The Ballad of Gilligan's Island script

[ph1l]

The Ballad of Gilligan's Island

Willie: Alf!
Alf: Oh, mulai mukka hukka kahuna eh eh eh eh eh eh eh.
Willie: What are you doing with my drill?
Alf: Drilling holes.
Willie: What for?
Alf: So I can get this straws in these coconuts. Want a hit?
Willie: I suppose this means there's another Gilligan's Island rerun tonight.
Alf: Yep. Ship set sail for that unchartered desert isle, momentarily.
Willie: I think you're overdoing this whole Gilligan thing.
Alf: Why? Because I'm making a couple of Skipper Coladas.
Willie: What about the bamboo furniture you ordered for your room?
Alf: Hey, I sent it back. Wasn't even real bamboo, it was that norga boo.
Brian: Alf! Time for Gilligan.
Alf: Be right with you little buddy. Gotta run Willie, Gilligan's on.
Willie: Yeah, you better hurry. You miss this episode you'll have to wait three weeks until it's on again.
Alf: You know, it's people like you who drive quality programming off the air.
(Opening Titles)
(Commercial Break)
Alf and Brian: So join us here each week my friend you're sure to get a smile from seven stranded castaways here on Gilligan's Isle.
(The DVD version has the original dialogue above removed and replaced with the following audio from later in the episode: The Skipper: Gilligan! and Gilligan: Skipper!)
Alf: Bravo! Author, author! Powerful episode.
Brian: Gilligan's so funny.
Alf: You're telling me. Chaplain. Keaton. Gilligan. The great ones make it look so easy.
Kate: Bri, time to get ready for bed.
Brian: Now?!
Alf: C'mon Kate. The kid just watched Gilligan's Island. He needs time for the nuances to soak in.
Kate: They can soak in, in the bathtub.
Brian: Aye aye mom.
Alf: Hey Kate, did I ever tell you how much you remind me of Ginger. Wow. That's the same look of disdain that Ginger gives Gilligan. That was a compliment. Boy, she's no fun. Hey Willie, we have to talk.
Willie: Yeah. Speak to me.
Alf: Gilligan's Island. Why do you think life there is so much more exciting than life in, oh, let's say, this house?
Willie: Oh Alf, you have fun here.
Alf: Sure. When Gilligan's Island is on.
Willie: That's four hours everyday, right there.
Alf: I'm trying to make a point here and you're doing jokes.
Willie: Oh well, by all means then, pontificate.
Alf: What kind of pie is that?
Willie: Apple.
Alf: Cliché in a crust.
Willie: Why did you have six pieces of it at supper?
Alf: The question is why didn't I have eight. Because it is boring man. Just like everything else around here. Not like on Gilligan's Island. Where every day is topped off by one of Mary Ann's coconut cream pies.
Willie: Alf, I'm not going to waste my time trying to analyze why you find real life more boring than some ludicrous situation comedy.
Alf: Ahh. How erudite. Reminiscent of the Professor. If you're bored with your pie, can I have it? Guess not.
Alf: So anyway see, this big fat native girl from the next island eats Ginger's lipstick. Hah, hah. Then before Gilligan can marry her…
Willie: Whoa, wait wait. Don't tell me. She goes back to her own island and she leaves the castaways stranded.
ALF: Did I give the ending away somewhere?
Willie: That's how every episode ends. They never leave the island.
Alf: I must have overlooked the pattern.
Kate: Don't overlook the idea that you can leave this room.
Willie: She's right Alf, the fun's over for tonight.
Alf: The fun never stops on Gilligan's Island. Unlike some other places where the fun stopped during the Eisenhower administration.
Kate: Just go to sleep.
Alf: I can't. I tried counting castaways jumping over palm trees but the Skipper's not the best of leapers.
Willie: If you let us get some sleep, I promise you we'll get back to this Gilligan business first thing tomorrow. And maybe, maybe we'll even build you a little lagoon all your own.
Alf: You'd do that for me?
Kate: Yes. And then maroon you on the opposite shore.
Alf: Fine with me. Aloha! Hey, if you need some excitement you know where to look.
Willie: Where's that?
Alf: Wherever you hear this song. Sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip. That started from a tropic port aboard this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty sailor man, the Skipper brave and sure…
Kate: Willie, there's something wrong with the bathtub.
Willie: Oh it's probably clogged with Alf's hair again. He just refuses to vacuum himself before he takes a bath.
Kate: No, it's the faucet. There's no water coming out.
Willie: Well there's no water here either.
Alf: Hey! Could you turn that off! I'm losing pressure out here!
Willie: Say, what exactly are you doing out there?
Alf: It's a surprise!
Willie: He said surprise.
Kate: The dreaded 's' word.
Willie: Alf, what are…
Alf: Watch it Willie. It's a little slippery.
Willie: Ugh!
Alf: Surprise! Well, what do you think?
Kate: I don't believe it.
Alf: Willie's swimming in the lagoon I built. It's just like the one on Gilligan's Island. From now on life around here'll be much more exciting.
Willie: Pfttt. Ahhhh.
Alf: See, it's exciting already.
Willie: How would you like to be buried at sea?
Alf: You're not happy about this, are you?
Kate: Just tell us why you did it.
Alf: It was Willie's idea.
Willie: What?!
Alf: Don't try to worm your way out of this one. You said we'd build a lagoon.
Willie: I said we'd build a little lagoon, not the great Tanner reef.
Alf: Ok. Ok, I misunderstood. I'm sorry. I made a boo-boo.
Willie: A boo-boo? I want my yard back the way it was. I want trees I can trim. I want grass I can mow. No water and no hut. And you are going to stay right here until I get it! Have I made myself clear?
Alf: What? Are you talking to me?
Willie: I'm talking directly to you.
Alf: Fine. Fine. If that's what you want, I'll turn this land of adventure back into Dullsville.
Willie: Immediately!!
Alf: He seems pretty upset Kate. You start shoveling. I'll go have a talk with him. Right. You talk to him. He listens to you.

