Friday's Quotes & a Honeymooners Memorial Day:

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph & Ed are planning a barbecue.)

Ralph: “Well, it's time for barbecue season. This will be the first day. Memorial Day.”

Ed: “Yes, but look at the weather Ralphie. It might rain.”

Ralph: “Yeah. I got an idea. If it rains, we will have the barbecue in my apartment. I will have everything set up.”

Ed: “If that is the case, why don't we use the stove?”

Ralph: “It won't be the same Norton. We will have a blast. We will invite all our Raccoon buddies right now. Call them up Norton.”

(Ed calls them all up. It starts to pour.)

Ralph: “Too bad the girls are at the movies. They are not going to have the fun of an inside-barbecue. Norton, go get the grill. After all, I am going to be doing the cooking.”

(Ed does. Ed brings the grill inside with a full propane tank.)

Ralph: “Too bad our friends had to cancel. They thought we were nuts to have an inside barbecue.”

Ed: “They are the ones that are nuts.”

Ralph: “Well, Norton. Let's light up the grill and start cooking.”

(Ed & Ralph start cooking. Smoke goes out the windows.)

Ed: “It's almost a good thing we don't have smoke detectors. They would take away all the fun.”

Ralph: “Yeah. Alice wanted to waste money getting one. I told her that we don't need one. The chances of this building getting set on fire is one and a million.”

McGarrity (from upstairs, yells): “WHERE IS ALL THAT SMOKE CONG FROM?”

Ralph: “Finally, a guy who blows smoke is getting some. Ha ha ha.”

(Alice comes in.)

Alice (yells): “RALPH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

Ralph: “I am having a rare indoor barbecue.”

Alice: “Ralph, you can't do this. What about gas emission laws?”

Ralph: “What about them? There are no such things. Besides, the chances of this propane tank rupturing and exploding is slim and none.”

(Mr. Johnson & a policeman come by.)

Mr. Johnson (yells): “MR. KRAMDEN, GET THAT THING OUT OF HERE!”

Ralph: “Why?”

Policeman: “Because due to gas emission laws, you can't have propane tanks indoors. You are under arrest.”

Ralph: “Haminahaina. Disconnect it Norton.”

McGarrity (from the hallway, yells): “FINALLY, TWO FORMS OF SMOKE ARE LEAVING THE BUILDING.”

(Ed laughs.)

Ed: “Well, it looks like one of your ideas has gone to pot again.”

Ralph (yells): “GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!”

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience cheers)

Jackie: “In case you were wondering, we used a fake propane tank tonight. I wasn't as stupid as Ralph Kramden to put a real one indoors.”

(Audience laughs.)

Jackie: “I want to say I am grateful for all our men and women fighting around the globe protecting us from those DIRTY BUMS. Those terrorists. I am also grateful for all the former war vets that have helped make our country as good as it is.”

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: “Folks, I am also grateful to perform in front of you people because the Miami Beach crowds are the GREATEST!”

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: “GOOD NIGHT!”

(Audience cheers.)


"Follow The Boys":

(Ed is doing a crossword puzzle outside.)

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one: House. H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They don't present a challenge."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph thinks that Ed & Alice are lovers. Ed is in Ralph's home.)

Alice: "Excuse me sweetheart."

Ralph: "Who are you calling 'sweetheart.'"

Alice: "Norton. Who else?"

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "Grogan, if you had two tickets to a World Series game and your sister-in-law was going to get married at the same time as the game, where would you go?"

Grogan: "I would go to the wedding."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"Norton Moves In" & "Battle of The Sexes":

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. When ever your mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph: "You mean that fter taking one look at that Carlos, you are going to give him Trixie's potato salad?"

Ed: "Of course. This will fix his wagon. Before I started eating Trixie's cooking, I was a regular Clark Gable."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11p."

Alice: "Yeah, about three hours after 11."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "No one is going to put you in a straightjacket Ralph."

Ralph: "Thank you."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"