Wednesday's Quotes & a Honeymooners Valentine's Day:

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph Kramden comes home with a box full of chocolates and some balloons. He is looking out to see if Alice is home. She isn't. Ed follows Ralph in but Ralph doesn't notice Ed.)

Ed: "Whaddaya say Ralph?"

Ralph (scared & dumping the gifts, yells): "DAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

(Ralph sees Ed.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, YOU IDIOT? LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO."

Ed: "Sorry Ralph. I am guessing that those chocolates are fo Alice."

Ralph: "Yes, they are and I hope that some of the didn't get dirty because of you."

Ed: "I gave Trix a box of chocolates during my lunch hour. I took them down with me to the sewer and as luck would have it, the tide came in and washed them away."

Ralph: "You stupe! Why didn't you go back and get some more."

Ed: "They ran out."

Ralph: "Why did you get them before you resumed your work?"

Ed: "And wait until the last minute?"

Ralph: "YOU are a mental case."

Ed: "I am planning on taking Trixie out. We are going to have a fine romantic dinner."

Ralph: "Where are you going?"

Ed: "McDonalds."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ralph: "I am taking Alice to the Hong Kong Gardens. We will have a blast."

(Alice comes home.)

Alice: "Ralph, are those for me?"

Ralph: "Happy Valentine's Day Sweetheart."

(Alice's Mother comes in.)

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph. I see that for once you thought of your wife. I hope those candies are for her and not you."

(Ralph glowers at Alice's Mom.)

Ed: "Ralph loves chocolates."

Ralph: "For your information, these are also for Alice too."

(Alice's Dad comes in.)

Alice's Dad: "What time are we all going out?"

Ralph: "What is this?"

Alice: "Ralph, I forgot to tell you, when we are going to dinner tonight at the Hong Kong Gardens, my parents are coming. I am sorry I couldn't tell you sooner."

Ralph: "I don't mind. The more the merrier."

(Trixie comes down.)

Trixie: "Happy Valentine's Day Ed."

(Trixie gives Ralph his present.)

Ed: "Wow! A small cake that looks like a minature manhole cover. Thank you Trix. Your gift is upstairs. You will love it but I ain't going to tell you that it is a pie."

(Ralph laughs.)

Ralph: "Boy, that Ed can really keep a secret."

Trixie: "Aww thank you Ed."

(Trixie & Ed kiss.)

Ralph: "Let's all enjoy the holiday tonight."

(They all sing a song about Valentine's Day.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the greatest. GOOD NIGHT."

(Audience cheers.)

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Uh, who should I call Norton?"

Ed: "Why don't you try the fire escape? Maybe someone is out there."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Alice: "I burned my finger on that darn stove."

Ralph: "Gee, that's terrible. If you are not burning yourself, it's my food."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you have to wear that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That is all right. It's pot roast."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute neccessity?"

Ralph: "I certainly do. You can't bowl without one."

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ed: "I know a man that had his palm read. The fortune teller said that he would die in six months."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "He died in four months."

"Flushing Ho":

(The Kramdens bought a duplex and has the Nortons as tenants because
the landlord didn't fix anything. Ralph is refusing to fix things in Ed's apartment.)

Ralph: "When we were tenants in the other place, the landlord wouldn't fix anything over there. Did he?"

Ed: "I know, that's why we moved in here. Remember?"

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question that they gave me."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph and Ed try to lift the dresser.)

Ralph: "I'll count to three and on three we lift and then we heave ho. One...two...three."

(Ralph lifts the dresser but he can't lift his side of the dresser.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRGGGGH!" (normal voice): "Why didn't you lift?"

Ed: "We didn't heave ho."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got nothing in my head."