Alf: Load sixteen tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt. I'm sweaty. First time in sixty years.
Lynne: Alf! I brought you some lemonade.
Alf: Thanks. This lagoon water tastes a little brackish.
Lynne: So how much longer is it going to take you to fill it in?
Alf: Six weeks.
Lynne: Six weeks? It only took you one night to dig it up.
Alf: Yeah but I wanted to do that. This is painful to me. Have you ever had to cover your dreams with a big pile of dirt?
Lynne: Well, I once had to bury my pet turtle that died.
Alf: Oh, this one?
Lynne: Does it say greetings from Miami on it?
Alf: No, Carlsbad Caverns.
Lynne: Oh, that was Brian's.
Alf: 'Sic transit gloria mundi'.
Lynne: I better let you get back to work.
Alf: Yeah, yeah. Work. Work. Oh this isn't work. This is fun.
Lynne: What are you talking about?
Alf: Lynne I'm talking about the thrill of backbreaking manual labour. My only regret is that you can't share this thrill. Hey. Hey wait a minute. Why don't I let you shovel a couple of metric tons?
Lynne: Goodnight Alf.
Alf: Gilligan would have fallen for that. Well, break time.

Alf: I must have slept through the night. Hey, where's my shovel? Where's my house?
Gilligan: Skipper! Skipper, can I fish too?
Alf: It's Gilligan. The Skipper too.
The Skipper: Shh Gilligan. You'll scare the fish.
Gilligan: Shh, you'll scare the fish. (hat thump)
Alf: I'm here on Gilligan's Isle.
(Commercial Break)
Alf: Gilligan's Island. I'm in rerun heaven.
Gilligan: Bet I catch a big one.
The Skipper: Gilligan!
Gilligan: Skipper, what happened to your hat?
The Skipper: You're using it for bait.
Alf: Hummf.
Gilligan: Oh. I'll get it back for you Skipper, don't worry.
The Skipper: Gilligan. You idiot.
Gilligan: (hat thump) Offf
Alf: Hah. Hah. Hah. You guys are hilarious. Encore, encore. Yeah.
The Skipper: Who are you?
Alf: I'm Alf, your biggest fan. I worship the sand you walk on.
The Skipper: Where did you come from?
Alf: Melmac.
Gilligan: Melmac? Is that anywhere near Bora Bora?
Alf: Hah. Hah. You guys never stop. Hey, hey where are the others?
The Skipper: What others?
Alf: The others. You know, the millionaire and his wife, a movie star.
Gilligan: Oh them. Well, Ginger and the Howells built a country club on the other side of the island but they won't let us in.
The Skipper: They won't let YOU in.
Gilligan: Not through the front door but sometimes I caddy.
Alf: Well, what about the Professor and Mary Ann?
The Skipper: Oh well, they're still around. Hey, wait a minute. How do you know about all of us?
Alf: Yeah, wait a minute. How do you know about all of us?
The Skipper: I just said that, Gilligan.
Gilligan: Thought it sounded familiar. (hat thump)
Alf: Hah. Hah. Oh I never get tired of that. Hah. Hah. Hah.
Gilligan: I get tired of it.
Alf: Hey Gilligan, tell me something. Mary Ann is really cute. How come you never asked her out?
Gilligan: Where would we go?
Alf: Hah. Where would we go. Hah. Hah. Hah. Hah.
The Skipper: The little fellah's easily amused, Gilligan
Gilligan: I like him.
The Skipper: Yeah.
Mary Ann: Gilligan! Skipper! Oh, lunch is ready. I see we have another visitor.
Alf: It's Mary Ann. And lunch. Two of my favourite things.
Gilligan: Mary Ann this is Alf. He's from Melmac.
Mary Ann: How come everybody can get to this island and none of us can ever get off?
Gilligan: Really? I must have overlooked the pattern. (hat thump)
Alf: Hah. Hah. Hah.
The Skipper: Let's eat. Come on Alf.
Alf: Lunch with the castaways. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Alf: Mary Ann, did you make one of your famous coconut cream pies?
