My confession

[PunkyP0WER]

i haven't been on here in a few days. i recently suffered a miscarriage. my monthly occurrence was late, naturally, and i had taken a few tests. at first they were coming out negative but finally one gave a positive result. about a week after i began to bleed and went to my doctor. she confirmed i was pregant but now am in the middle of a miscarriage.

my husband was upset about learning that i was pregnant (not that he was a cad about it) just stressed as he told me from the beginning he did not want kids.

however, even though i was worried about my husbands reaction, i felt happy that God was giving me a second chance.

maybe i have painted a very rosy picture of our relationship. it is wonderful now but wasn't always....six months after knowing each other we evolved from being just friends and into a more serious, physical relationship. shortly after that i became pregnant. it was obviously not planned and although we knew each other we didn't know each other well enough to have a kid. our relationship was just beginning.


my husband, then, was happy but i think he was putting on an act for me. i know he was an emotional wreck because he still was grieving for his late wife and hadn't recovered from that fully. his adult son was also in trouble with the law at this time (hes currently serving a 12 year stretch) and so my husband had a lot on his plate. not long after we got into a heated argument and broke up.


during this time we exchanged many nasty emails/texts/phone calls. it did not look like things were going to work out and i was not in the position financially to afford to have a child and raise it on my own.


so i reluctantly chose to have an abortion. it was something i had always been against as i'm catholic, so it was an ultimate test of my faith going through it and i struggle with my faith to this day.


i remember while going into the building, having to listen to the protesters outside scream things like "murderer". i remember before being permitted inside, having to provide id to an armed guard. i remember how sterile looking the waiting room and examing room was. i remember how the staff behaved with "cool professionlism".

there was no privacy involved. the women were taken in various groups at a time into a clinicians office. me and 5 other young ladies were brought in a room all together and explained the procedure. i understand we were all going to be having the same thing done, but i thought we would be provided some private brief individual counsel. i remember one lady asked if she would have problems having children in the future. i remember wondering that too but did not ask the question myself as i felt it was very hypocritical and absurd thinking about creating new life when i was there to terminate one that was growing inside me.


it was like a very morbid orientation. then they performed a sonogram and i asked to see. i don't know why i requested that, given the grim reason for me being there, but i thought maybe if i saw the picture..........i don't know. anyway, the technician said "no" and i felt like such a helpless child i didn't press the subject any further.


it didn't help that the person who accompanied me there, a friend of the family - bill, kept making joke after joke at the expense of the protesters outside like he was doing a standup act and he kept looking out the window giving updates on what the protesters were doing and who they were currently harassing. i'm sure he was trying to ease the tension but i don't think he fully appreciated the gravity of the situation and his behavior was less than comforting. i had asked my stepmom and she said "why don't you ask your sister to go with you?" i think she was uncomfortable with the idea. and i can't blame a person for that. i then asked my sister but she said she couldn't take the time off from work. perhaps she was uncomfortable too.......


it was all so surreal. i watched a few women cry while they waited. but i felt numb from the guilt and shame. it was like having an out of body experience. just observing the women one by one called before me and watching the minutes slowly tick by.


then it was my turn. i remember on the examing table there was a photo taped to the ceiling above it of a tropical paradise. i guess to help you relax but i think that is the farthest thing from anyones mind. then i was put under so i don't remember the actual procedure and don't think i'd care to recall it if i did.

a few years later i read about it though, the procedure that is and what they do.....to the baby......i also got a library book once, it was a support book for people who've had this done and their experiences and how they've healed emotionally, but i could not get through the book as previous people who had taken it out from the library scrawled nasty comments through out its pages.


i've tried to "excuse" what i did. i said to myself "well, my husband is up there in age so it would have probably had a greater chance of birth defects" (but there is prenatal testing and it still was just a "chance"). then i said "well, in the weeks prior to discovering the pregnancy i had taken meds for a viral infection, so i probably messed the baby up by being on them" but there are plenty of women in the shelter on a lot harsher substances who have perfectly healthy kids. i guess you try to convince yourself of these things to get through life but when you rest your head at night you know the truth and God is a lot harder to convince.


so maybe I deserve what is happening now. i'm beating on a door i locked myself. i know there were other options: adoption - but i couldn't imagine knowing there was a child out in the world somewhere that was mine and i'd never know it. although, the reason i just gave for not choosing that option is based on pure selfishness. every choice i made was pure selfishness.


