHD]:

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

Mon. June 1, 2009 1a #40 (aka #64) (CC) - *“Ralph's Sweet Tooth”: When Ralph is invited to appear in a candy bar commercial, he refuses to let a bad toothache interfere.

1:30a #022 (aka #113) - "Here Comes The Bride": On the eve of his lodge brother Stanle y's marriage to Alice's sister, Ralph---the self-proclaimed "king of [his] castle"---gives his future brother-in-law marital advice. Furious that Stanley has agreed to live with Alice's parents, Ralph instructs him to put his foot down. "I don't want to argue," he tells Ralph, prompting Norton to reply: "If you don't want to argue, what are you getting married for?"

Mon. June 8, 2009 1a #026 (aka #117) - "Young Man With A Horn": The discovery of his old cornet and an unexpected visit by a self-made millionaire prompt Ralph to wonder why he hasn't achieved more success and hit the "high note" in his life. As a result, he decides to make a list of his good points and do something to correct his bad ones.

1:30a #75 (aka #139) - *“Catch a Star”: At a Raccoon Lodge meeting, Ralph lies that he knows Jackie Gleason and can get him to appear at the Raccoon's annual dance. Desperately, Ralph and Norton go to the hotel where Gleason is staying and try to convince "The Great One" to appear. FUN FACT - Jackie Gleason, Art Carney, Audrey Meadows and Joyce Randolph play dual roles in this episode.

(WGN America) (Not WGN's Chicago feed):

Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Art Carney as Ed Norton. Audrey Meadows as Alice Kramden. Joyce Randolph as Trixie Norton.

All episodes on WGN America are in CC.

Sun May 31, 2009 9p #011 (aka #102) - "The Deciding Vote": Ralph's in a tight two-man election for the position of Raccoon convention manager and the deciding vote belongs to Norton. The episode contains a classic sight gag involving Ralph trying to clean a vacuum cleaner after it has failed "the oatmeal test."
*
9:30p #012 (aka #103) - "Something Fishy": "I catch the fish," Ralph tells Alice, "you cook the fish. The only time we're together is when we eat the fish." Alice, however, has other ideas about Ralph and his lodge brothers worming their way out of taking the wives on the annual fishing trip. Ralph and Norton are desperate, so they angle for a way to leave Alice and Trixie behind.
*
Sun. June 7, 2009 9p #014 (aka #105) - "The Man From Space": Intending to take home first prize at the Raccoon Lodge's costume ball, Ralph---unable to wangle a loan from Norton---puts together his own costume and dubs himself "The Man From Space" in a memorable episode that was originally telecast Dec. 31, 1955. Angry with Norton (who's going as the Frenchman who "built the sewers of Paris") and obsessed with winning, Ralph appropriates an assortment of household items---including a faucet, a pot, a radio tube and the icebox door---to create a costume that will, he says, make Norton's rented outfit look like "a piece of French cheesecloth." The episode contains a classic example of Jackie Gleason's gift for ad-libbing when, unexpectedly; a piece of Ralph's costume falls off. "Let me have that," he improvises to Alice. "That's my denaturizer."

9:30p #015 (aka #106) - "A Matter of Record": In "A Matter of Record" (originally telecast Jan. 7, 1956), Ralph surprises Alice with tickets to a hit Broadway mystery, but with her mother coming "all the way from Bensonhurst" for a visit, she won't go. " Where's Bensonhurst, in New Zealand or something?" Ralph snaps back, upset that Alice is forsaking him for a visit from his nemesis. "She won't be in this apartment three minutes before she starts an argument," Ralph says. With that, Alice's mother arrives and Ralph proceeds to set an alarm clock for three minutes. Sure enough, she quickly insults Ralph about his weight, chides Alice for not marrying "a good provider" and, as the final straw, spills the beans about the ending of the play. Just as the alarm clock rings, Ralph erupts ("You are a blabbermouth!") and throws his mother-in-law out. But Alice leaves with her, prompting Ralph to take Norton's suggestion and record an apology to Alice in hopes of winning her forgiveness.

(NBC)

One hour long.

Tue. May 26, 2009 (CC) 8p. "TV's 50 Funniest Phrases": Jackie Gleason will be featured and I am willing to bet that the catchphrase that could be heard will be "And Away We Go" and/or "One of these days..."

*: This episode has been edited HEAVILY.

Credit goes to tvguide.com, sitcomsonline.com, John K's Book "To The Moon", tvland.com, the old honeymooners.net, wpix.com, wgnamerica.com and tvguide.com.

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph: "I am not the type that eats-and-runs."

Alice: "Eats-and-runs? With the way you eat, you are lucky that you can walk."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Just remember, you can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arm around you."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You are willing to shell out money from your life insurance for this carzy idea. That settles it Ralph. You got rocks in your head."

Ralph (yells): "I GOT ROCKS IN MY HEAD? I GOT ROCKS IN MY HEAD? I GOT NOTHING IN MY HEAD!"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Alice: "The only thing that is overstuffed around here is YOU."

Ralph: "That is the same line that your mother used when I threw her out bodily."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "When you save the money, you can't take it with you."

Alice: "You are right. I never go anyplace."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Ralph: "Alice, I hope that you are satisfied. You are the first woman in history to interupt that Raccoon song."

Alice: "Well Scottie-Wattie-Do-Dah-Day!"

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Brother-In-Law":

Alice: "My brother is as good as any member of your family."

Ralph: "He is still a bum."