Mary Ann: No. They won't let me make them anymore.
The Professor: You see I noticed our blood sugar levels were getting dangerously high. Plus the fact we were sick to death of them.
Mary Ann: You never told me that.
The Professor: I was remiss.
Mary Ann: Anyway, today were having mangoes.
Alf: Wow. Mangoes.
Gilligan: We're sick of mangoes too.
The Professor: Well I like mangoes. I'm just sick of making dental floss for you people.
Alf: I get the feeling you people aren't happy.
Mary Ann: We're not. We're bored. Do you know we've been doing the same thing day in and day out for twenty three years?
Gilligan: Yeah. How would you like to listen to the Skipper's boring old navy stories over and over and over?
The Skipper: I thought you liked my navy stories. I was a good sailor.
The Professor: Oh we're all familiar with your nautical record, Skipper. You're ah, o and one, I believe.
The Skipper: You see. You have one little shipwreck and they never let you forget it.
Alf: Well you guys should be grateful. You're here on Gilligan's Island.
The Skipper: Are you kidding? Why, we'd be out of here in a minute if smarty-pants over here could figure out a way for us to get off this rock.
The Professor: Don't blame me. Everytime I devise a plan, it's ruined by that hebetudinous sidekick of yours.
Alf: Hebetudinous?
The Professor: Addlepated
Alf: Oh.
The Skipper: Why you can't call my little buddy addlepated.
Gilligan: Will you stop calling me little buddy? I'm in my forties, for crying out loud.
Alf: Stop it! You people are supposed to be funny and friendly and, and wacky.
Mary Ann: This is our island. You can't tell us when to be wacky.
The Professor: Yeah. Who died and made you King Kamayamaya?
Alf: Hey, I know something that'll keep you from fighting. A sing-along. C'mon, yeah. Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale. Everybody. A tale of a fateful trip. Sing!
The Professor: We don't feel like singing.
Alf: But it's about you guys. The mate was a mighty sailor man. The Skipper brave and sure.
Mary Ann: The Skipper brave and sure?
Gilligan: More like big and fat.
The Skipper: How would you like a big fat fist in your face?
Alf: Fine. Forget the sing-along. Let's reenact the time when the headhunter came to the island. Now I'll be the headhunter and Gilligan could be Gilligan.
The Skipper: I've got a better idea. Let's reenact the time that Alf came to the island to help us dig. You be Alf, and start digging.
Alf: I'm not going to dig. I refuse to dig. I won't dig. I won't. I won't, I won't, I won't.

Alf: What am I digging here?
Mary Ann: You're filling in the lagoon.
The Professor: Yeah we're going to build a miniature golf course.
The Skipper: And we're not going to let the Howells play on it.
Gilligan: Shall I go get your clubs Skipper?
The Skipper: No Gilligan. It's not ready yet. (hat thump) It'll take a couple of months.
Mary Ann: Come on. Let the furry little guy work. It's almost time for our favourite TV show.
Alf: You have a TV?
The Professor: Oh yeah. I rigged one up using some bamboo, a couple of coconut shells and a nineteen inch picture tube that washed up on the shore. I even built a VCR.
Mary Ann: Yeah. But all our tapes are Beta.
Alf: Hey Gilligan, digging's really fun. You want to do some?
Gilligan: Forget it.
Alf: Even Gilligan won't fall for it.
Gilligan: (hat thump) What was that for?
The Skipper: I just felt like it. Nyah ha ha.
Alf: I wonder if the Howells need a fourth for golf.