and my choice haunts me everyday. i know that i will not go to heaven now or ever get to see my late mother in the afterlife. i wonder even if by some chance i did make it to heaven would i recognize my child and would he/she recognize me? and could i face him knowing i took away his chance at ever seeing a sunny day and feeling the warmth of the sun on his face, or giggle as she chased a butterfly around the yard or him squealing with delight jumping into a puddle of rain. would he ever forgive me for extinguishing his soul before it ever got a chance to live?

my boss announced yesterday she was pregnant and just a few weeks ago my husbands nephew announced his wife is pregnant. mycousin also just gave birth 3 weeks ago. i'm so happy for them and so sad for me, because i know my husband doesn't want kids and the chance i had to have one i threw it away. i had it right there in front of me and threw it away.

(janice, i hope this post will be able to remain up. i understand it is controversial, i tried to write without being graphic or offensive. i've never been able to say this out loud to anyone, my husband always changed the subject and i feel like i could get it off my chest with my friends here, that is if they are still my friends.)

[JamesG]

First of all, I want to say I am deeply saddened to hear this news. This must not be easy and I must say I have no idea what it must be like to go through something like this.

I don't treat people any different regarding having an abortion. They want to have an abortion then have an abortion; that is their personal choice and it really is nobody's business. I don't look at you any different knowing this information

Understand that I am an atheist and I don't believe in all of this heaven, hell, afterlife, souls.... this is all junk to me.


I will say the only hell that is there is the hell that you create for yourself in your head.

You don't "deserve" any of this and it seems foolish to think so. I am sure you must be flooded with confusion and emotions are running wild in your head but you don't deserve it.

You shouldn't worry about the "future"; "Will I go to Heaven?" "Will God accept me?"... be concerned with what you have in front of you now. You still have a husband who loves you (I assume) and you have him to help you through this. There are also plenty of support groups/counselors for people who have been through the same thing you have and I am sure they can help. Just remember you are not alone.

Life is hard and people get through it day to day.

I can't picture any God who will disregard someone for going through a hard time and making a tough decision. If you choose to believe in that, that is fine and I am not saying you shouldn't, but I just don't see how people can believe in that.


*I'm not looking for a religious debate so please do not bring this here. I gave my advice upfront and am going to leave it with that. If anyone has a bone to pick with me take it with me in private or somewhere else.

Hang in there PunkyPower; you'll get through it.

[Faith]

I am so sorry PunkyPower, I know how hard it is to go through a miscarriage, I had one 2 years ago. Hang in there.

[TripperFan]

Kimberlee - you will ALWAYS have friends here. Nobody here is in a position to judge you - and if they think they are, they should have another look at their own lives.

I've still been trying to get to your email and I will. DO NOT beat yourself up over this. This is not God's punishment. I know how you think though because I've had 3 miscarriages myself.

I'll fill you in more in my private email, but just know that you always have our support here.

I also know it took incredible strength to terminate that pregnancy. It was your personal choice and you knew what was best for you at the time. It's a choice that no one takes lightly.

[Brian Damage]

I am so sorry to hear that. My prayers go out to you Kimberlee.

[browneyes106]

I'm sorry about what happened. You are in my prayers. My brother and his ex girlfriend went through something like that a few years ago.

[MonarC]

I have a friend who also had a miscarriage. She says it was painful not only physically but also emotionaly. Im sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Nighthawk76]

I'm very sorry, Kim. My heart and prayers go out to you and your husband during this difficult time.

I would like to start out by saying that I am 100% sure that you still are gong to go to heaven. I'm sure of that. Yeah, it's probably true that God doesn't like the descision you made in getting an abortion. He would have probably perferred that you had chosen a different course of action, like atoption or even abstinence. However, he understands that you are human and humans make mistakes. We all make mistakes. All the time. There isn't a single person on this board, myself included, who hasn't made many mistakes in life. However, he forgives you for these mistakes. So though God may perfer that you had made a different descision, I'm sure he forgives you. You are going to to go to heaven and will get to see your mom again someday.

Personally, I think you are being too hard on yourself. Like you, I am a Catholic, and I don't believe in abortion except for in supreme cases like rape. I've always thought, if a person can't be responsible enough to have the baby, then they probably should not be in a physical relationship to begin with. However, this is something that is really good in theory, but not always practical in real life. When reading your story, I tried to put myself in your shoes, and I really couldn't see how you really could have handled the situation differently. You said yourself that you simply didn't have the financial means to support a baby. That being the case, I think abortion was a better option then having the baby and then not being able to feed, cloth and support it. I think at the time you were probably making the best choice you could for both yourself and your baby.

God is not punishing you. He doesn't do that. God forgives. And I know that he has forgiven you. God loves you, always.

[catlover79]

Originally Posted by TripperFan

Kimberlee - you will ALWAYS have friends here. Nobody here is in a position to judge you - and if they think they are, they should have another look at their own lives.

I've still been trying to get to your email and I will. DO NOT beat yourself up over this. This is not God's punishment. I know how you think though because I've had 3 miscarriages myself.

I'll fill you in more in my private email, but just know that you always have our support here.

I also know it took incredible strength to terminate that pregnancy. It was your personal choice and you knew what was best for you at the time. It's a choice that no one takes lightly.

First of all, Kimberlee, let me express my deepest sympathies to you and Marvin. I'm going through a bit of crisis of faith myself, so if you ever want to talk, you know where to find me. We love you, sweetie!!

[catlover79]

Originally Posted by MonarC

I have a friend who also had a miscarriage. She says it was painful not only physically but also emotionaly. Im sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

My sister has also suffered a miscarriage, and she sank into a deep depression for several weeks. A year later she had an adorable little boy, and is due again come July. So look at it that way!

[beautifuldreamer]

Originally Posted by Waking Up Laughing

I'm very sorry, Kim. My heart and prayers go out to you and your husband during this difficult time.

I would like to start out by saying that I am 100% sure that you still are gong to go to heaven. I'm sure of that. Yeah, it's probably true that God doesn't like the descision you made in getting an abortion. He would have probably perferred that you had chosen a different course of action, like atoption or even abstinence. However, he understands that you are human and humans make mistakes. We all make mistakes. All the time. There isn't a single person on this board, myself included, who hasn't made many mistakes in life. However, he forgives you for these mistakes. So though God may perfer that you had made a different descision, I'm sure he forgives you. You are going to to go to heaven and will get to see your mom again someday.

Personally, I think you are being too hard on yourself. Like you, I am a Catholic, and I don't believe in abortion except for in supreme cases like rape. I've always thought, if a person can't be responsible enough to have the baby, then they probably should not be in a physical relationship to begin with. However, this is something that is really good in theory, but not always practical in real life. When reading your story, I tried to put myself in your shoes, and I really couldn't see how you really could have handled the situation differently. You said yourself that you simply didn't have the financial means to support a baby. That being the case, I think abortion was a better option then having the baby and then not being able to feed, cloth and support it. I think at the time you were probably making the best choice you could for both yourself and your baby.

God is not punishing you. He doesn't do that. God forgives. And I know that he has forgiven you. God loves you, always.

Mike says it exactly as I would have said it.
I'm very, very sorry to hear about your loss, Kimberlee. I will be praying for you!... and I certainly don't judge you on your decision to have a previous abortion... even being Catholic as I am, I very much respect your decision.

Come here....

[Marvo301]

Kimberlee, first let me say that I am still, and always will be your friend. Secondly the Bible clearly says that there is no action we can take or choice we can make that is so bad God won't forgive it. So whatever choices you've made in the past, whatever you've done, including having an abortion, God has already forgiven. I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through right now and of course I am praying for you and will continue to do so. Here is a hug for you. I just wish I could be there to give it to you in person!

[Brieannas21]

I'm so sorry for your loss, on a personal level I know exactly how you're feeling and what you are going through. It is never easy, but time does heal.

[Doodyville10019]

Kimberlee, I read your story and it sent me to tears. I really feel very bad about what you are going through now. I know you really don't know me that well - yet -but please knnow that you always have a friend in me, so anytime you want to talk I'm here for you. What you did is a very personal decision - and I NEVER judge someone based upon that. Ever. I'm just not that kind of person.

You were faced with one of the most difficult choices anyone - male or female - has to face in life. I know this is a really sad time for you, and understandably so. I only hope that your husband is showing love and empathy towards you at your loss - because it's HIS loss, too - whether he realizes it or not.

And always remember this - our God is a very loving and caring God who is looking out for each and every one of us. If you ask God to forgive you, I think He will - there's no doubt in my mind.

[LuLu Rogers]

Kim sweetie, you know what I love most about God? He FORGIVES! You aren't banned from heaven for having an abortion, I can promise you that. I really admire you for sharing this story with us, it took a lot of guts to share something so personal. You're a beautiful person and you did what you had to do. I know you don't know me all that well, but I'm here for you anytime, only a PM away!