Mary Ann: Sit down Professor, we can't see.
The Professor: I'm adjusting the vertical hold.
Gilligan: Vertical hold? Looks like a coconut to me.
The Professor: Give me the hat, Skipper. (hat thump)
TV Announcer: And now it's time for the adventures of the Tanner family.
Alf: Tanner family?
TV Announcer: Starring Willie Tanner as Dad, Kate Tanner as Mom, Lynne Tanner as their daughter and Brian Tanner as himself. This week's episode: Brian Takes A Bath.
Gilligan: Oh boy, this is my favourite.
The Skipper: I haven't had a bath for twenty three years.
The Rest: We know.
TV Lynne: That meatloaf was delicious, mom.
TV Kate: Well, I hope you have room for some apple pie.
The Professor: Apple pie. I haven't had that in twenty three years.
The Skipper: That meatloaf sounds so delicious too.
Gilligan: I'd like to have something to eat that didn't fall out of a tree.
TV Willie: I think I'll get a glass of water.
Mary Ann: Imagine. Water you don't have to draw from a well.
Gilligan: Oh look. Willie's wearing a different shirt this week. I haven't worn a different shirt in…
The Rest: We know, we know.
TV Brian: Can I have some water, Dad?
TV Willie: You can have lots of water, son. You're taking a bath.
(The Castaways all laugh.)
The Skipper: How does Willie come up with that stuff?
Gilligan: The great ones make it look so easy.
Alf: Why was that funny?
The Professor: Why was that funny? These are the most entertaining people in the world and you ask why was it funny.
Mary Ann: Besides, they can do things we only dream of. They eat balanced meals.
The Professor: They change their clothes.
Gilligan: They don't hit each other with hats.
Alf: Actually, they are pretty entertaining. Can I watch a little?
The Skipper: Don't you have some dirt to shovel?
Alf: I can shovel dirt back home.
Mary Ann: You ARE home.
Gilligan: You're a castaway now, fuzzy buddy.
The Professor: Forever.
Alf: I don't want to be a castaway. I thought this place would be fun. Now I realise, it's only fun in half hour chunks.
TV Willie: But you wanted to be on Gilligan's Island. That's where the fun never stops. Remember? Remember? Remember?
Alf: I was wrong. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. I Wanna go home.
Willie: Alf. Wake up. Hey.
Alf: Oh Willie! You came all the way out here to rescue me.
Willie: It wasn't really all that far, Alf. I was just in the kitchen.
Alf: Ooh. Well listen, I was wrong. Adventure isn't on some unchartered desert isle. It's right here in your own back yard. What's left of it.
Willie: That's good to hear, Alf. I'll see you later.
Alf: Well, don't I get to come with you? What about all that mindless treacle I just oozed?
Willie: As treacle goes, it's pretty sweet. Too bad it didn't fill up the hole. Get to work.
Alf: I hate this place.
(Commercial Break)
Alf: (urp) Delicious meatloaf, Kate. Best I've ever had. Best anyone's ever had. Best in the world. Simply the best.
Kate: Thank you, Alf. Would you like some pie?
Alf: What kind?
Kate: Coconut cream.
Alf: Pass.
Willie: Oh, hi. I'm sorry I'm late for dinner.
Alf: Hah. Hah. Sorry I'm late for dinner! Willie, you're a scream. Hah. Hah. How does he come up with that stuff?
Willie: What stuff?
Alf: Hah. Oh there he goes again. Hah.
Lynne: What is wrong with you?
Alf: Wrong? Nothing's wrong. I'm the happiest alien on Earth. What could possibly be wrong here in the fun filled, action packed Tanner household?
Willie: How's the backyard coming?
Alf: Ahh. Well, ahh. I-I'd like to discuss that with you at length. And, ahh, later would be a good time.
Willie: He's been watching Bonanza.
Alf: I'll, ah, return the stagecoach tomorrow.
(Closing Titles) (hat thump)

Anything in red has been removed from the DVD version.

[Jessica]

Ooh.